20-Somethings - Love is making me fat . . . (Again!)

10-01-2008, 01:46 PM
Let me first say that I have finally found a person that loves me - to the core, and that feels f'ing phenomenal :love:, but I'm gaining weight back like a mofo!

Weight I worked so hard to rid myself of is easily slipping back on while my jeans are getting tighter, my face is ultra bloated and I can no longer feel the definition I had in my legs and arms. I've pretty much been a lapsed dieter since May and here we are, entering October and I'm nowhere near the goals I had set forth. Instead, I would say I've put back on 5 pounds of solid, wiggly, jiggly fat. And I have to be naked a lot more now. :lol:

I can't blame him, but he is always spoiling me in the wrong ways, like chocolate or Chinese. And when I'm at his place for the weekend (he lives 2.5 hours North) its a lot of "let's eat here" . ."I'm hungry" . . . "Want some ___" from him. It is hard, too, because he lives in a college town where are there nothing to do - and I'm not kidding, besides to get food or shop it.

It is like he's become my eating partner. Only he's losing weight (he's lost about 30 pounds since we've been dating) and I'm putting it back on. He says I that I do not need to lose weight - because he loves me and thinks I'm a pretty gal regardless of how many muffins I've got in the bread box. And I think that's the kicker for me. I'm unmotivated by my unmotivation. But I know I'm just waiting to hit bottom - the point where I'm back in my size 22s and barely leaving the house but to go to work. Because it is happening now and it has happened before.

(In 2002, I moved in with my then-boyfriend across the country after just losing 55 pounds and getting to 170 pounds, my lowest adult weight. It didn't take long before that was gained back and I hit my highest weight ever before the term of our 5 year relationship was over.)

As of today, I'm sitting at 200.6 pounds and a size 16. I know I could be better, but I know I've been a lot worse. I have goals, but I can't seem to stay on track because as soon as I do great for a few days, I see him again. And here we go, back to Chocolate and Chinese.

For me, he is my trigger. When I'm around him, I want to eat. And at the same time, I don't want him to see me eat. I can not get my head around it. But its like an uncomfortable comfortable.

Anyway, I felt like this could be some sort of confessional for me. To log in and be inspired again by all of you and your dedication and your knowledge and your heart. :cheer:

So, Chicks: How do I stop eating my love instead of giving it and enjoy it? Am I scared to know that emotional love I seek is best shared between me and bag of chips instead of me and man I am hoping to spend the rest of my days with?

Any answers, any responses at all are so much appreciated,

10-01-2008, 01:52 PM
I gained a lot of weight when i first fell in love with my bf....
it was all ice cream and chocolate and pizza and take aways for us....
i plummed up to just over 200lbs....

nowadays i just let him eat what he wants to and ill eat what i want to....
even if its not the same things....
he knows im dieting and trying to get thinner....
he does respect that....
but i do have to stay strong otherwise i would get sucked in ever so easily....
and return to my old habbits....

so, my advice, tell him about your dieting....
get him to support you....
and be strong and make your own decisions....

10-01-2008, 02:05 PM
Thank you for your reply. ;)

And yes, I should have mentioned, he does know about my weight loss and goals. He says he'll help me stay on track, but he does cave. And we'll order out because there are null groceries or he eats completely different foods than I do.

10-01-2008, 02:06 PM
I hear that! lol

10-01-2008, 02:22 PM
I've been in a long distance relationship for 4 years (we'll be married very shortly). The man was also 2.5 hours away from me. So we'd mostly see eachother on weekends. And yes, the same thing happened. This was before I began my changed habits, but I still gained like there was no tomorrow. So, really, I know what it's like.

A few things, this relationship is not about the food. It's about spending time together. So even if there's nothing to do, you can go to a grocery store, buy healthy foods & cook together. You can netflix a movie. You can go for a walk around the block. You can play a board game. It's not about the food. It's never about the food.

He says he supports you in this, and that is fantastic! And, yes, my fiancee supports me as well. But, I too, know how to push the right buttons to make him cave in to eating out etc. In the end, the choice to put food in my mouth is my choice. It's wonderful to have that support, but I'm in charge of myself.

Have a plan when you go up there for what your meals will be & how you're going to get in exercise. If you go up there and just think "I will eat healthy & exercise" but don't have a plan it makes it much harder to get it done. Plan it! Follow through.

