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Losing steam and motivation. :( Advice?

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Old 03-05-2014, 12:58 AM   #1
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Unhappy Losing steam and motivation. :( Advice?

Hi all! Just wanted to sort of vent my weight loss frustrations as of late and see if anyone has words of advice or is in the same boat.

I haven't even weighed myself in a couple weeks and have been kind of in a rough spot in my life lately. But I believe I am around 220. Give or take 5 lbs. the lowest I've gotten to is 219.4, but I've sort of stalled and my scale was jumping between 219-222 for the past month or so. I wouldn't be surprised if it's climbed back up a bit.
I know the reason why I haven't seen the scale budge has been because I have not been eating well lately. Whereas before I was SO motivated to keep on track and lose the weight, I find myself having zippo motivation anymore. I've come to the point where I feel like I'll always be fat and "ugly" because of it.
Despite losing 60 lbs, I feel like others still view me as fat.

The only thing I can really trace this loss of WL motivation is to this guy I met on a dating website. He seemed really great and we talked for awhile he seemed to be interested in me, but after meeting me he seemed to lose the interest. After asking him what gives, he told me he liked certain aspects of me but I wasn't as "hot" as he'd like me to be. I know I shouldn't let things like that affect me or get me down, but I feel like deep down it has.
I've never gotten much interest from guys, never have had a boyfriend or even had a guy ask me out. And just when I start feeling confident enough to put myself out there, WHAM. I get slapped in the face with a "guess what, you're still not 'hot' enough!"

It just kills me to think that losing 60lbs took me about 7-8 months, and I have to lose a good at the very least 40-50lbs more to see if THEN I'll fit into the "datable" category. And even then, at 180-170lbs I will still probably be considered "chubby".

I know there may be a few comments about this, but please know that I didn't start or choose to lose weight so I could date. I did it to feel healthier and more confident in myself, which I did initially. But this new aspect of my WL journey, just has put me in a rut. I just want to get motivated and back on track but can't seem to do so.
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Old 03-05-2014, 01:27 AM   #2
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Originally Posted by levoguette View Post
Hi all! Just wanted to sort of vent my weight loss frustrations as of late and see if anyone has words of advice or is in the same boat.

I haven't even weighed myself in a couple weeks and have been kind of in a rough spot in my life lately. But I believe I am around 220. Give or take 5 lbs. the lowest I've gotten to is 219.4, but I've sort of stalled and my scale was jumping between 219-222 for the past month or so. I wouldn't be surprised if it's climbed back up a bit.
I know the reason why I haven't seen the scale budge has been because I have not been eating well lately. Whereas before I was SO motivated to keep on track and lose the weight, I find myself having zippo motivation anymore. I've come to the point where I feel like I'll always be fat and "ugly" because of it.
Despite losing 60 lbs, I feel like others still view me as fat.

The only thing I can really trace this loss of WL motivation is to this guy I met on a dating website. He seemed really great and we talked for awhile he seemed to be interested in me, but after meeting me he seemed to lose the interest. After asking him what gives, he told me he liked certain aspects of me but I wasn't as "hot" as he'd like me to be. I know I shouldn't let things like that affect me or get me down, but I feel like deep down it has.
I've never gotten much interest from guys, never have had a boyfriend or even had a guy ask me out. And just when I start feeling confident enough to put myself out there, WHAM. I get slapped in the face with a "guess what, you're still not 'hot' enough!"

It just kills me to think that losing 60lbs took me about 7-8 months, and I have to lose a good at the very least 40-50lbs more to see if THEN I'll fit into the "datable" category. And even then, at 180-170lbs I will still probably be considered "chubby".

I know there may be a few comments about this, but please know that I didn't start or choose to lose weight so I could date. I did it to feel healthier and more confident in myself, which I did initially. But this new aspect of my WL journey, just has put me in a rut. I just want to get motivated and back on track but can't seem to do so.
Hi there.

