Jen- That totally sucks that your husband can't get it together long enough to take care of your son while you work. A child has every right to feel sad when he knows his dad is angry. kids at this age are so emotional and are starting to learn empathy for the emotions of others and they are begining to understand when someone they care about is hurt. Instead of yelling and being stern your husband would get alot further with trying to make time with your son as fun as possible. Poor kid. I really feel for you as a mother and I really hope this get better.
As far as the freezing thing goes, we'll see if DH eats it. I did some stuff I know he likes like sloppy joes and tacos. I just have to heat up the meat. For em it's more the knowing what to have more than the cooking that is nice to have done ahead but the cooking helps.
Well DS is up super early so I need to get him some breakfast. I hope thinsg go better. I'll weigh in a ssoon as I remember
~misty
Morning Misty. Boy I am super tired but I don't want to go to bed because it is like a waste of a day sleeping. Still I"m not going to make it more than 5 more minutes if I don't get to bed.
I weighed in this morning. 229.6lbs. Ouch. Not really that much of a surprise and it might even be down tomorrow morning because of everything being thrown off with me being on nights. I had a look in the fridge this morning trying to find something to eat that would be on Oprah's bootcamp plan. I ended up having grapes and left over roast beef. Yeah I know that sounds really great but I wasn't in the frame of mind to have to cook anything or think too much. Okay I am babbling, I"m going to bed, see you later.
I weighed in this morning and I'm the same as yesterday. I got thinking about what am I going to do about this. Both me and the hubby need to lose weight. He gained a lot back. He'd lost a ton when he had his gallbladder problems but he's gained it all back. Well for myself I'm going to try having the protein supplement shakes for breakfast and lunch, veggies and fruits for snacks during the day and then a healthy dinner. Also I'm going back to having the evening cut off, I was snacking way too much in the evening. My husband, his big problem is that he is very fond of cookies and pastries, so I'm going to try and not buy as much of that stuff for him and also give him water to drink with his lunch instead of juice. I managed to get to the gym yesterday after I woke up and I'm planning on going every day this week. I feel a lot more enthused about trying to lose weight than I have in a long time.
Jen- I am so glad you are feeling motivated. Maybe it will rub off on me. I go strong a day maybe two then I fall back into old snacking habits. It's my daughetr's birthday so I know I will eat cake. UG! I am so unmotivated and I just don't care lol.
I need to get back on track. I hope it works for you.
ACK!!! I had a nice long reply typed in and then a finger strayed, hit some button and the whole thing was gone and I couldn't get it back. I hate it when that happens!
Anyway the gist of it was that you should go ahead and have a piece of cake, just have the one and leave it at that. Toss the rest of the cake out if there is any left after tomorrow.
I didn't get to the gym today but that's okay because I was tired and my arms were sore after doing some work outside. My eating has been so-so. My husband is home sick so I didn't have my protein shake at lunch but we just had soup and a sandwich so that wasn't too bad.
HI! I hope all is going well. I am totally going to whine and rant here so if you don't read it I totally understand. But I need to get it out somewhere and I have NOBODY here to talk to.
Well, I had the cake and then some. It's been bad. My dog got hit by a truck yesterday and we rushed him to the vet. Luckily it seems to be a just a broken leg, but I am sure an enormous vet bill will be coming. I'll gladly pay it as he is a super great little dog (a stray some one dumped on our farm that we tried and tried to give away, but somehow made it into my house). But after that whole fiasco (the vet is an hour away) it was late I was tired and crying and in no mood to cook, we ate out fast food.
Then this morning I had a "dicussion" with my husband, which I came off sounding like the spoiled ungreatful brat that I probably am and he came off as the working parent martyr.
I feel so closed in and controlled and it's probably just me I know, but I want to run away and not have to be here for just a couple days. I completley understand that I am beyond blessed that I can afford to stay home. It's tight, but we are making it and that means alot to me I am am greatful. But I never get a break, everywhere I go I have to drag two kids. If I want to exercise I have to get up at 5:30 am to walk, b/c I can't count on my husband watching them for an hour while they are awake. I can't go visit friends alone. Which I will admit my husband can't always either (but he has done this more than I have). In two years I have gone to my best friend's house ONCE alone. Until my son was born I had never been away from my daughter for more than 5 hours, for a total of about 11 hours in 16 months.
