A non-weight loss advice questions--adult situations
Hi guys, I look to you all for weight loss advice, I hope it is okay to ask your advice on this situation as well. I am freaking out and I need to talk to someone before I act in any way.
My little sister is the picture of innocence. She is cute and naïve, and she’s ever had a boyfriend. She is 18 yeas old and just started college. Last year, the son of the old couple who live next door to us came to live with his parents. He is 36, and was under house arrest in his parent’s house for 3 months for dunk driving, he also spent 2 months in jail for this when he broke probation and drank. He admitted to using cocaine and some other hard drugs but he has this hot body and my little sister just went gaga when she saw him last summer. She spent more time outside than ever in her life and attracted his attention.
So at first we all joked about it, because she’s so innocent, you can’t even imagine! Then he had her come over and help with the computer at his house and it got more frequent. He’s old enough to be her dad! Well the other day I called home and he was at our house with her alone. I freaked out and she got really mad.
Well I did something really really bad and today at school, I read her diary. I know it was wrong, but I have been so worried. Well in it she wrote about him for weeks, then finally this month, he kissed her. And then it got worse. They didn’t have sex, but he pressured her and finally it talks about how he laid on top her and came on her stomach. She said she felt helpless and violated. But after that, she talks about the next day where he kissed her more and how in love she is.
She ‘s lying about what is going on also expresses in the diary that she is scared. Do I talk to her about this? I am afraid it will make her hate me, but I feel panicked and afraid for her right now. She has very low self-esteem and this guy is just telling her all sorts of stuff. She’s like easy prey. I don’t even think I can tell my parents or they might have heart attacks!
Gosh I’m so worried for her, do you guys have any advice for me right now—I’m wigging out.
Dusty,
I think I would go to him and his parents and confront him and tell him if he doesn't stay out of her life, he will suffer the consequences.
Maybe sit down with her and talk to her about it and make a pro and con list of this guy. Maybe if she sees it in black and white, it will change her mind.
It's sorta bad because she is of age of consent, but he will just use her and then dump her and then she will have even lower self esteem because she will think she did something wrong.
I definitely wouldn't tell her you read her diary. She won't trust you at all after that, believe me I know this because this happened with my son and dil reading something I wrote and now we don't even talk.
There's just no good way to handle this. Someone is going to get hurt/upset.
Hope this helps
Debbie
I have a little sister, too. It is hard, b/c I want to protect her from everything, but I can't and I couldn't. Her 'first time' was not something I was able to protect her from. She was still in high school, and it was over before she even realized what was happening. (how romantic!)
I think Debbie54 has a great idea with the listing of pros and cons. I also agree whole-heartedly that you SHOULD NOT tell her you read her diary. It will not help her.
Also, you could try talking with her and taking her to planned parenthood. Talk to her about if she is planning on having sex, she needs to think about the consequenses - She will need to look into birth control and protection from STD's. (This may make her think twice about having sex - and you get to be the big sister who helps her out in case she does decide to have sex.)
Also, if you have experiences you could share with her, that may help. Ex. - many women can experience pain the first time they have sex, etc.
Too bad we can't smack our little sis's around and keep them in line!!!
You are right, I can never let her know what I did--which I swear was only out of concern and not a mean sister thing to do. I am just hoping to encourage her to tell me herself. If she knew I read it, she'd never talk to me again. Talking to him might be an option, but I'm scared of him too. He is big and scary and 12 years older than me...and her being the age of consent doesn't help either. I know she is physically old enough to do this, but mentally no. She still has all her barbies in her room and gets them out to look at them. She's so oblivious.
I wrote her a five page letter, and wrote out the pros and cons of it, and told her just how concerned I am. I hope it doens't ruin our relationship, we are so close and I love her so much.
SCraver--
yes, I'd like to smack her upside the head and tell her brain to start working. But I like your advice about talking about the dangers of sex and offering, with full intention of doing so, to get her the protection and the education she needs. I tihnk that might shock her back to an upright position, too. I can use my own experiences and detailed them in the letter a little in comparision so she knows I'm not talking out the side of my face.
Here's hoping she takes this well. Thanks so much guys.
Dusty, This guy is a real loser. Don't be afraid of him. You're both adults. Anything he did or tried to do to you would have severe consequences. And make your sister hate him. Anyway, if you too are close enough I bet you could get her to tell you. What he did and is doing is so disrespectful to her.
When my older kids were dating, I'd have them ask themselves, they didn't have to tell me, (and yes, they were 18 + for this talk) If they did have a child and that child had all and only the faults of the significant other, how would they handle that. It should at least one of my daughter's that there really wasn't much to love about the guy she was seeing. (thank god)
And I too agree, she should never know you read her diary. Can you too go out to a zoo and walk around talking or for a long ride in the car? My best talks with my kids and even my hubby are talks in the car.
Please keep us posted. Hugs,
It's a tough situation. To some extent this could have been me at 15, although I'm not sure I was ever innocent. Birth control and condoms are the first talk you should have. Think about it, a little further and this guy could be in your family's life forever. It's very hard to convince a girl/woman that they shouldn't see someone you either don't like, or are bad for them. I've seen friends date and marry idiots, and acquaintances refuse to leave abusers. I've seen others in what I like to call early-warning sign relationships. You just know it's going to end badly, but there just isn't anything you can do.
