Hi everyone!
I've been dealing with this issue with my fiance lately, and I could use some outside opinions.
In my family, we're not terribly close. I see my parents and brother (because I live with them), and my grandfathers, who both live nearby. Other than that, we're pretty much a "card on Christmas and your birthday" kind of group. My fiance's family, however, gets together ALL the time. Aunts, uncles, second-cousins of family friends, the dogs, etc.
So the issue I'm having is with my FMIL. She and FFIL have requested I call them "mom" and "dad". Fine. I figured "stupid *****" wouldn't fly for her anyway. FMIL insists that, since I'm marrying her son, I'm marrying the whole family. Uh...If I was marrying everyone in the family, I'd have more than one diamond ring on my hand, thankyouverymuch.
I've always thought of marriage as a venn diagram kind of situation (where the two circles are overlapping in the middle) On the far left side is "my" family - my aunt Amy, cousin Steven, Grandpa George, etc. On the far right is "his" family, Grandpa Joe, Great Aunt Tillie, etc. In the middle, the overlappped part, is DF and I.
His relatives stay his, mine stay mine, and all that happens is that DF and I get married and become our own family. FMIL overheard me say that to DF, and said I just felt that way because "obviously your family doesn't love each other as much as we do"
So, what do you think? Am I wrong for not wanting his Uncle Frank to be my Uncle Frank? MY Uncles are the brothers of MY PARENTS.
Any advice/opinions would be appreciated. (No bashing/flaming, please. I'm already having a bad day)
sometimes good, sometimes bad but it is a whole package with the marriage.. these people are with you forever, you will have their grandkids etc...you don't have to go as far as calling them mom and dad though... it is a personal decision.
I dont think of dh's relatives as my family. They're his, and mine are mine. I dont expect him to think of my aunt Char as his aunt Char. Thats just too weird, lol. As for his brothers and sisters..they're just the in laws to me still. His sisters are evil and are nothing to me. But I like his brothers and I wish we lived closer so we could hang out with them more (dh is very close to his brothers). I dont call his mom "mom" because I already had a mother, and I dont need another one. Plus that and dh has issues with his mom, so I've only met her once.
Last edited by Shopaholic1204; 04-18-2008 at 01:35 PM.
Hello! I don't think you're in the wrong at ALL...and for your FMIL to have said that your family just doesn't love each other as much...that's just silly.
I look at my dbf's (future fiance...lol) and my family. My parents and I are VERY close as in i talk to my mom like 4 times a day sometimes. His parents and he are NOT close at ALL and they've only really started talking on a more regular basis (once a month?) after he and I started dating. My brother, who lives in Florida with his wife and their brand new baby (we're in indiana) are 4 years apart but even growing up we were NEVER close. DBF and I are going down there in July to see my new nephew and stay with them while we go to Disney! lol. But the rest of my family - aunts/uncles, etc...for the most part, my family is SO incredibly screwed up that I hope he NEVER meets any of em.
His family - not being really that close (and have their own issues too) - has those holidays you talk about your fiance's family has - Uncle Frank, great aunt tilly, 2nd cousin joe, etc...etc...so I've met his extended family - but ONLY on Thanksgiving and Christmas - otherwise he couldn't care less about his own family. He has an uncle who, when i met him at the holidays - i almost got into a fight with cuz he's SO incredibly crass and rude...i just do NOT like him and i would NEVER call him "uncle" - just his name.
His mom, though - of course, wants me to be a part of this family and feel comfortable around them...and while she hasn't asked me to call her "mom" just yet...i'm sure one day she will and I've thought about it before that I honestly don't know if I'd ever be comfortable doing that. I like his parents and his brother (haven't met his sister yet as she lives far away) and I know i'll become a 'part' of their family - but at the same time - my family is my family and his is his. Two separate families.
I know my mom NEVER called my dad's parents "mom and dad" and vice versa.
Now, i've always thought about too, once there are kids in the pic, then - yeah - those kids are def. part of BOTH families...but i see no reason why you should feel guilty or be guilted into feeling anything such as - just because you don't want to feel like you have to "marry" the entire family!!!
I went...and am still going through...some of these same issues. My family and my hudbands family could not be more different. If they met each other on their own terms...meaning had it not been because of DH and I...they would never be friends. They like each other well enough and are civil..but there are no deep rooted seeds of anything blooming there.
I guess it also helps that my folks...and his...are way more casual about the whol name thing. We're all on a first name basis and it's cool. Personally I already have a mom a dad and a stepmom and I confuse everyone because when I speak of my parents...I am speaking of dad and SM.
But I digress.
