100 lb. Club - and the hits just keep on coming...

11-13-2007, 01:38 PM
anyway, I got bad news this morning. My doctor called, my cervical cancer is making a second tour. I'm trying to be strong, i beat it once I'll beat it again but I suppose I'm just really upset. As if that wasn't enough news for today, I then got a frantic call from my best friend, whose brother had a massive nervous breakdown and attempted suicide last night. They are pretty sure that although the drugs he took didn't kill him they have probably turned him into a vegetable for the rest of his life.

I'm at work and I'm trying to hold it together. All part of me wants to do is eat a big bowl of comfort food (something like mac & cheese or mashed potatoes) and drink a bottle of wine, then the other part of me wants to go run 10 miles (cause just maybe I could outrun it all) and then the other part of me just wants to collapse get and get the breakdown over with so I can move on and go back to being tough tomorrow.
I told the boy (well about me at least, no need to tell him about my friends brother), he's being really great so far...but with this being a new relationship I don't want this to scare him away. Cancer tends to do that.

I've just canceled all of my plans this week. I don't feel much like going out. I just want quiet. Anyway, I just needed to put it all out there, my own way of screaming I suppose. Coming here always helps.

11-13-2007, 01:44 PM
NESunshine -

I am inspired and in awe that you haven't taken a headfirst dive into a pile of mac and cheese...that is almost certainly what I would have done in your situation.

Nothing really to say, except :hug: and you're in my thoughts. And honestly? My 7 year relationship was tested by fire in the first 3 months...and we did OK. Sometimes people will shock and amaze you with how great they are.

Can you do something indulgent just for you? Maybe book a massage, or go to some fabulous bath supply store and buy yourself all of the ingredients for an amazing bubble bath? Then grab a paperback and read, letting yourself escape from it all for a little bit? Turn the phone off and just be with you for a while.

Lots of love and good thoughts to you.

11-13-2007, 01:47 PM
Wow, now that puts things in perspective. I've had what I call "bad days" but I think yours is what can really be called a bad day. I'm sure you are a very strong person, having fought cancer once already. I can't think of anything I can say that might help at all, but I didn't want to view without responding. Scream away, we are listening and feeling some of your pain along with you. You will be in my thoughts and I hope you have a great support system to help you through this.

11-13-2007, 01:58 PM
I'm so sorry to hear about what you are facing. I agree with Schmoodle, that it really puts things in perspective. I guess my scale being stuck is minor stuff!

I don't know what to tell you to do. I think that you need to do whatever you want to do at this point. If that means a trip into mac & cheese, then so be it. You can take the next day to be strong.

Keep us all updated. We're here if you need us!

11-13-2007, 02:15 PM
:hug: Saying prayers for you, Sunshine.

11-13-2007, 02:19 PM
Not a lot to say other than god bless. It's an awful lot to deal with but I've read your blog and you seem like a very strong person.

We're always here to listen.

11-13-2007, 02:22 PM
:hug: go out your way. I"m sorry to hear that, but with the help of dr's you will be able to beat it again. We are all pulling for you.

11-13-2007, 02:27 PM
:hug: I wish I had words to comfort you. Maybe it'll be enough just to know that someone in Pennsylvania is sending good thoughts, prayers and hugs your way. :hug:

11-13-2007, 02:29 PM
I'm so sorry.... love and :grouphug: to you.

Good for you for not diving into that mac and cheese! You're tough and inspiring, and you'll definitely be in my thoughts. Keep us updated, okay?


11-13-2007, 02:52 PM
good thoughts & wishes coming to you from canada, eh? I think your strong mental fitness will help a lot too - i agree you should indulge yourself with a new book and escape for a few hours if you can

we're all thinking about you!

11-13-2007, 03:06 PM
Sending you best wishes, Sunshine... And, I agree with Mandalinn - do something soothing, nurturing and kind for yourself that is not food-related to remind yourself of how far you've come in your program and that nothing, not even Cancer can stop you now!

I spent some time reading your Blog this afternoon and was inspired by your strength and attitude. I also read where you say your mother is fighting breast cancer... I am confident that together, both of you will come through this just fine.

But for the Grace of God...

Please keep us posted and know that so many care.

11-13-2007, 03:07 PM
I don't have any words of wisdom, just know I am thinking of you.


