seems like you were participating in the social contract of white lies and he wasn't. i find it hard to believe that you wouldn't change a single thing about the guy, given the power, even if he was great (obviously wasn't, though).
you asked. he answered you honestly. I think the answer hurt your feelings because its something you already feel insecure about and your fears felt validated by his comment.
heres the bottom line: his comment bothered you and you told him so.
kudos for being classy and letting him know how you felt. honest communication can be uncomfortable, and should always be undertaken with tact. it sounds like he didn't put enough effort into that. in the future, it may be easier to not ask questions you don't really want the answer to. ...but i think the information gleaned from the conversation told you something valuable about him.
he has the social grace of a drunken rhino. keep being awesome.
this is hard for me because I know that's what my husband would say about me. And I agree 100%. But the reasons are probably different (we want to have a baby before I'm 32 (I turn 30 in May)). I'd like him to be thinner too, for kid reasons too.
I think sometimes it can come with good intentions, but in this case, with my honest opinion, I think he biffed it and said it too soon. Guys can be pretty clueless sometimes, but, it's good you told him that it upset you.
And in all honesty, I agree with the other women here, I think you should just say peace out. He's not worth it if he brings up something that sensitive so soon.
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To me it sounds like he wanted to make that comment but didn't know how to bring it up, so he asked you what you would change about him first, knowing that you would probably ask the question back to him.
This is different than a husband making that comment to his wife, who maybe had gained weight since they married, or didn't lose the baby weight, etc. If you have only dated 3-4 times, this guy started dating you at this same weight, so why, if he was not attracted to you?
I'd like to hear a man's point of view on this.... Ian? What was this guy thinking? He was attracted to her enough to date her. Why make this comment?
This is different than a husband making that comment to his wife, who maybe had gained weight since they married, or didn't lose the baby weight, etc.
I completely agree. Or a wife making a comment to her husband about him gaining weight too (apparently some men gain sympathy weight during pregnancy). Or if it's coming from a place of love and honesty.
Wow what a jerk. I am glad you tossed him to the curb. Things like that are not helpful. I have always been insecure about my weight as well and comments like that have derailed me in the past. Good for you for not letting that happen to you.
Find someone who loves you as you are and celebrates your successes with you. You don't need someone like him to tear you down!
Wow. While I agree it was a douchey thing to say, I wonder if the reason he said it was because of this "love and honesty" (that doesn't magically appear because of a piece of paper, btw). If you were someone he really liked and he was concerned about your health, he may have been trying to put that across. Just because he said "thinner" didn't mean he was looking for a supermodel.
I think not pursuing the why in what he said was a mistake, but that's me. If you feel better having lost that extra 180 pounds (how's that for overnight weight loss! Ha!) then good for you!
Ugh, how RUDE. What a jerk. He deserved to be dumped! He probably thought he was being SO helpful by saying that. Idiot! Sorry he upset you, I would be very upset too. I had a similar conversation with my ex-boyfriend, but he wouldn't tell me what he would change and said it would upset me too much. I knew what he wanted to say, he always looked at pictures of "suicide girls" who for the most part were thin. Anyway, he was a dickwad too so he didn't last! My boyfriend of 5 years just wants me to be happy and started a relationship with me at 200 lbs, so it's the people who see past weight and look for happiness in a person that are worth the time!
Wow, while I applaud him for being honest, I feel like the way it came out was a bit too insensitive! If he can't take your feelings into consideration and just bluntly says things, the curb is definitely well deserved.
I can't say I've experienced something like this exactly, but I did ask my current bf questions regarding weight. I met him after losing 30 pounds and I was *almost* at high school weight again. I asked him casually if he would have taken interest in me had I been at my heaviest. He wasn't sure.
I mean okay, I don't blame him for the comment. We had been on a few dates. It was less than a month since knowing the guy, and I always want the honest answer. I guess I just wasn't prepared for it, because that still kinda stung! But now, a good 8 months since, he looks at ALL my photos and still finds me beautiful, regardless of the size.
I guess the point of this comment is that sometimes guys are honest for the right reasons, but we still take it the wrong way. But guys should still be able to read off the kinda vibes given when stating something...like that.
For me, it wasn't the guy's answer that I found offensive, nor his inability to "read" vibes. Rather what I found offensive was:
The fact that he brought up the subject (as illustrated by the fact that OP responded to the question first). Which in itself isn't so terrible except
His timing. He brought up the subject during/after intimacy. In Bed is not the time for difficult conversations. Nor is so early into a new relationship.
That he chose to accept her flattering (and so obviously a less than honest) answer without further probing before issuing his critique. If he was at all interested in HER answer, he would have at least pressed her to be more honest or realized that her non-answer was sign that she wasn't ready for unpleasant truths.
I'd be far less critical, if OP had been the first to ask the question and have it answered, or if her answer had been anything but "nothing at all." A guy doesn't have to be a genius or be able to "read vibes" in order to recognize that this wasn't the time, place, or way to bring up this subject if his concern was genuine.
