100 lb. Club - My Sister---She Called Me a ... COW.

02-27-2007, 11:06 AM
I got in a big fight with my sister last night. You know, I hold myself accountable for my part in the argument. I know what I said to her was no better than what she said to me. I know we both said harsh things; we were mad. So she called me a Cow.. which usually when we argue she will call me fat or something to that extent.

So Last Night---
... She called me Cow... she called me a Sow... she called me a Loser.. she said I disgust her and that I am a 300 lb fat pig who couldn't get a guy even if I wanted one.. she thinks I'm bipolar... and she said that people are tired of feeling sorry for me because I whine all the time...

I expect it.. she's made fun of my weight all my life.. so why do I let it get to me?

I've been letting her opinions affect me and my health. I mean, I haven't been able to exercise in front of her.. I feel self conscious of everything.. what I wear.. what I eat.. when I exercise.. which makes it very difficult to get in a workout when I'm at home because although we both work 2 jobs, she is home more than I am. If I am jumping around exercising she comments on the house falling apart and the walls shaking. :mad:

Ugh, I am so mad. I let it get to me and that annoys me more. It's not just the fat thing.. it's living with her is making me nutz. :dizzy: We have shared a place now for a little over a year and I don't know how much longer I can do it....

What to do??

02-27-2007, 11:32 AM
I'm sorry Kae!!! It must be so hard to go through that all the time. I know that it must be hard to tune her out, but just turn up the workout tape and ignore her!!!!! It's always hard to tune out a name-calling loud sister, trust me, I know! You just need to remember that you have already lost 9lbs, and that you are doing something for YOU and that whatever you need to do to get to goal, exercise, the foods you eat, anything, is part of this journey. And if she can't support you and boost you up, she's not a very understanding person. Is there any way you can sit down with her and explain what you are trying to do? That you are tired of the weight and want to better yourself? And the fact that she is constantly ragging you about it is not helping at all? I wish it were easier for you, sometimes the people who are supposed to support you the most do it the least. You always have a place to vent here though! And I know most of us have the people who will always be unsupportive. For me, it's my Mom. And it stinks, but I just think about how hot I'll be when I lose the weight, and then she'll have nothing more to say!!! :lol:

02-27-2007, 11:43 AM
Is your sister overweight? Is it possible that she's jealous of your weight loss?

Sorry to hear that she's being insensitive and downright mean.

02-27-2007, 11:50 AM
My sister has been gaining some weight but she is probably about 5'7-5'8 and about 185 lbs?? She wears a size 12 tall pants I think and small- med. size shirt.

Mrs Quadcrew
02-27-2007, 11:50 AM
:hug: First off, I am sending you a big hug. It is so sad whenever anyone (be it a relative or someone off the street) feels that it is ok to lash out with such hateful things. I now look at that person as someone who must not think a whole lot of themselves for them to feel it is ok to berate another human being like that. What a terrible existance they must have.

For it being your sister, and one that you live with no less, you are going to have to come up with some coping strategies. Is moving out an option? It sounds like it is not a very ideal living situation for you to be in with all the negative things going on. NO matter what, I think you need to set down with her and have a long talk. Before doing it, make notes to yourself as to all the things that need to be discussed. I hope you can work somethiing out. And don't forget, we are all here for you.

I do know your pain. I have a sister that I didn't speak to for 8 years (for some of those kinds of reasons) She and I are friends now, but she knows that if it ever got bad like it did before, that I will not hesitate to shut that door again. I had to for my own mental heath. Some people are just toxic and refuse to help themselves.

02-27-2007, 12:00 PM
I agree with the move out option. It sounds to me like you are toxic for one another. An abusive relationship is NOT the road to a healthy you. Even if you lose weight, all the stress and anxiety alone is very unhealthy. Live for you!

02-27-2007, 12:10 PM
*big hug* I know your pain Kae. For me it is my aunts and grandmother always making snide remarks about how big I am or saying mean things to my sisters about how they need to make sure they don't turn out like I did. (I'm the oldest of 4) I also agree with the move out option, if that truely is an option for you. I've struggled with my weight my entire life and it wasn't until i was VERY far away from the negative energy my extended family was feeding me that I was finally strong enough to do something about it. Now I'm looking forward to my visit this summer, when I've lost a ton of weight, just to show them that they were wrong. Imagining the looks on their faces when they see that the "fat" neice/granddaughter is no longer fat is one of the things that keeps me motivated to exercise and eat right.

