Last night, I drank a lot – 5 glasses of wine and then stopped by the store and got a container of sugar free frosting, a box of sugar free cake mix, a pound of nuts, a pound of chocolaty trail mix and five containers of artic freeze ice cream. I ate one half of a container of ice cream, calorie free chocolate sauce, half the container of frosting and half the container of cake mix, and a bunch of trail mix. I then stood in front of the sink and stuck a wooden spoon and my fist down my throat to throw up as much of the food as I could. I did okay but didn’t get all of it. I also ate a bunch of seafood and hummus last night.
A few times, I accidentally ate a potato or some starch and spit it out and put it on the floor near the wall next to the table. I have no idea if my colleagues saw me do this, I feel frustrated that I did this to myself. The slave driver in me is trying to make me feel like a jerk and feel worthless. I made a mistake and I don’t have to judge myself for it.
I know that I have to stop drinking because, when I drink the probability that I will do this increases.
Location: Anchorage AK in the summer, Lawrence KS and travel in the winter
Posts: 222
S/C/G: High 285+ 256/ticker/160ish
Height: 5'6"
Okay. First off welcome. I see that this is your first post. Reaching out is a first step. Other than to your psyche and spirit there is probably little harm done by this one binge. No need to feel worse about yourself than you already undoubtedly do.
Though it was 25 some years ago, I can recall doing very similar things (and worse) though there was very little low or no cal things out on the market back then. For a little while (about a year) I tried to purge in order to mitigate the damage I was doing, inflicting other damage no doubt.
You have an eating disorder to some extent. Something is triggering those binges. Is it alcohol? Certainly alcohol impairs judgement thresholds so cutting that out will help in the short term. I'd suggest counseling specific to binge eating and bulimia with group help if you can find it in your area.
There are others here like myself that are in recovery (it's been a number of years since my last real binge) and about 5 months (but began in earnest 2 years ago) since even overeating in the sense of using food like a drug or alcohol to assuage feelings, instead of what it is meant for, to nourish the body. This forum is great but I'd suggest that you will need some intervention of the professional kind.
I wish you the very best of luck having been down that road myself. Had I to do it over again I'd have taken medical leave and checked myself into one of those residency programs during that time of heavy bingeing. I was not in a position to at the time or at least that is what I thought. I did it the long and hard way, the toll on my body was heavy but I can tell you it can be done.
Admitting the problem is the very start of healing. Hugs.
Cathy
Last edited by vintagecat; 09-07-2013 at 05:59 PM.
I am really grateful for the response. I actually am in recovery for drug addiction and was in recovery for bulimia for eight years (I went to treatment for 4 months a while back). I am back in therapy but am looking for support and need a place to be honest about my behavior. I am looking to get back to a healthy relationship with food.
Location: Anchorage AK in the summer, Lawrence KS and travel in the winter
Posts: 222
S/C/G: High 285+ 256/ticker/160ish
Height: 5'6"
One day at a time then. I get the struggle.
I had to get at what was eating me first. Cognitive therapy two years ago has altered my relationship with food and slowly I've been able to leave it behind as a substance.
There are a few of us eating disorder folks here. It seems that there are some of us in recovery and several actively struggling with it. Keep being honest most of all with yourself. I'm pulling for you.
I can't claim to understand bulimia or drug addiction. I just wanted to stop by and say Welcome. I hope you can stop hurting yourself and that you find the support you need.
Last night, I drank a lot – 5 glasses of wine and then stopped by the store and got a container of sugar free frosting, a box of sugar free cake mix, a pound of nuts, a pound of chocolaty trail mix and five containers of artic freeze ice cream. I ate one half of a container of ice cream, calorie free chocolate sauce, half the container of frosting and half the container of cake mix, and a bunch of trail mix. I then stood in front of the sink and stuck a wooden spoon and my fist down my throat to throw up as much of the food as I could. I did okay but didn’t get all of it. I also ate a bunch of seafood and hummus last night.
A few times, I accidentally ate a potato or some starch and spit it out and put it on the floor near the wall next to the table. I have no idea if my colleagues saw me do this, I feel frustrated that I did this to myself. The slave driver in me is trying to make me feel like a jerk and feel worthless. I made a mistake and I don’t have to judge myself for it.
I know that I have to stop drinking because, when I drink the probability that I will do this increases.
It's a struggle.
I don't know much about bulimia but on addiction issues, I am learning.
