yeah, just have been thinking bout this illness that happened to us...
so first thing i'd like to share, is that i find it really hard to do the firts step, to admit that i'm powerless over food and lost control of my life. usually after a binge, one of hundreds i've had, i think i really am powerless over food. i prepare a plan of what i'm going to eat the next day and forever. the next day, i usually have a nice breakfast and am all happy and believe i'll make it this time. i usually forget bout being powerless, thinking again i am able to cntrol food intake by myself. let alone working the steps generally, i often question it that this whole programme will help me. i see no connection whatsoever between my cravings and all these emotional and spiritual issues this programme daels with.
don't get me wrong, i'm sure it must be something deep there, coz it helped so may people. it's just that i need to deal with all these doubts that stop me, or make me postpone getting down to it. coz maybe i'm different, it's not so bad with me yet, i'll manege on my own...
and the worst thing, how can i be powerless over such stupid thing as food? if i'm powerless over stupid food, how will i cope with all the difficulties that wait for me in life?
and i don't want to say that i've lost control over my life!!! i want to be a person wo is strong, copes with life efficiently, can make decisions, well, a young succesful woman, brave and independent. bearing that in mind, part of me, looking at the OA thing, says it's admitting failure, even before my life actually started. yes, i'm so ashamed, but part of me is saing this all some kind of mumbo-jumbo, that all i need is willpower. but well, i don't really seem to have it either. well, at least not in the food case.
probably my thinking is wrong. but i can't help it, that's how i see it. it's how i am. even the fact that maybe it woud be reasonable to try something new, since all other ways failed, does not persuade me anything. my approach is so full of haughtiness, i can almost feel it. coz i was so thin a few years ago, i still am old self, all i need is willpower, i'm not some kind of gluttonous looser. and i'm so ashamed of such thiking. so ashamed...
did anyonwe had such thoughs at the beginning? thay're common as far as i read but how to change them, my consciusness? i asnwered the qestionnaire concerning being a COE, had only 3 'no's .
yeah, so usually the next day, i just 'forget' (or i don't want to remember) about the last day binge, then i usually braek my plan a bit during lunch having too many of the 'sasfe' staff like vegetables, then i have a decent dinner, and totally ignore the plan in the next few days, until another binge and everything repeats...
also, it's SO VERY HARD TO BEGIN ABSTINENCE. i mean, i always say 'justsome more cucumber won't hurt' , and gradually am messing up everything...
sometimes it's just so damn hard to stay strong. i know i'm not supposed to fight with the temptation coz i'll always loose, i need to remember i'm powerless, but when this hunger comes, i just am not able to think properly.
Hi, these aren't complaints as I see them just some thoughts on how you feel and these are true feelings for you and many of us that first start OA.
I do have a couple of questions, do you attend face to face meetings if not and you have them in your area my suggestion would be to attend several of them and just listen if you don't want to share.
My other question and should probably have been my first question, do you have a sponsor? This would be very helpful for you to run some of these thoughts by your sponsor if you have one and if you don't it would be of great benefit to ask someone to be your sponsor. Find someone that has recovery that you like and follow in her footsteps of how she got where she's at, you will be amazed at how things change.
If I can be of any help please feel free to p.m. me and I will be happy to share my e-mail and phone #with you.
Hi go to this web site and see if there is a chapter in you area and go to there meeting its a hole lot differnt than OA. Ok they won't let put in a link because I hav not posted 25 so in that case in your search type in TOPS and go to there web site and check them out. TOPS means Take off pounds sensibly Good luck
Quote:
Originally Posted by cukrowapanienka
yeah, just have been thinking bout this illness that happened to us...
so first thing i'd like to share, is that i find it really hard to do the firts step, to admit that i'm powerless over food and lost control of my life. usually after a binge, one of hundreds i've had, i think i really am powerless over food. i prepare a plan of what i'm going to eat the next day and forever. the next day, i usually have a nice breakfast and am all happy and believe i'll make it this time. i usually forget bout being powerless, thinking again i am able to cntrol food intake by myself. let alone working the steps generally, i often question it that this whole programme will help me. i see no connection whatsoever between my cravings and all these emotional and spiritual issues this programme daels with.
don't get me wrong, i'm sure it must be something deep there, coz it helped so may people. it's just that i need to deal with all these doubts that stop me, or make me postpone getting down to it. coz maybe i'm different, it's not so bad with me yet, i'll manege on my own...
and the worst thing, how can i be powerless over such stupid thing as food? if i'm powerless over stupid food, how will i cope with all the difficulties that wait for me in life?
and i don't want to say that i've lost control over my life!!! i want to be a person wo is strong, copes with life efficiently, can make decisions, well, a young succesful woman, brave and independent. bearing that in mind, part of me, looking at the OA thing, says it's admitting failure, even before my life actually started. yes, i'm so ashamed, but part of me is saing this all some kind of mumbo-jumbo, that all i need is willpower. but well, i don't really seem to have it either. well, at least not in the food case.
probably my thinking is wrong. but i can't help it, that's how i see it. it's how i am. even the fact that maybe it woud be reasonable to try something new, since all other ways failed, does not persuade me anything. my approach is so full of haughtiness, i can almost feel it. coz i was so thin a few years ago, i still am old self, all i need is willpower, i'm not some kind of gluttonous looser. and i'm so ashamed of such thiking. so ashamed...
did anyonwe had such thoughs at the beginning? thay're common as far as i read but how to change them, my consciusness? i asnwered the qestionnaire concerning being a COE, had only 3 'no's .