I hope i can say something helpful so i'm going to throw a few thoughts at you in case one or more of them helps.
Ok so lets assume its the rejection that threw you off track. Certainly that's very easy to understand. Only up until quite recently rejection always threw me. Now i don't even care about being in a relationship or going on dates etc so its no longer an issue. However i'm 50 so that's ok. I know can't really be so blasť at your age. I remember not ever being the most hot girl so you know, i've had similar experiences to you. but with the wisdom of age and experience, i hope you may try to take this on board to spare yourself.

Ok its normal and fine to want a boyfriend. And its normal and fine to be hurt when someone rejects you. But the thing is, try to match the feeling of your rejection to how important that particular guy was. Given you really didn't know him, you must try to let the hurt and rejection go asap. He could have been an arsehole. You might not actually be missing out on anything by him not wanting to go out more with you. You possibly could be counting yourself lucky that he rejected you. If you can stand back a little bit from your feelings and consider these more objective possible factors, you might see that he's not worth get so upset about. And its possible that a great many guys are not worth your getting upset about either.

There will be someone for you.

Its true that people are generally more attracted to more attractive people. But if you look around you, you will see that plenty of unattractive or overweight people have partners. Whether or not they were slim when they found their match, we can't know but i do know that a lot of people hook up when they are not in prime condition. The funny thing with me is when i've been at my skinniest, i never met anyone and meanwhile some guy would turn up just as i was not in my peak condition. So somehow, they see us differently from the way we see ourselves.

So its not worth putting too much focus on aspects of our appearance that are either with us for life, or pretty much part of who we are most of the time, when it comes to how to catch a guy.

By all means, make the best of what you've got. And lose weight if you can. But when it comes to getting a good guy, keep working on the inner you. And be picky about the guys too. Don't just fall in love with the first person who shows an interest. Reject them if they turn out to be awful or hopeless.

So now you need to pick up your mood so you can get back to life and your weightloss. Make up your mood your main focus. When thoughts of that guy and the hurt you feel about it, start to come into your mind, push it out of your mind. don't get into a habit of dwelling on the negativity that goes with all that. I know its possible to do this but if you've been doing it a lot already, it might take a bit of effort to stop this habit of thinking. Just keep pushing the thoughts out when they come up. What this does is give your mind time to heal. Later on when the worst of your mood has resolved, thoughts of the guy will come back and there will be a pang in the heart but it won't be so bad as to ruin your mood and motivation. So work diligently to keep those thoughts about him and his rejection and your negative self thoughts away. Yes, any thoughts about your own appearance in a negative away, you must push them away too. Don't dwell on these things because they become habits and are poisonous to our mood. It is a type of suppression but its ok. Its not like you are pretending that you are not hurt or that you don't wish you weren't thinner or whatever but its about not feeding the sadness. To get over it, you must try to cut off the food line.

Sometimes our mood picks up faster if something else fortuitous and good happens to us. It makes it easier to let go of sad and painful things when this happens. So keep putting yourself in the path of possibility and avoid things where your chances of more hurt are likely.

Personally i think dating sites might work better for more attractive people. That's my feeling. I don't know if its correct or not. I think you might be better off waiting to meet a real person directly so find activities where you may meet more people. Try not to focus too much on the people you meet as potential mates. It can make you come across as desperate. Rather try to focus on making friends and enjoying the activities. BE about enjoying life, enjoying people and learning stuff and doing stuff. All this will make you more attractive as well as happier. This will draw people to you.

Not very long ago some one was attracted to me. I liked him at first but luckily i had some time to get to know him before taking it anywhere while i knew he was open to me. I am glad my emotions didn't blind me because the more i got to know him the more i realised how incompatible we were. It wasn't that he wasn't a nice guy and he had few things going for him but there were things that would drive me up the wall so i could turn him down and feel ok about it because now for me, i'm ok with being single. And in rejecting him, i didn't find it necessary to insult him. I don't think i made him feel rejected though he might not have understood why i didn't get interested.

