I don't know if this is anywhere near where you're located, but I'm sure that you could find some possibilities with a search, or through your local hospital, or your doctor.
So I'm wondering, do we have a right to feel this way, coming from where we came from?????
I am a big (BIG!) believer that everyone has the right to feel whatever they feel. Period! And I was actually one of the few really obese people I know/knew who was never bothered by the skinnier folks talking about their fat days...because they had a right to feel that just as much as I did. Feelings are feelings and everyone has the right to feel them...discouraged, too heavy, whatever. And I think its crummy when those feelings get disregarded (As I cried over the stupid dress, my mom pulled that card...the "how on earth are you crying when you USED to be GENUINELY big" card. It is irrelevant...at that moment, I felt too big just as much as I used to feel too big when I was 300 lbs).
Quote:
Sometimes I wonder why I bothered. I'm healthier, but my self-esteem is SHOT.
for you, Mindi. One of the hardest realizations for me was that losing weight wasn't going to make everything all better. It wasn't going to, in and of itself, improve my self esteem. It wasn't going to, in and of itself, make me like myself more. Sure, it may have influenced me to do those things, but it wasn't automatic. Maybe you're experiencing a bit of letdown, having expected weight loss to make existing self esteem issues go away, and now being at goal and realizing that they didn't?
The question I'd ask myself - do you feel WORSE now than you did at your high weight? Because if you feel the SAME self esteem wise, but you're smaller and healthier, I'd consider that a win, even if your self image hasn't changed a bit.
Everyone else - thank you for sharing your experiences. I feel so much better to know I'm not the only one who still has some major fat days.
When I was larger I never understood how "skinny" girls had "fat days". I understand now!
I get this now, too. Funny how some things don't change no matter what size you are.
I have been struggling a little with these feelings, too. I have been training for a triathlon (which is about 3.5 weeks away now), and in doing so have gained a bit of weight. A friend of mine mentioned at how I looked "solid" as he put it - which totally threw me for a loop. I know he meant it because of my strength training, but of course, all I could think about was that I was fat and back at 250 pounds.
My husband and I joke about that now, and he calls me solid, which has taken the sting away, but I am surprised at how my feelings can still be so raw about my fat past even after some time has passed.
I am a big (BIG!) believer that everyone has the right to feel whatever they feel. Period! And I was actually one of the few really obese people I know/knew who was never bothered by the skinnier folks talking about their fat days...because they had a right to feel that just as much as I did. Feelings are feelings and everyone has the right to feel them...discouraged, too heavy, whatever. And I think its crummy when those feelings get disregarded (As I cried over the stupid dress, my mom pulled that card...the "how on earth are you crying when you USED to be GENUINELY big" card. It is irrelevant...at that moment, I felt too big just as much as I used to feel too big when I was 300 lbs).
Wow, what a timely thread for me to pop back in and find. I quit smoking last November () but gained back (gasp) 5 lbs. My rational brain has a whole list of reasons I should accept the gain and move on - national average is 10 lb gain when quitting smoking, I'm actually more muscular than I was 5 lbs ago, even with a 5 lb regain I'm still healthier (not to mention better looking ) than I was as a 200 lb smoker, yada, yada, yada.
Irrational brain looks in the mirror and sees hippopotamus. I look in the mirror now and see a bigger person than I saw 20 lbs ago but don't feel I have any right to verbalize a complaint. I seem to have gotten busy and forgotten that 3FC is the place you can come and say you are having a "fat day" without someone thinking you are fishing for a "you're not (that) fat" compliment.
Thanks for reminding me...
Last edited by yoyonomoreinvegas; 06-17-2009 at 12:25 AM.
Amanda, yes, of course, I know we have a right to our feelings. But I do have a difficult time expressing them to any one "in real life". Make that to ZERO people in real life. I just won't do it. Here of course is another story as I know for sure you can all relate. At home that is just not the case. Thank G-d for 3FC.
People talk to me about my weight constantly. They are constantly policing and scrutinizing me. I don't know, maybe 5 years down the road this will change (one can only hope), but for now, people still see me as "fair game" and they just can't grasp what a huge transformation this was for me (& probably never will) and that it is STILL an ongoing process. They of course see me and think - she's "cured". We here still know that it's an on going battle. Which is kind of ironic, because every one I know of, struggles with their weight, why should I not be allowed that same "luxury"? Ha, that sounds funny to me - luxury. Actually, I think they would probably "get" the struggle part to a degree, but I don't think they would "get" the feeling "fat" at times part. I am the thinnest of all my closest friends with the exception of one and trust me, they don't want to hear it. I do know they would never "get" that one off meal, and not a crazy "off" meal at that, tacks on a good 5 lbs. And they definitely don't "get" just how vigilant and tight my eating/exercising has to be. How could they? It's not "normal". It's foreign to them.