My husband chooses to live on his family's farm, he chooses to help on said farm. In my opinion his going out and "playing farmer" is his "going out with friends". He spends AT LEAST an hour everyday being a farmer or just standing around talking to his dad, it's often more than an hour. We can't go anywhere without checking in with his dad to make sure he's not needed on the farm. YES, he is working on the farm, I get that, but it's something he chooses to do. To him that's enjoyable work, like gardening or exercising. It's his hobby. And while he does his hobby he knows the kids are safe and taken care of and he doesn't have to ask to go he just goes. BUT if I want to enjoy one of my hobbies I must do it with two very young children (or four if I am doing MY job), and if I want to go enjoy my hobby with my friends I either have to take the kids or beg, plead, leave 800 instructions, recieve 1,500 when are you coming home phone calls and be monitored down to the minute as to when I will walk in the door. I'm not exaggerating too much here either. He called me 10 times the one day I left to go visit my friend, just to see when I was coming home, I was gone 8 or 9 hours (my friend lives two hours away).
I know that working mothers have all the responsibility I do AND then work ones too. I know I am lucky. But I am so sick of settleing. I live in a house that is falling down around me (litterally walls crumbling foundation on half is shifting, MAPLE SYRUP DRIPPED OUT OF THE CEILING AND INTO MY HAIR!!!!!!), waiting for almost 5 years now for my father in law to decide if we can buy it or if he will help us get money to fix it. My neighbors very nice little house may go on the market very soon and we can afford thier asking price and they will give us first option before they take it to realtor. But my husband won't even think about it, he wants THIS house. I live across the road from my in laws, in house where they can hear everything we say in the summer,a nd walk in WITHOUT KNOCKING at any time (my brother in laws walk in at 10 pm I can't even sit in my livingroom in my pjs) in house that for four years I haven't been able to work on b/c we didn't plan on staying here and why put money into a house we don't own? The neighbors house is aorund the corner and down the road like 1/4 mile, it's at the end of our pasture and I can still see the barn and walk to the farm in less than 3 minutes if I walk through the pasture.
I swear I am going to have a nerveous breakdown if I don't get out of here soon. I feel like I constantly have to repress who I really am. My husband will never make a decsion and then tells me the ones I make are wrong he would have done them differently. It's taken him 4 years to fix my front porch...I have 3 borads on my proch you can step on b/c the others aren't screwed down. ALL HE HAS TO DO IS SCREW THEM DOWN...FOUR YEARS! I feel like a kid who has to ask permission to buy something or has to ask for lunch money. He tells me I can only buy 4 frozen meals or something for lunches, b/c he wants to keep the grocery bill down, yet he eats out everyday for lunch. But that's my fault too b/c he can't get up early enough to get to work on time so I should have to pack his lunch for him, and since I don't then it's my fault he has to eat out. He never actually words it like that, but I've been with him for almost 10 years I know that's what he means.
And I know in the whole scheme of the world I have a great husband who comes home to me everynight and he's kind and would never lay a hand on us. I know there are people who have to deal with so much worse. But I also look around at like my best friend's husband who gutted and rebuilt an entire kitchen (he even made gorgeous cabinets) in about 2 months. And my husband won't even screw in 15 boards, and we won't even talk about the disaster that is my daughter's bedroom. I am tired of living a half finished life. I want my kids to grow up in a nice home. It doesn't have to fancy, it doesn't have to be emaculant, just nice, lived in and cozy. Well news flash they ARE grwoing up and that's not the kind of house we have.
I feel incredibley trapped b/c I have a degree in speech pathology. After 5 years of being certified you have to have a mater's degree to continue teaching. the 2003-2004 school year would have been my last. I don't have a master's degree. I can't afford to go back to school, and I didn't get good enough grades to get into a master's program at my alma matar (they graduate 97 in my major and take only 14 masterr's students). The closet college will cost be well over 50,000 for my master's. So I have a useless degree in which I can't get a job. I could be a teachers aide or a substitute. I could probably do data entry or some such thing. Nothing that I could support myself and two kids on. If somethinge ver happened to my husband I would be lost. I am sickened that I became so dependent on someone.