Lastly, do you really want to see your high weight again on the scale? Do you really want to see that number go even higher? That's where it will head.

When did maintenance become optional? Working out, eating healthy, these are things that we've been trying so hard to make our new normal. Return to this new normal again. It's not an option. :hug:

It's a great first step getting on here again.

You can do this. You can take off the weight that you've gained, and you can get back into your healthy habits.

10-01-2008, 02:36 PM
The little "DO NOT ENGAGE" flashers in your head should go off when in a relationship with a man who always snacks or eats.

My husband eats enough daily for a family of friggin' four, and he is under some delusion that his abysmal inhuman gut is somehow normal and that I am starving myself eating the normal 1200 cals a day to his 12,000+. And he's got 2% body fat and can run 18 miles in just under two hours without even getting winded!!!!! Oh, how I hate him... :tantrum:

Buy groceries and start cooking at home, and when he offers you something to snack on take a little tiny piece and leave it at that. That was the only way I found to appease my husband and his constantly trying to feed me. I'll take one, or a tiny little nibble, eat it, and usually that's enough to get him off my back. If it isn't, I just yell at him to get away from me before I rack him and he usually heads off upstairs to play video games. :p

You also could try doing some sort of fitness thing together. Like walking, or riding bikes or something like that.

As crappy as it is to say, a lot of what attracts men to you is how you look, and though many are too sweet to ever say anything they do notice your changing size -- sometimes more than you do. I think if you just straight up told him, "Look, you're making me fat and none of my pants fit. We need to join a gym or find some sort of activity we can do together and we've got to stop eating out," he would probably be cool with it.

10-01-2008, 02:43 PM
if love makes u fat....
does unhappiness make u thin?....

10-01-2008, 02:59 PM
Awww. Ain't love grand!
I'm happy that you've found a keeper. My husband and I were much the same way when we got together and we still enjoy a good night out, but we also try to cook together. Maybe you guys could do some sort of activity together as well.

10-01-2008, 03:08 PM
This same thing happened to me when I started dating my boyfriend. He is 5'10 and weighs 150 lbs, he is sooo skinny but you wouldn't think so from everything he eats. It was hard for me to stand by as he munches on chips and salsa, bagels, entire digiorno pizzas etc. But ever since I told him I want to lose weight he has been very supportive, to the point that if I am about to eat something I shouldn't he will ask me about it. Sometimes it is really aggravating when I insist that I NEED to go get ice cream, or a donut and he keeps insisting that I shouldn't. Sometimes he will even ask if he can eat something in front of me or if I will be too tempted to have some.

I think the best thing you can do is to reiterate to your boyfriend how import your weight loss is to you, and ask him if he can help you. I am sure he would love being able to support you.

10-01-2008, 03:10 PM
I gained soooo much weight when BF and I started dating. I wasnt willing to sacrifice my date nights for a diet, so I learned how to "order out" appropriately. If we get chinese, I order the steamed items from the "healthy diet" section. If we go some place, I'll order something off the diet menu or make substitutes (fries for a salad, etc). When we get pizza, I order a thin crust. We eat totally different and enjoy totally different foods (my bf could live off of chicken parm and bacon cheeseburgers, I could live off of buffalo chicken and frozen yogurt) so why would either of us feel obligated to eat like the other? And if he comments on my food, I politely ask him not to because it doesnt make it any easier to not steal his fries.

On the flip side. (We live together, but before this we made fun dates out of it) we go grocery shopping together and we pick out ingredients and cook together. The more informed I became about nutrition, I would comment about the calories in that or the negative additives of that and HE became more educated and slowly began changing HIS diet. Now he is the one that reminds ME at the grocery store when I dont get the leanest cut of meat or asks me to double check the sweetners in something. Dont get me wrong... he still refuses to touch vegetables... but through experimentation we've found that he'll eat carrots if cooked ONE VERY SPECIFIC WAY and a very specific cut and brand of green beans. We've graduated from iceberg lettuce to a darker leaf. Baby steps. But you'd be suprised!!!

