LoveDC: Being overweight has nothing to do with finding a QUALITY husband...if he has any substance to him and is husbandworthy or serious relationship worthy, he will be attracted to "you" and not just your physical appearance.
I have a highly dysfunctional family (we're talking Dr. Phil episode haha). I have always been the "skinny" girl until about 6 years ago when I put on some extra weight. It drives my mom nuts when I am dieting...I think the idea of me achieving my goals makes her feel bad about herself. She has always been extremely overweight. Whenever I am trying to "watch it" or lose a few...everytime I am around her she food pushes. I think people try to sabotage others weight loss efforts because they are scared you will achieve your goals. Kind of like "everyone wants you to do well...just not too well" mentality. She makes comments like "your back is really fat now...I would hate to have a shape like yours where I get big in the middle....I bet your back is the same size as mine". I weighed about 150 at the time...she was about 240 (yeah right).
I had a big falling out with my familiy a few years back (I won't even get into details about that mess on a forum) and it was hurtful for about 2 years...but by the 3rd year I actually felt a freedom because I wasn't wrapped up in the drama anymore. We reconciled...I'm back in the drama again, but sometimes I just step away from it. It is a fine line to keep in contact with family but also keep yourself intact. My hubby is very supportive...he keeps me sane.
You shouldn't have to feel horrible about yourself just because of who your share DNA with.
That is exactly right!
I dealt with my mother for years--until I became a mother. I dealt with the insults for years from the time I was a young child. I will not bother to go into the insults now--but they span from my physical appearance, to my morality, to my abilities as a mother and wife. She herself is morbidly obese and has been my entire life, suffers from untreated mental disorders, is an alcoholic, has never worked and has not even one friend to call if she wanted to.
When I saw the toxicity being directed towards my babies and to my husband (we had already been married almost a decade when we had children) I had to cut her off like gangreen. (sp?) It was definitely one of the most difficult decisions of my life. I have never, not even for a second, regretted that decision. It's been four years.
I guess the way I can best describe it is to say that four years ago I not only let go of my mother in a physical sense, I let go of the hope to ever have her. She was never there to begin with--only my hope to have a mother was.
Fortunately, I have cultivated a mother/daughter relationship with another wonderful woman in my life. I am so grateful God has brought her my way. I feel supported, loved, cared about. My children are too. I am experiencing thoughts and emotions as an adult I should have experienced decades ago.
I truly believe in "Honor your father and your mother." I do that, but from afar. I could not honor her in her presence.
This subject of sabotaging family members is very much on my mind as we head into the Easter weekend.
I'll be traveling back to the small town in Pennsylvania where nearly every member of my mother's family lives. They haven't seen me in about five years, since my grandmother's funeral, so my appearance is probably going to be cause for a lot of discussion & comments.
At the same time, even as they're talking about how fat I was, they're going to be serving up Polish ham, kielbasa, baked ziti, vegetables boiled limp & slick with butter, and I don't know what else. And they'll be annoyed if I eat very little. Yeah, it's the You're-So-Fat-BUT-Why-Won't-You-Eat-the-Cake-I-Baked paradox, in full swing.
I'm arming myself like a soldier going into battle. I've got all sorts of plans & affirmations & potential escape routes. I'm reminding myself of my mild liking for a few of these people, and my need to reconnect with that place, which I loved as a kid, and that I am going to put a lily or a hyacinth on my grandmother's grave. That's why I'm there. It's 24 hours. I'll get through it somehow.
Reading these responses makes me think we need a thread devoted solely to talking about mothers & their effects on our body image & our weight battles.
And they'll be annoyed if I eat very little. Yeah, it's the You're-So-Fat-BUT-Why-Won't-You-Eat-the-Cake-I-Baked paradox, in full swing.
SO TRUE!
What are everybody's plans if they are going to be around these hostile territories this weekend?
It's going to be a bit hard on me because I will be telling them that I am getting divorced after such a short marriage. But I could not go to Thanksgiving or Christmas because of my spouse. So hopefully people will be glad to see me.
But I also weigh about 40 pounds less than the last time they saw me, and I've never weighed this little.
My plan is to bring lots of fruit I LOVE (pineapple, kiwi, maybe blueberries), maybe a serving of walnuts and if I get tempted by the endless buffet of junk food to take a walk or bike ride. We're also limiting the hours of the celebration this year because of my grandmother's declining health.
My mum is a FEEDER!With the very best of intentions but sometimes It's just easier to take the food and bin it later instead of arguing the toss with her!Also whilst we're on the subject of hurtful comments does anyone ever say things that you thibnk may have hidden meanings, for example I hear a lot "You have such a pretty face"-I NEVER take this as a compliment because in my mind it means that they're saying my face is pretty cos the rest of me isn't whereas my sister gets told all of the time what an amazing figure she has!People can just be so thoughtless sometimes,I've also had to justify to myself that I will still be the same person whether I'm fat or think but I think a lot of people lump bigger women together and assume that we all have jolly personalities and we should be grateful if a man takes interest!Argh, it really gets to me that our lives don't seem to be as valid as thin people's just cos we're carrying a little bit of excess weight!
