20-Somethings - hypothetical crush question (long story)

04-14-2008, 06:07 PM
so let's say i have this friend. and my friend likes this boy in her typography class. he's cute, funny, really talented, super nice, and just all around a good guy. a genuine good guy! well let's say that my friend has known this guy since winter semester last year (they had 2D class together). ANYWAY, she finds out that the live literally 30 seconds away from each other. so he has a party and she and a couple of her friends go over there. the two friends leave and she drinks and gets buzzed and so he makes her stay over. up until this point my friend has liked him for a while until he says something she hasn't forgotten. he says, "i'm really, really shallow."

aww, are you serious? who says that?! grr, way to crush on my friend's dreams!

she ends up sleeping on the couch and he sleeps on the couch next to her. the next morning he makes her breakfast! aww, my friend said it was really good too!

fast forward a few weeks and he asks her to hang out later one night. she drives the 30 seconds to his house and him and his roommates are all playing on their laptops. eventually everyone goes to sleep but my friend and him. they talk and joke around and hang out. was he flirting? she can't tell because she sucks when it comes to things like that.

fast forward to today. my friend and him work on their typography final because my friend has a great camera. so after class they drive to the goodwill and take pictures. she gets to see him with no shirt on! eep! and then they go to j.c. penny's and then to the salvation army. they get tons of fun pictures and have a great time in the process. then he asks her to come hang out in the computer lab. she says no because she has to go workout (of course). so she says she'll call him later.

now, my friend still has to go workout and then call this boy that she likes.

the problem? my friend has absolutely 0 self-confidence. i mean, none. she tries not to show it though. and especially now so that this boy claims to be "shallow." she doesn't know if he seems remotely interested or is just SUPER UBER OMFG nice. of course because she's larger than him her self-esteem is shot to heck as well.

jeez, good thing I don't have this problem. boy, would i be s.o.l!

lol, what's a girl to do?

04-14-2008, 06:26 PM
the statement "I'm shallow" can't be taken too lightly. In "guy" this could mean several things, "I'm afraid of what other people think, so I'll deny dating anyone that won't impress my friends, but I'll behave differently in private." or it might mean "don't count on monogamy from me," or it might mean "I hope you don't think I'm really "deep," or complicated, because I'm a simple guy and what you see is what you get."

The best advice I can give your friend is to ask, in a friendly, casual manner while "hangin" with the guy "when you said you were shallow, what did you mean by that?"

04-14-2008, 06:39 PM
I agree with Kaplods. Reading this I had the bad feeling that "I'm really, really shallow" means that he likes your friend but doesn't want to be seen dating an overweight girl in front of his friends. If he's a nice guy then it may have been his way of telling her not to get her hopes up so she doesn't get hurt.

Hope I'm wrong. I'd ask some questions, like Kaplods said.

04-14-2008, 07:28 PM
Was he buzzed too? Did he just blurt it out of nowhere. That is what I would be looking at. Maybe he meant it regarding a previous comment and wanted "your friend" to say no you're not...blah blah. It seems like he likes you if he wants you to call him. It could be what the other people said..just see if he acts differently towards you around his friends. That will tell you everything you need to know. Good luck! :hug:

04-14-2008, 08:19 PM
I'd agree, don't read too far into the whole "I'm shallow thing. If he's an all around nice guy, chances are it's not true. More than likely he's probably just worried about keeping face with his friends. If he's young, that'll influence who he wants to date, especially if he's close with his friends. It sucks that it's like that, but we're guys...we do stupid stuff like that all the time. You never know though, he could get to the point where he doesn't care what his friends think if he likes the girl enough...seen that happen before.

Florida Native
04-14-2008, 09:25 PM
I have to say that I completely agree with Griff and the others. He might be battling his feelings because of appearances or maybe it was in reference to something he had said previous and he isn't really shallow at all. It's so hard to tell.
Here's the deal, if your friend likes the guy, she should continue to hang out and be friends BUT not let her friendship with him run her life...like, don't be at his beck and call to hang out constantly. She has a life and there are other things out there besides a guy that might be afraid of a relationship with her. Just treat him like any other friend.