AND that someone can't even be counted on. He was put on two week unpaid leave form his last job b/c he couldn't get there on time. He changed jobs and he has been there on time I bet 15-25 times in 3 months. He works 12 minutes from home. He has to be there at 8 so he gets up at 7:40 (the alarm goes off at 6:15) takes a 30 minute shower, wanders around and looks for all the stuff he needs for work (secruity badge) that he left where ever spends 10-15 minutes on the couch with our other dog and leaves here at 8:15. But it's MY fault b/c 1) I didn't match up the socks in pairs so he had to find socks 2) I moved his stuff into a neat pile by the door and he didn't think to look there 3) I moved the towels b/c I folded and put them away and he had to go find one. Or any number of other stupid things.
I do ALL the house work. He would walk past 15 bags of trash on his way to the barn and not think twice about carrying them out. THEN scold me for doing it b/c they are so heavy I hurt my back. I asked him no less than 10 times to dump this nasty pot of stew he made and then never ate (that is 10 times in one morning not to mention the three weeks prior to that) and he said he forgot. I dumped the stew and washed the pot, which I told him when he made the stew that I wasn't going to wash. I hate that pot it's har dtow ash so I don't us eit, I specifically told him to use a different pot b/c I don't like to wssh that one and he said he'd wash it. This kindo fcrap is constant. It's petty but so damn annoying.
Whew. I am sorry. I really could go on, but I ran out of steam lol. I really needed to vent and get this out b/c I am so lonley and isolated here living away from my friends. They are only two hours away but it seems like a million miles. Plus my best freind can't stand my husband she thinks he's controlling and lazy. Maybe he is, maybe she thinks that b/c all I ever tell her is the bad stuff. So I have a hard time talking to her b/c she just hates him even more then. My sister tells me she doesn't know how I deal with it. I guess i just keep thinking: "well it could be worse"
I hope you have a nice day, and that things are getting better for you and your husband.
Misty, You sound as if you husband is a controller. You might want to spend a few minutes researching verbal abuse and controllers on the internet. Been there and done that, this is why it rings such a strong sound in my head. I hope for a better tomorrow for you and more understanding from your husband and his family.
Thanks Jen!! I sometimes think it seems like he is, then I think I just take bits and peices out of context and it sounds bad when I string them together. But I think taht about my childhood though and my sister calls it abusive and so did the couselors she talked to. I think if you take the picture as a whole it wasn't so bad and could have been worse, but if you take just the bad stuff and look at just that it looks bad. OS I don't know. I will take you advise and look it up, maybe it will giv eme some perspective one way or the other. THANK YOU!!!
I agree that he sounds controlling. He isn't controlling in the way that one would normally think ie telling you to do this or that, his method is passive agressive, where he doesn't do anything because he knows that you will end up doing it because you are a responsible person. In a lot of ways he sounds like my husband particularly what you were saying about not doing any housework, walking past a million full garbage bags, not doing anything around the house. Our deck was practically falling apart before it got torn down and replaced and that was done mostly because it wouldn't have been safe for our son to play on. Also I never get to visit with my friends or go anywhere without our son. It's okay for him to go out visiting his friends and naturally I am expected to look after our son but it doesn't work out the other way around. I'm lucky in that I live in the city and can take my son to daycare so I've got more time to myself but still I should be able to depend on him to look after our son once in awhile when I want to go out. I'd like to be able to go to the gym on the weekend once in awhile or sometimes even just out to a store without my son as it can be difficult lugging a 3 year old around. It's impossible if I just want to window shop as he is so impatient and doesn't want to just look at stuff. Anyway I can identify on many levels what you are talking about.
About being late for work...that is just completely unacceptable. He's a grown man for crying out loud not a child. What does he want you to boot his butt out of bed and be right there with his clothes to get dressed like you were his mom? Maybe that's what you need to do for a day or 2. Kick him out of bed at 6:30, get him into the shower, have his clothes laid out and his lunch made etc and then make him ashamed that he is treating you like his mom, not his wife. Also about the house, that is not good either. He has to maintain the house in a safe condition for the children as well as yourselves. I remember that you guys had a fire problem a few months back. How does he feel about the place burning down because it is not safe to live in? Is there anyone nearby that you could call to come and fix up the place? Like just call someone who is a handyman who would fix the porch for a few bucks. It doesn't sound like it needs much work and maybe you will shame him into doing some of this work. Or even call a contractor to come in and give an estimate on fixing whatever. I don't know. It's not right that you should live in a house that sounds like a mess, that you are not comfortable in and is a danger to you and your children.