It is (barely) possible that this guy had selfless intentions, but I think the timing and circumstances at the very least suggest otherwise.
My husband is as about as bluntly honest as they come (NEVER ask him a question that you're not willing to hear truthfully answered), and even he has the good sense (and sense of self-preservation) not to ask or answer potentially painful questions during/after intimacy.
My huband can come across as a Class-A, Alpha @$$hole, because he virtually always puts blunt and brutal honesty above just about everything else. So much so, that he is my litmus test of "jerkitude." If my husband would know/do better (and he would, in this case) then that in itself is pretty damning.
It takes a very special kind of insensitivity/stupidity, to think that post-intimacy, naked-in-bed-time, in a new relationship is the appropriate time for the "you're too fat" conversation.
Trust me girl, you don't need to find out WHY he said it. You already know the basic facts from the way he acted - hes an insensitive jerk. Like one of the other members here stated in an earlier post - if hes gonna say this now after a few dates, imagine what he would say a year or so down the track when he's super comfortable. You don't need guys like that in your life. Good on you for dumping that sad excuse for a guy.
One last thing - regarding the wasting your life comment: I have a friend who is severely obese. She is about 24 and at least 150 lbs over weight. In the past year I've watched her go on a trip to Europe for six weeks, a two week cruise around the South Pacific, Climb the Sydney Harbour Bridge walk, go diving with sharks, excel at university, meet many new friends, have an awesome social life, take various interstate holidays to winerys, beaches resorts, rainforest camping etc. So don't let anyone talk to you about "wasting" your life - the guy clearly knows nothing.
Good on you for standing up for yourself!
I remember when I was dating my now husband , in the early days of our dating he asked me that question and I rmr he was a bum back then so I said I wish "he was more successful" and he retaliated with a "I wish you were hotter" aka thinner/sexier bod. It hurt me so much that I rmr that moment clearly until today. You were nicer about it, at least I did want him to change something. Today, his career is on the top tier and I dont think Im hotter. HAHAHA. Workin on it. I totally understand it getting to you.. but he was being honest.. and you ARE on your journey on getting thinner so its okay.. youll get there.
Its a bit odd for me to go back and read all these! I feel that Ive moved on a lot since I stopped talking to him. He's tried to contact me a few times and said he "forgot" something at my house only to admit that he just wanted an excuse to see me. I just prefer people that are more socially aware and sensitive, so just a big red flag for me that he wasn't a great fit for me personally. Also I really identify with your post about your friend.. sounds a lot like what I enjoy doing! I've traveled around the world and am currently getting a masters degree. Thats the main thing that bothered me (besides his insensitivity) is that he said I was wasting my life. I don't believe that I am at all, I am not just my weight. He answered that what he meant was that "I am wasting my time being overweight because I could have better guys if I was thinner" lol. Not sure if he just was saying deprecating things because he felt bad or what. But who cares lol. Moving on! Losing weight seems to be one of the main struggles of my life, and it's not easy... but I'm not going to let anyone make me feel less than for being overweight. It is only one part of who I am.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Golda
Trust me girl, you don't need to find out WHY he said it. You already know the basic facts from the way he acted - hes an insensitive jerk. Like one of the other members here stated in an earlier post - if hes gonna say this now after a few dates, imagine what he would say a year or so down the track when he's super comfortable. You don't need guys like that in your life. Good on you for dumping that sad excuse for a guy.
One last thing - regarding the wasting your life comment: I have a friend who is severely obese. She is about 24 and at least 150 lbs over weight. In the past year I've watched her go on a trip to Europe for six weeks, a two week cruise around the South Pacific, Climb the Sydney Harbour Bridge walk, go diving with sharks, excel at university, meet many new friends, have an awesome social life, take various interstate holidays to winerys, beaches resorts, rainforest camping etc. So don't let anyone talk to you about "wasting" your life - the guy clearly knows nothing.
Good on you for standing up for yourself!
Last edited by shannylove; 02-02-2015 at 08:30 PM.
Wow! I can't add anything new to this message board except second, third, fourth, infinity everyone who said don't bother with this person.
I am so proud of you (even though I don't know you lol) for respecting yourself enough to recognize that such as philosophy has deeper implications that have nothing to do with how awesome you are.
I feel that Ive moved on a lot since I stopped talking to him. He's tried to contact me a few times and said he "forgot" something at my house only to admit that he just wanted an excuse to see me. I just prefer people that are more socially aware and sensitive, so just a big red flag for me that he wasn't a great fit for me personally. Also I really identify with your post about your friend.. sounds a lot like what I enjoy doing! I've traveled around the world and am currently getting a masters degree. Thats the main thing that bothered me (besides his insensitivity) is that he said I was wasting my life. I don't believe that I am at all, I am not just my weight. He answered that what he meant was that "I am wasting my time being overweight because I could have better guys if I was thinner" lol. 
Not sure if he just was saying deprecating things because he felt bad or what. But who cares lol. Moving on! Losing weight seems to be one of the main struggles of my life, and it's not easy... but I'm not going to let anyone make me feel less than for being overweight. It is only one part of who I am. 