Wondering...have you ever considered going low carb/low sugar/and no artificial sweeteners.
Things like aspartame are KNOWN to cause the same kind of reactions in the body as sugar spikes and can make you feel even more hungry. Sugar itself is one of the most highly addictive substances going. Addiction to alcohol often has addiction to sugar wrapped up in with it.
This is not about being a worthless, jerk who has no self control. It is about powerfully addicting substances that feed a hunger drive.
More sugar/more aspartame = more hunger. We are led to believe that by choosing so called 'sugar free artificially sweetened' we are making healthy choices when in fact we are being drawn into the use of substances that put our internal chemistry right out of whack.
Carbs convert to sugar so can have the same effects in our systems.
If this is resonating for you, I urge you to explore going low carb. There is a low carb section on 3FC. Jimmy Moore has an information filled website. Experts like Gary Taubes, Volek and Phinney (sp?) are another place to go.
I've gone low carb via the Ideal Protein Diet. It is one option in a range of many choices.
If one is really sugar addicted, the first week or so is tough. You go through what is known as 'carb flu' ...essentially a detox/withdrawal period from the addicting substances that are carbs and sugars.
Getting good levels of protein ( no beans because they are full of carbs) means high satiety or in other words very little hunger.
You are not a worthless jerk. You are struggling with addiction.
I hear you loud and clear. I used to weight control through binging and purging, then I met my husband and vowed to never purge in our home again. Unfortunately, I couldn't stop the binging and I got big. Then I dieted and got small, then went off diet and started binging again, and now I'm back dieting again and realizing that I will have to be careful with food forever.
Unfortunately, addictions are many headed dragons and you need a multi-pronged approach in order to succeed. But this is something you can do!
First, you need to figure out your triggers, and then find a diet that helps you avoid them. For me, high fiber and low fat does the trick, if I stay on plan, I never get too hungry and I never eat anything that will make me go overboard. If something on the diet causes a binge, I throw it away and don't buy it again.
I make sure there are no binging foods in the house. If my husband wants to have cookies, he keeps them locked up in his office. Nuts are allowed on my diet, but I will binge on them so I only buy small bags of pulverized nuts because they are harder to eat.
As far as therapy goes, I do Acceptance and Commitment therapy and it's great for people like us who hold ourselves to irrationally high standards. It pretty much boils down to finding the peace to say, "I did something I didn't want to do, and that's ok. I'm not going to beat myself up about it but I am going to recommit so I don't do it again."
One final word, a lot of processed food is designed to cause binge eating. I recommend books like "The End of Overeating" by David Kessler or "Salt Sugar Fat" by Michael Moss. I started buying them as audiobooks so I can listen to them in the car as I go to and from the store to remind me of the traps that lay in wait.
Hope that helps. Acknowledging the problem is the first step, but it's the hardest one! You can do this!
After reading these posts, I feel so grateful. Behaviors with food can be really shaming. I don't eat processed food but do use a lot of artificial sweetener...It has been really hard to give them up and I am really struggling with it. Thanks for reaching out. I will keep posting.
You will find alot of honest and DEAR people here at 3FC. Not everyone (myself included) can relate to your exact story, but trust me, there are some who FULLY relate, and they are here to support you; and so are the rest of us.
After reading these posts, I feel so grateful. Behaviors with food can be really shaming. I don't eat processed food but do use a lot of artificial sweetener...It has been really hard to give them up and I am really struggling with it. Thanks for reaching out. I will keep posting.
Stevia helped me kick artificial sweeteners. The kind I like best is made by NOW.
Some stevia brands have a bitter flavour so if you try one kind and don't like it, don't give up on it.
Stevia doesn't cause blood sugar spikes the way aspartame can.
Glad to hear you will keep posting. I have found a lot of quality help and support on 3fc! Sending love... Hang in there!
Ps I've been doing some reading about how to manage my inner sabatouer... Learning more about self destructive aspects everyone as to some degree inside one's personality.
Sorry to be late to reply. Just wanted to jump in and offer support and encouragement as well. I've run through the gamut of eating disorders (bulimia, ednos, bed, flirtations with anorexia) and went to treatment for 3 months last year. I'm on my path to recovery, and to get back to a healthy body/weight. I understand the struggle and the internal torture that the disease makes someone go through. Hang in there. Reach out. And be honest. You can do this.
Needing to be Honest
MrsKevin
