Well, chicks, I'm feeling a little bit scared or something. I'm not quite sure what it is, so maybe you can help me figure this out.
I've mentioned before that several years ago, I lost a little weight (about 30 pounds). It was only half of what I needed to lose, but I felt like I looked pretty good and was feeling healthy, starting to attract male attention, etc. I was healthy, riding my bike, walking, lifting weights, watching my diet--doing everything right. And then one day, I got tired of being so careful (or so I told myself) and thought I would just try to maintain for awhile. And I did maintain, for over a year, but then after a brief relationship (that I wasn't really that emotionally invested in), I quit. I quit weighing, I quit exercising, I quit caring. By last spring, I had gained back 15 of it; by January, I had gained an additional 25 (mind-blowing, I know).
So now I'm back on track. Everything's cool, I've lost 20 pounds, I'm finally in the groove and feeling like I can do this thing. And last night I felt it....this niggling feeling of fear. I felt it again today. Not bad, not for long, but this icky, scary feeling that just kind of washes over me. Not that I can't do it.....but fear that I can. Fear that I will. Fear that I will cease being invisible to men, even though I HATE being invisible (or at least I think I do).
So what is this? Physically and emotionally, I feel very healthy and strong. I feel happy. I can tell that I'm getting smaller, and I can feel my blood circulating after I exercise. I am sleeping like a baby. So what is this little thing of fear that keeps washing over me? I now recognize it; it's the same feeling I had when I was 30 pounds down and I told myself that I looked good enough, that I should stop for awhile.
Man, I sound like a head case. I want to try to figure this out now, so that I can push through and keep eating right, keep exercising, keep being happy. Because when I gained it back, I was NOT happy. I was fat and sick and depressed, and I don't want to go back to that place!
04-29-2009, 10:32 AM
Windchime, I can so relate to what you're saying. I think that when we get to a point where we're feeling good and can shop in regular stores that this journey starts to feel like hard work sometimes. I've done exactly as you have done before. I lost 65 lbs about 10 years ago. I should have kept on going but it was starting to be hard work and I got bored with it. Over the next 7-8 years I gained 10-15 lbs. That's pretty good but I wasn't feeling good at all and my health, both physically and emotionally, was starting to suffer. Now I'm here to finish what I should have finished 10 years ago.
I had that fear thing about 10-15 lbs ago as well. But my fear manifested itself over my wardrobe. I had nothing that fit me! I needed to go shopping but I was overwhelmed and afraid. I actually went shopping 2-3 times and had items to purchase in my arms but was unable to actually buy them. I felt like I was crazy in the head. Eventually I went through my entire wardrobe and got rid of tons of stuff that was outdated and no longer fit. But I also found a few things that fit again! I still have a very limited wardrobe, but what I do have fits properly.
I also wonder if you are afraid of the attention that you know you will start receiving soon regarding your weight loss. I am pretty uncomfortable with any comments about my weight, both good and bad. I think my weight was a way for me to blend. I didn't want any extra attention especially from men. When people make comments I just try to say as little as possible. Like "Thank you" and "just trying to watch what I eat and exercise". People don't want details, they want a magic pill.
When I'm feeling like this is all too much, I tell myself that I only have to exercise and eat well this one day, just for today. I also go to bed early and the next day I usually feel much better about myself and my journey. You can do this for you--you deserve it!
04-29-2009, 10:52 AM
Fear of the unknown. It's like battling an enemy you can't even see.
For me ... I had to stop taking on the demons of the future. Oh yes, you still have to plan ahead ... financial planning, work planning, education ... but some stuff will look after itself. Come what may ... which I think means stuff will come along whether we plan for it or not. Like weather and other peoples' opinions of us.
Try to stay in (and enjoy) the here-and-now. Enjoy the process of living instead of crowding in the troubles of the future.
If that fear is overwelming or crippling (as mine was), if it threatens your health or safety ... maybe you need to talk to your doctor. I didn't realise that running scenarios ... past and future, real and imagined ... through my head at night was a symptom of dpression.
Have you gone to see the chicks in the depression forums? I might be over reacting but I can only relate what I've been though and yup, it was detrimental.
04-29-2009, 10:53 AM
Men? Who needs them...;) Seriously, I do know that feeling. Kind of a sick pit in your stomach when some horny old fart eyeballs you and makes you feel like a piece of meat. I really hate that. I don't know how some of the "hotties" do it when they prance around in their tight low-cut shirts and LOW riding jeans, or at the beach in their string bikini's. I always wonder how they can stand all the comments, I think I would just die if I got that much attention. I don't have any answers. I think there are just 2 kinds of women in the world. Those that LOVE attention and seek it and can deal well with it, and the ones, (like me) who are uncomfortable with "to much" male attention. It's hard for men I'd assume because they can't tell us apart...lol
I have become good at avoiding eye contact with "dirty old men". It's the only way I can handle their unwanted attention.
I've been married for 20 years so my situation is different because I'm not looking to possibly enter into a relationship...I hope you can sort it all out and not self destruct over a man though...if it is men that cause you this grief that is.
04-29-2009, 09:27 PM
It does kind of feel like men, even though I have to reiterate that I really LIKE men! I work with mostly men and they're all either good familly men, young bachelors the age of my sons, or a couple of single guys who are still respectful, funny, smart, good guys.
I do wonder, though, about the guy I dated briefly when I was semi-slimmer. He was an OK guy, nothing special but fun to be with. But I wonder if I was a little freaked out over even that. Because it wasn't long after we quit dating that I started to "not care" about my weight and just kind of went back to my old ways.
And Susan, I have struggled on and off for years with depression. I don't like to spend too much time in the depression forum because focusing on myself to that degree can make me MORE depressed. I do tend to obsess over situations that could happen; I have a counselor that I see from time to time and she always has to remind me that doing this is causing myself unnecessary stress.
I dunno. Today I felt fine and a co-worker (female) mentioned that she could tell I had lost weight. She is a friend so I didn't mind; in fact, I was happy. But I have mentioned here many times that I don't like comments that are too effusive or gushing or focus too long on me, and I am betting that is somehow tied to my fear that being thinner will mean that men will start buzzing around again.
I dunno. Maybe it's as simple as not wanting to give up my comfortable existance as a single girl! Thanks for your input, everyone; it's good food for thought.
PS LoriBell--there IS a dirty old man that I am continually having to avoid! But he doesn't seem to care if I'm fat, skinny, or someplace in between. Thank goodness his retirement party is tomorrow!
04-30-2009, 01:18 AM
I know how you feel!! I lost 101 lbs so quickly (8-9 months) that I simply wasn't prepared for the physical & emotional reactions I got from feeling different about myself and freaked out and gained about half of it back. It was months before I felt ready to try again and I lost those pesky pounds, plus more.
Hang in there! You can keep doing this!! :)
04-30-2009, 01:37 AM
You're definitely not crazy! I think our weight often protects us - not just from unwanted attention (although that's a huge part of it) but also from our own feelings. When you lose the weight those thoughts and emotions we were literally suffocating by eating start bubbling up. Our armor of weight seems to work to protect us from both outside and inside. Maybe part of being successful means finally coming to terms with those daemons?