Ensuring she doesn't get pregnant (or worse) is probably the best help you can be. And if/when is does end badly, just be there to help pick up the pieces. Sadly she won't be innocent much longer. And at 18, there's no real way you can keep him away from her.
Well, if she truly felt "helpless and violated" it doesn't matter how old she is or what the age difference is--- no matter WHAT age they are, you can't pressure someone to do something sexual with you. It's against the law. It doesn't have to be straight intercourse, it can be anythign of a sexual manner. Im a probation officer and you wouldn't believe the number of AWFUL things that happen that started with seemingly innocent encounters. The very fact that he has a criminal history (and don't let anyone fool you- we don't violate someone's probation just cause they drink. They have to do it ALOT... or they get arrested for a different charge. Just b/c we catch you once doesn't necessarily mean we violate your probation... Odds are this guy isn't being totally upfront and honest!) At the very least if she feels violated, you can get an order or protection against him!
The very fact that he has this history and IS so much older is cause for concern. Regardless of his age, he's not the quality of person you want your sister around (nor should your parents). Secondly, he has crossed the line and not in a sanctioned way that was acceptable by your sister.
If you believe it--- if you really think there is cause for it- I'd bring it up to your folks. I know she'll be angry you read the diary... but it's for her SAFETY. And you have to violate her trust if it means keeping her safe. You can live with her "hating you forever!!!" if it keeps her safe. Could you live with yourself if she comes home one day and says he raped her and you could have done something to at least TRY to prevent it???? The "helpless and violated" part is the part I'm worried about. A lot of young victims are hurt and then go back to puppy love--- it's the awful part revolving around statuatory rape or targeting younger or more innocent victims....
The tough part is that b/c she is 18 years old, she's the one who has to contact the police and file a report. Are you sure this hasn't happened before she was 18? B/c there'd be even BIGGER trouble if that was the case.
Last edited by BrandNewJen; 03-10-2008 at 05:44 PM.
This is sure a tricky situation I think that talking with your parents is a good idea, as well as trying to talk with your sister. And then maybe you and your sister could talk and you could express your concerns -- and please don't forget about STDs and the hazards of drug use (I'd hate to see her let him get her using to "relax" her ). If possible, and you think his parents would care, your parents could approach his parents about their concerns. I would even think that you could let his probation officer know of your concerns -- that may be the only voice of reason to which he's willing (or able) to listen. Major suck -- I'm so sorry!
Well, if she truly felt "helpless and violated" it doesn't matter how old she is or what the age difference is--- no matter WHAT age they are, you can't pressure someone to do something sexual with you. It's against the law. It doesn't have to be straight intercourse, it can be anythign of a sexual manner. Im a probation officer and you wouldn't believe the number of AWFUL things that happen that started with seemingly innocent encounters. The very fact that he has a criminal history (and don't let anyone fool you- we don't violate someone's probation just cause they drink. They have to do it ALOT... or they get arrested for a different charge. Just b/c we catch you once doesn't necessarily mean we violate your probation... Odds are this guy isn't being totally upfront and honest!) At the very least if she feels violated, you can get an order or protection against him!
The very fact that he has this history and IS so much older is cause for concern. Regardless of his age, he's not the quality of person you want your sister around (nor should your parents). Secondly, he has crossed the line and not in a sanctioned way that was acceptable by your sister.
If you believe it--- if you really think there is cause for it- I'd bring it up to your folks. I know she'll be angry you read the diary... but it's for her SAFETY. And you have to violate her trust if it means keeping her safe. You can live with her "hating you forever!!!" if it keeps her safe. Could you live with yourself if she comes home one day and says he raped her and you could have done something to at least TRY to prevent it???? The "helpless and violated" part is the part I'm worried about. A lot of young victims are hurt and then go back to puppy love--- it's the awful part revolving around statuatory rape or targeting younger or more innocent victims....
The tough part is that b/c she is 18 years old, she's the one who has to contact the police and file a report. Are you sure this hasn't happened before she was 18? B/c there'd be even BIGGER trouble if that was the case.
Agreed. If she felt pressure and she was violated, you need to tell your parents. It's hard to see the abuse when you're apart of it. If she has to find out you read her diary, so be it. She may be very angry with you, and she might stay that way for a long time, but this is a safety concern. Involve your parents. This is not something you should have to deal with alone.
PLEASE DO NOT CONFRONT THIS MAN If you are afraid of him, it is for good reason. Please follow your gut and stay away from him. Reasonable adults can have a conversation. A man that violates your sister, uses drugs and breaks parole is NOT someone you should take on.
First of all, accept that there really isn't anything you can do about the relationship. She's an adult whether you feel like she's mature enough for sex or not. He was under house arrest. She's the one who was going to see him, not the other way around. If she was really scared of him or what he wanted to do then all she has to do is not go over to his house.