10-01-2008, 06:19 PM
Wow! I finally have ladies to relate to in this field!
When BF and I started dating two years ago I weighed 138. 1.5 years later I weighed 184! Oh, and did I mention he's 6'4" and tries his hardest to weigh over 160!:mad:

We started out like everyone of you, eating out, movies, popcorn, ice cream. Plus it didn't help that he eats more than his weight in food, and I always gave myself the same portions as him.
Before that I had just finished WW, and threw all my hard earned work and knowledge out the door!

Sure, he's always loved and treated me the same, but now that I've lost some weight I can definitely tell I'm more attractive to him:love: than I was at my heaviest. And I'm sure a big part of that is my self-esteem has gone up and I'm happier too.

Ever since I started losing weight last January he's been my biggest help through all of it. He's in charge of making sure I only have one serving at dinner and that I get some kind of exercise in each day... We've also made a rule to only eat out once a week.

So, good luck,:cheer3::cheer2::cheer: I hope you can conquer the love weight gain!!!

Here's a little :dust: for good measure :)

10-01-2008, 06:39 PM
Maybe think of it this way.....you love him, right? And you want the best for him and you and your relationship?? Well it's a lot easier to have a good relationship when you're happy and not dealing with health issues and the extra stress from that business.

Also -- why not try to make dates out of active things? My boyfriend and I started just taking long walks in the city together...it's so fun!! Or we'll grab some soup and walk along the Charles, stop to eat and then keep going. You say he lives in a college town, but I'm sure there's places to walk around...maybe some nature trails that aren't necessarily "hikes", ya know?

With this stuff you've gotta realize that it's easy to gain weight. Really easy. It's hard to lose weight. Really hard. You've just got to make the effort. It won't happen by itself, but it's also lots of CONSCIOUS decisions that you're making to gain weight, anyway, so why not make CONSCIOUS decisions to lose weight?

10-01-2008, 09:15 PM
I am right there with you. I have gained 40lbs since last year and it sucks!
Especially when my husband wants to go out to eat all of the time. He can eat whatever he wants and not gain a pound! :(

10-02-2008, 12:33 AM
i know its not fair but i blame my boyfriend all the time for my weight gain...cause i used to be so skinny! He knows i'm trying and really supports me but i get mean when he tells me not to eat something...i shouldn't blame him at all and need some tips on self control:p those nachos are just so tempting:^:

10-02-2008, 01:59 AM
I am in a similar boat...

When I met my boyfriend I was tiny! I weighed 105 pounds. But he ate a ton, and we enjoyed food related things together (cooking, have dinner parties, eating out, watching movies and pigging out, etc.) I gained too much weight. Six years later, my boyfriend decides to take up cycling and eat healthier and he lost around 50 pounds. Now he is practically skinnier than me. It made me feel like crap, and I hated seeing 135 on the scale, so I am trying to lose, but every time I am with him, we still just eat too much. I was down to 126 the other day, making progress, and now I jumped back to 129! Sometimes, I feel like I'll never be able to lose the 18-20 pounds I wish to...

10-02-2008, 02:57 AM
just think of the long walks you could ennjoy....
the cycling around new towns....
i wish my bf was more interested in outdoor activities....

i am still trying
10-02-2008, 09:03 AM
this thread is so true for me. My doctor once told me that the average woman gains 10-15 pounds in her first year of marriage. Also, during the beginning or a relationship too. YIKES! I weighed in at 13 pounds higher a year after marriage and that really kicked my butt into gear!

When DH and I were dating we were long distance too so every night together was a treat. We would always go out, always drink lots of wine, you get the picture.

Now, after 2 months of my journey I have lost10 pounds! I guess a lot of that was just plain bloatiness!! yuck! I still eat with him most of the time but just less. And since I do most of the groceries and cooking, well, I get to choose what we have. So I regularly make chicken breasts, yams, a lilttle rice for him, and a salad for dinner. And guess what, he enjoys it (well at least thats what i think :))
Think about good you will feel when you re-start your healthy life style. You will feel sooo good and energetic.

10-02-2008, 07:28 PM
Your story happens to lots of girls, once they are in love with someone and see that he indulges on food, they start doing the same without recognizing it. What you should do is everytime you go out to eat, order a salad and grilled chicken, order something healthy, you can also have a bite of his food just to make him happy :)
For me, when I am in a relationship, I lose weight because I watch what I eat more than when I am by myself... I guess I have to find me a new boyfriend again if I want to lose weight quickly lol.
Good luck

10-06-2008, 09:18 PM
if love makes u fat....
does unhappiness make u thin?....

