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off topic- i need help (rant)

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Old 07-09-2003, 04:02 AM   #1
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Unhappy off topic- i need help (rant)

i know this is grossly off topic, but i'm sitting up at 2 a.m. and i can' think of anywhere else to turn to except all of you.
1) my best friend (i mean, we called each other sisters) has pretty much told me she has no desire to maintain a relationship with me. she's had a "serious" boyfriend (he's 19, she's 16) for the last 4 months and ever since him, she's spent about 4 days with me and she's trying to tell me i'm the one who's changed, and it's killing me because i LOVE her like a sister, but she just doesn't care. she was everything to me. now she's going back to her old best friend and ignoring me pretty much.
2) my mom hasn't called in two months. i am beyond pissed. i mean, i've always lived with my dad but she's always lived within an hour of me and we see each other about 3 times a year. am i not good enough or what? how dare she treat her own daughter like this??????? she doesn't know about my 4.0 or my favorite color or anything but when we're together the 3-5 times a year she somehow ALWAYS knows what's best for me. what a psycho. and the worst part is.... she's manipulative and always backs me into a corner and makes me feel wrong and eerrrrr.
3) i'm so discouraged by this weight loss thing. i HATE this. i HATE myself. it makes me SICK when i see people who started here around the same time i did or much later and have already far surpassed me. i know i shouldn't compare myself, but, i mean, let's be serious. it happens.

well.... thanks for reading that. (God Bless you if you are a believer) Any advice or suggestions? anything will be treasured. sorry about the length and nature of the thread. i just figured you would know what to do. -apryl
 
Old 07-09-2003, 06:41 AM   #2
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Apryl

1. Truth now. Did you demand more of the relationship than your friend was willing to give? This often happens, girls give up their own lives and only have their boyfriends. It totally sucks. But it happens. I do not know how to bridge that gap for you sweetie. Though I have been quite popular in my life in my heart I am anti-social, I love crowds, I hate people I hope someone has better advice for you, all I can say is I have been your girlfriend and my type can be pretty shitty to people but we do grow out of it.

2. Your Mom sucks too. She sounds pretty selfish and not like a mom at all. If you want I can be your mom, but you still have to get a 4.0 and clean up my house You could try calling her on her selfishness, but it may backfire and she will pull away even more. There is no guidebook or license for parenting and most of us parents are just humans screwing our kids up just like we were screwed up. Its up to you with how you deal with it.

Do not hate yourself
I have fought with self-loathing/self-love my whole life. Its pathetic, and your strong and young. Everything is so close right now but there are really so many more things out there besides this little universe of problems. Rant away Apryl. We are here for you.

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Old 07-09-2003, 08:52 AM   #3
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Apryl: Honey, being a teen is probably the hardest thing you have to accomplish these days and come out of it ok! I am a mom with two grown kids and a grandchild, but had a dysfunctional family growing up and felt very unloved. You sound like a lovely young woman and you should love yourself first. This is a tough thing to do when you hate the way you look and the life you have been dwelt, but take it from someone who knows!

First: The friend deal. Do not stress about this. Girls with boyfriends tend to go a little nutty, but they always need their girlfriends. I would really look to see if there could be a reason she abandoned you all of a sudden for another friend. If not, you have two options, #1 confront her and ask her point blank why she has decided you can no longer be friends (for this one you have to be prepared for the answer even if it is tough) and #2 make new friends and let things calm down. She may very well be back. I have never been one to sit back and so I would probably do #1 but if there is a chance she is going to say something you don't want to hear, you have to be prepared to accept the truth. Girls are especially vicious to each other for some unknown reason. Please keep your chin up!

Second: The old mom issue. This one is age old and believe me there are hundreds of you going through what you are now. I know you miss her, want her to see your accomplishments, and have her proud of you, but it sounds like maybe the daughter is more mature than the mom. I applaud your dad for taking care of you and loving you like you should be loved. Concentrate on HIM! You cannot change your mother's behaviour so you need to focus on the person who DOES care about you, good ole dad! I am assuming he gives you what you need emotionally? Just because we are adults, does not make us good parents. There are no miracle fairies that pop us on the head the minute the baby is born and make us WONDER MOM and DAD. It is hard work and very very often we screw up big time. Mom may not want to be a parent so you cannot force it. I can only reiterate that Dad is there for you so let him be the one you turn to for your support. When she does pop into your life, if you have grounded yourself in your relationship with dad, you can treat her as more of a friend. She does not deserve more than that!

Third: Weight loss. You need to look in the mirror 20 times a day and tell yourself you are beautiful RIGHT NOW. Not 10 lbs down, 20 or 50 but now. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! There is nothing wrong with being fat. It is this country who had made that some great sin. The only way to be truly happy is to accept yourself the way you are then you can lose weight, change hair color, get contacts, whatever to improve yourself. I was overweight in high school and know it is very difficult to be accepted but if you hang your head and act ashamed of yourself, you cannot expect them to treat you any different than you treat yourself! If you walk with your head held high, look people in the eye, smile and be friendly you would be surprised how much more respect you will get! As for boyfriends, I weighed 185 lbs when I met my future husband. I was between my junior and senior year in high school and he was in the Navy. I was no shrinking violet. He loved me for ME because I loved myself. No one can do that for you. We have now been married 31 years and I have two beautiful children 26 and 30 and a 3 year old grandson. I weighed over 400 lbs in January and have taken off 90 since then.