Yes, she's probably in over her head with this guy and if I were you then I think I'd tell her that. Also, treat her like an adult but scare the crap out of her with the fact that drug abusers are also frequently STD carriers and there's always the chance of Hep C. Use facts. Your sisterly concern about her well-being will be seen as interference and possibly jealousy if you push too hard with this.
This is a no-win situation but he hasn't done anything illegal and you're never going to convince an 18 year old who thinks she's in love that she's not. Push the birth control and be around for her when this all goes badly. Unfortunately, sometimes people have to make their own mistakes to learn from them.
Are you sure that that is all he is under house arrest for? The fact that he's spending so much time with an 18 year old sounds rather alarming. Any way you could have someone check his criminal record to make sure that's all he's under house arrest for?
Get her on birth control, if you can, or buy something that she can use on the spur of the moment, should it happen.
Remember- 18 year olds are still very fragile with their egos and think they know it all! I've seen confident, well adjusted young women defend and love bad boys. If parents interfere or prevent them from seeing them, guess what happens? That's right- they start SNEAKING around. The more you try to show her what a loser he is, the more she is going to defend his honor, no matter what you dig up from his past and no matter how bad the offenses are- she will try to convince you he's changed and regrets his past (she will truly be convinced of this herself, too).
My advice? Talk to her about birth control, help her get it in case she needs it, and just be there for her if she needs advice.
This is a tough situation. First of all, how gross that he is interested in such a young woman. Yes, she's legal....barely. I think she needs a straight-on conversation. If she sleeps with him, she is basicly sleeping with everyone he has ever slept with. Pregnancy might happen, yes, but what about chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, trich, HPV, herpes, HIV, hepatitis?? Does she really want to get one of these? Some have simple cures, some don't. I wish I could tell you how many patients I have had bawling in my exam rooms after a diagnosis of herpes. Ahhhh, the gift that keeps on giving. Yeah, you learn to live with it, but still....
A history of cocaine? I would harbor a strong suspicion of a history of IV drug use....and the bloodborne diseases that accompany it. Quite frankly, pregnancy is only one of many many things that could happen to her.
She needs to know. She may feel relieved to discuss it with you and you might help her find a way out. I think the suggestion of Planned Parenthood is a great one. She needs information....blunt accurate information. And she needs to stay away from him.
Save her from herself the best you can. She is lucky you care so much.
Okay guys, before I let you in on what happened, thank you to everyone for the advice. Your council helped me make my decisions.
I decided, upon reviewing the diary page again where this happened, that it was a very undesired sexual encounter. She didn’t want it, didn’t understand it and couldn’t possibly handle it on her own.
She also, the very next day, declared herself a slut, and a fool, and that she was upset with herself for getting angry at him. And that she loved him. So, as I watched him get in his $200 dollar car that can’t be started without a breathalyzer test and travel down to the woman’s house down the street he is openly sleeping with, I thought this was enough.
I told my mom when she got home, and showed her the diary. Then I convinced my mom that rather than gang up on her, I would talk to my sis, and let her know I read what she wrote out of concern and terror for her.
That is what I did. She was so angry at first she just stood there and didn’t look at me. But I said, I have to do this for you. We talked about all the diseases and risks she was facing, and about how she had officially joined the one in four college women who are ‘raped’ during their college careers. I told her what he was doing, and how, and why it wasn’t her fault.
Then I said she had to end it, and never see him again, and that she had to tell my mom. She said she wouldn’t tell her, and I said if she didn’t, I would have to.
She begged me not to, saying my mom would never look at her the same way again.
I agreed, little does she know my mom knows already. Now I have to talk to my mom about how she can’t know. I also told my sis if she spoke to him online or in person again I would have to tell my mom, for her safety. She seemed to accept the fact that it was over. She said she felt bad it went so far and got out of hand, and she thought she had control over her own situation but she didn’t.
She knows he is not to come in the house anymore. He is off house arrest and when he forced her down on the couch it was at our house.
So I am on monitor now, watching her carefully, and trying not to make it so she is home alone too often.
I’m not going to confront him. He is too dangerous, and if he felt backed into a corner with his record (of which I don’t even know what it really is) there is no telling what he will do.
So in short, she has promised to stay away, recognized the fact that this is unhealthy and wrong, and the fact that he is truly gross. She liked the list of pros and cons best, I think it really laid it out for her. I asked if she could add anymore pros, and she said no but added two cons.
I hope this works, and I hope we don’t have to take any further measures. Right now, I will have to see how my dad reacts to this. This guy still has the rake he borrowed from him.
Thanks again for your support. I never thought I’d see this kind of situation with my family. It’s been the worst day ever.
Well the worst one in a while at least!
Thanks guys, I really appreciate your time. Now what was that thing I was trying to do? Lose weight? I think maybe I haven’t eaten all day, so I guess that is good. Uhg!
A non-weight loss advice questions--adult situations
I think that talking with your parents is a good idea, as well as trying to talk with your sister. And then maybe you and your sister could talk and you could express your concerns -- and please don't forget about STDs and the hazards of drug use (I'd hate to see her let him get her using to "relax" her 
I'm so glad that you were able to talk to your sister! 