Personally, I have also discovered that even when you make a friend your friend can either consciously or subconsciously treat you with less concern or with less esteem because you are overweight. The friend begins to view you as a tool or as a "fall-back" plan when their initial plans fall through..
yikes!!! you picked the wrong friend, cut 'em loose!! Fat/thin/tall/short whatever, rudeness is rudeness and no one should stand for it
I don't know how much of it has to do with being "fat" persey, but I've never had had very many friends because I'm a really introverted person and whether or not that has ever had anything to do with my weight, I'm not sure. It probably does a little bit on my end at least.
I've always been quite shy around new people to begin with, but I've allowed myself over the years to develop really poor self-esteem because of my weight and THAT is why I do not make friends, not because of the weight itself.
I disagree. I have friends I've had since high school, and lots of friends I've made & kept along the way. I have a naturally outgoing personality and I find it very easy to speak to people, and I'm funny
That being said, a lot of people let their weight affect them, become shy and introverted - which makes it hard to make/maintain relationships.
I don't believe that it's a matter of "letting" weight affect us, so much as the effects of two variables:
1. The temperament we're born with (the genetic aspect of personality), and
2. The fact that our cultures and subcultures in many cases, put pressure on us to conform to expectations which seclude us. In many subtle and not-so-subtle ways, we're taught that as fat people (and the stigma really extends to anyone who looks in any way physically unattractive) we don't deserve the same courtesies, respect, and decent treatment as the "normal" and attractive people.
I believe gamechanger made a very good point that good fortune and strength of personality play a very important role.
I've been fat since kindergarten, and I also was born with an extremely outgoing, sociable, and optimistic personality. My parents (one mildly shy and generally optimistic, one extremely shy and extremely pessimistic) parents didn't know what to do with such a child. They tried to reign in my personality - this child who happily trusted and talked to strangers.
Being fat added another layer to the problem, as the females in my family (who tended to be thin in youth and early adulthood and fat in later years. They had so many "fat girl" rules (not to blame them, they didn't invent the rules, they just passed them along).
Some of my optimism, sociability, and outgoing nature was effectively suppressed, just not enough to rob me of friends - or enough to keep me from doing things I wanted to do badly enough (like swimming and going to college).
I don't believe that it's a matter of "letting" weight affect us, so much as the effects of two variables:
Some of my optimism, sociability, and outgoing nature was effectively suppressed, just not enough to rob me of friends - or enough to keep me from doing things I wanted to do badly enough (like swimming and going to college).
I guess I just find that a bit contradictory -- it's not a matter of letting it affect you...but then you illustrate exactly how you didn't let it affect you.... if you get my meaning???
I know that people are born with a personality and weight can contribute to that personality. I also know, like a lot of things in life and the world, 'mind over matter' is a real thing.
If every slight from society can determine who a person is going to BE, there's more evil at work here than fat thighs.
I guess I just find that a bit contradictory -- it's not a matter of letting it affect you...but then you illustrate exactly how you didn't let it affect you.... if you get my meaning???
I know that people are born with a personality and weight can contribute to that personality. I also know, like a lot of things in life and the world, 'mind over matter' is a real thing.
If every slight from society can determine who a person is going to BE, there's more evil at work here than fat thighs.
Interesting topic!!!
Yes, the situation is quite paradoxical.
It would be to say that I didn't let social pressures affect me, but I'm not sure how much choice I had in the matter. I think the temperament I was born with, did much of the choosing for me. No doubt, if I had been born without such a strong, even forceful personality, my situation would be very different. Our personality may determine our choices and opportunity for change.
My parents and sisters didn't choose to be shy. Being shy, limits a person's choices.
Certainly a person can make choices to overcome their natural instincts, even faking personality traits they don't actually possess, but that's damned difficult.
Medications such as antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds and other mood-moderators can help, but that's not a solution everyone is comfortable with (though I've seen it work miracles).
I'd like to think my advantages were all my own doing, that I excelled academically and socially by my efforts, but I have to acknowledge that I may have simply won the genetic lottery for intelligence and social skill (though I lost the lottery for a tendency towards obesity and health problems).
Genetics, environment, and choice ALL play a role, but there is no way to know exactly how much - and it's probably a different proportion for each person. To make it even more complicated the variables interact. Your environment can effect which genes are expresses, your genetics and environment influence and even determine some of the choices available to you, every choice influences others and can influence your environment.
The paradox only lies on the surface. When you see all the variables at work, it makes much more sense. There's only so much a person can do to overcome or compensate for their environment, upbringing, and genetic predispositions.
Maybe before, I was so obsessed with getting a giant plate of fried zucchini and onion rings at the fair and making a beeline for the Ranch dressing that I didn't have time to socialize. It's hard to chat and make friends or notice the people around you when you are off in binge la-la-land where nothing exists but you and the food.
Maybe before, I was so obsessed with getting a giant plate of fried zucchini and onion rings at the fair and making a beeline for the Ranch dressing that I didn't have time to socialize. It's hard to chat and make friends or notice the people around you when you are off in binge la-la-land where nothing exists but you and the food.
Though I was nodding and agreeing with everyone's responses in someway, for me, this was the "BINGO!" post.
Food overtook me for several years, and food was a better friend than ANY, except for 2 (Ricky & Stephanie) in my WHOLE life.
I agree Ellezony. In college while living the dormitory life, I had many more friends and acquaintances.(Yes, I was overweight during my college years.) However, during this time I was constantly surrounded by people, and I was significantly younger, had less self-esteem, and was less selective when it came to picking my friends. With time, experience, and maturity I have developed a better definition of real friendship. Based on this more mature and emotionally healthy definition, the number of people I call "friend" has decreased significantly. One factor of my definition of friendship is that a person must respect me and judge me by the content of my character and not by my physical features. If a "friend" demonstrates that he or she considers me less worthy based on the fact that I'm overweight, I no longer consider that person to be a friend. When I finally got to the point of eliminating those on my friendship list who considered me to be less than worthy, I was left with precious few names on the list. However, I don't miss the ones who didn't make the cut. :-)
Strange as it may seem, I forget that I'm a large woman. In my head, I'm the same size as everyone else. I can say with certainty that people treat a large woman differently. It has been much more difficult for me to make friends now that I'm almost 300lbs. People are still "friendly" and we have wonderful conversations when we are at the same social events. However, people seem less inclined to accept my offers to go to lunch, shopping, movies, etc. And, I never receive invitations to do the same things by others. And, let's don't even talk about the subpar service I now receive in stores and restaurants! Even though I have gained a lot of weight, I still take pride in my appearance. I wear makeup, style my hair, wear pretty outfits with nice sandals or heeled shoes, spritz with my favorite perfume....but, shop clerks never approach me to ask if I need help and cashier's don't make eye contact. So...pesky me....it has become a game to force the cashier to look me in the eye and to ask the shop clerks a ton of questions!
I grew up constantly feeling like the outsider but when I look back I realise how many friends I had while I was at school. I went to university in London and picked up more friends there, then did my masters and met my soul mates, then worked and did another course and worked again and along the way I just picked up lots of friends. I've always had a very busy social life and I know a lot of people, but I realise that that is just me.
Now that i've moved back home, The people who shunned me for being a fat kid have all grown to become my friends over the years - they've all been through their own dramas and we've all grown to respect and love each other for who we are and not what we are.
Now that I've started losing weight, I've shut myself off a little bit, and I find that i'm really shy now. I can't begin to imagine what i'll be like when I get to goal weight.
