Honestly in your shoes I would pay fair market value for renting a room. (Look on Craigslist for ideas about how much rooms for rent go for in your area.)
There is no way in h*ll I would pay 50% of someone's mortgage just because we're dating unless my name was on the mortgage too!
Agreed. Especially if he made more than me. I would expect to be with someone that said, "hey, since I make a little more than you and the mortgage is my responsibility, let's come up with something that seems fair to both of us".
I mean, let's face it, if he rented a space in his place to a stranger, how much would he be charging them?
I think that unless he has an absurdly high mortgage and its much higher than the cost to rent the house, and you can afford it (i.e. its not out of your financial range) I think the set up is perfectly reasonable. If fair market rent on a house is MUCH lower than the mortgage - then I do think you are throwing your money away if he's not planning on marrying you sometime soon.
I think you have to answer for yourself if it's fair or not. I can tell you how I would feel about it but I don't know if that will help you. Personally it sounds like you have way more to lose in this relationship than he does. He's got his mortgaged covered, he's saved thousands of dollars from not buying an engagement ring, the house is all his should you break up because your name is not on it, and you're even chipping in for paint. It's a bum deal.
I'd never move in with someone if they didn't put a ring on it. I truly believe in the saying "why buy the cow if you get the milk for free." When you have a relationship there should be an expectation right up front on whether you want to get married or not. It sounds like you want to get married but are now giving up on wanting that. I've never seen an arrangement of living together in the hopes of proposal work out. Not saying it doesn't ever work, just saying that I've never seen it work in anyone I know in my own real world. I tell this to my girlfriends all the time, don't live with a guy if you don't know if he's looking for marriage and they argue 'no no I love him and we have to make it work" and then 7yrs later he dumps her and marries someone else within 3months. It's happened to numerous people I know.
Anyway back on topic - no I wouldn't pay rent to my boyfriend. It just makes things complicated. I would move out and be independent and see if the relationship has a future before I invest money in something I don't even own.
Well I think it is important to have common goals and I don't know your situation but if marriage was one of your goals, then that should be really worked out early in a relationship.
I don't necessarily see living with someone as a bad thing because I lived with my husband but I don't think either of us had an idea where the relationship was going. Marriage wasn't a goal of mine at the start though as I wasn't sure I ever wanted to get married.
You have multiple situations though:
1) Partner doesn't ever want to get married or marry you in particular - it doesn't matter if you moved in or not, relationship would be the same. If you move in or not, it doesn't matter. If you pressed the marriage issue, the relationship would end but if you 'settle', then relationship will continue.
2) Partner is not really interested in marriage but wants someone there for various reasons. It could be they want someone to take care of them, help pay rent, etc, etc. If you move in, partner is fine with that arrangement. If you don't move in the partner may consider marriage OR may think about finding someone else who doesn't want to get married.
3) Partner wants to get married, wants to find a lifelong partner. In this instance, it wouldn't matter if you move in or not because the partner has a goal of getting married. Now partner might settle for a little while if you are the one that doesn't want to get married but either way, the relationship would probably end if the partner feels strongly about it.
I really think 'why buy the milk' scenario really only applies to situation #2 above. Meaning, it isn't really a good reason to get married. "Get married or else they will leave". I definitely think it is important though to talk things out and if your goals aren't in sync with eachother then you have to decide where you want to go with that.
The answer isn't a right or wrong but rather it's dependent on the dynamic of your relationship and emotions.
My husband and I moved in very quickly after we started dating, maybe 6 months. It started off as just a month because I was in between apartments. I got another apartment after a month but it was just too far away and seemed silly so... we moved in together. Regarding rent, it wasn't ever a contractual agreement of 30/70, 50/50 or whatever. There were periods where I was going to school or unemployed but always looking for a job. I paid what I could when I could and he knew that. Later after we moved cities, there was a period where HE was unemployed and I was working and paid everything.
Basically, if the rigid structure is working for you great. But you may wish make sure you and your BF are on the same page not only about your future but how the arrangement would work if say you were unemployed or take a pay cut. Is he seeing this really as his house and you're a tenant or is there more flexibility?
Maybe 50% wouldn't seem so unfair if you determine it's below market value for a room/apartment and that you won't get kicked out (like in an apt) if your life situation changes.
Financial decisions are best made separately from emotional decisions. Please consider your financial stability no matter what situation you find yourself in w/r/t your relationship. And this goes for men too.
How much of your paycheck is left for savings after you pay your half? If you don't have enough for savings you may be putting yourself at risk.
If your relationship were to end tomorrow would you be able to afford to start over? Furniture? establishing utilities? electronics (cell phone, television)? Car repairs? I don't mean this in a bad way but he would have a roof over his head and possible furniture as well as utilities.
Would you be able to afford a living space in an area of town where you would like to live? Commute to work?
Would you like to own a home some day? Are your actions moving you closer to that goal?
______________
Now for the emotional:
Do you want to marry your boyfriend?
Is there a reason you don't want to bring up marriage?
Are you comfortable with a non-traditional arrangement?
Do you trust him to have your best interest at heart when making arrangements for the future?
Are you able to talk to him frankly about finances? If not, why not?
But I agree that it seems kind of sketchy that you're paying toward a mortgage but you're not an owner. It sounds more like he's your landlord, not a boyfriend. But I get that you want to contribute...maybe if he paid the mortgage and you paid the other bills? I don't know, it's a tough situation.
I think you should contribute but I do agree that you are paying too much. If you were renting, I'd say split it 50/50 for sure but paying towards his mortgage 50/50 is a different issue. You may never own even part of the house and that's a lot of money...assuming, of course, that the mortgage is high.
I would personally rather pay a set amount a month as if I were "renting". For example, I'm renting a townhouse with 2 other girls. I pay $365 a month plus 1/3 of the utilities. At the end of the whole ordeal, no single one of us will own any part of that house and that's fine. Now if roommate A were the owner and I was paying 1/3 of the mortgage...yeah, no.
My beau and I just had to work this out but from a very different direction. In our case, I am the homeowner and I paid off the mortgage years ago. So he was a bit surprised that I was planning on charging him rent when he asked if he could give his landlord notice.
But it came down to if I wasn't in love with him, I'd charge a room-mate rent. Grown ups don't get to live anywhere for free. Also in our case, I am good with money and he is a disaster. If I didn't charge him rent, that money would be spent. Not that I'm wishing us bad luck, but should the time come that I wanted him to move out, he would not have the funds to do it. I want to know we're together because we're in love, not because it's financially necessary.
Let's say renting a comparable house is $2500. If you are paying $1250 or less, then I don't see an issue, regardless of whose name the deed is in.
If the real issue is that you aren't creating equity and he is, then the solution is to buy your own place. If you aren't in a position to do that, then accept the situation as it is or take control of your own financial destiny.
Honestly in your shoes I would pay fair market value for renting a room. (Look on Craigslist for ideas about how much rooms for rent go for in your area.)
There is no way in h*ll I would pay 50% of someone's mortgage just because we're dating unless my name was on the mortgage too!.
+2 for Mozzy.
On Craigslist there's all sorts of ads where people are trying to rent out a room in their house. Use that to figure out a fair price in your area. Pay fair market value. no more. Like others have said, why should you pay more than a stranger especially since your sleeping with him.
