100 lb. Club - bittersweet




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watchhershrink
04-07-2007, 06:06 PM
last week 230
this week 227
loss this week 3
total loss 83!!

im so pysched today, because last night i pulled on a pair of size 17 JUNIOR (not junior plus) jeans and they fit. and they looked so much better on me than the baggy saggy clothes ive been wearing. plus, when i looked into the mirror this morning, i did not see a 'fat girl'. i saw a normal girl who was a little chubby but not remarkably fat at all. that is so weird for me.

i have only two really distinct scale related memories. i remember stepping on the scale when i was 13 (and much shorter, probably 5'7 where as im 5'11 now) and seeing something like 185 and thinking 'omg im going to weigh 200 pounds!' and then in 2005 when i stepped on the doctors scale at 18 years old and saw 310 and immediatly decided i had to start losing weight. so from a 185lb child to a 310lb adult, i never knew how much i weighed.

every day i look in the mirror and its the thinnest ive ever been. im a different person every day. its so weird. it makes me sort of anxious sometimes and i feel like i dont know who i am half the time.

i dont know, i know im rambling but this whole thing is a little overwhelming and i feel like im having a sort of identity crisis. can anyone relate? this should be a good thing, and it is, but its also got all of these negatives attatched.


jennylou
04-07-2007, 06:17 PM
watchhershrink - congratulations first on your incredible sucess! And size 17 juniors? When did they start making those? It used to be the highest they went was 13, and sadly, I was therefore, shopping in the woman's department while still in high school!

Second, it is hard to get used to the exterior changes. I lost weight when I was 20 (the bad way, with Metabolife) and I felt great, but you're right, it's weird to be the thinnest you've ever seen yourself as an adult.

I saw your comment in the other thread about looking normal, and you're not so far off base! I think the average size female in America is a size 14, so you're certainly not far from that now. :) And heck, that was years ago, it might be a 16 now, for all I know - I mean, afterall they keep talking about how we're getting fatter as a nation.

midwife
04-07-2007, 06:42 PM
Just wanted to comment on how fantastic your progress is. Best wishes to you!


debnboyz
04-07-2007, 07:35 PM
First of all, congratulations on your termendous success....all that hard work is WORTH it!

Secondly, you described exactly how I felt YEARS ago when I was in college. I was about a size 20/22 when I was a junior in college. During the fall semester I lost about half my dress size...I was a 12 or 10....I looked great! Only one problem....it was as if I was living in a fuzzy world. It was actually the entire year..as I worked on maintaining. It was hard to explain, but it's similiar to what you explained.

I was getting attention from guys (up to that point...none). I liked it! My mom seemed so proud of me. Family members asked if I lived on Diet Coke...I didn't....I ate...I counted calories. I felt good about myself.

I gained the weight back within a few years (got a boyfriend and stopped eating healthy/exercising). Dumped the fella.....lost weight again......met my now husband, 2 babies later I have 100+ to lose. I'm trying again though...this time making lifestyle changes.

You have accomplished something that millions of folks *wish* would happen to them. You decided to do something about your life and are doing it!!!

zynr
04-07-2007, 07:56 PM
Congrats on your success bittersweet!

Heather
04-07-2007, 09:13 PM
I know how you feel. The first time this happened to me was on the way "up" -- I gained 70 pounds in college and went from "chunky" to "obese" and didn't recognize myself. This time I've gone from 295 to 175 (or so) and just don't recognize myself. I'm not the same fat woman after 20 years!!

I think I would have had a hard time handling this change when I was younger (perhaps one of the many reasons I never tried?). This time, it IS fun and exciting, AND scary, but I think I'm pretty grounded in who I am on the inside in many ways, so it's not as freakish having who I am on the outside to change.

And then again, I am changing on the inside too! I am becoming a person who pays attention to her body when she exercises (and a person who exercises) and who is learning new things about what it can do all the time! I'm becoming a person who pays attention to clothes because she finally has OPTIONS to choose from. I'm becoming a person who takes time to get dressed in the morning and wants to learn to wear makeup and had her first ever manicure and pedicure, because she realizes she's important and to let herself know that.

So, yeah, I think on some level this is flipping me out. And I'm in my 40s!

I think it's normal to have these feelings, and this is a great place to talk about them!

tinasull
04-07-2007, 09:29 PM
Boy, I can relate to you all! Although I am older, I am 60, I am, for the first time in 30 years, under 200#! But it is bittersweet, as you say. I still see a fat person in the mirror, I am not very tall at 5'5". but just got into a size 14 jeans, although a bit tight. I love it and get a lot of compliments, but, inside, I am a scared fat person! I am so scared of putting on the weight and still have a ways to go to get to goal. I have lost up to 60# twice before, the difference, this time, is I am doing it for myself. Still plenty hard. It is really neat to hear from others having the same feelings. Amazing, really. I have three friends who have lost the same I have, but they all had the bariaratric surgery, I have not, and so, while they can gain back the weight, it is harder to do than for me to gain it back. I am in my third year of dieting and exercising, I wish I could say it gets easier. As you all know, it does not. And I am so scared of gaining it all back. I just can't. Tina

becoming wisdom
04-08-2007, 04:42 AM
When I was young and very skinny, I got lots of unwanted attention from strangers in the street, making me wary of dark or lonely paths. People also assumed I was immature, before I uttered a word. When I gained weight, it embarassed and frustrated me, but at least I got treated with more respect, until I reached an upper limit, and then I became invisible.

I lost the weight three years ago, and had to deal with all that unwanted attention again, much of it sexual. Although this time, instead of being perceived as immature, people reacted as if I was a good deal more competent than I felt. It was not easy to get used to!

I began to watch 'normal' friends to see how they coped. It seems they are a good deal more desensitized than me. All those years I was trying to do damage control when people first met me, all the times I felt my husband or kids were judged differently because of their association with me, have left me with way too thin-skinned habits!

So even though I gained back most of the weight, I'm losing it again (and it is tough) but with better habits now, from the last couple of years, to maintain the lower weight. I'm going to resist giving so much importance to each questionable nuance of interaction, because people who prejudge by appearance aren't looking very deep. Such prejudgement, either way, is a lapse in behaviour, at the least. Maybe this time I can choose to quit rewarding it with any more of my serious concern, or so I hope!

Heather
04-08-2007, 09:42 AM
tinasull (and anyone else) -- you may want to check out the maintainers' forum here. Lots of people who've lost weight and kept it off share their experiences. It's really a great resource and you don't have to be a maintainer yourself to post. In fact, it's really helped me to check there from time to time because I DO want to keep it off this time and I'm starting to figure out how!