Weight Loss Support - Advice about hubby, please?




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LakeGirl
02-23-2007, 10:44 PM
So, I've been doing well with my eating and I went back to curves this week and got in three workouts. I feel really good about what I'm doing and about where I am mentally with the whole getting healthy thing.

What I don't know is how to get my husband on board. He has been enjoying the new "menu" as he calls it, which is a plus. There was a time when any meal that was considered low fat he would raise a fuss about. I have no idea what he weighs, but I'd venture to say it is somewhere over 400lbs. With him being almost 43 years old, that terrifies me. He is extremely sedentary. He works as a manager in a computer programming department, so as you can imagine, it's a desk job. He comes home, eats dinner and then moves to in front of the television until bedtime. Of course, being in front of the television, he snacks and though he is now reaching for the low calorie snacks as that is all I buy, he is still eating anywhere from 2-3 different snacks in the evening.

He's diabetic and takes insulin injections three times a day and I am absolutely terrified for his health and for his life. As a person with her own weight issues, I know how angry and defensive it always made me to have anyone comment on my weight. It didn't matter to me that they loved me and worried about me. So, I hate the thought of nagging at him. I did blog about him tonight without mentioning names (he reads my blog and will know i'm talking about him).

It's probably a situation where I can't make him want to do it, but yet it's hard to feel afraid about his health and not say anything to anyone about it.

Thanks for listening to me babble.


Heather
02-23-2007, 10:59 PM
When I started this journey my hubby wanted nothing to do with it. I think he was even threatened by it on some levels.

In the past I had tried to involve him in my (brief) weight loss attempts with disatrous results.

As you said, nagging probably won't work. This time, I told him I DIDN'T want him to join me. I cooked good food and waited. After a few months, he saw my success and expressed an interest in starting. He halfheartedly tried for a day or so and stopped. I kept going and a month later he REALLY wanted to get started, and did!

He's lost a lot of weight (over 50 pounds) in over a year.

I think you're right. You can't GIVE someone the desire and motivation to lose weight. But you can provide good food, a good example, and hopefully, support when he is ready to try. I think sometimes people don't think it's possible to lose weight -- that they can't do what needs to be done (that was one of my problems).

One of the things that brought my husband on board fully was when I talked about how much I loved the food I was eating... it helped allay many of his fears.

So, I don't think you can nag or force. It's not going to work unless he wants it. But you can do a lot to make him think it's possible. Good luck!

Angihas2
02-23-2007, 11:34 PM
Nope, ya can't nag. I understand the health concerns. Not form my spouse, but for my dad.

I brought Matt on board by explaing to him how important this was for me, how dedicated I was to this new way of life. I explained that I didn't expect him to work out with me everytime, or walk every mile that I walk, but as I'm the chief cook and head bottle washer, I would be making one meal/snack at each time, as normal, but the selections would be healthy. He could eat it or not, but I wasn't cooking for me and the kids then another meal for him. He eats what I cook, so thats no issue. He started out walking with me, everytime, working out everytime, and as he has more experience in the free weight arena of working out, I really needed his help with form etc. So I phrased it that way. He's starting to slack off this last 2 weeks and I noticed, in the last 4-5 days, I too have slacked off with working out, although I'm staying within calorie range. So, I just kick myself in the butt and continue on. He can't do this for me, and hopefully, by watching what great success I am and will have down the road, he'll get more committed to a healthier way of life. Other than that, there's just not much we can do. It's illegal to drag your spouse behind the car to make them walk. And we can't monitor adults eating as we would our kids. Until he wants to change, there's really not a thing you can do about it.


Heather
02-23-2007, 11:54 PM
It's illegal to drag your spouse behind the car to make them walk.

:rofl: darn it!

almostheaven
02-24-2007, 12:13 AM
Trying to get him to work on his weight will only push him to be more stubborn about it. You're gonna worry, but you have to keep it to yourself. He won't understand until he WANTS to understand. The more I tried with my nearly 300 pound, severely diabetic dad, the worse he got. So I quit trying. And he went on a diabetic diet this year and has lost 14 pounds. I don't know if he'll continue. He has a habit of starting diets every year. But I know that nothing I can say will do it. Heck, his family doctor of many years threatened to drop him as a patient if he didn't lose 25 pounds before his next visit once. She said she was tired of seeing a patient who was wasting her time. He didn't lose 25, and she didn't drop him.

SwimGirl
02-24-2007, 12:21 AM
Angi - are you sure? ;)

My boyfriend DEFINITELY needs to lose a few pounds, but I'm not saying a WORD! I started eating healthy, trying to learn to cook - I'm horrible, so I had to get his help for that. At first he just helped me cook, but now he's wanting to pick out healthy food when we go grocery shopping. It's cute.

I think leading my example is the way to go, once he see's that it's doable, even enjoyable, he'll get on board. And since he's already eating healthy, you are half way there! He may drop weight pretty easily from a diet change - I would say keep up with the healthy food. It can't all happen overnight. And isn't he technically working on his weight with the diet?

-Aimee

Nikaia
02-24-2007, 12:41 AM
It's illegal to drag your spouse behind the car to make them walk.

Um...well...can you drag them behind the car for....other reasons?:devil:

My SO has kind of the opposite problem, although it isn't a "problem" per se. He's super-skinny and always has been; he's either right at or just under six foot, and he weighs *maybe* 150 lbs, dripping wet. Maybe. Problem is, that means he doesn't have a lot of muscle either. He's been saying for all the years I've known him that he should start working out to get some muscle - and I must admit, I love him as he is, but he'd be HAWT if he fleshed out that lithe, wiry frame with some solid muscle (swoon) - but you know what finally did it, despite my attempts at being encouraging?