If a guy wants more, wants a deeper relationship than a casual friendship, it'll be obvious and you won't have to guess. Maybe I'm just getting "old" because I've been through a lot in my life but I'd rather think I'm just getting wise. I believe if you are getting mixed signals from someone, it's not worth your time to sit there trying to figure it all out. Even if you really like the guy, move on, be happy, live your life to its fullest, and see what happens. Sometimes it wakes the other person up but even if that doesn't happen, it's no loss on your end because you're busy living life instead of waiting on someone to realize how wonderful you are....sorry, I guess I got kind of preachy. My fiance and I broke up back in June and I've learned A LOT about myself since then and couldn't be happier now that it happened. Forgive me! Lol.

04-14-2008, 10:47 PM
my friend says thanks everyone! haha. she thinks that maybe she should just chill out and not worry so much. she likes to read into things a little too much.
so now she'll just play it by ear and see what happens.

thanks again!

04-14-2008, 11:05 PM
thought that i would put my two cents in, even though Im a little late. THis guy invited you over when his roommates and friends were over, so I dont think he's embarassed about being with you. He might very well like you, and it seems like he does. as for the Im shallow comment, he might have said this just to be funny or dumb. ****, I think I've said that to people, but laughingly. definitely wasnt serious, and so maybe this is the case with this guy.

04-14-2008, 11:43 PM
I do think it's a "red flag," though, and should be kept in the back of her mind. Don't ignore words or actions that might be insights into character flaws. I've known many women who ignored statements their love interest made, only to find out that the person is exactly who they claimed to be.

If a guy says "I drink too much, " or "I'm a jerk," or "I'm shallow," or anything else negative about himself, it's important to realize he may be telling the truth. In a sense, it's one "clue" as to who he is. There will be other clues, and you have to gather a whole lot of them before you get a clear picture of who he really is and whether he is worthy of you. The important thing isto not act or view yourself as an eager puppy, willing to take any scraps of attention someone might cast its way.

04-15-2008, 12:35 AM
What was the context that the comment was said in....What were he and your friend talking about when he said it. You know he may say hes shallow but he may also think your friend is beautiful. You gotta look at it how its said and also if alcohol is involved. People say stuff that they don't mean sometimes, especially if they are younger. Alcohol makes people say stupid stuff too. For example one time my bf was drinking and on an IM he told me he was throwing up blood and he was dying. The next day I found out he threw up koolaid and passed out. I would take it with a grain of salt. It seems like he likes your friend. Just tell her to let things play out :)

04-15-2008, 11:10 AM
A different way to look at it... maybe he says he's shallow, but he's assuming you know how beautiful you are?

Er... sorry, your friend.

04-15-2008, 04:58 PM
I don't know man... for someone to blatently admit to "I'm shallow" is pretty deep. I mean, SHALLOW is def. NOT a good trait to have. Like, how lightly would I say something awful about myself like "I'm a racist" or something like that? B/c being shallow is just as awful a trait...

I would think for someone to admit to it means they've thought a lot about it and know what they're saying when they say something like THAT about themselves...

04-15-2008, 06:45 PM
well, he was drinking and i was pretty buzzed myself.

he also said that he wanted the perfect girl but he knew that that was impossible. (i was like, wow...good luck with that one.) maybe that's what he meant when he said he was "shallow." he just wanted/wants the perfect girlfriend and he knows that that kind of girl doesn't exist?

is this making sense?

04-15-2008, 06:54 PM
I think I get what he meant when you put it in that context. I'd like the perfect man too. lol. It does sound sort of shallow when you put it like that, that nothing short of flawless is good enough for ya. I probably wouldn't read too much into one comment, if his actions show he's shallow, then worry. If not, well, no worries.