02-27-2007, 12:29 PM
I'm sorry, Kae. :hug: I agree with the others... if possible, move out, or at least spend as much time away as possible.

As for her nasty comments when you work out, ignore them if you can. It's not your fault she has a cushy schedule. It sounds like SHE'S the bipolar one... if she were really concerned about your mental health, she wouldn't be blowing up like that. I'm sorry Kae :( Please vent here anytime you need to, we're here for you!

02-27-2007, 12:30 PM
That's wicked mean! Get far away from her as soon as you can! She sounds angry beyond a heart-to-heart conversation (though I'd encourage that, too).

Perhaps you could start going for walks instead of exercising in front of her. I'd not exercise if someone was continually criticizing me. Ick!

I'm so sorry the relationship between the two of you has gotten so sour!

02-27-2007, 01:00 PM
She is upset with me. I have been thinking about moving out.. out of state in fact. My brother and his wife have invited for me to come live with them in New York. I would love to make more of my art and here (in MN) I am not doing anything with it. My bro and his wife both say I can come stay as long as need before I find a job and a place to live. I know my sister is upset about this, though she has not said it to me she has said it to my other sister. She doesn't want me to go.

As for me, I debate it. Although it is something I always said I wanted to do (even though I have never been there).. it is not the sister I live with that is making me stay. I feel bad about leaving my mom and my little sister behind. My little sister is 6.. and I try to help my mom out with her at least once a week. My mom has Lukemia of the Blood and Bone Marrow, for which the only actual cure is a bone marrow transplant...

Do I live for others or for myself? I struggle with the guilt. I am thinking about visiting them in Mid May in NY.. check out the moving prospects and such and see if it is even something I would like to do or just an ideal I have created in my mind.

02-27-2007, 01:02 PM
WOW - that's a great "in" to NY! Very exciting. I visited Manhattan once and I loved it!

Tough call on the living-for-others guilt. I understand the little sis and mom thing.

02-27-2007, 01:35 PM
Kae, she's reverting to name-calling and making for some deep-seated bad feelings.....and (ahem), she is not perfect herself.....physically or in her head.
(she sounds amazingly like my xhusband throughout our divorce).

I think you would love NY, it might raise your spirits to visit....certainly a change in environment would be instrumental in boosting your mood.....

I live 30miles west of NYC...people from my neighborhood regularly commute and work there....I saw my neighbor for the frist time since last summer, and commented on how great she looked....she lost about 30 lbs. by simply giving up her Metrocard (subway) and walking to work from the bus terminal in a 6 month period.

Don't let your sister's cruelty get to you.....she's not a happy woman with herself.

SD Gal
02-27-2007, 02:20 PM
Kae, she's reverting to name-calling and making for some deep-seated bad feelings.....and (ahem), she is not perfect herself.....physically or in her head.
(she sounds amazingly like my xhusband throughout our divorce).

I think you would love NY, it might raise your spirits to visit....certainly a change in environment would be instrumental in boosting your mood.....

I live 30miles west of NYC...people from my neighborhood regularly commute and work there....I saw my neighbor for the frist time since last summer, and commented on how great she looked....she lost about 30 lbs. by simply giving up her Metrocard (subway) and walking to work from the bus terminal in a 6 month period.

Don't let your sister's cruelty get to you.....she's not a happy woman with herself.

I agree. This is simply horrid. My xhusband did the same thing to me. I am astonished she'd stoop to name calling, that's just low. Hugs to you.. keep your chin up and DON'T allow her to get under your skin.. and remember to live for yourself first.. life is too short.. trust me, I have lived it. :hug:

02-27-2007, 02:45 PM
Oh, Kae, I feel for your situation. Those are some tough decisions to make. It has always amazed me that so many people think that it is ok to be so nasty and make such awful comments to those of us on the "fluffy" side. Most would never even consider such comments to people with other issues, but seem to be of the mindset that it is ok to ridicule fat people.
Kae, WE are here for you. Keep strong and feel good about coming to this resource with your frustrations. :hug:
Just keep going with your exercising and making it closer to your goal!!