Anyway what else can i say that might be of use. About the diet, until you stabilise your mood, why not just try to eat maintenance calories spaced in say three meals a day and only eat snacks if you find yourself hungry between meals. At least this way you might avoid getting hungry. And it might be easier. So figure out how your maintenance calories, plan some meals for the day ahead to match that, nothing too difficult or extravagant. Just food you like that will fill you up and which is healthy.

Then when your mood settles down and you recover some motivation, start reducing your calories again. Take it slowly. Look after yourself. Be kind to yourself. Learn to self nurture through positive self talk. Don't give up.
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Old 03-08-2014, 10:15 PM   #3
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Your post really hit home for me, to be honest. Years ago, when I was 19, I embarked on a journey to lose weight - I lost 93 pounds. Before I had lost weight my self esteem was at 0 - I didn't care about myself, and had never dated/been flirted with/whatever. So when I lost the weight, I kind of assumed things would start looking up. Well...

They didn't.

See, my self esteem was still low at 213, just as much as at 304. So I gained back every pound to the t, and here I am today, starting over.

Your struggles with not feeling good enough don't just stem from your weight, is my point. So PLEASE don't do what I did. Don't give up. Don't let the pounds creep back on - don't hide behind that, because trust me when I say it ONLY makes things worse. Really, it does.

Keep going. I've learned that no matter how anxious I feel, how disappointed in myself I am, how frustrated I am with others, I have to keep DOING. Make that word important in your vocab, actually. Remember - keep DOING. In spite of everything, make sure you are DOING something to help yourself, even if it feels impossible. DO walk for 15 minutes instead of compare yourself to other girls on Facebook. DO eat a healthy meal instead of nothing at all. DO wear an outfit you like instead of hiding because you feel it simply isn't worth. KEEP DOING. Constantly work towards improving yourself, and with time, you'll find your confidence again. You'll still have days where you stumble, but if you keep doing something good for yourself, you will never succumb to that feeling of not being good enough.

And you are, by the way. You are absolutely good enough, and don't let a number or a person or anything else tell you otherwise.
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Old 03-09-2014, 12:54 AM   #4
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The Limineers sing a song that I can't even remember the name of. The song itself isn't my favorite or really mean anything to me, but this one part hit home with me. They say "And where she stood, she stood tall."
We have to remember that even though we are all working towards our own personal weight loss goals, we need to be proud of where we are right now.

Don't let one person make you feel like you're not worthy, because you are. To the right person, you will be perfect. If a guy will let you go just because you're not "hot enough" then he doesn't deserve to be with you or anyone else for that matter.

"Every morning you have two choices: Continue to sleep with your dreams or wake up and chase them."

Work hard every day. On your physical AND mental health. Be confident in who you are right now and know that you deserve more.
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Old 03-09-2014, 04:33 AM   #5
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Great advice Hamaco. Keep doing. Its so true.

And if doing is really difficult, do a little doing at least.
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Old 03-09-2014, 05:49 AM   #6
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Ummm who cares what some loser guy thinks of you? Mate, you dont have to 'hot' for anyone! And who made him the judge of what is 'hot' and what isnt? He sounds like a bit of a germ! You mentioned in your post, the reasons why you started losing weight; in your words 'not to be more dateable, but to be healthier and confident'. You dont have to do this for anyone but you. You, however much you weigh, are dateable, and should have confidence in yourself; you are a smart, caring and you have lost so much weight! You should be really proud of yourself! Seek approval from no one else but yourself. If he doesnt/didnt appreciate you as you are, he doesnt deserve you. Never allow yourself to be made feel inferior by anyone! Especially not some loser guy! Girl power! Not all men are cruel like that, there are some truly amazing men in the world, I would know, coz I found one, and he loves allllll 240 pounds of me! Recognise this as a minor setback, learn your lesson and get back on that horse tomorrow my friend!
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Old 03-09-2014, 06:10 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by levoguette View Post
I know there may be a few comments about this, but please know that I didn't start or choose to lose weight so I could date. I did it to feel healthier and more confident in myself, which I did initially. But this new aspect of my WL journey, just has put me in a rut. I just want to get motivated and back on track but can't seem to do so.
First of all,

That must have been crushing. I'm so sorry that happened to you.