11-13-2007, 03:13 PM
I don't really know what to tell you since clearly you are a much stronger person than I am, considering I'd probably eat 10 bowls of mac n cheese before I started in on the desserts, but know that I will keep you in my thoughts and hope for speedy treatment and for you to get well. You're right, you've beaten it before and you WILL beat it again. :hug:

11-13-2007, 03:13 PM
:hug: I know exactly about the type of bad day you're talking about. If you'd like someone to talk to who has gone through the same thing, just PM me. Otherwise, good job on taking time for yourself. I did this at some point and everyone thought I was really upset and depressed. Well of course I was really upset, but I just needed some time to myself and I definitely felt better afterwards. Enjoy your time to yourself, and don't forget that your friends and family (and 3FC!) are here when you need us.

11-13-2007, 03:24 PM
Sending my best support your way, NESunshine.

XXXXXXX 7 XXXXXXX 14 XXXXXXX 21 XXXX||| 28 ||||||| 35 ||||||| 42
Completed Beck Program-day 25. 17 to go. Keep going!

11-13-2007, 03:28 PM
Thanks girls,
I feel like I have all these awful days more often than I should. Just when I start like things are settling and I'm starting to get ahead of the game, something awful happens, I total a car, my plumbing needs to be replaced, I get my cancer back...Sometimes I just wonder if it will ever end.

For now I've decided that I'm going to take out my frustrations at the gym, at least for today.... though I did have some peanut m n m's ... not the end of the world. We say all the time that there are so many things that we can't control but this is one thing that I can. I feel so out of control right now... so much is out of my hands and all I can do is wait and ride it out and see what happens... but I have this one thing and I can make the choice and control what I eat and I can go work out and I can start to build some solid ground with that. I'm trying to keep a strong grip on that small corner of sanity. If i give up and give into it now I may as well give up and give into everything else and that just isn't an option. Also, in the long run the better condition my body is in the better it will be at kicking some cancer butt.

In the meantime, I've got a hair appointment scheduled for Saturday so that will be nice....and if the finances permit then after that I'm going for a mani-pedi as just a nice thing to do. The boy and I are planning some low key time this weekend which will be nice...at least he's not scared yet.

Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers. I'm tough, I know I'll get through this again. I just need to get a firm grip.

traci in training
11-13-2007, 03:41 PM
Don't know what to say. Thinking of you. Feel free to vent at us anytime you like.

11-13-2007, 03:43 PM
You ARE tough! You've proved it before, and you're proving it right now. Good for you for having a plan on how to handle this.

Sending healing thoughts from the NW to you in the NE. :hug:

11-13-2007, 05:51 PM
NE I'm so sorry you're going through all of this again. As a person whose fighting MS I want to encourage you NOT to turn to food. When you kick this cancer's butt again the comfort food would only bring you down. It aint worth it and you deserve better! :hug:

11-13-2007, 06:39 PM
Just ask God to be with you and believe in him

11-13-2007, 06:42 PM
Sending lots of prayers and hugs your way...

11-13-2007, 07:38 PM
You know, "it's always darkest before the dawn." I bet you are going to have an amazing dawn! Hang in there!:hug:

11-13-2007, 08:01 PM
I can relate....when my current relationship was brand-new, as in, first month and a half of dating, we went through the "trial by fire," as I like to call it.

Illegitimate baby, grandmother diagnosed and then dying of cancer, got kicked out of the house, lost my best friend...all within a month's time.

You'll make it through. If he's worth it, he'll make it through with you. I can't say it doesn't hurt, or it'll stop hurting anytime soon, or that you won't breakdown more than once....but if you can just keep on going, you'll find that one day it won't be as hard to get out of bed as it used to be. You'll find you enjoy the wind on your face, the rain on the window, the sun in the sky.

I can relate to the "if I can just cry it out tonight, then I can be tough again tomorrow," as well. When my grandmother passed away, I ended up being the one to take care of my parents as well as my younger siblings. I'm only 22, but they've always turned to me as the big sister to be the rock and support when times get tough. My mom completely broke down....so I was the one keeping the everyday life going. My dad....well, my dad threw himself into his work and took clothes to the hospital for my mom to change into.

All I can really promise is that it does get better.

I'm here if you wanna talk/message.

