Wow well, I don't really know how to describe how I'm feeling right now...
It happened again. I wanted something to happen to me so bad, dreamed about it, thought about it, planned it out, wished for it to happen that it happened. But the timing is all wrong.
I've been trying to lose weight since I was 13 years old, which was 12 years ago. I spent 12 years of my life researching nutrition and exercise and body chemistry and reading labels and scrutinizing everything I eat, and even though it hasn't lead me to my goal yet (but I have lost altogether a bit over 50 pounds since I was 16) that I believe that I could probably become a really good teacher. For a while now, maybe about a year, I've been wanting to become a fitness trainer once I bring myself down to a healthy weight. I enjoy working with people and I'm finally enjoying exercise, and I think it's something I could do for a living and be happy and content. So my plan was, put myself through my weight loss journey while I'm at my current job of BILL COLLECTOR(ewww!), when I get down to 150 pounds I can sign up for the course and by the time I'm done I'm probably going to be at my healthy weight and I can start helping other people do it to.
But as we speak, I'm still technically "obese", and REALLY don't see myself in a fitness trainer's course. Can you imagine...? I can. :|
Well anyhow. I haven't lost the 25 pounds or so I need to lose to get to 150 pounds, but this morning I sure as **** lost my job.
I don't know what to do now. When I wished so hard for a good job with benefits and a good pay, I got it. Now I lost that job, because I've been wanting so bad to go back to school. It also means I lost my life/dental insurance,medication plan insurance, and also my gym membership (GGRRR!!!). I'm only got to sign up for RRSP this year (after 2 years of employment) so I'm going to be able to either transfer them into another account, or cash them out, and it's going to be about $500 I think. Great, at least it's going to pay January's rent.
I don't believe in "everything happens for a reason" but it's a trend I can't ignore. 3 years ago I was working at a small shop, wasn't making much money, long hours, long commute. I wanted something better, for months I wrote about it, thought about it. And finally, I got it, a job 15 minutes away from home, almost double the pay, full benefits, great environment. I bettered myself through this job, I learned a lot, I made good friends.
Now that I've been wanting, wishing, hoping, planning and dreaming this whole "going back to school to be a fitness trainer" thing, I lost my job... to give me some free time to go back to school, perhaps? I feel like I could better myself again over that time... But I'm scared to death and I'm not ready. I wanted to lose weight before I go to school! One of those courses starts in January, but I believe it's too late to sign up. Another one starts in May, which is the one I was aiming for. But now I may have the option to have unemployment insurance PAY for my course. I said "may" because I'm not sure. They have done it for many people I know. But my problem is, I'M WAY TOO FAT TO GO THROUGH A FITNESS TRAINING COURSE?!!? Look at me, seriously, I can't run a half mile.
I'm going to have to find a new job regardless, but if EI is willing to pay for my course or for part of it if I take it now, it would be stupid not to do it just because I'm not in good enough shape to be a trainer yet, no?
What should I do, what would you guys do if you were in my shoes?
I'm a confused and sad panda this morning
And REALLY REALLY REALLY TRYING TO NOT EAT MY WAY THROUGH THE DAY