I'm sorry to hear about your dog, is he doing better now?
Also I'm sorry that you feel your education is being totally wasted. Maybe when the kids are older and in school you may be able to find work in your field even if it isn't exactly what you went to school for.
I feel that a lot of time women so get the short end of the stick even now. Like we are still expected to get an education and have a career but when we have kids we almost have to make the choice to try and manage the career and the kids or give the career up. Then if we try to have both the career and the kids we feel guilty about not being stay at home moms. There is just no bloody winning in this game sometimes.
Hi Misty, hi ladies - I'm new here. I'm jumping on the Bootcamp Bandwagon. I've exercised consistently for years, but my eating is still horrible, so I'm hoping to find some help in this program.
I would've waited to post after the 12th week, when folks were starting over, but Misty, your post screamed out at me. My situation is similar, but I got to admit, yours is much worse.
How far away is your family? Your sister? You really need some support. And you SHOULD be disgusted. He should at least be making an EFFORT to provide a safe, comfortable home for his wife and kids. Why is it you'd be lost without him? You sound so lost already.
I know this is a little odd coming from a complete stranger, and I'm sorry if I've offended you at all.
I'm Tracy, a SAHM of DS, 20 mos, and DD, 4 years, in South Carolina. Nice to meet ya'll.
Well first I must apologize. I am so used to just Jen and I here I assumed the in response to my ranting was from Jen LOL. So thank you Banglee for your support and adivise. Thank you also to Jen and Tracy!
Welcome Tracy!!! In response to your questions my mom and dad live an hour away, but frankly they are nut jobs with a whole bag of issues of thier own. My best friend is two hours away and my sister to whom I am very close is in NC and I am in PA so she's like 11 hours away. in his mind he IS making an effort and I am just a huge witch who isn't happy with what I have.
I once said to him something to the effect that I feel like you think I am totally snob b/c this house isn't good enough for me, and he agreed he thought that. He thinks I want some fancy house, I just want to know that maple syrup won't drip out of light sockets into my hair, and that the wiring is safe and I wouldn't complain if I didn't have to look at mildew on the office plaster and the wall paper wasn't litterally hanging off the walls (and ceiling...who knows why there is wall paper on the ceiling lol).
This house sat empty for 5 years, being used as a hangout and dump hole for my father and brothers in law on the farm. My brother in law was into hydroponics (growing plants without soil) so he nailed foam board to the walls and ran a very hot heater in here, and the moisture coupled with the heat caused mildew to grow behind the foam. So now the walls of this office are covered in mildew. My other brotehr in law made a model farm down to the hay, sawdust and manure pit in the kitchen. I spent weeks and weeks scrubbing this place.
This was my husband's safe haven when his great grandmother lived here and I know that he holds memories, down to the faded and tearing wallpaper. But something has to give.
This is a super long post....sorry
Today has not been good for me. Well the whole week has been pretty rugged. Today I ate who knows how many Oreo's in a totally emotional binge. I left the house today out of sheer frustration. Friday I decided that since I can't fit anymore clothes in the kid's closet in my room, I would fix the closet in thier room myself. My husband has said on numerous occasions that it is a six foot closet. I had a 6 foot shelf, so I thought I'll just get some bracket and a closet rod and hang them up how hard is that? Well it's a 6 foot 3 1/2inch closet, so my board and my rod were 3 1/2 inches too short, too long I could have fixed, too short I was at a loss. I told my husband if he didn't fix that closet Friday night I was gonna get REALLY mad! Well he decided that he needed some parts and we should leave the kids with my brother in law while we went the hour to home depot to get the parts and the cupboards we ordered (we all could not fit in the pick up and we needed that for the cupboards) so at the last minute I was rushed out the door. We get to home depot at 8:35, they close at 9. So we stand around in the closet shelving aisle until they are all but kicking us out and he decides he has to go home and think about it. IT"S BEEN A YEAR SINCE HE STARTED THIS ROOM. NOW HE WANTS TO THINK ABOUT HOW HE IS DOING THE CLOSET? Ok SO no closet on Friday.
