Odd topic but I was just curious, since you are all such knowledgable individuals
My sister had a baby on my 15th birthday (1985, I know, I'm old!!) and gave him up for adoption. She has provided my parent's with very limited information over the years about him (1/2 probably accurate, she's not the most trustworthy either!!).
I guess I just felt when he turned 18 he would come looking for us -- unfortunately my dream didn't come true.
Does anyone know where I should start to try to find him or at least let him know we are open to contact? I have his parent's name and address -- would it be crossing the line to mail a note to them? I am so grateful for all they have done -- my sister is not mother material!! I don't want to make waves.
I certainly wouldn't do something like this unless I was okay with creating at least a few waves. Have you discussed this with your sister? Are you okay with the feelings that this could possibly bring up for her? I'd feel very weird if one of my sisters did something like this without discussing it with me first and making sure that I was okay with it. If there is some degree of communication open between your sister and the adoptive parents, then it seems like the young man could probably contact your family if he was so inclined. It seems like the best way to respect the home and life that's been given to your sister's birth son is to let him initiate contact if he wants.
These are just my thoughts as somebody who doesn't have any adoption in my immediate family. Those who have these experiences may feel differently than I do.
I agree that it's important to have your sister's knowledge/consent of your activities regarding your nephew. My grandmother had 4 children she gave up for adoption, and when my mom went looking for them, she didn't necessarily ask for permission, but she let my grandma know what she was doing. Everything went very well with us, as we found out that my adopted aunt and uncle were also looking for us, and we are all very close now and my grandma is very happy as well. I think reconnecting/meeting/bonding with biological parents/relatives from adoption is a wonderful thing, but make sure you have consent from the original parent/s especially if you are still very involved in each others' lives. I'm not sure how emotionally healthy it is for an aunt to find a nephew who is enthusiastic about meeting a less than willing biological mother (if this is the case). It would be something like, "I'm your aunt, and I would love you to be part of my life, but my sister/your mother . . . well, she's a different story." That would be very painful IMO, to still be rejected by my parent.
Good luck.
Last edited by HarpoChicoGroucho; 08-01-2008 at 03:16 AM.
As an adoptee, I tend to agree with HarpgChicoGroucho. If my biological aunt found me because she wanted to know me more than my biomom, I'd find that disheartening if not actually traumatic. And I'm 42, and have a masters' degree in psychology, so I can't imagine how badly a 23 year old man, might take it.
From my perspective, my family is my adoptive family. I don't really have any desire to know my biofamily (except perhaps to satisfy curiosity or because of my crazy medical problems maybe learn medical history). I have always hated when people ask me about my "real parents," my real parents are my adoptive parents. I don't have any anger or resentment against my biological parents, in fact, I'm very grateful that biomom chose to have me rather than choose abortion, but the fact is she and her family are strangers to me, and probably could never become more than friendly aquaintances.
I think it's very unlikely that adoptee reunions are ever "happy all the way round." Someone gets hurt.
My mother tried to hide it, but she was terrified of my brother and my biomoms coming looking for us and "taking us away" throughout our childhoods (there were a couple news stories when we were growing up of biomoms getting back custody of children they had given away months or even years later).
My brother was contacted by his biomom several years ago, and my mom gave her blessing for my brother to meet her. She said she was no longer afraid because we were grown, but we learned later the truth of how much that contact, even casually, hurt our mom. Also, my brother's biomom was understandably anxious to become part of my brothers life and family - she talked constantly of wanting to become grandmother to my brother's children. Finally, my brother broke off contact, because they were unable to come to an agreement over what kind of contact, how much, and how involved she could become in his life. He didn't want another mother or another grandmother for his children.
I've of course, read the "happily ever after" adoptee reunion stories in magazines, but my brother's experience has made me more hesitant. It's almost inevitable that someone involved on either side is going to want or fear a relationship or kind of relationship more than the person/people on the other side. There is no way to "not make waves," because inevitably someone is going to be hurt or at least initially have hurt feelings. I definitely would suggest talking to your sister about this before you proceed.
While you may feel like his aunt, to him you are a stranger, the sister of the woman who gave him away. You also have to ask yourself if you're prepared for him not to want to meet you. Are you prepared for his parents feeling threatened by your wanting to make contact? Are you prepared for your sister to feel threatened by your making contact? Are your parents prepared for you to make contact and have the boy not want to meet them? Are you prepared for him to be angry at your family? Are you prepared to make contact and maybe even "feel like family" and later have him break off contact? Are you prepared for him or his family to seek more than you are willing to give in attention/contact/money?
There are a lot of lives you could messing with, so think very carefully before you proceed. People are complicated and messy, and situations like this can stir up alot of stuff. Google adoptee reunions and to see a balanced side also adoptee reunion horror storries. You'll see how complicated things can get. Make sure you're prepared for what you might be getting yourself and both families into.
Thank you to everyone, especially Kaplods , for your answers. I agree with all of you. I just have this aching feeling that he is looking for us and doesn't have enough information to find us . I'm sure this is probably not the case.
My problem is my sister lives about 1200 miles away and her son she gave up lives about 17 miles from me. I think the biggest part of me just wants to know he is okay -- I would love to just drive by his house, see him smiling in the driveway with his family -- honestly, I think that would be enough to put me at peace
My sister is hard to explain, she has no emotion for anyone so I'm sure she could care less if she ever contacts him or even how he is doing. That's why I'm so impressed that she gave him up and did not abort him (I'm sure his family is too ) I, however, especially since I had two boys of my own, can not fathom the fact that there is what I feel a member of my family out there who doesn't know how much I love him, sight unseen. (I even named my first son after him). (We weren't even aware he existed until she married approximately 6 years after she had him.)
So, I will continue to leave well enough alone -- I have no interest in affecting him or his family in a negative way. I will always care for him and love him because to me he is more family than my sister .
Thanks for listening to my ramblings ladies, as always this website has been a great help
Adoption
, for your answers. I agree with all of you. I just have this aching feeling that he is looking for us and doesn't have enough information to find us 
. I'm sure this is probably not the case. 