Weight Loss Support - How do you deal with rude comments about your weight?
05-11-2009, 12:25 PM
My FIL is really a good guy. He would help me in any way possible but honestly his comments have got me to where I don't want to be around him at all.
In the past he has used me to describe a girl who lives down the street. He said "You know she's the big girl, about like Beth here" He was talking to my husband.
Yesterday he meet my brother who is about 5'3" and very wiry and skinny. After my brother left he said "It's a shame he is the little one and all you girls are so big" (I have 2 brothers and 3 sisters)
I was mortified. Perhaps he didn't mean anything by it (as my husband says) but honestly it cut deep. Just because i am a big girl doesn't mean I don't have feelings.
I just don't know how to go about saying something. I want to say something but in a tactful way. how would you handle this?
05-11-2009, 12:40 PM
I cant tell you how to maturely handle this cause if it were me i would have already told him to shove it. So perhaps just ignoring the rude comments is best. You never really want to be fighting with the in laws. If i got any of those comments i would have been like "Thanks for reminding me im fat as if i dont already know!" Blame it on your period and say that you were just a little cranky cause it was yout TIM.
05-11-2009, 12:46 PM
If you think he's just clueless and not intending to be rude (and it kind of sounds like he is), I would take him aside, privately, give him an example or two of what he's said, then tell him how it makes you feel and ask him to please stop. Like, say "Bob, yesterday when you called me a "big girl," I know you weren't trying to hurt my feelings, but you did. Please don't do that anymore." No need to go into a long explanation, or to apologize for having hurt feelings (I know a lot of us would do that), just X, Y, Z. You said X, it made me feel Y, please stop.
Hopefully, he will be horrified, apologize and stop immediately. If not, then maybe get your spouse to intervene.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you, it sucks. Back when I was married, my ex mother-in-law never said anything overtly mean to my face, but she certainly said plenty behind my back, then it would always get back to me, and make me feel twice as worse since she was relatively nice to my face. Ugh. I don't miss that at all!
05-11-2009, 12:49 PM
I Know The Feeling!
I am the kind of person that doesn't know how to deal with this unless I grow tired and explode, which is not good since by the time this happens I am so angry it suddenly becomes my fault.
I have met an instance recently that for me it was unacceptable. I just came back from my studies and I am in a new group of people now (the only person from the group that I know is my best friend but the rest of them are still acquintances). Anyways at a moment there was a conversation about weight and stuff and I wasn't speaking at all. Anyways one girl stuck up her nose and went "I can't stand fat people. They make me nauseus!" I just sat there for a second with my mouth hang open. And then she went "Of course I am not thinking of Katerina (me) when I am talking about this."
AHA we believed you ...NOT!:mad:
Anyways I was so shocked! And I could not find any words to say back. It was just so bluntly put. Then my best friend started lecturing the other girl in my defense, which made me feel even worse because however much I love my best friend I felt I am not even worthy of defending myself.
Of course I suddenly recalled that my paternal grandmother is like that and my parents never defended me or let me defend myself because they are afraid of her. So here it is I don't know how to defend myself either.:(
Sorry if I monopolised this post but I would love an answer myself.
05-11-2009, 01:01 PM
I don't know of any quick witted comments you can make back, the smart people here probably have some cool ones..maybe what candykisses suggested, "thanks for reminding me I'm fat" and say it back in jokingly way since it sounds like he is teasing you in joking way, maybe he will get the hint then.
I hate when people feel they have to remind me I'm fat >.< they act like we must be happy or ok with being bigger, or we accepted it because we aren't losing. I think people that never had a weight problem don't know it's hard to lose weight and the emotional part behind it.
05-11-2009, 01:02 PM
ignore it...and of course keep doing what you are doing so that he doesn't have any ammo.
My husband has a "friend" who used to say things like, "No offence Lori, but so and so is as big as a barn..." He said crap like that all the time and it really got on my nerves. What was even worse was that my dh never told him to shut up...:( So now I weigh less than all of them...including the friends wife who has been putting on weight. :devil: No more ammo, no more problem.
05-11-2009, 01:17 PM
I would probably find a way to give him a taste of his own medicine like describing someone and then saying something along the lines of:
"You know he's the old guy, about like FIL here"
"You know he's the one who is prematurely aging, about like FIL here"
05-11-2009, 01:26 PM
I think this might be a good case for the classic "Do you realize you said that out loud?" Or even "What a rude thing to say, you must be so embarrassed." These work best when you can be calm and pleasant about it, even sympathetic. Really throws people off.
05-11-2009, 02:01 PM
Have you told your hubby it bothers you? I mean if it were my case I know my husband would take his dad aside and say "dad okay enough with the comments about weight, you are making my wife uncomfortable, please stop."
He may not realize how he was hurting you- but if you don't want to say it then maybe hubby will?
05-11-2009, 02:18 PM
Remember we can always lose weight but these rude people are stuck with being ignorant.
I don't have a good answer but I might say something like ..."Fat! Are you talking about me? I didn't know, thanks so much for bringing it to my attention."
Thighs Be Gone
05-11-2009, 02:21 PM
Tell him it's too bad HE got the small penis.
05-11-2009, 02:37 PM
Tell him it's too bad HE got the small penis.
05-11-2009, 03:51 PM
Firstly, I do think there are some people who use those kind of superlatives just to describe a person to someone else, and they don't really mean anything nasty by it. I know that I am sensitive about this becuz I have had so many deliberately rude things said to me about my weight, and sometimes by my closest family members. I have even described someone by saying that someone was about my size, not meaning to put them or myself down, just as if I would say someone was tiny or petite or slim or average in size: there's nothing derogatory meant in that ...