Everyone wants to think their family is perfect. In the end....you and your DH to be are a TEAM...you have to be each others priorities...and that means coming up with a unified plan to handle these issues. We just went through a month long battle with DH's mother which ended with her in tears claiming she didnt think her son loved her anymore because they had never gone so long without speaking. That is called manipulation (and a few other things) and that's not what adults do.
I trod on eggshells around my in-laws until after the wedding...my FIL has a very dry and bad sense of humor. he loves to dish it out. Giving it back is apparently a sign if respect and love to him. Once that ring as on my finger, I stopped trying to be sweet and polite all the time...I just played along and now he and I get along fine.
The ONLY 2 relatives of DH that I call by a title are his grandfather and his great aunt (and his grandmother while she was alive) and I think that came out of both respect and following suit for what everyone else called them. I have my own uncles and aunts and cousins as well...the ones I see out here with my DH are his relatives...but you may find that the more time you spend with them the closer you get.
You can't let your FMIL's hangups on titls get to you. You love your fiance for him...and you are grateful to his family for having him...just be patient and DO NOT give in to snarky silly comments about whose family loves who more...she is trying to get to you.
To some extent, you do marry the family. I am not saying you are necessarily as close with his family as your own, but when you join your lives together, your family and his family all bring a whole new dimension to the relationship. But, it's not necessarily a bad thing.
Everyone is different. I can't really say exactly how you and your inlaws will be, because that's between you and your inlaws to work out. But, guaranteed, marriage does at least somehow change your relationship with his family.
We're going on 29 years and this is how it has shaken out. I call his parents by their first names. Cards go to Mom and Dad B. He calls my Parents by their first names. Cards go to ... you get the picture.
In general, we call each others relatives whatever the first guy called them. To DH she's always been Aunt Edy so that's what I call her.
There's a little bit of respect involved but mostly it's continuity, simplicity ...
Just in case the underlying question here really is about marrying his entire family ... yes, yes you do. He comes as a complete package, family tree and all.
Hmm tough issue. I would say yes and no on your question about marrying into the family and etc since it really depends on the issue. I would have taken offense at the fact that your FMIL said that your family does not love each other as much as her family does. She sounds a bit overbearing to me so it might be that you really do have to be firm with your feelings and if you don't want to call her Mom then tell her so and hold to it. There's nothing she can do about that. How I see it marrying into the family to ME means that you're going to be marrying each other and making your own little family and you're going to be combining family traditions and family ways. I will tell you that it is tough. I'm going into my 4th year of being married and we are still working out the kinks when it comes to family issues and how things will be handled with relatives. So in that way when family issues come up like for example: SIL wants to borrow money from her parents they say no she calls your husband crying on the phone about them saying no. Yes you are going to have to deal with that kind of thing and that to me is what marrying into the family means. I hope I've helped some.
Last edited by blondebritbrat17; 04-18-2008 at 01:51 PM.
I have to agree that you do marry his family. Calling them mom and dad should be your choice and when/if you feel comfortable.
It is weird to suddenly have a new family. But it can be great too. And these people will be grandparents and aunts/uncles to your children (and also free babysitters!)
You should talk to your fiance about how you feel, and how it is weird for you to suddenly have a new family.
DH and I have been together for 10 years this year. Here is my opinion:
Question #1: Do you need to call his parents Mom and Dad: NO.
That is a personal comfort thing, and if you are not comfortable with that, just nicely say that you are more comfortable calling them "Dave and Judy" or whatever their names are. I have never called my in laws Mom and Dad, I only call my parents Mom and Dad. It isn't anything disrespectful-I don't call my stepparents Mom and Dad, either. My parents are both remarried, and I call my stepmother and stepfather by their first names.
Because my parents are both remarried, our children have three sets of grandparents, not two. My stepparents however ARE grandparents to our children. We actually have 3 sets of names for the grandparents, so as to not confuse the children by calling EVERYONE Grandma or Grandpa. One set is "Maw and Paw", the next set is "Granny and Papaw", and the third set is "Mamaw and Pop". This way, the kids know which set of grandparents we are talking about.
If you are not comfortable with Mom and Dad, but they want something more "family" than Dave and Judy, or Mr. and Mrs. In-Laws, then you can always come up with something that you both could feel comfortable with-which is what we did with the grandparents.
Question #2: When you get married, do you really marry the whole family?
It depends on what you mean by that. In a sense...YES, you do. I don't mean that suddenly his mother becomes YOUR mother, because she isn't...but, when you blend a family with a marriage, then you are now a part of that family. You have their birthdays, holiday gatherings, and so on and so forth to worry about-not just those in your own family. When Mother's Day rolls around, you have two cards or gifts or visits now...not just the one to your OWN mother. If you normally spend every Christmas Eve (or whatever holiday) at your sister's house in Kalamazoo, but your fiance has always spent every single Christmas Eve at his parents house in Exampleville...once you are married, then you have to sit down and discuss what holiday is going to be spent where.