Remember, you don't have to abstain for the rest of your life. JUST FOR TODAY. I find it makes it so much easier to deal with if you look at it this way.
Denial is a symptom of addiction. I know I was in denial until age 52. I didn't want to admit I was powerless over food. But if I was in control of food, why couldn't I stop overeating? I had to weigh 240 pounds before I could admit I was powerless over food. Some people have to weigh 400 pounds before they admit they have a problem with food. Every individual is different. Best of luck to you.
Patd - no, i don't attend meetings since there aren't any in my area. i live in Beijing, and the only meetings in china are in Hong Kong and Shanghai and it's impossible for me to travel so far, since i have other commitments as well. and i don't know Chinese which is a great obstacle if i wanted to set up a group of my own.
no, i don't have a sponsor. i've only been two times at OA meeting,then dropped out, i'm ashamed to admit it all seemed so spiritual, and i felt at the time that my cravings were purely physical matter, didn't really see any connection with stress, emotions and all that. and to be honest, i actually don't feel it now yet as well. maybe i'm just at the beginning of the path. i feel i SHOULD have strong will to resist all that, and if don't there's some fault in me, i'm lacking some essential ingredient. i know it's stupid i'm so stubborn in my approach, but it's just how i feel. and i know i have to change it in the first place, coz that's the 1st step. and as i see it, if really admitted i was a compulsive eater, that would mean i'm worse than others. i know OA says it's an illness, and so we shouldn't blame ourselves for contracting it, just as we don't have guilty conscience when we catch a flu or chickenpox. we just do everything best to cure it.
although i'd love to have a sponsor, but i don't really know any people being in OA as i said, and i have no chance anymore (i've been to these 2 meetings while in UK ). and besides, i'm not sure if i would have enough courage to ask
snowicedeb - i checked out this site you reccomended; it looks a bit like Weight Watchers or alike communities. but again,they're only in US and canada. looks nice though although i'm not really THAT fat. i just want to come to terms with my eating, and have a sense of control of its intake.
tvalle - yeah, i think i really must make more use of this principle. i really have to carve it in my mind thanks.
blackcat99 - and yah, here you're talking about control over food...and i was always amazed bout all the excuses addicted people, alcoholics for instance, make up not wanting to see their real condition. and i was harsh judging them, not understanding the nature of addiction. well, i can't really say i understand it now, but at least i know how it's possible to lie to yourself all the time. hope i'll realize that by heart though before i reach such weight. amazing you made it, no matter what age
and here i am again, just after a binge. i actually doubt it will ever end. how can i be so pathetic to not be able to stay abstinent even till midday?
i really am poqwerless over food, anyone could realize that so clearly after observing me for some time. only i am doing everything to push it out of my mind and deny it.
Last edited by cukrowapanienka; 05-02-2008 at 01:58 AM.
Don't give up!!! I certainly didn't become abstinent right away. I had to lose weight, gain weight, lose weight etc.for many years. In fact, I had even told myself "For crying out loud, why don't you just accept the fact that you are always going to be fat and miserable. I'm too old to change now." I even left OA because I gave up on myself. After I left OA, I gained 50 more pounds and was totally humiliated and disgusted with myself. It was sure embarrassing to have to return to OA again with even more weight gain. But they all loved me when I couldn't love myself and I got so much support and encouragement when I returned. And then the "miracle of OA recovery" happened and I have been abstinent for 2 years.
I really don't get to face to face meetings. I have a lot of OA literature that I read. It is very good. Especially the daily affirmation books--go to OA.org and you buy books for wholesale.
I also belong to an OA email loop at Yahoo groups. Do a search for that. I belong to 100 plus one. I find this helps me connect with others who understand the powerlessness over food.
I stopped eating sugar & white flour to start my abstinence in Sept 2007 and have kept up with it. It really helped make my appetite more normal and eliminate my binges.
my reflections/doubts bout being an overeater
generally, i often question it that this whole programme will help me. i see no connection whatsoever between my cravings and all these emotional and spiritual issues this programme daels with. 
but how to change them, my consciusness? i asnwered the qestionnaire concerning being a COE, had only 3 'no's .
Good luck
I know I was in denial until age 52. I didn't want to admit I was powerless over food. But if I was in control of food, why couldn't I stop overeating? I had to weigh 240 pounds before I could admit I was powerless over food. Some people have to weigh 400 pounds before they admit they have a problem with food. Every individual is different. Best of luck to you.