But in saying that, since this does bother you, that is what matters most here. I like the idea of asking your DH to ask his father to nix the weight comments; this would be the simplest and least confrontational solution.
One time, my DH (yes, my own DH) told a friend that he didn't recognize her brother anymore, and she asked why? He actually said " because he's so fat now". Without batting an eye, she replied ... "you better watch it pal, or the next time you say something like that, you're gonna get a punch in the mouth, and you'd deserve it too!" Her brother gave my DH a dirty look and walked away from him, refusing to even talk to him, then or now ...
Yes, this is one of my DH's flaws and even though I have told him to watch his mouth many, many times, he still slips up sometimes. He always says that he doesn't mean it in a nasty way, and I tell him that the person you are talking about doesn't see it that way, and then he apologizes.
As for a women, you could say to your FIL, "Dad, you'd better watch it or you might get a slap for comments like that someday," and then laugh a bit. That way, it may sound like you are giving him advice, like someone else suggested.
In the past, rude comments hurt me a lot, and I would cry over them; and I would be so shocked that I was speechless. Now I'm trying to use humor to deflect the comments away! Like BARGOO says, some people are ignorant & rude and always will be, but I think most people would listen if you said something to them, especially in a joking way.
I am still amazed at just how many thinner people (and some husky men) think that overweight people don't KNOW that they are overweight and they need to tell us. Like, do they think we don't look in the mirror each day? And then there's the ones that actually think we eat every minute of the day ... 24/7.
I actually had someone say to me -- "why don't you just stop eatin'?" I just replied "why don't you?" becuz he was fat too, but didn't think he was! I told him "I can't stop eating for the same reason you can't, becuz we'd both get sick and die!"
Sorry for going on so much -- I could go on and on; esp if I told you all the stupid and rude things I have had said to me in my life, but I won't. ;) Hope I didn't get too off topic and something here helps you a bit ... :hug:
05-11-2009, 07:19 PM
I personally love the line:
"I can lose the weight, but you'll always be an a**hole!"
I heard it on Run Fatboy Run and it just made me smile.
05-12-2009, 11:39 AM
The only people who ever made rude comments about my weight have been relatives significantly larger than me. Non-relatives and everyone who was thin (or just not several hundreds of pounds bigger than me) pretended not to notice I had gotten fat.
I didn't have anything to say when relatives who were 400-600 pounds feigned sadness in making catty comments about what a pretty little thing I used to be. They commented that I gained weight, that they liked my hair oh so much better blonde (it got progressively darker until I finally just went brunette) and even that I looked better with a tan (well, I'm not a teenager living in Florida beach town anymore, and now I sensibly use spf). The list goes on and on.
I guess I was supposed to be a barbie doll forever but it's okay for them to weigh 350-600 pounds, have skin issues and -- for the women -- have beards that could use a shave or something.
There's really nothing to say ... I admit, I have thought about pensively eyeing them in response -- and I probably have -- but I'm not entirely sure if I care? I kind of doubt that losing all this weight will decrease that sort of thing. These people watch a lot of tv and get to a point where they simply view other people in their lives as America's Top Model contestants or something.
05-12-2009, 11:57 AM
I rarely ever get comments about my weight but there was this one time where a guy tried to date me. He got my AIM and would constantly send me messages asking me to go out but A.) He was completely and utterly disrespectful and B.) I was (still am actually) dating a guy who is a million times better than this jerk.
I asked him a few times to stop messaging me about it because I was just not interested. Well... After shooting him down he finally told me that I was just a 'chubby girl' and that I should be 'privileged' to go out with him. Guess who got blocked.
This happened with another guy as well, he told me I was fat because I wouldn't show him the 'goods.' He was also blocked.
Made me cry but my boyfriend came and told me that they were clearly just *******s who couldn't get a real woman. Maybe telling a girl she's worthless and chunky works on some poor insecure woman who thinks she only deserves the first guy that will take her but my mother told me not to settle. And she's damn right, no one is worth taking emotional abuse like that.
Joshua from eawc
05-12-2009, 12:33 PM
Going through middle school and part of high school I was the target of a lot, I mean a LOT of terrible comments. However, at the time they were happening it was hard but I used those comments as fuel for when I was losing weight. So it never really bothered me too much. People are going to say stuff, its just how humans are. I decided near the beginning to just store all that "hate" speech and use it to my advantage. In the end I came out the better person.
05-12-2009, 09:53 PM
JOSHUA ~ you are soooo right; very wise words from a young man -- thanks for sharing; and BTW, :welcome2: to our site! You have lost quite a bit of weight already; Congats to you!
There is a "guys" thread in this WEIGHTLOSS SUPPORT Forum; actually, I just realized where we are (lol), so you may have already seen it ... ;)
05-12-2009, 10:02 PM
I am still amazed at just how many thinner people (and some husky men) think that overweight people don't KNOW that they are overweight and they need to tell us. Like, do they think we don't look in the mirror each day?
I really think this is part of it. Like surely we would do something about it, if only we knew that we had let ourselves go and gained weight. That really seems to be part of the motivation. I'm guessing in this situation, the OP's father-in-law was beng more thoughtless than cruel, but I still think it's appropriate to say what someone else suggested --"Hey, Dad, that makes me feel bad when you call me fat."