He got a new gun and it's heavy enough that he's having a hard time holding it at full extension! So now he's actually serious about needing more muscle so he can shoot his new toy. Boys and their toys...:dizzy:

Anyway. Coming back from the random tangent. You can't do anything to make him change if he's not ready. I think the other ladies' ideas of leading by example are the best way to go. Wishing you the best of luck!

LakeGirl
02-24-2007, 08:34 AM
And isn't he technically working on his weight with the diet?

-Aimee

Aimee, I know he is eating well and properly at dinnertime, but that's as much as I know. There is no cafeteria in his building, so I know they go out to lunch every single day, whether it be to bring it back or to eat out. I'm guessing his lunch choices are not good ones, but it's only a hunch.

meg on a mission
02-24-2007, 09:00 AM
You definitely can't nag him into changing his ways, but you might be able to help him take steps in that direction without confronting him directly. You have already changed the food he eats by bringing only healthy choices into your home, which is a big step!
In terms of exercise, maybe you can ask him to walk a few mornings or evenings each week with you. You don't have to nag him about exercising to lose weight, but just tell him that you would like to take walks to spend time as a couple away from the television and other distractions. I don't know if this is a possibility for you given your schedules or other factors, but if it is, it might be worth a shot. The little bit of activity will likely result in a weight loss for him, along with the healthy eating, and feeling better physcially may motivate him to make more dramatic lifestyle changes.
You said you are worried about his evening snacking. Maybe you could tell him that you are trying not to eat after a specific time, and you would appreciate if he could help you by not eating after that time too. Tell him that having food around is too tempting, and ask if he wouldn't mind stopping along with you. This way, you are asking him to help YOU succeed, but really, you are also helping him. Again, the resulting weight loss might be enough motivation for him to get more serious about losing weight.
I don't know if any of these suggestions are realistic for your situation, but those are some ideas off the top of my head. Good luck! :)

EZMONEY
02-24-2007, 10:25 AM
LAKEGIRL~Angie knows that nagging me just PMO! So she has learned to "lead" by example. We share cooking, she makes healthy choices for dinner most of the time and I don't complain. When I cook I try to do better but not always with my choices for dinner. Angie eats my dinners and usually likes them, she will just have more salad and less casserole stuff, etc. When she has a 5K coming up she wants to run or walk in she just says I think I'll do that one...I do some with her but not all. If I join her she's loves it, if I don't she doesn't complain. MAN do I feel guilty NOT GETTING CHEWED OUT! ;)

NIKAIA ~I was 6ft 150-55 pretty much between 15 to 35/40 then I put on a few pounds then between 45 and 50...I put on another 30! I know for me it wasn't easy being "skinny"... and people didn't make fun of me (to my face anyway) but I felt like a bean-pole (That I was ;) ) I didn't enjoy the beach scene and I have lived my entire life, from 6 years old, 5 miles from southern California beaches! He is going through a time when ALL the guys on TV, MTV etc are SWOLL! It can't be easy for him. It is hard to put on weight, especially in a healthy way when you are thin. I will say that my son is almost 6ft 4in, he weighs about 175, thin but he is very muscular for his size. He is a coach for track at the high school he teaches at, did sports in high school and college, so he is always in the gym. The friends he lifted with got very buffed, because they had some "meat" on them, he just got toned and much stronger. The difference between us at is that he is thin but looks good without a shirt on, when I was his age :lol: :rofl: :lol3: :rofl: :lol3: :lol: Got the picture? ;)

I remember when my brother and I were 14 and 16, there was a weightlifter/health food guy that worked for my dad. He brought over weights for us, worked with us every night for a few weeks, and taught us how to eat...back then raw egg shakes...MEAT!...etc...well, after about a month we had lost so much weight...from burning calories off..my mom made us stop! She was worried we would blow away ;) If we would have had a few more weeks the muscle would have started to show! Give him a chance :)

SmartButt
02-24-2007, 12:09 PM
Lakegirl - perhaps during normal "sit in front of TV times" you could tell him you want to take a walk, but are afraid of walking alone if it's dark outside, and would like him to join you for your own feeling of security. If it's difficult for him to walk long stretches, tell him you'll just go around the block, and do that.

We all know nagging doesn't work, but I've found that most men react very well to a woman's "damsel in distress" mode, and want to feel like the manly husband.

It might be something small, but perhaps it will work, and perhaps the two of you will get to go on longer and longer walks together, and he may just find he enjoys spending that time with you more than watching TV.

Nikaia
02-24-2007, 12:31 PM
I've found that most men react very well to a woman's "damsel in distress" mode, and want to feel like the manly husband.

Yep. Easiest/most likely way to get a man to do something, is ask for his help. If you're comfortable doing so, play up the "I need you!" part. Guys react to that, at least the ones I've known. My dad, for example. He always gets on my case if my grades aren't where he thinks they should be, but I can head him off at the pass if I just start out by saying, "Dad, I'm having a lot of trouble with this right now. Can you help me with it?" and then asking for advice or something. Totally reorients the way he looks at it. I can do that with my SO sometimes, too, but he's a lot more subtle (for a guy) and so I can't often get that past him.

So if you're careful, and keep the focus on him helping you rather than you trying to change him, you might be able to get him started, and as a couple people have said, often seeing the first pounds come off is really motivating to actually start *working* towards it.

SwimGirl
02-24-2007, 01:15 PM
Lakegirl - even one meal a day can make a difference, keep at it, it'll make a difference. See if you can get him into taking a multivitamin - I got my bf into this and he had to drink water with it, every tiny bit counts I think. Also, it gets him to eat breakfast, he thinks he can't take it on an empty stomach. Don't know if thats true or not - but I know I can't.

I like the walk idea - its funny how guys react to when we need their "help".

-Aimee