Also, if you ever have children, then yes, his family is just as much a part of that child as you and your family are.
So, yes. You DO marry the entire family. You might have a crazy Aunt Petunia, and he might have a lazy brother Joe...and once you get married, you have twice the crazy relatives to deal with. However, I think that it's best to hash this all out now, before you take any vows.
Just to chime in... I've been married for 11 years and feel you do marry the family.
If I you dig your heels in and stand your ground - you won't blend into the family... It's much easier to oblige and blend - PARTICULARLY in the future if you have children - as this will be their family too.
What's most important is that you and your fiance agree on how things will play out. The two of you are a team...
I think it depends how close his family is to one another.
In my family, we're close. CLOSE. I mean, my parents live an hour away, we spend a weekend here once a month, I go see family every year at Thanksgiving, and my family is very important to me. My partner's fam, too, is close (particular her dad's side), though they live farther.
I can say without a doubt that all of my relatives are her family, and all of her relatives are my family.
In families that aren't as close, though, it might be different.
Question #2: When you get married, do you really marry the whole family?
It depends on what you mean by that. In a sense...YES, you do. I don't mean that suddenly his mother becomes YOUR mother, because she isn't...but, when you blend a family with a marriage, then you are now a part of that family. You have their birthdays, holiday gatherings, and so on and so forth to worry about-not just those in your own family. When Mother's Day rolls around, you have two cards or gifts or visits now...not just the one to your OWN mother. If you normally spend every Christmas Eve (or whatever holiday) at your sister's house in Kalamazoo, but your fiance has always spent every single Christmas Eve at his parents house in Exampleville...once you are married, then you have to sit down and discuss what holiday is going to be spent where.
I totally agree with this.
I also agree that it depends on the family. My family is not so close and since my parents died, there's only my brother left - and we talk 2x a year if that. So my husband - married me more than my family.
I, OTOH, married into a family that is *all* about the family. You'd think they were Italian! And yes, when I married him, I married his family. And that was part of what I loved about him is that family was (and is) so very important to him.
And another thing - do you really want to say to your kids (when or if you have them) - no, that's YOUR great uncle frank - I'm not related to him. What kind of message does that send to your kids?
So think very carefully about the battles you're going to fight here and what hill you want to die on. Your fiance is the man he is in part because of how he feels about his family. You can choose to accept that or you can try to change it. I can tell you know how well changing it will go.
OTOH, if you accept that you are becoming part of his family and they are becoming part of yours and do it graciously, then you have a better chance of winning the smaller little skirmishes that are really important.
Height: Tall enough for my feet to reach the ground
OK, more opinions:
My family isnt close either, cards, phone calls, ect, that is IT! DH's family gets together Holidays, some birthday ect...(basically they put more effort into seeing each other several times per year)
When I married DH I married the WHOLE family, granted I still maintain my distance within reason. I spend holidays there and sometimes duck out early if I feel I have had enough "family time". I love my MIL more than anything and think the world of most of his family, however, being I am not used to so much family time I can only do so much. I usually leave DH and the kids there and either go walking or just go home (I usually tell them I am tired or something and politely excuse myself). My DH understands this and I feel my MIL does also (she is the only one whose opinion matters to me really, and I wouldnt want to hurt her feelings).
If I dont feel I can do it when they get together, I just simply tell them I can not make it and not go. Granted it is usually less than an hour drive for us, so we do tend to do things often. I just spent last weekend with my brother in law and his family 3 hours away. It was nice and I wish it would have been a longer visit, but it will happen again, usually 1-2 times per year! But there are in-laws I wouldnt drive 10 minutes to see and literally have not driven 8 blocks to my mother in laws house to see when they are in town! So it goes both ways. Yes you marry the family, but you have to be comfortable also, discuss this with your fiance' and make it clear what YOU are comfortable with and what you are NOT.
As far as what to call them, if you WANT to call them MOM and DAD, fine as long as they are ok with it (sounds like they are).
I personally call my MIL and FIL, mom, and "stan" or grandma & grandpa..lol Since we have kids, that works well.
Just do what YOU are comfortable with! That will make it easier. If they dont like it, sit down with them and explain that you are just not comfortable with XXXXXXXX and see how that goes, polite honesty is the BEST way to handle it.
Do you "marry" the whole family?
However, I think that it's best to hash this all out now, before you take any vows.
