Well I can't speak to porn, we don't invite that into our marriage, but I can speak to confidence. It is as much about me as him. I am secure in our relationship and his feelings for and about me - that makes me confident and frees me to act sexually with him, without fearof any rejection or reprisal. And because I carry myself with confidence and assurance, he finds me very sexy.
I think it is that way in most healthy marriages. Security breeds confidence and trust, trust and security breeds confidence, and the cycle feeds itself. My husband and I belong to one another to enjoy and cherish, so we make the absolute most of it because this is what we have (and never anyone else, in fantasy or reality). That monogamy (emotionally and physically) is the foundation of most of my confidence.
I can say that I did not have this confidence when I was younger, even at a lighter weight, because I didn't feel loved and cherished and translated that to not being WORTH loving and cherishing. I had to get rid of the traditional type of young, serial relationships to find that ground I needed to personally blossom and grow in my sensual nature and self assurance. It's a chicken and egg thing, truly. They create one another.
Last edited by Arctic Mama; 01-11-2011 at 01:42 AM.
I have always been the type that always took care of myself no matter what my size. I bought sexy clothes and lingerie then just like I do now. I still do it because it's what makes me feel pretty, confident and sexy. I can appreciate other females who put off the same "because I'm worth it " vibes.
Skinny doesn't equal sexy just as Overweight doesn't equal unattractive.
Last edited by Nikki6kidsmom; 01-11-2011 at 01:47 AM.
Not to gross anyone out with the image, but I discovered that the look hubby found sexiest, was anything but sexy in my mind - me (at nearly my highest weight no less) naked except for running shoes and bobby socks (I undressed after a work-out and peeled my clothes off before my socks and shoes).
I know this! I totally get it.
Only in my case was naked but for a mostly blue and green but sort of multicolored diamond pattern panties and multi color polka dot knee socks. I was trying to get naked to take a shower and DH walks in on me and busts up laughing.
Him: "OMG! You look like some kind of crazy clown stripper and it is adorable!"
Me: "I am amused you think I look like a crazy clown stripper but I am disturbed you find clowns adorable."
Him: "Here... let me disturb you some..." (enter shenanigans)
It's not a terribly sexy image -- me in crazy clown wear, but the sexy is in the intimacy and vulnerability and confidence to allow these sorts of moments in your life.
I'll start out by saying a) best thread title ever...sucked me in immediately (no pun intended...heh. yes, I have the sense of humor of a 12 year old boy) and b) kaplods, I kind of want to marry you now. Love your confidence, love the story about the sexy game.
And apostrophe, your crazy clown stripper story killed me. That's some good stuff.
I'm no stranger to porn. I find most of it funny and have watched tons with friends and turned it into a drinking game ("drink if the gardener shows up at the door saying he's hot!"), but I notice that my own personal preference leans toward curvier ladies.
I'm one of those feel-sexy-at-any-size types, and maybe that has something to do with the fact that the women I enjoy are softer, if you will. The first woman I was ever attracted to in my early 20s was a bit older than I, maybe a size 16, and absolutely gorgeous. She was so confident and free and sensual, and I got a lot of inspiration and strength from watching her and the way she interacted with people.
I've never had trouble attracting male attention, and the guy friends I have tell me it's because of my confidence and the way I carry myself. They also maintain that the prefer women with a little more cushion. (Their opinion, of course, so take it for what it's worth. These are boys who still find fart jokes funny...lol.)
It's odd timing, because I was just having a conversation with a male friend last week about sexiness, and we were talking about how ideally it comes from within and one shouldn't need anyone one else to tell them they're sexy. But sometimes seeing yourself the way someone else looks at you is a really powerful thing, and it just propels the confidence forward. Not gonna lie, being told I'm not doesn't hurt my feelings.
Again though, my vote is for curvy ladies...just something yummy there!
(Oh, and there's a great song honoring the larger woman called "Big Girls (You are Beautiful)" by Mika. Youtube it. It's awesome.)
