oh gosh girl, that is tough. Growing up when I would complain about someone saying my nose was big...my dad would say "well it is". and It would hurt my feelings so much, because I never thought i was pretty. my mom would always tell me i was. Then i found out my dad secretly kept a picture of me on a beach that he bragged to his friends about. What a beautiful and smart daughter he had! little did I know.
Sometimes dad's are just not good with words. You never know who he might be bragging about you to.
Dads sometimes suck. Mine recently confessed he did not know my birthday. Whatever!!! I say the greatest thing about my childhood is that it is over.
On my 40th birthday, my dad happened to see me (not due to my birthday, for another reason), and I was wearing the heirloom silver-and-turquoise necklace my mom had given me, which was her mom's. My dad remarked on it being my mom's, and I said, "Yeah, she gave it to me for my birthday." He just kind of opened his mouth and looked startled--he had completely forgotten that it was my birthday. (And a rather important birthday, at that.) I think he managed to sputter out something like "Well, um, happy birthday!"
Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Thanks, dad.
I'm generally of the opinion that it is the parent's responsibility, primarily, to make the relationship with the child happen, even if they're an adult child. I'm far too busy making sure that I have a good relationship with MY kids to also bother attempting to make nice with my dad.
Wow, it really is interesting to hear what type of relationships you all have with your dad (parents, really) and how it's affected you and how you've dealt with it. I guess my problem is that I simply haven't dealt with it...I don't know how.
I kind of put my finger on what really bothered me about the whole Easter thing...it wasn't just that he didn't say anything, it was that he stood by listening to others complimenting me and didn't say anything. It seemed deliberate. For instance, if I'm at work and a coworker near me is commenting on another coworkers haircut, I wouldn't look at her and say nothing.
I have seen efforts on my dads part more over the past years, but I do strongly believe that these efforts are rooted in guilt and obligation, not genuine love or concern or interest. He'll call me a hundred times one day and when I call him back...we have a five minute conversation in which we both use the words "fine", "yeah" and "ok" about 20 times. It's very impersonal and it always has been. If my dad had to write down 10 things he knows about me...if he could come up with any they would be things like "has brown hair", "has a son", etc. He knows nothing about me. And it's worth mentioning...a lot of my dads closest friends and coworkers have no idea that he has two grown children. Why? Because he never talks about us. They only know about my sister. When I moved in with him during high school and people would find out who my dad was (small town), I always got the same confused response: "Oh...I didn't know Doug had any kids your age!"
Does anyone else just think one or both of their parents really doesn't love them? This is the concept I grapple with. I look at my son and I'm overwhelmed...I love him so much it hurts. And I know that I always will. And I want him to always tell me everything (I know he won't, but I'll always be ready to hear what he wants to share). My dad seemed burdened by me when I want to talk...it's such a chore being my father, I'm such a strain.
You're all right...I guess I could be wrong. I should talk to him...but how do you approach someone you've known your whole life without having one even remotely meaningful conversation with and tell them...all this?? I have written him letters...but I'm so emotional about it, they always sound so scattered and messy, like one big whine.
Thanks so much everyone....
Last edited by ThicknPretty; 05-12-2010 at 08:49 PM.
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I do think for your own good you should have a heart to heart with your dad. You can make assumptions on how he feels but you can't really know until you hear it from him. How awful would it be you thought your father felt a certain way about you for years and years and he didn't really? We can torment ourselves with our own assumptions.
I can't promise you that he is going to say what you want to hear or completely change his behavior, but at least you will have his own direct words and actions.
I come from a divorced family and I had my own issues with my father. I confronted him years ago as an adult with a multitude of thoughts, concerns, and feelings. From his responses I knew where he stood. I ended up ceasing contact with him, but it allowed me to give myself the closure I needed. For me THAT was a happy ending. Instead of forcing myself to maintain an unhealthy relationship it allowed me to give myself permission to let the relationship go.
We can't change the families we were born into or the past and present actions of others, the only thing we can control is our reactions and attitudes to them. Sending good and hopeful thoughts your way!
I'm sorry that your relationship with your dad came to an end like this, but glad you seem to have found some kind of peace.
well growing up my mom didn't like me. She loved me as a mother does, but she didn't like me or want to hang out with me. I spent alot of time trying to win her acceptance and approval and to let her know i loved her. She treated me wayyyy differently then her other 6 kids. Now, i am the one my mom can really talk to . We are alot alike. She is very stubborn and hard headed, and I am too...but i acknowlege that is just my mom. I love her for who she is.