02-27-2007, 02:47 PM
Kae, I am so angry reading your post you have no idea. She calls herself a sister. I'm sorry, I don't mean to put her down, but she's just so out of line here. It is totally unacceptable to say things like that to people. What is she 5? Actually a 5 year old would know better then that. I wouldn't take one word of what she said to heart. I would ignore whatever she said. She's definitely got some issues here. Which is just too bad for her. She has no right taking it our on you.

As for your moving to NY. I think it's a great idea. I think you need to get out of that situation with your sister and NY is a great place to spread your wings. I'm so sorry that your mom is not well. I guess that does make the situation not so cut and dried. Have you talked about it with your mom? Told her how you are considering it? I'm sure she would want what's best for you. Nothing would make her happier then to see you happy.

02-27-2007, 02:59 PM
Sounds like you have my sister (and you can keep her!!). Honestly, though she would probably find something to pick on you for, even if you were thin. Some sisters have a way of finding our weaknesses and exploiting them just to make themselves feel more important. I lived with my "bad" sister once for two years, it was the longest two years of my life! Can she take over helping out your mom? You really need to talk to your mom about the situation, not your sister who can make you feel guilty about moving, just to make you stay. As a New Yorker, I love it here. I agree with you taking a trip out and checking it out, so nice of your brother and his wife to offer you a place to stay, that can really take a lot of stress off of you and what an opportunity!! You need to do what is best for you.

02-27-2007, 03:05 PM
I think I may have been a little unclear. What I meant by "live for you" is that until you begin to take care of you, physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc....there will be nothing but the worst of you to be with. Your time with your mom and baby sis will leave much to be desired until you become the woman you were created to be. A woman living with the stress and abuse you are suffering was NOT created to live that way. It's almost like you were living with a husband who beat you up. If your best friend lived with a man who kicked the crap out of her what would your advise be? Love yourself enough to give that same advise to you....what a great example of love that would be for baby sister!

02-27-2007, 03:30 PM
Have you talked to your mom about this at all? I'm sure that she wouldn't want her illness to stand in the way of your growing as a person. Also your other sister (the one that you live with) should also be helping out as well if your mom needs the help. I think going out there in May to have a look at the situation sounds like a good idea.

I don't know what gives her the right to call you names. Like at her height and weight she isn't a supermodel either. that's one of the great things about my family, they have never, ever commented in a negative way about my weight. My mom nags me once in awhile about it but she's never said anything bad to me about it.

02-27-2007, 03:44 PM

I have briefly spoken to my sister in the past 2 weeks, not since yesteday mind you, about how I am trying to lose weight. She knows I am trying; I am the one who buys ALL of the groceries.

I have talked a little bit to my Mom about moving out of state. She is aware that I am looking into it, though I don't know if she knows how serious I am. While she doesn't want to hold me back, I do know that she absolutely doesn't want me to go. She wants me to be happy but it's not just about the babysitting my sister thing; my mom will tell you herself that I helped raise her, it is a companionship thing. I am closer to her than my other siblings; I make the effort and try to help out. My other siblings do not offer to help out and they won't.. least of all the sister I live with currently.

RoyalsFan1-- as for your comment: what would you say to someone being abused? That is a good point. I know both sides of the spectrum really because I have been there when I told someone to get out and in the same sense when I was a teenager my mom's ex (my little sis's dad) Verbally and Physically abused us all for a few years while we lived with him. So I can see where I just kinda let people walk on me.

02-27-2007, 04:50 PM
:hug: :hug: :hug:

02-27-2007, 05:04 PM
Kae, sometimes other siblings won't offer to help when one person is doing the majority of the work....think for a bit what would actually OCCUR if Kae wasn't there to pick up the slack........they would have to all pitch in and share responsibility.

If you can't "just say *no*" , make yourself unavailable for a bit and see what happens.

02-27-2007, 05:06 PM
Sending best wishes...

02-27-2007, 06:12 PM
Kae, I don't have any answers for you, but I hope things work out for the best. It's complicated, but moving to NY sounds fantastic if you can do that. Your sister clearly has some issues she needs to work through, and you don't need her affecting the positive things you're doing for yourself. It breaks my heart that you have to deal with it, honestly. But you know you're making positive changes, and we're here for you! :hug:

02-27-2007, 10:07 PM
Oh Kae hun :hug: I am so sorry that she is so ... hurtful and insensitive! No one deserves to be discriminated against or laughed at on the basis of their weight, or anything else really. I wish this decision was easier for you, although even as I write that I can't help but think that we grow stronger through these experiences - still, I wish it was easier..