BRAVO to you for being so open and honest! That took guts, but sex is something "most" of us do from time to time lol.
You know what's weird about me? When I'm not in the "bedroom"... I have no confidence in myself whatsoever... and I'm constantly putting myself down and feeling embarrassed about my weight... but... when I'm in the "bedroom".... it's like a different woman comes out lol. I don't know where she comes from... but I like her much better!
This is slightly off topic (although generically relevant in terms of sex appeal), but this conversation has reminded me of a conversation my husband and I had with my best friend and his boyfriend a couple weeks ago. My friend and I were reminiscing about a Halloween party about twelve years ago, and I was dressed as a barmaid/wench (and some serious "boobage" created by a tightly laced bodice). I actually had sewn the costume several years before and wore it every Halloween because of the great male attention I got in the dress.
At my friend's party, there was quite a mix of sexual orientations, and that night I got so much flirtatious attention from both genders (not only the heterosexual men and lesbian women, but even some of the gay men), that I told my friends my theory that "boobage" of that degree was mesmerizing (like the hypnotoad in Futurama), and how it was a shame and a waste that boobage to that degree was only socially acceptable at Halloween parties and ren-fairs.
But the experience reminds me that my confidence isn't just internal. It is shaped by outside attention. With so much positive attention, my already strong confidence really did blast into the stratosphere. I've never felt sexier before or since, because all the male and female attention really made me feel gorgeous (even if it was my chest that got the lion's share of the attention).
That dress boosted my confidence to such a degree that every time I saw it in my closet, I wanted to wear it (sadly, not appropriate for corporate cubicle land). When we moved to Wisconsin six years ago, I donated the dress to Goodwill, because we had to move on such short notice and on such a tight budget, that we got rid of everything we didn't really need.
Of all the things I gave away, the ren-fair dress is the only thing I miss. I think it almost became a symbol of my sexuality. Of course it was also a good-luck charm, in that it never failed to attract attention (I wore that dress every Halloween until we moved to Wisconsin).
There's not really a point to this story, except that it's funny how different I felt in that dress, because of the positive attention it drew, and the fact that I loved how I looked in it. I really was half-tempted to wear the chemise and bodice with jeans.
Partly because of my age/generation (I think) when a lot of mainstream films were definitely what we would now categorize as soft porn (oh, the 70s!), I definitely have totally bought into the fact that "sexy" =
frequently blonde
ricketty ribs
large (but bony) hips
enormous and immobile boobidoos
oh yes, and impossibly flat, impossibly shaved hmm hmms
Something that will become more of an anxiety the nearer I get to goal is the nearer I become to this definition of "attractive", the more I'm going to have to work on what the root of my inner conviction of unattractiveness.
Of course I've met/seen plus size women who are drop dead gorgeous (clothed, I haven't met any naked ones) but somehow that doesn't alter my thinking of how *I* could be.
Related - honestly, don't laugh - is a thought that came to me a few months ago while watching QVCUK. They have a newish plus-size model, who is not just statuesque, she is fat. She is very tall too, so offers me no insights at all into how the garment might look on me. She always wears a 1XL size, and they cling to every curve! To me, she doesn't look big and shapely, she looks big and wearing too tight clothes, why don't they just put her in a 2XL or a 3?
And what I was churning around for a while was that my clothing goal, even now, is to cover up. My aim is to hide my shape as attractively as possible. So just through QVC, I was left with the same questions as OP. - I complain often enough about society stereo-typing fat people as unattractive but it seems I have totally bought into it. Interesting.
The best stuff is amateur. The stuff with super high production quality is just bad. White blonde hair extensions, two layers of spray on tan, enormous chest that's way out of proportion to their body, fake nails...really? Two inch fake nails....whaa? I won't comment on why that's bad.
Plus the actors don't seem to be enjoying it. You can tell who gets into it and who cares more about the camera.