On Saturday we have to go get the dog from the vet. He had a broken leg but it should heal well. Then my mom calls and needs me to watch her 4 kids while she goes to the ER for a migraine, this is the second time she's gone in a week. So Dh goes back to home depot while I watch 6 kids. He comes back with some parts and we end up at my mom's ALL day. There is no food in thier house so we have to buy pizza for them for dinner. We get home late and now my husband and I both have screaming headaches. I'm thinking there is something wrong at my parent's house. SO no closet saturday. Totally not his fault though.
Then today he gets up with Ben and let's me sleep in until 8:30. I get up and work on cleaning the house. He took the trash out FINNALLY..litterally we were waist high and about 5 feet by 3 feet in boxes and bags mostly stuff from AJ's birthday stuff. So anyway he took care of that, then looked on the computer to see what he wanted to do with the closet, had breakfast, wandered around upstaiars, came back down had lunch, went out to the garage, Aj took her nap so he couldn't work on the closet b/c she's in there. He goes to his parents' house for like 40 minutes (supposedley to find some tools), at which time the kids are both up and I am soo annoyed I leave with the kids to go to the store. Somewhere in there he took the injured dog out a couple times and i know that takes a few minutes.
It is now 7:49 PM and the closet is not done. It's almost there, but not finished. All he truley had to do was hang one of those wire shelves and then attach the closet rod. He did add in dry wall to the side wall to cover up where he framed in the wall, but all he did there was screw it on. Total in actual time he's probably worked an hour.
This is just an example of how things get so out of hand. This is how EVERYTHING ends up. I just can't understand why he didn't just put in a solid hour and the job would have been done at 9 this morning and he could of had the whole day to do whatever. I feel like screaming and beating my head against the wall. He doesn't at all understand why I am angry and frutrated. I mean I have cleaned the house, done several loads of laundry (half of which can't be put away b/c I have no closet space), and taken care of two kids. Oh well I must admit he did lay my son down for his nap, which took like 20 minutes out of his day.
I don't think he's abusive, he really truley means well and has alot of ideas. He just has no concept of time, or organization. It's just soooooo frustrating. Jen, you are so right about the work thing. It's completley unnacceptable. I can't comprehend being late for work. I am a "get there 15 minutes early" person. I just don't understand. In the time it takes me to shower myself and two kids, pack a diaper bag and feed everyone breakfast he has taken a shower and I have brought his clothes to him b/c he's running out of time. I have tried treating him like a child and making chore charts for him and making lists and stuff but he just doesn't care. This carries ove rto things he like stoo, he wants his pilot's licnese and knows he has to study, but blames not having enough time and having to go to the barn and having to play with the kids for why he doesn't. Thursday I went and fed heiifers for him just so he wouldn't have that excuse.
He acted today like all I did all day was sit on my butt while he worked so hard. I don't know I often think I am crazy and he's perfectly normal and this happens to everyone. My neighbor's husband hunts all the time, so maybe it is normal. Maybe I just need to learn to do it all myself, but that makes me angry b/c why shold I have to do everything? But you know in your posts and talking to my neighbor, maybe it is normal and maybe I just blow stuff out of proportion.
Eitehr wya it's not helping me to eat everything insight b/c I am frutrated. I nee dto get it together. I have been saying this for weeks. But Tomarrow starts week 12 and I have done literaly nothing, so I need to focus on it this week.
Tracy don't worry about waiting until we start over, just join right in, we're not really sticking to a strict boot camp regemin. We're just here giving and lending support. AND THANK YOU ALL FOR THAT SUPPORT! I will try not to rant anymore. I know it must be a drag to read, I'm sure I will feel better tomarrow.