Anyways all you girls with mums like mine and other people trying to sabotage you're efforts, don't let them!It's ALL about us this time round and they'll just have to learn to deal with it!
It's ALL about us this time round and they'll just have to learn to deal with it!
Well said!
Athena (as a Classics major, I must say LOVE the name!)- Since I don't celebrate Easter (and all the roads and bridges are flooded) I'll be here, in my dorm room, writing a paper and reaffirming my goals and dreams. I just learned a serious lesson this week; ****ty health makes you a ridiculous hypochondriac. I hate feeling this way, so now it's either bad habits and bad feelings, or new habits and happiness. ^_^
But since I'm here, maybe I'll make some low-fat deviled eggs with less yolk and more chopped pickle (mmmm!). I'm glad not to be going home, actually, since my grandmother will push her horrible "healthy" food which is just chemicals and over-cooked vegetables. Bleh. Next week will be a challenge with my sister's wedding with all the food and the alcohol. Tiny plates, I hope.
Reading these responses makes me think we need a thread devoted solely to talking about mothers & their effects on our body image & our weight battles.
I agree! My mom isn't so much critical about weight because she kind of struggles with hers, too. But she was the kind of mom who would say things like, "What is WRONG with you!???" when you made a mistake. Forgiveness? Forget about it. She simply cannot let things go. I'm dreading Easter because when I was 15 or 16, there was an Easter when she drug us all out of bed early in the morning to get our Easter baskets and there was a very unflattering picture taken of me. I'm sure she had said something snarky so in the picture I'm in my robe, shooting her a dirty look. The subject of that picture comes up EVERY Easter, and everyone has to hear about the terrible picture of Windchime and how awful I looked in it.
Ugh. I have learned things from my mother, such as how NOT to be hypercritical and cruel to my kids. She and I have a good relationship now, but why can she not let go of the bad Easter picture? I may have to screw up my courage and tell her I don't want to hear that story again.
My Aunt B. is the main maternal figure in my life.
Aunt B. is a FEEDER. This woman planned for a week exactly what she'd feed my sister (who had undergone a gastric bypass months ago) when she came to visit.
For Christmas we all bought Aunt B. a George Foreman grill so that she could start grilling us chicken and steaks instead of frying chicken fingers and such.
So, she knows we're all trying to eat healthier. I went to dinner there the week before last week and she served grilled chicken. I told her how happy I was she was finally grilling the chicken. After dinner she casually mentioned that she had poured BUTTER AND GARLIC over the grilled chicken to give it more zest and flavor.
At this point I pictured myself strangling her.
She likes to mention that we are all fat... but when we want to do something about it she sabotages it.
I've always had problems with my mother telling me I need to lose weight. She'd love to nag me about it, ever since I was a child. I grew up with it, really. She'd grab my stomach and say, "What is this?" and keep telling me I need to lose weight. Sometimes she even grabbed my stomach in front of my friends. It was so humiliating. She even bribed me once, saying she'd give me 50 dollars if I'd lose 30 pounds. She'd chastise me for snacking, or eating too much. All I ever got was complaints from her, never any genuine help.
I remember when I studied abroad and accidentally lost 15 pounds (and thus wasn't trying to maintain it, since I didn't lose it intentionally, so I gained it all back) and my mom said she was so happy I was finally not so fat and dragged me to the store and made me buy new pants because I wasn't "as fat anymore" and started warning me how dissappointed she'd be in me if I gained it back. Forget that I had a 4.2 GPA and was taking lots of AP courses... all she ever seemed to care about is that I was 30 pounds overweight.
I'll tell you what though, maybe I could have tolerated it, except that she's overweight herself! That's what always drove me CRAZY. My dad isn't overweight but he's never once said a word to me about my weight. It's only my MOM, who is FAT herself, who thinks it's okay to nag on me about being fat. She's fatter than I ever was when I weighed 175, that's for sure. It's just so frustrating and hypocritical to have a fat person tell you you're fat and need to lose weight, it really is.
It's just so frustrating and hypocritical to have a fat person tell you you're fat and need to lose weight, it really is.
Agreed. My mom (I don't know her weight, but it's more than mine AND she's shorter by a few inches) has told me I was fat since I hit puberty, even though I was fairly thin then. I used to wear dresses to high school and she'd tell me my legs were too fat to wear dresses, so I stopped wearing dresses altogether.
I just finished college and moved back in until I can find a job and place to live, and I hear about my weight every friggin day. "You need to lose weight" or "Why don't you go for a walk or something instead of eating?" I hear the last every morning it seems, and not while I'm stuffing myself in the middle of the night, I mean I hear this when I am eating a healthy, reasonable breakfast in the morning. And you can't talk to her about it, she just gets mean.