This is a really legitimate question.

I'm not sure what your relationship is with this guy (ie, whether it is truly positive or a negative influence.) And I know that nobody can make you feel good about yourself except you. However, at least in my experience, sometimes people CAN make you feel bad.

Last year, I dated a guy who I was completely infatuated with. In my mind, he could do no wrong, and there was nothing I wanted in the world other than for him to love me and want to be with me. So you'd think that dating him would make me feel good, right? Well, over the months that I was with him, my binge-eating was out of control. I'd see him and (just like you said) I'd want to eat. I couldn't understand how I could seemingly feel so happy and yet so awful at the same time.

It was only after we broke up (he turned out not to be such a great guy after all) that I finally realized how many things had been going wrong in our relationship, and how often I had ended up using food to cope with my insecurities about him. In hindsight, he didn't really treat me all that well (even though at the time it didn't seem that way.)

My point is this: it can be easy to get a little 'blinded by cupid' when you're falling for someone. But if he loves you and you love him back, and if you two truly have a positive and fulfilling relationship, then being around him shouldn't fuel hurtful behavior on your part. I don't want to suggest that there's anything wrong with your relationship, but do consider why you might feel compelled to eat or sabotage yourself when around him (it's probably more than just because he suggests you go get chinese.)

Also, remember that you can always say no or explain that you are trying not to eat junk food if he suggests it. And if he claims that you are fine the way you are, you could say something like "I'm happy that you love me as I am, but I really want to make this lifestyle change for my own health and happiness." If he is respectful of you, he will respect that, not try to sabotage it. And if you find that you can't communicate that to him, you might want to think about why it is you are afraid to do so.

Other than that...good luck and i'm glad you are in love :)

10-07-2008, 07:04 PM
I've just started dating a guy and I agree it's SO easy to eat out all the time. He lives a little over an hour away so while it's not really long distance we only spend about one evening together a week so we tend to indulge. He's got a gorgeous, buff body other than a tiny bit of a stomach but when he tightens it he has an almost 6 pack. Yum. He runs 8-10 miles a day 4 or 5 days a week on the treadmill at the gym. Anyway, he is wanting to loose about 10 pounds so we are going to motivate each other from here on out. Instead of going out when I see him this weekend I am going to make a crock pot meal. Lean beef roast of some kind, potatoes, veggies and rolls, the rolls are for him though, not me. I know the beef and potatoes can be high cal but I just need control and he can eat MORE without it being too terribly high in fat (like pizza).

He says he loves my body and is totally happy with the way I am now, and he's proud to show me off to people he knows (friends, family) but I can't help but think he'd like me to be a little less flabby. I want to be "curvy", not "skinny" right now I've got curves... as well as bulges and creases. I need to nix the bulges and creases!! =)

10-07-2008, 07:12 PM
Going out to eat is its own challenge, but even cooking healthy meals at home has pitfalls for me. I have to keep remembering portion control. When I dish up dinner for me and my boyfriend, the amount of food on the plates is definitely different! For example, if I make healthy burgers with whole grain buns and sweet potato fries, I serve myself half the fries he gets.

I can't eat equal to what he eats without gaining weight.

Susie Derkins
10-07-2008, 11:18 PM
I second Faerie's point about shopping and cooking together. This is one thing I've tried with my boyfriend which has worked nicely.
We live together, so when I noticed we had fallen into some pretty unhealthy eating habits I felt that the best way out was to deal with it together. It helped that he'd put on some pounds, too - I think it helped him hear me when I suggested we buy healthier and eat healthier. At first, it wasn't easy to field off the requests for pizza and burgers, and the temptation to give in when he suggested we eat out, or get ice cream...but it was totally worth sticking it out.
Now we shop for groceries together, and try to cook together as often as our schedules allow...before, these things fell mostly to one or another of us depending on how busy each of us was, but rarely to both at the same time. It's also led to him doing the dishes more, now that he realizes what it's like to cook AND clean up! :dizzy:
But I feel like this was a good way to make weight loss more of a team effort, rather than an individual struggle.