[mascara]

I know most of you are mothers yourselves and around my mothers age so you may be able to help. My mother runs like ****-like 5 miles a day-to lose weight, shes lost a lot of weight from her legs but cant lose it from the rest of herself. Shes gone loco to lose the weight! shes eating just crackers and low fat cream cheese! i tried to raise it with her and got defensive and started mentioning my weight which she knows is a touchy subject with me. Im just asking for some help here, this may go onto a full on eating disorder (she was talking about when she went on the cabbage soup diet and was throwing up because of it and how much weight she lost because she was throwing up!) I'm quite scared right now and need to know a way to raise it with her.

[Bikini Dreader]

I can imagine how concerned you are for your mother. Unfortunately, this is something she needs to figure out. I think the only thing you can do is be there for her and let her know that you are concerned, of course. Tell her how you feel but you can't force her to eat. You can give her information about what this will do to her body certainly, but this does seem like a disorder to me. There is a spectrum of disordered thinking and behaviour and I definitely agree that you have cause for concern. Unfortunately, you can't force people to change their thinking. You can only voice your concern and any information you think she will listen to.

That's my opinion anyway: this is coming from a former anorexic and someone who has lived with an anorexic/bulimic person who I tried to help for 3 years. In the end, she asked for real help when she was ready and not a minute earlier. The only I could do was allow her not to have to hide her disorder from me and to speak frankly with her about how I felt and listen. I went to all her doctor's appointments with her and watched her continue to hurt herself. But you can't force someone to get better. It's an illness.

I hope things get better for you and your mother.

[kaplods]

You might consider TOPS for her and/or yourself, if you have a local chapter. They're inexpensive to join (I think about $20 to join for year) and weekly dues are usually very low (they're set by every chapter and can range from passing a hat for voluntary donations to several dollars, I've never been a member of one (in Illinois, where I lived at the time) where the dues had been more than $3 a week, or heard of a chapter that charged more than $4).

They're a non-profit group and each chapter is run according to the national bylaws, and any that the individual group has added. The official food program used to be exchange based (you could buy the book, or check out the club's copy). You didn't have to follow the club's plan, but healthy eating, not starvation is stressed. A lot of chapters do charity fund raisers to support the group and often to donate to various causes. Most groups have fun games competitions too. In one group I belonged to there was a kitty in which if you gained that week, you were supposed to put in a dime (eventually upped to a quarter) for every pound gained. The "biggest loser," for the week won the kitty. People would volunteer to sponsor and plan a game that might last one week (like diet trivia bingo) or several (the rules to be determined by the person leading the game). The chapter would give the person $15 for prizes (and the person leading the game often added to or matched the funds, but they weren't expected to) to buy dollar store prizes for the game "winners." Sometimes the games were based on weight loss, sometimes on other healthy habits.

In the groups, I belonged to (this was about 12 years ago, so some of the customs may have changed), for every $5 you lose TOPS gives or lets a member choose or buy a cheap charm (that can be added to a necklace, bracelet, keychain, strung on a ribbon... One lady made a "girl scout" style sash and sewed hers to them, as she had lost 200 lbs and still had about 75 to go).

Usually the clubs allow you to try several meetings free (or at the cost weekly dues price without paying the $20 yearly dues). You might ask your mom to go to a meeting to try it out together. If you don't think that approach would work, you could try it out and if you like it, you could tell your mom how fun it is (maybe not even suggesting the first time yo mention that SHE try it).

Hmm, telling you about it, makes me want to join again. I'll have to see where the local chapters here meet (we're now in Northwestern Wisconsin).