I agree with Pattience that seeking activities that you enjoy or have some interest in would be a good investment in yourself and as an added benefit, it's a good way to run across compatible guys and get to know them first without any expectations. Maybe there's a CC or Community Ed class that interests you? But that's a little longer term. What can you do to get get your mindset back on track now...

People may dump on me for suggesting negativity, but I say do what works (and only you can judge if this will work for you). The next six months are going to pass whether you work on improving your health or not. Six months from now, wouldn't it be nice to be able to be able to send this guy a pic of yourself at goal? And think about what you might say if he then showed interest in getting back together (whether you would actually do that or not).

Motivations like that won't last forever; you do need to get back to losing weight for yourself. But right now, he has deflated your mojo so I don't think it's a bad short-term strategy to use to pump yourself back up. Once you are back on track, you can focus more on feeling better for yourself.

I wish you luck in getting back in the swing and reaching goal!
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Old 03-09-2014, 05:25 PM   #8
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Once upon a time, when I began my weight loss journey I relied solely on motivation. When I was losing weight each week, that was motivating. But suddenly, as I began to plateau and I wasn't losing anymore weight, my motivation went. I wanted to give up. I wanted to stop working out, because there was nothing motivating me.

But I kept going. Why? Because I was determined to see the number on the scale drop.

Don't rely on motivation to keep you going. Motivation comes and goes, but you know what stays? Determination and dedication. Be determined to continue your weight loss journey for yourself, and be dedicated to working out and eating right.

Good luck!
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Old 03-16-2014, 12:20 AM   #9
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Aww, Im so sorry, it sounds like you need a hug! I was in the same situation about a year ago! I was 223 pounds, one more pound than you and i was fat, unhealthy, and seriously depressed. Then i saw a doctor and he said that 'I need to lose weight' because i was carrying around too much around my midsection. So then i decided to give it a try, on a whim, by bicycling for at least two hours in the afternoon and eating only healthy foods. It was hard at first, but then i noticed that the more i did it the better i felt. After about 3 months of doing this, i lost 23 pounds and could fit into clothes i never could even get past my thighs! Then I plateaud. I would lose 5 pounds and then gain 5 pounds, 200, to 205. Finally i had enough and started to eat only vegetables, lean meat, and some fruits and exercise on a tredmill. Then i finally lost another 5 pounds! All together i have lost 28 pounds! If i can do it, then you can do it too. Just ride out the plateau and sooner or later you will reach your goals!
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Old 03-16-2014, 03:20 AM   #10
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Hey you! Yes, you! You ARE dateable. Do you really want to date a guy who thinks you aren't dateable? Who doesn't find you bueatiful no matter your size? You don't deserve that.

I am in the same spot you are in right now. Not really motivated to lose the weight but I have to for my health. I'm hanging around 220-219. I was as low as 215 before getting sick. Then the guilt hit me and I couldn't get back into the groove. Would you like to be accountability buddies? When you have a long way to go, this is HARD. Cause 50 lbs lost isn't much for us. And it's a lonnnnnnng process. You can do this.
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Old 03-23-2014, 12:26 PM   #11
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Thanks all for the kind words, thoughts, and encouragement! I think I'm finally back on track and ready to start losing weight again!
Luckily I didn't seem to gain any, just stall/slow my weight loss while I was moping around. Now it's back to full force weight loss so I can have that hot bikini bod by...next summer but at least be able to wear shorts for this one!
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Old 03-23-2014, 07:25 PM   #12
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Good job levoguette. Welcome back to the wagon.
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Old 03-27-2014, 10:24 AM   #13
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Good to hear you're back on the horse, so to speak. Seriously, you have to hang your hopes and dreams and goals on YOU, not some d-bag moron who clearly has ZERO hope of finding a woman of quality. What you should have done was thanked your lucky stars that he revealed his true self to you almost right away so you didn't date him for awhile before you were forced to dump his shallow butt!
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