Hang in there, we are here for you and will support you along the way :hug:

02-27-2007, 10:34 PM
Back again. I moved from NY to Wisconsin to live with my sister when I was 21 -- remember, if you don't like it here you can always go back "home". So, if you think it might be exciting, give it a try. I went to WI on vacation for two weeks and came back and gave my boss two weeks notice. I lived there for 3 years before coming back. It's just a wonderful experience you're being offered -- hope you make a decision based on You!!! But, if you don't want to leave your mom and little sister, then try to make some changes to make your relationship with your sister better - even if it means moving out!!!

02-27-2007, 11:29 PM
I think the thing to keep in mind is this. Relatives, especially siblings, know our weaker points. You know how to push her buttons, she knows how to push yours. When an arguement erupts, things that happened when you were 8, 10 or 12 get drug up and the skeleton dances for the world to see. It's the nature of siblings, but the other side of that coin is they are the ones we should be able to turn to when we need them. Be it emotional, mentally or financially. It doesn't sound to me as if your sister, and perhaps you are pulling equal weight. If you can argue and fight and call one another names, you should also be able to sit down, talk and hopefully say I'm sorry, I love you. If you can't than you're BOTH in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship and you're poisoning each other.

I agree with the visit NY suggestion. You may get there, fall in love with the city, or realise that it's not the city for you. Who knows? You won't, unless you try it. As for mom and youngest sis, if your siblings/aunts/family whoever aren't willing to pitch in and help, what about churches? Friends? Organisations who help people with cancer? Resources are available. However, I also know, myself with a parent who has battled breast cancer, twice. Another parent who is a walking time bomb, that leaving, knowing they need help is rough. Emotional suicide, sometimes. But, not doing what will make you happy is the same thing. You have to do whats best for you too. Good luck!

02-28-2007, 02:49 AM
Even if you do decide to stay in your town and help your mom, that doesn't mean that you have to live with your sister, or even talk to her. Whenever someone starts to be abusive to me, that's when the conversation is over. If you walk away, she'll feel pretty stupid following you down the road shouting afer a while. Maybe you can tell her that the two of you can talk any time she's going to be reasonable, and walk away when she's not. I'd definitely move out though. It sounds like there is a lot of emotional blackmail going on in your life. Everyone and everything is not your responsibility. You cannot hold the world together by yourself. Even if you could, you'd have to take care of yourself and make sure you were in good health first.

Oh, I've never posted on this part of the forum before. Sorry, Hi, I'm Jessica. Nice to meet you.

02-28-2007, 06:13 AM
Hey I'm sending a BIG hug.But please dont let what was said to you stop you from staying here with us who I know not 1 person thinks of you nothing other than a woman whom we ALL care about.We're all fighting the same battle.So,what comes around goes around and most people who are ugly will have there turn on a day when they least expect it.So,hold that head up HIGH,come to this site and just see how most of us are tuffing different things out!!!! Maybe deep down she is in pain and she is taking it out on you.I have 4 sisters and sometimes when they have had a bad day I can say something and they end up taking it out on me or the others and we dont even why.So we try to be quick to forgive,just in case next time I have a bad day and take it out on on of my sisters. DON'T WORRY BE HAPPY!!!!

02-28-2007, 06:11 PM
Thank you ALL for your responses! The support is really appreciated. It really meant a lot to me to get so much feedback.

02-28-2007, 07:24 PM
just because shes thin doesnt mean shes not jealous of your weight loss. maybe she feels poorly about herself so bringing you down boosts her up. shes a jerk. ((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))

03-01-2007, 12:21 AM
Kae, I am so terribly sorry!

I guess the rule is that we can't change what people think/say/do to us...all we can change is how we react to it.

This reminded me of a time in high school. There was this guy, Randy, that I really liked and we were both in drama together and were really good friends. We had English together and one day we had a substitute and of course, you know how kids love to treat a substitute. I was shocked to see that Randy was one of the people being really out of line, and I commented on it (it was kind of a class free for all at that moment) and he looked at me and said in front of everyone, "Why don't you stay out of it, you fat pig?"

I was crushed. He apologized for it later, but you just can't take something like that back. It doesn't go away.

Keep plugging away at your weight loss, Kae and be careful not to turn what you're doing into a "I'll show her" thing. You do what you are doing for you! No one else!