Apryl, please feel free to pm me if you would like to talk and or I can help you with helping you over your weight loss hump. I would be happy to do anything I can for you. I am a pretty hip old lady so you can talk to me about anything!

Faye LOOK AT THE QUOTE YOU USE! MAKE IT INSPIRE YOU TO DO GREAT THINGS!

Last edited by gma22 : 07-09-2003 at 08:55 AM.
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Old 07-09-2003, 11:17 AM   #4
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Hi Apryl,

Your post is not really off-topic. These types of things are what we allow to define our self worth, which can hinder our weight loss.

I can completely relate to the situations you are facing! They are tough ones, and can certainly play on your self-confidence!

As for your friend...I don't really know what to tell you...I know that I faced a similar situation with a friend when I was 18, and I found it heart-breaking at the time. I am of the opinion that there really isn't much that you can do...you can let your friend know that you love her like a sister, you wish the best for her, but you cannot tolerate having your friendship misused. You & I (and everybody who has taken inspiration from your intelligent posts on 3FC) knows that you deserve so much more from a friend. Maybe she isn't the person to offer it? Maybe she will come around, once the new boyfriend fog has cleared? I'm not sure that this is a situation that you can control...just try to remember that it has more to do with what is going on with your friend than with you.

As for your mother...I can relate to this situation...my parents divorced when I was 12 and it was very rough going with my father (I was raised by my mom). In the end I decided to end my relationship with my dad. It was just too painful to feel like I was being put at the bottom of the importance list. What I have come to realize is that he may not have been well-equiped to have acted like a dad. It's like Faye said...just because they're adults, doesn't make them good parents. I still don't regret my decision to cut off the relationship with my dad....but it took me years to come to that decision! Not one to be taken lightly (as I am sure you realize judging from your post). It sounds to me like you have realized that your mother is not the person to go to for encouragement and support (which I hadn't figured out by the age of 16!). Feel free to turn to 3FC for a good rant or support anytime! I personally - would be glad to offer any support you would like from an on-line buddy!

Weight....It is frustrating when it is slow going, isn't it? It is so difficult not to compare ourselves with others. That was actually one of my New Year's resolutions. I had a bunch of friends who started trying to lose weight about a year after I started, and a few have now surpassed my total loss for 2 years! V. frustrating, indeed. If I recall correctly though, you have PCOS (like me!), which is going to slow your weigh loss progress. The good news is that studies show that it is easier to maintain weight loss over the long term when you loose the weight slowly!

If you ever want to PM me to compare notes about weight loss with PCOS, feel free! The only thing is....you'll have to explain to me what I need to do to set it up so you can PM me! I am a big-time techno-peasant, but really quite pleasant in many other ways!

As my grandmother used to say: "Chin up young soldier!". I'm not really sure what she meant - but it sounds encouraging, doesn't it?!

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Old 07-09-2003, 11:48 AM   #5
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Apryl,
I wish I could say something that would make all of those bad feelings go away, and everything would be all better. I really wish that I could make life perfect for you all of the youth of today. However, I cannot. All I can offer you is a little piece of advice - and that has already been said beautifully by the other ladies.
Keep in mind that things will be looking quite differently once school starts. I am assuming that your best friend's boyfriend is not still in school - that should make a difference when classes resume. She is going to need a friend during the school day, and for all of those after-school activities, that her boyfriend won't want to go to.
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Old 07-09-2003, 12:21 PM   #6
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Apryl - Everyone has already given you such great advice. Being a teenager can truly suck sometimes, but know that it will pass.

Your "friend" - It happened to me, too. Not only was this girl my BEST FRIEND, but she took the guy *I* had been pining over for six months! They eventually broke up (turns out he was gay! ) and we made up, but things were never the same. Later on, I realized that's what happens in life - sometimes you have people who are with your for life, sometimes you have people who are only with you for a small part of your life. That realization doesn't make it hurt any less, though. What I suggest is that you move on. Maybe in a few months, when she and this boy are no longer together, she'll come back. Maybe she won't. It's her loss - know what I mean?

As for your mom - she doesn't sound like much of one! She might be your biological mother, but she's not really your mom. Just 'cause we women can squeeze out babies doesn't qualify us to all be moms. You are so blessed, though, to have your dad. He sounds like a great mom! How sad for your mom that she's missing out on such a great kid like you. Keep doing well in spite of her. Again, it's her loss.

As far as your self-loathing, I want you to listen to "Beautiful" at full volume 100 times! TRUST ME WHEN I SAY THIS - when you look back on high school 20 years from now, you are going to kick yourself in the behind for thinking that you were that you were hideous, fat, ugly, whatever. I spent my teen years comparing myself to all the size 2's surrounding me and lost out on many opportunities because I was convinced I was "too fat" to do them. What a waste.