I'd rather see real people who really enjoy it. As it turns out, the majority of real people aren't flawless. We all have the occasional roll, stretch mark, odd shaped whatever. We also don't all have the money to get rid of these things and create a Barbie standard. If I had the money to surgically sculpt my body and fix my skin and have healthy white hair and a dark tan, would I? Yes. But that's not happening in my lifetime.
I've seen absolutely sexy women of all sizes and shapes. The way they present themselves, and enjoy themselves...and their attitude. It makes you ignore the imperfections completely and just enjoy the moment.
I've got to say... this post gave me tons of laughs this morning! Way to go ladies!
For me.... I agree with the others here that there are definitely some beautiful, SEXY plus sized women out there. They're just... shaped nice... big or not. Unfortunately... I don't really think that I'm one of them. I've got those weird rolls that just... ugh. Hang. Nasty. To me anyways. Lots of guys have told me to cram it and had more than a lot of fun with me (though I still will never understand why)
The thing is...... one thing I noticed and came to realize in my crazy college days was that when I'd drink, I'd become this crazy confident sexual female. And a lot of the time, in a group of all skinny girlfriends, I would be the one getting a number or whatever. However... if sober (and thus quiet and conservative)... it never happened.
To me.... that says it all. It's about confidence. About letting your personality shine through and highlight your sexiness. As so many other women here have been saying as well.
First off Kaplods and Astrophe, I think you two are my favorite people today!
I find porn ladies to be the least attractive! What is with that angry face? Seriously, they should rethink that staple.
Before I really came into myself and my body I knew a girl who got SO much male attention and was pretty heavy - same story - she told me once " The most attractive thing you can wear is a smile" and it stuck with me.
(until fairly recently) I have always felt sexy and, well, always have thought that my body looks better without clothes. Never had a tough time getting attention from men, even my highest weight. I was known as the girl in the group who would get hit on first.
There has been a significant drop in that male attention though, I look the same - the only thing that has changed was my confidence level. My last BF was a man with some intimacy problems I think (hated his mom, been single for 15+ years - anybody else see red flags?!). I stayed for 1 year thinking things would get better, if I was better, or smaller, or took better care of him or whatever. Being sexual and feeling sexy has always been a huge part of who I am so that killed me inside and, I'll be honest, I left him a year and half ago and I am just now getting back to feeling like myself. I have no idea why I needed to learn that lesson, but I guess I did.
So, I guess the moral of the story is even if you have to 'fake it till you make it' - do what you have to do feel your best and love the body you are in right now.
Last edited by BigBlueStar; 01-11-2011 at 11:53 AM.
At 298 lbs my male colleagues would drool over me and my breasts have always attracted attention. I have been told I was extremely sexy, and my husband agrees. However, I feel different now. Not sexier as such, but more comfortable (despite the saggy skin on my tummy and legs). I think women of all shapes and sizes are sexy, but the thing that truly makes them sexy is confidence.
Most people, male and female are infact beautiful - someone just has to see it
Thanks spixiet - this is a great thread!
Wow! - there are a ton of amazing responses here...thanks people
Wrt to the fact that it's a public forum...yes, I do realize that anyone surfing the internets could possibly come across my post, and that I have my picture there (and a user name that is closely related to my actual name), lol. However, I wanted to be honest about where all my original ponderings originated Plus, really, how often does porn lead to any serious musings???
Thank you so much for the open and honest responses. Fantastic ideas and observations, and I definitely think I'm just going to have to go down the "fake it til you make it" path. The only way to get better at something is to practice - whether it's learning to see yourself as confident and sexy or anything else in this world....
Okay, I am loving a thread that encompasses both porn and the hypnotoad from Futurama!
I have to think on this some tonight, and get back to it. I've never had a lot of male attention, even when I was young and semi-thin, so now that I'm getting some I don't always act appropriately. My husband says I'm more beautiful NOW (39) than when we met (17) but he's my husband and HAS to say that, right??