11-13-2007, 11:52 PM
Speedy recovery to you. You've licked it before and you'll do it again. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers, hun. Sending you a big hug. :hug:

Cuter w Curves
11-14-2007, 01:28 AM
You've beat it once... You can do it again! You're strong and determined...
Things I know first hand:

It is devastating to get the... "It's back..." (Nov. 20th, 2003)

It sucks to hear "Surgery will be on XXXX..." (Oct. 2004)

It is even worse if you hear "So we've evaluated your progress and we are going to try XXXX next..." (heard this so many times it isn't worth trying to date)

But they best day of your life is when your specialist tells you they never want to see you again and you can go back to a standard physical. (Jan. 26th, 2007)

Yes the dates, and treatments are 4 letter words (no matter how many letters they have) and yes it is scary as ****... But hunny you are so strong and can get past this.

As for the new relationship:

I was sent back 8 months before meeting my sweetie. I didn't fill him in at first. I finally did and he was there for my appointment even though we'd only been together for a few months. Then came the time for me to be stuck with a 4-6 week surgical recovery... He was supportive and caring even if he was scared out if his mind.

If yours is the one for you then he will be there... And if he gets skittish for a few minutes then go easy on him. It is some scary **** for us... I can't imagine feeling as helpless as they do.


I look forward to your all clear date. It may take a couple years but it will come!

11-14-2007, 09:37 AM
:hug: I am so sorry that you have to go through that again..... You are in my prayers... :hug:

11-14-2007, 12:39 PM
:hug: What a horrible day, Sunshine. I can't offer any advice, but I am thinking of you.

Leaves more :hug:

11-14-2007, 12:59 PM
Oh Sweetie, I am so sorry to hear of this. But you are one tough chickie, one with the right attitude and gosh, that's worth SO much. You ARE strong enough to beat this, and beat this you will.

I wish you a full and speedy recovery. You will be in my thoughts, often. :hug:

11-14-2007, 02:07 PM
:hug: I am sorry you are having to go through this again. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Miss Valentine
11-14-2007, 08:53 PM
I can't offer great advice to you with what you are going through right now, but I feel for you and you are in my thoughts. Stay strong, and come to the forums often for all the support you may need.

11-14-2007, 09:26 PM
wow... reading things like this really puts things into perspective for me. I feel so selfish thinking about what problems get me down when there are people like you having to deal with... well... more :censored: than anyone should have to deal with. I'm so sorry that you're going through such an awful time, but keep us all up to date on what's happening and we're all thinking about you. When you're feeling low, write it all down. We'll all listen :listen:

Praying for you and inspired by your strength,


11-14-2007, 09:36 PM
Oh NE Sunshine :hug: My prayers are with you.

11-14-2007, 10:09 PM
Hi, I really don't know what to say. I just want to give you my love and prayers and I hope everything works out for both you and your friend. God bless :hug:

11-15-2007, 11:15 AM
Thank you again everyone for all your thoughts and prayers, kind words and messages. I'm already feeling better, stronger. I beat it the first time with nothing to lean on but a bottle and no one to talk to but my cat....I was a year into it before I even told anyone.

Now I'm tougher, stronger, healthier and surrounded by so many wonderful supportive people... I am in an incredible mindset.

I have no doubt that I will beat this again and further all of my other goals. It's funny some of you mentioned how you follow my blog...I mean, I know that it's out there and I know people read it but I guess I always just sort of forget that. I'll do my best to keep it updated as I begin this journey.

Again, thank you all for being there and listening. Just knowing that I'm not alone helps tremendously.

I have no fear.

11-15-2007, 04:57 PM
Sunshine--Wow, I am so sorry to hear you are going through all of this. I don't know what to say, except we are all here for you. You are strong. You will get through this.

11-15-2007, 10:27 PM
Positive thoughts in your direction, NESunshine. :hug: We're all here for you.

11-16-2007, 05:18 PM
I also read some of your blog. It sounds like you have really worked hard to deal with multiple "addictions". Any one of those is "enough".

I don't think I could imagine how you must be doing with so much around you. I won't even try.

When I have so much to deal with, I have learned to stay in the moment and deal with what is directly in front of me then I move from that vantage point. One thing at a time, one day at a time. I too have some of the same issues that you are dealing with. Money. Weight. Health. Relationships. Multiple addictions. I am a "walking 12 Step meeting".

Keep us posted and we will keep you in our prayers.

:hug::hug: Double dip will do ya!:hug::hug:

11-17-2007, 08:39 AM
We're all here for you!