Don't hesitate to post here....every single one of us were teenagers once. While we might not have all the answers, we have the benefit of hindsight. Big hugs
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Old 07-09-2003, 02:54 PM   #7
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apryl: so much to say, and no time to say it. these wonderful ladies have really such a tremendous amount of wisdom that i'm nearly speechless...

so, for right now, here's a huge hug, and a big smooch. because you ARE absolutely worth the effort. both yours and ours.
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Old 07-09-2003, 05:30 PM   #8
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Apryl -

Big hugs! I understand where you're coming from on each account. I think the friendship thing is the hardest. I'm not good at making good friends and when I do, they're for life. So, when somethign happens where they've dissed me, I take it straight to my heart. It hurts. There is nothing for it.

As for the mom issue, believe it or not, your mom is going to be the one hurt most by her actions. There's going to come a day when she realizes what she's done. I know that doesn't help matters but understand that you are worth knowing!

Weight loss! Look how far you've come chica! You're awesome. Weightloss will not make you happy or solve your problems so make sure you find some other happiness for yourself. Yes, being healthy is mondo important but being happy is so much more important.
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Old 07-10-2003, 01:14 PM   #9
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Apryl, about the friend issue. I was the one way back when who dumped my friends when I got my first boyfriend and boy do I feel rotten about it now. We are still together (my husband who was my high school sweetheart) but I have no other friends from when I was in high school. I think about all you can do is tell this person that you will still always be her friend and you'll still be there if she ever needs you. Then you'll just have to go on. I hope she'll come to her senses sooner rather than later and continue the wonderful friendship that you had.

I can also relate to the mother thing. I moved in with my dad when I was 16 and there were a few years that I didn't see my mom at all. I talked to her on the phone once in awhile but that was about it. So basically she has no clue what my life is like but still continues to give advice like she has a clue what she is talking about. It goes in one ear and out the other. I think she has finally clued in that I'm not listening to a lot of what she is saying so now she actually makes an effort not to continually critisize me. There will come a time when your mom has only you left in this world and she'll regret some of the things she's done. Don't let her attitude hurt you. She sounds very selfish and is more concerned about herself than you. It's her problem not yours.

Lastly please don't hate yourself. Being overweight is rough, I know, I've been overweight all my life. I hate the way I feel somedays and the way I look but I don't hate myself. I know it is an old cliche but what truly matters in life is the way you are inside. The people that truly care about you don't look at the outside, they see your inner beauty. I know you want that inner beauty to be reflected on the outside. It is going to take a lot of hard work and effort but I think that if we want something bad enough we will achieve it. It may take awhile but in the end we'll all have healthy looking and feeling bodies. Best wishes
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Old 07-10-2003, 03:22 PM   #10
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Thank you all so much for your moving, loving, inspiring replies. They have truly affected me deeply. I'll be responding to all of you individually in the near future, but please have patience--- you all had a lot to say, and I have a lot to say back. Thank you so much again. Really. It's so nice to know that on my darkest nights there are actually people out there who care so much. Thank you. Always, Apryl
 
Old 07-10-2003, 03:44 PM   #11
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Apryl honey I've wanted to respond to this all week, so I will make it short & sweet.

1) This happens in HS. People pair off & you're left holding the bag, so to speak. If/when she breaks up w/this guy, she'll come crawling back, wanting to be friends again. I've seen it happen too many times. All you can do is be there for her if this happens, in the meantime, branch out. Find more friends elsewhere who have more time for you.

2) Take the bull by the horns. Give your mom a call & see if she wants to get together, just to go shopping or for a walk or to the movies or something. At least then you can say you tried. Yes, yes, I know. SHE is the "adult", SHE should be making MUCH more of an effort as far as you're concerned. But sometimes the daughter has to be the "adult". Spending more time w/her is the only way she's going to get to know stuff about you. And if you decide she's not worth it, then so be it. At least you will have tried. *hugs* I know where you're coming from w/this--I still go through the same range of emotions every time I'm scheduled to see my father.

3) Join the club, sweetie. I'm very discouraged as well. But please don't hate yourself. You are the one who knows you best, and should love you most.
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Old 07-10-2003, 10:17 PM   #12
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And sometimes, sometimes girls don't learn how to balance friends w/boyfriend, and carry the bad habit into their twenties. I was blown off for the third time this week by my best friend. We've not been able to get together, and were scheduled to hang out tonight to catch up.

We're having a rummage sale tomorrow/Saturday & were supposed to get everything squared tonight. I called to say I was on my way & lo & behold, she was just going out the door. *sigh*

So I feel for ya tonight, Apryl, I do. I have never once blown off a friend for a guy & I wish the ones who do could know how it feels. If they did, they would never do it again.

Just as an aside, I am a normally easygoing gal. Nothing much bugs me. But 3 times in one week? You got to be jerking my beefaroni!
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