~misty
Misty, I don't think there is one thing wrong with your way of thinking. If your husband is okay with being late to work so much so that he was let go from a job then there is a problem. Also that thing with the pilot's license rings a bell, my husband is exactly the same, he want to do or be things that really are out of his grasp as he doesn't have the time or talent to do them. Also there is nothing wrong with wanting your house to be set up so that it is safe. It sounds like it should be torn down if you want my opinion. Maple syrup out of a light socket???? Hello, what is wrong with that picture? I honestly and truly do not think you are blowing things out of proportion and that your concerns are completely legitimite. I'm sorry and I hope it doesn't make you feel worse but your house sounds like a dump that should be condemned and torn down. To get it fixed up so that it is safe would cost more than what it would to rebuild from the ground up. Okay also let your husband know that MILDEW is extremely bad for your health. You can get the spores into your lungs and develop all kinds of breathing problems. Also if the house is that old I wouldn't be suprised if most of the wallpaper and paint have lead in them. Finally you might want to put it to him how would great grandma react if she saw what the place looks like now? I suppose he is seeing it through rose coloured glasses but she's probably rolling around in her grave at the state her house is in now.
In some ways there is not much you can do to change him like for example his attitude about work, seeing as you've done everything but clean and dress him as if he were a 2 year old. About the house though I'd just start doing stuff myself. I know you don't have much time but take it one room at a time. Start in one of the rooms that's got the mildew, rip down the wallpaper and clean the snot out of the walls with tons and tons of bleach. Now is the best time to do it while the weather starts warming up so you can have the windows open for ventilation. Maybe he will start taking an interest. I don't really have much else to offer because that has usually been what I've had to do is just do stuff myself. No it isn't the least bit fair, I agree with you but at this point you've got a couple of choices. Start doing the work yourself and hope he starts helping out once he sees you are serious about it or take the kids and get the heck out before the place falls down around you. I've done a lot of stuff around the house, not like major renos but most of painting and maintenance around the house is because of me. Also I've been the one to call service people to have things done. I finally got him to fix the kitchen sink after I had a plumber in to give me an estimate and it was like $400 and of course it would only take a few dollars and some time and elbow grease to do himself but he wouldn't get off his butt and do it until I told him I was going to get a plumber to do it.
So lastly NO you are not blowing things out of proportion or exagerating, you have a right to a nice, SAFE house and also to have a husband that RESPECTS you enough to do these things when you ask him. It's not like you are asking for a $30,000 bathroom with a jacuzzi, you just want a comfortable house you can be proud of having people over to visit. Maybe what your husband is doing is not abuse as most people would see it but it isn't being a loving, respectful husband or father either.
Thanks for the welcome, Misty, and I agree with Jen - start doing what you can yourself. And I know that's hard - I've been working on a bathroom upstairs for a month. I know you'll resent him for it, but you'll gain some confidence in your ability to take care of yourself, and have some satisfaction in things getting done.
I'm very lucky that I get a lot of support from my parents. My dad has helped fix things that DH never got around to, looks after my car when I visit - and my mom has helped me with house projects. Without them I would've gone nuts.
My DH has a hobby - stereo gear and record collecting. He has his own room for it (which should be a room for DS - right now he's still sleeping in our room), but it's spread to our dinng room and several of my kitchen cabinets. Whenever he needs time to himself her retreats in there and blasts the stereo - which is often, since he's an introvert. He does PLAY with the kids every day, but doesn't do the work - I do diapers, meals, baths and bedtime and cleanup. And then, when the kids are asleep, he wants me to coddle him and rub his feet. He really wants to be taken care of by a mommy-type, and that's not my idea of marriage. I wanted someone to enjoy life with. DH is a pessimist and a constant complainer and there are days I think if he DOES die of a heart attack at 45 like he predicts, that'll be....well...okay.
I love him but most of the time, can't stand living with him. So I've talked to my priest and I'm reading marriage books and praying. And I'm gonna work on getting this weight off, to take care of myself and my children.
Okay, maybe that was TMI, but I wanted you to know I share some of your frustration. I hope you have a better day today!
Tracy, Thanks again. I appeciate knowing that I am not the only one who picks up the slack and has a husband who is in need of a mommy. It makes me feel better knowing that I am not crazy. I understand your frutration and I truely hope things work out for the best for your family. It has to be overwhelming knowing he is enjoying himself and you are out there in the world taking care of everything.
I'm gonna go start week 12's thready now. Have a great day!
Oprah's Bootcamp week 11
