Dagmar, good for you for not eating your head off last night with all the stress you were under.
The advice that I receive most frequently when I'm at my wit's end from coping with genuinely difficult people in my life is that while I can't control those people when they go on their rampages, I can control my reaction to them.
Is that useful? Somewhat, though in my worst moods, I sometimes think that's just a way of pointing out a shortcoming of mine, in effect saying to me: "It's really your own fault when you get upset over other people's actions. You need to get over it & work on the serenity thing."
That is not what I am saying to you. What I am saying is, take extra care of yourself at these times. Be Dagmar's best friend and counsel. Do something nice just for her.
Oh, and there's another issue I've been meaning to take up with you. Will you Canadians please STOP sending arctic air to us, over the Great Lakes, which is what is creating this perpetual "lake effect" snow? It is clear outside today, at last, all sky-blue and gold -- but for four days, I felt like I was trapped inside a snow globe and someone was shaking it and upending it every hour or so. I felt so helpless in the face of the weather, which seemed to be controlling my days.
As the song goes, "Blame Canada."
(Yes, I know, I know, it's nothing personal, it's just movements of air currents. Still, I wish it would stop. Can someone turn off winter for another week or two?)
I went through my wallet yesterday and found some ancient gift cards.I figured I had better use them or lose them I had two from Barnes and Noble and didn't remember how much money I had left on them, I went online and ordered two books. Now I have one from Blockbuster , I have to see what I can do with that,in addition I got an Amazon gift card for Christmas, I think I will get a book for my Kindle, maybe two.
saef You're absolutely right in that we can only control our own reactions to others, not them. And when those others are people that automatically push our buttons (my "hackles" go up every time I enter a room with my dad in it) it can be extremely stressful. I at least can just not go over to my dad's house or answer his calls for a day or two. You don't have that option with your mother (although I suspect she's nowhere near the bonehead my dad is) and I'm sure there have been moments, since you moved back in with her, where you just want to scream/eat your head off.
When my dad starts to be verbally abusive to me I just walk away from his immediate vicinity and take several minutes to breathe. That helps.
The eating came last night, when I found out he'd left the hospital and that I had to figure out another solution to the situation. I still haven't figured out why my clients would have a big bowl of chocolate frosting in their fridge .
And the weather? We are having really WARM cloudy weather here. I kinda would like it to snow a bit and cover some of the retriever "snackies" on the beach.
Maybe a big fan at your end, to blow all that air back to Canada?
I'm in a mixed mood this morning, but I'm glad it's Friday! I also successfully controlled my snacking last night and am happy about that. Just need to keep doing it. I really need to drop all other "chores" this weekend and focus on learning my lines and blocking (movement around stage), which I know somewhat but I just have to keep going over. Besides working out/walking the dog, and prepping healthy meals, of course. It won't be very thrilling but it needs to be done. (The "mixed" mood is from an email in my work inbox this morning. It's a long story... but I'm irritated about it. )
Dagmar, saef has some good advice. As she said it's frustrating to think you need to change when they're in the wrong, but can still be helpful for you if you can "immunize" yourself from reacting. I'm not sure how I did it, but I "immunized" myself to a horrible coworker. I'm much happier at work and no longer go home crying to my BF every night. Of course it's much harder w a parent than coworker. I think it involved a lot of "it doesn't matter that he's being a jerk, I just need to do x,y,z to do my job well, and that's what important here". Also there is something freeing in accepting that another person is a jerk. That is how they are, it will not change, don't try to make them like you or please them. It would be nice to remove toxic people from your life but it's not always possible or practical. (I'm not trying to go off on a tangent or talk about me, rather just hoping maybe you could find something in my situation to help you deal with yours a little better.)
Anyway, hang in there with the situation. You have tried really hard to help your dad, and he doesn't want it. I don't think you can do much more, and it's not your fault. Saef is right, be kind to yourself. I think walking away when he gets abusive as you say is the best thing you can do for yourself.
Saef, I hope you get a little less winter soon. Hang in there, spring will come!
dagmar, have you looked in my refrigerator? I have chocolate frosting in mine, too. Last week I got distressing news from my son, I can't do anything about a decision he has made which I am sure will ruin his life. When I heard this I knew I needed comfort food and made a batch of cupcakes, that is where the frosting comes in. I didn't use all the frosting so put the remainder in the refrigerator.So you get an idea why I am starting out the New Year with a new challenge, don't eat because of someone else's decision.
From a Buddhist perspective--and this works for Christians and others as well-- the point isn't to control the other person's behavior OR to control one's reaction to it. It's to control one's actions. We do have a choice about what comes next.
As an example, yes, parents can push your buttons--because they installed them! But when you feel the anger rising, you simply notice that you are feeling angry or upset--you consciously let go of following through with the knee-jerk action that might come next, whether it's yelling, crying, going back to the car for a gun, or eating a dozen ______ (food of choice goes here).
From a Buddhist perspective--and this works for Christians and others as well-- the point isn't to control the other person's behavior OR to control one's reaction to it. It's to control one's actions. We do have a choice about what comes next.
As an example, yes, parents can push your buttons--because they installed them! But when you feel the anger rising, you simply notice that you are feeling angry or upset--you consciously let go of following through with the knee-jerk action that might come next, whether it's yelling, crying, going back to the car for a gun, or eating a dozen ______ (food of choice goes here).
Jay
That's next on my list - read the book on Buddhism I bought myself before Christmas. Although going to the car for the gun . . .
Sorry to hear about the problems with dads. My parents were with me for a whole week and were on their best behavior. My brother, sister and I each laid down the law of not talking about politics and it made every one happier.
Got through the holidays sticking to my no sugar no fat diet. Was amazed at the amount of cookies, cake, and ice cream my family consumed everyday. No wonder they were telling me I look too thin next to them.
Today it's 62 degrees in South Jersey so we took the front door off and finally painted it after hanging it 8 years ago unpainted.
I need to get back into my morning exercise routine. Haven't done it in several weeks.
Dagmar - I'm so sorry about you dad. Everyone has already given you good advice about controlling your reactions and not letting him push you and they are absolutely right. Let me also add that just because he is your father you don't have to take abusive behavior from him. I know he has been hard on you in the past, and you don't have to feel any guilt about walking away from the anger.
Bargoo - I'm sorry you are having a hard time with your son as well.
Megan - I hope you have had a restful weekend and your mood has improved.
Carolyn - great job making it through the holidays with no sugar!
It has been unseasonably warm here this week, too. Cold in the mornings but in the high 50s to mid 60s in the afternoon. It has been great for running, not so great for my head congestion.
I am finally back to my pre-surgery, pre-Thanksgiving weight and feeling fully recovered; yay. This is a great relief, as many people told me that surgery is a prime time for "permanent" regain. I was determined not to allow that.
Work is going to be pretty challenging for a while- I have a grant proposal to submit by Feb. 7th, I am looking to hire a research nurse and need to review CVs, set up interviews and figure out compatibility and training by March 1st, and two of my grad. students are at critical points in designing their experiments, which means lots of meetings and review of their work as well. This is all on top of my usual 3 days/week of patient care and teaching of med students and residents (and did I mention I have 3 boys at home?). So, if I'm not on 3FC as often as I'd like, you'll all know why.
Anyway, hope you all had satisfying weekends full of on-plan eating and fun activities.
. And I have no experience with this - never had kids.
the point isn't to control the other person's behavior OR to control one's reaction to it. It's to control one's actions. We do have a choice about what comes next.