Normally I would not post on a women’s forum, I feel it’s sort of taboo like no guys allowed. I was doing a search online for fitness blogs and somehow wound up here looking at your post. To put it bluntly it saddened me. I am a new father and my little girl is my whole life. She has completely changed everything in our lives (me and my wife). I cannot imagine her ever feeling the way that you do and if she did, it would kill me to think she could not come to me. I have no clue about your relationship with your father, but I do offer a bit of advice. Some guys just don’t show their emotions. Sometimes we just need a hit on the head, remember we don’t think like women. Maybe you could come out and talk to him. Tell him how you feel. I am sure he doesn’t even know how his attitude is affecting you. One other thing, you need to find happiness with yourself. You’ve have obviously come along way and that should give you joy. People cannot give you joy, you need to find it yourself. I wish you all the luck and congrats on your fitness success.
No daughter anywhere, anytime should feel like this!
A daughter should know...absolutely KNOW that her father loves her with all his heart at all times...no excuses!
It hurts me to hear you say he has to love you because he is a good christian....nothing could be further from the truth....that is not being a christian.
As a Christian we love because we were first LOVED by our Father...because He gave His Son for us, we can Know this LOVE....
When my son was born it was the greatest day of my life....until the day my daughter was born I have told them both this...my son has no problem with it...he knows how much I love him...he also knows how much I equally love his sister....
My son is 28 and my daughter is 26....both married...but they still have contact with me most days....sometimes just a text....but rare does a day go by that we don't share "I love you" with each other...very-very rare.
Your may never feel the love from your father that my kids feel from me...but I can guarantee you this....your children will feel it...as long as you continue to give it to them....
You have a Creator to show you how....PM me anytime and I will explain if you desire to know.
You can't get back what your father should have given you kiddo...but by sharing your love with your child...you will receive love...YOU WILL RECEIVE LOVE!
Ms. Thicknpretty, I will tell you that it hurts me to read your posts because I completely get it. I'm almost fifty and daddy issues are still there. My sister calls me almost every day upset about something he said or did (she's 45!). He's an old man now but most of my childhood he was critical, sarcastic or downright cruel. Other times, he adored us and showed it. Both sides are the "real" him and it is hard to reconcile. Do I think he loves me? Yes. Do I think he has hurt me, disapproved of my best efforts, ignored something important to me? Again, yes. And, yes, I never felt like my mom liked me. I seemed to be someone who challenged her role as the princess of my dad's kingdom. I didn't tell her how I felt about her before she died, 20 years ago. Although, I'm glad I didn't. She was suffering terribly and I don't even think she would have understood my pain. That I couldn't have dealt with!
But, I don't live in that pain today. I finally realized that no matter what I do it will never be "enough" for folks on my dad's side of the family. But, it's enough for me, my hubby, my boys, my sister. With my dad, I do still talk to him and I'm there for him even tho' our past was pretty awful. I've lowered my expectations of what he's ABLE to give - and sometimes it ain't much. If your dad doesn't have enough to give it IS NOT a reflection on whether or not you're lovable! I found love in my Father where I couldn't in my father - know what I mean?
I hear hope in your story because you love your son. You said you want to forgive your dad but you dont understand him because YOUR love as a mother is so great. This is actually a triumph on your part. Even though you didn't get what you needed you're able to love your boy! That love is real and it is your present and future.
Sorry my post was so long! Just want to give you support!
Normally I would not post on a women’s forum, I feel it’s sort of taboo like no guys allowed. I was doing a search online for fitness blogs and somehow wound up here looking at your post. To put it bluntly it saddened me. I am a new father and my little girl is my whole life. She has completely changed everything in our lives (me and my wife). I cannot imagine her ever feeling the way that you do and if she did, it would kill me to think she could not come to me. I have no clue about your relationship with your father, but I do offer a bit of advice. Some guys just don’t show their emotions. Sometimes we just need a hit on the head, remember we don’t think like women. Maybe you could come out and talk to him. Tell him how you feel. I am sure he doesn’t even know how his attitude is affecting you. One other thing, you need to find happiness with yourself. You’ve have obviously come along way and that should give you joy. People cannot give you joy, you need to find it yourself. I wish you all the luck and congrats on your fitness success.
She's a lucky little girl and it sounds like you're a great dad...please always remember to tell her she's beautiful and smart and funny...and listen whenever she has something to say. You will have the biggest influence in her life. And thank you for taking the time to respond to my post...nice to have a guy around here.
MissKoo...thank you as well. I am actually a little overwhelmed and surprised by my unnending devotion to my son. Neither of my parents were awesome and I was scared that I wouldn't be able to love him or show it appropriately or enough. I'm proud of myself as a mom and glad that I am able to give him what I never had.
Last edited by ThicknPretty; 05-15-2010 at 01:20 AM.
I tell her she is beautiful and I love her many many times a day, although shes to young to understand right now. She is the world to me and I hope she knows it when she gets older.
I have told them both this...my son has no problem with it...he knows how much I love him...he also knows how much I equally love his sister....