I just don't get how people go around saying mean things about others like they do. I can't see how they could even think this is helpful in any way. Then after she makes fun of my weight all day, she asks why I didn't eat any of the lasagna or whatever. I don't even tell her when I exercise anymore, I sneak out to do it. OTherwise, she'll actually tell me it's not working or that I should be doing more, rather than being supportive.
Wow Amy... how horrible that your mother treats you that way. I am so sorry. How long will you have to live there?? Maybe try the suggested "why would you say something so mean/rude/hurtful to me?"... it's a very healthy response that shifts attention to their terrible behavior. Personally, I would probably just turn the tables and make the exact same comment or question right back at her e.g. "Why don't you set the example mom and go for a walk yourself if you are so concerned about the family's health?" Ha... but that is me and I have no problem with conflict or confrontation. (hugs)
These stories sound so familiar!I was bribed to lose weight, screamed at,humilated in front of neighbors,friends,family members.I was the only one in my family w/a weight problem. It was awful.Because not only did I get this treatment at home. You know how kids could be. I remember even being insulted by a teacher.In 7th grade,when I didn't know an answer,to something that I guess was easy. He said that is why you are fat,you don't think,and just keep eating. Well,of course the class roared w/laughter. I did not tell anyone at home,because I was afraid I would be in trouble.And, of course they would agree. {Sorry for the long post,it brought back so many memories}Anyway now I keep toxic people{including family members at a distance.}And i am doing so much better in all areas of my life.
Omg Tracy...reading that made me so angry!! Your teacher?? If I found out a teacher said that to my child (or any child for that matter) someone would have to hold me back....People can be so thoughtless and heartless. Sometimes distance is the only way with family...When I think about it, I'd really like to know what drives our "families" to behave this way. To say that I'm beyond baffled is an understatement.
I actually took the approach with my dad about emphasizing that his comments hurt, and it's actually strengthened our relationship. He's made comments about my lifestyle or my friends or my schoolwork or whatever, and if they're negative I say, "Dad, that was not funny and it was definitely not ok." He'll bluster and blow for a few hours, but then he'll apologize because he knows I'm right. For example, he used to get mad because once I hit puberty I didn't want to wear his humongous T-shirt and polos anymore and wanted to wear tighter girl clothes. By tighter, I meant going from a 3X in guys to a 2X in girls- not skin-tight vinyl. He wanted me to cover up, go out and buy the Fruit of the Loom shirts that come in a 3-pack (that's just an insult to my femininity) even though I live in T-shirt and jeans. My mother and I had to double-team and explain that the way girl clothes are cut are completely different than guy clothes, and that I do not want to be able to pitch a tent in my shirts! It's taken him a while, but he'd finally over it. Don't back down, in time they will learn and accept. You shouldn't have to feel horrible about yourself just because of who your share DNA with.
On the subject of sabotage, has anyone got a relative who wants to "help" but in the end you just feel like shooting yourself? My grandmother on my mom's side keeps trying to cook me low-fat food because it's good for "us". She is diabetic, I am not, so what is good for her is not good for me. She nags, latches onto the nearest family member like a leech, and drains us of all tolerance and happiness. She also cannot cook. Really, she can't. She made Splenda brownies and it was like biting into clay, it was dry and crumbly and I would have rather eaten Play-Doh.
Haha, this reminds me of my dad's best friend. My dad doesn't make negative comments about weight (except once years ago), but everytime his best friend comes to visit he just says these slightly offensive things about my weight (and my brothers or sisters if either of them are around). I think part of it is that he doesn't have any kids, so he doesn't really get it. Of course, he's a goofy friend of the family, so I just raise my eyebrows and laugh.
When my sister graduated from high school, she was a women's XL. For her graduation present, he got her a men's 3XL button down shirt. She and I just stared at it like, "What . . . the heck?!" It was hilarious.
My mother knows I am dieting, and I am determined to keep going... after being told in no uncertain times by my doctor I had to make a "major lifestyle change" or go on a statin drug.
This past week, she gave me 2 large dresses, one 54" around the hips, the other 82". The 82" is a "Dashiki" in a vibrant African-style print on cotton, and while striking, it's so large it looks like a tablecloth. My body was 47-41-54 when I started, so I could use the smaller dress, which is a pretty red color with bandana-style paisleys embroidered into it.
When I asked her why she was giving me these, she said she had bought them (off eBay I think) but never had occasion to wear them. These are recent purchases, so either my mom is shopping for stuff to hand off to me, or becoming a compulsive shopper. Maybe the latter
But... 82"!?
I also showed her some recent photographs I had of myself, and she said, "How did you do that? Your face is really wider than that!" (Um, the photos were not artificially slimmed down. Thanks Mom, ha!)
I love her, honestly I do. She is a very caring and generous woman. But I cannot WAIT until I get to be thin, and I don't have XXXL clothing given to me as charity, or be told that I am really wider than the camera sees :P
(hugs)