Mindi, I see it as similar to Amanda. I knew and expected my weight loss would not leave me with a perfect body and would most likely still leave me "some" self esteem issues. I knew I would end up with excess skin. I guess I had come to terms with it long ago. I'm sorry you're struggling so with self esteem issues. Hopefully with time that will improve as you come to adjust and accept the new you. We're all just works in progress after all, each and every one of us. I hope you can at least take comfort in the fact that you definitely ARE a healthier person at your current weight than your former weight and that you were the one to make that happen.
I've never been really fat or really thin. I am a relatively short, muscular person. My height and weight are exactly in the average range for most north american women.
Put me next to pretty well any popular actress or model and I look like a bulldog. Put me in a dress with tiny straps and I look weird, compared to most unathletic women, because of my muscles.
Put me down at the beach with the other dogwalkers and I look fabulous!
I think I am normal. IMHO I look fine. Every one of us is different and comparing our bodies to those around us should just make us aware of that.
But I have my fat days too. But they pass. And you will never find me wearing pants with pleats in the front, even in a size 0. There are flattering clothes for my particular body and those that look just plain awful. My closet contains the flattering stuff.
In a very long winded way I'm saying that everyone here should be proud of what they've accomplished. Don't keep comparing yourselves to others. Be happy with your own body. That healthy, fit, relatively lean body is your creation.
Robin - I usually don't EXPRESS those feelings out loud to others. It's enough for me to know I have the right to feel them, you know? Any commisserating is done here, or with DW who went on the same journey I did. Even she doesn't understand it as much, though, because she's never going to understand the frustration of gaining as easily as we do (You're not the only one with 5lb meal gains), or with having trouble maintaining despite being super-strict and exercising (maintenance, for her, is limiting treats but not cutting them out, and exercising. She can have a cupcake and a cookie one day at work and her scale won't really move). But I usually DON'T talk about it...I just recognize that I DO have the right to feel it.
Dagmar - that's the other thing I'm worried about! The dress has teeny, tiny, dainty little straps, and I'm built like you are - a box of muscle! And the other girls are so dainty! But this:
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Originally Posted by mudpie
Be happy with your own body. That healthy, fit, relatively lean body is your creation
THAT I will keep repeating to myself as often as possible.
Yoyo - on quitting. You'll get back where you need to be soon weight-wise..but even without that, you made a tremendous choice for your health.
Robin - I usually don't EXPRESS those feelings out loud to others. It's enough for me to know I have the right to feel them, you know? Any commisserating is done here, or with DW who went on the same journey I did. Even she doesn't understand it as much, though, because she's never going to understand the frustration of gaining as easily as we do (You're not the only one with 5lb meal gains), or with having trouble maintaining despite being super-strict and exercising (maintenance, for her, is limiting treats but not cutting them out, and exercising. She can have a cupcake and a cookie one day at work and her scale won't really move). But I usually DON'T talk about it...I just recognize that I DO have the right to feel it.
Yes, I did/do understand about the not expressing to others part. It's going to have to be "good enough" to know that we have the right to feel "that way" without actually saying it out loud.
Oh yes, this is something that I still struggle with quite a lot... For me (like MindiV) I think it's mostly related to the fact that I have so much loose skin now, which makes it very difficult for me to see myself as a "thin" person. My body parts might technically be the same circumference as a woman who does look thin/normal to me, but because I can still pinch at the rolls of skin hanging off of my arms and thighs, *I* still feel fat and jiggly. Obviously I'm not the only one who has experienced this, and I am definitely hoping to incorporate more exercise and try to tone up what I can, but I also need to accept that there's only so much elasticity left in my poor skin... Another thing that continually makes me feel "bigger" is my height--because I'm relatively tall for a woman, I will always weigh more than my 5'4" friends, and there IS somewhat of a limit to how thin I can get... Unless I miraculously acquire a model's built, I'm never going to be as thin as my thinnest friends, because they are much shorter! I know this - I swear, I do! - and yet it's always kind of frustrating to know that no matter how hard I'm working, my "number" will always be above the national average. Does that make any sense?
I'd certainly like to think that I have slowly been developing a healthier (and more accurate) perception of my body, but I have also had quite a few experiences like yours, mandalinn82, where something suddenly triggered me to think OMG, I AM MASSIVE. Especially feeling like the "fattest girl in the room"; gosh, I hate that. One memory that particularly sticks out is when I was walking across my school campus and out of the corner of my eye I saw a guy who I had been completely obsessed with for several months--with his arm around this TINY 5'0" blonde creature. This is a guy who I had thought shared my feelings and had asked out with initial success, but whom had never called me... I think "crestfallen" is the best word to describe how it made me feel to see him with this girl. And honestly, it wasn't so much that he was interested in someone else, but that the someone else just had to be (what felt like) the polar OPPOSITE of me! I looked at her and couldn't help thinking, How could I have ever thought he'd be interested in a fat slob like me when he could have her?! I just felt like the huge ridiculous fat girl who had tried to force herself on a guy who clearly wasn't interested; like people would dismiss my feelings for him as a total joke and think "Who is she kidding??"
I hate that I let myself fall into that old role so easily. I'm still working on it! Someday I'm going to kick it for good!
Thanks for this thread. The discussion have been really helpful. Yes, I still have days when I look in the mirror and see a fat a**, in a size 6! Intellectually I know it's absurd but it's there. I still refuse to set-up in the front of yoga class because I don't want anyone behind me. And, yes, Mindi I totally get where you are coming from. I hate my naked body and prefer to change alone. We were at a hotel awhile back that had a full length mirror in the bathroom (who is the sadist who thought that was a good idea?!) I could see skin hanging in places I'd never noticed. It was really depressing for a few hours. Then I remind myself how much I love my new, fit body - my muscles, my energy, and all those clothes that fit every time I get dressed. I would absolutely travel this road to health again even knowing the outcome.
I'm still a work in progress. Having this place and all of you makes that a little easier
Oh yes. I can soooo relate. When I lost weight, I was initially somewhere between a size 4-6. I settled into the 6 and was there, with minimal effort (ok, maybe not, but looking back it seems that way), for 2 years. Then the creep began... I think I've just completed year 2 of the ongoing creep and am at my highest weight since losing. My 6's hang unworn in my closet, my 8's are really tight now. I know why I'm gaining weight - I'm eating too much, period. I just don't know where my self-control went.
I haven't had a "moment" exactly like you, Amanda or saef, but mentally I'm definitely in that fat place where I always feel fat, and always feel hopeless and like I'll never take off the weight again. In addition I feel like all my work was for naught, and I'm just going to keep regaining until I'm 205 again. As I said I'm eating too much - not like I'm doing everything I should and gaining weight, but I just feel so hopeless b/c I can't seem to stop.
I haven't been near a computer much this week, but after I posted this Monday I was in a bad place mentally (really a culmination of all the negative stuff I posted here). I felt like my post was so pathetic and whiny, I was beating myself up for even posting it. Well, I've been POP since then, so I sort of wanted to say thanks for prompting me to that point, everyone. I realized that I need to stop whining and just DO IT, or stop whining and accept it, but either way, stop whining and get on with life!
Good thoughts and conversation, everyone. As I've said so many times, I love love love 3FC because unlike IRL, I know I can come here and people will understand what I'm going through.
for you, Mindi. One of the hardest realizations for me was that losing weight wasn't going to make everything all better. It wasn't going to, in and of itself, improve my self esteem. It wasn't going to, in and of itself, make me like myself more. Sure, it may have influenced me to do those things, but it wasn't automatic. Maybe you're experiencing a bit of letdown, having expected weight loss to make existing self esteem issues go away, and now being at goal and realizing that they didn't?
) but gained back (gasp) 5 lbs. My rational brain has a whole list of reasons I should accept the gain and move on - national average is 10 lb gain when quitting smoking, I'm actually more muscular than I was 5 lbs ago, even with a 5 lb regain I'm still healthier (not to mention better looking 
) than I was as a 200 lb smoker, yada, yada, yada. 
I look in the mirror now and see a bigger person than I saw 20 lbs ago but don't feel I have any right to verbalize a complaint. I seem to have gotten busy and forgotten that 3FC is the place you can come and say you are having a "fat day" without someone thinking you are fishing for a "you're not (that) fat" compliment. 
on quitting. You'll get back where you need to be soon weight-wise..but even without that, you made a tremendous choice for your health.
Another thing that continually makes me feel "bigger" is my height--because I'm relatively tall for a woman, I will always weigh more than my 5'4" friends, and there IS somewhat of a limit to how thin I can get... Unless I miraculously acquire a model's built, I'm never going to be as thin as my thinnest friends, because they are much shorter! I know this - I swear, I do! - and yet it's always kind of frustrating to know that no matter how hard I'm working, my "number" will always be above the national average. 
Does that make any sense?
