It's upsetting to talk about, but I'm hoping to get some encouragment from you all, and see if anyone else has gone through this.
When I was at my heaviest, no men paid attention to me. It's what I grew use to. At weddings, etc, if anyone asked me to dance, he was realted to me, and I had the mindset that it was out of pity, to help me feel good, or soemthing like that.
I'm now down 90-ish pounds, and lots of people are telling me how great I look, men included, and it makes me, uncomfortable. I still don't see what they see, I still think of myself as the fat girl.
I'm in a wedding this weekend, and I"m totally freaking out about it. I know I have social anxiety as it is, and I keep thinking about what I will do if someone asks me to dance ( non family ) Other then being paralizyed by fear, I don't know what I"m gonna do if this does happen. I, for soooo long was the girl who didn't attract men, I don't know how to be anything else. I also worry about what if I'm not attracted to the person who asks me to dance? I know this is the social anxiety coming out, but this is the kind of stuff that makes me panic.
It's gotten to the point, where over the last two weeks, while I have been working out, cause it's a part of my almost daily plan, I haven't been watching what I"ll eat. Self sabatage I guess. I'm scared of looking "too good" I think. Scared of attracting men at this wedding. I don't want anyone to come up and ask me to dance, cause I don't know what I"d do. If I dance, is there a romantic interest involved on his part? ( And don't even get me started on that part of my life ) i don't want to give men the wrong idea if I"m not interested that way in them. ( co-dependent much?? )
Frick! I'm already up 5 pounds from my all time lowest weight of 184. I hate that I"d done this. I want to be healthy!!!! I don't want the unwanted attention though.
Yeah, I'm a nut. Sorry, just had to vent. Hopefully some of you will be able to offer some insight on this. And hopefully I can make it through this weekend!!
Try to relax. You are getting all worked up over what? One dance at a wedding? Dancing is just supposed to be a fun party activity. It isn't signing your life away to your dance partner.
It isn't like you don't get a voice or a choice in your life destiny. And if someone asks you to dance and you don't feel like it -- don't! All you have to do is smile and say "Thanks! But I'm sitting this one out."
Tell yourself "I am in charge of me!" and move on like you mean it instead of being like a leaf floating in the wind, at the mercy of the weather.
I know where you're coming from, been there, still there some days.
I really don't know what help I could be, but when it comes to the attention - dont even think twice about it. Of course you're going to get attention . . . look at what you've done for yourself! Its fantastic! It shows you love yourself and want better, thats confidence and it comes out whether or not we feel it at the time.
If you're worried about 'romantic feelings' dont be, sometimes a dance is just a dance, no biggie and outside the wedding, take it for what it is and don't think twice about it until YOU want to give that attention to some one too. Until then . . . give the attention to your self, look what it's done for you so far!!!
When I lost a lot of weight years ago, I also got more attention from men than I wanted and it made me so uncomfortable, I gained all of the weight back! I just couldn't handle it - I only knew how to be a fat girl. I didn't know how to be in the world any other way. Please don't make the same mistake I made.
Keep focused on yourself and your goals. Please post after the event and let us know how it went.
Just tell yourself to enjoy it. You aren't getting married to someone who asks you to dance. A dance is just a dance. If they are interested they may ask for you number and you can decide what to do from there.
I wonder if I will go through the same thing when I lose weight though. Its interesting to hear about this, because I have social anxiety too at times.
Something I find that helps me when I start to get over anxious about something is to talk to someone about it, or take a walk, or just get busy around the house. For me it works off some of the nerves.
I understand completely where you're coming from. I was medicated in the past for my social anxieties. Part of the reason I got so heavy was to avoid unwanted attention, especially from men. If people start to notice how "good" I'm looking, I freak and usually gain some weight back.
Were you planning to dance anyway at the wedding? If so, just get your butt on the dance floor before anyone asks you and then if you end up dancing with someone it will probably just be a matter of bumping into each other on the dance floor rather than a formal invitation to dance with them. Dance with your girlfriends. Hang out away from the dance floor if you're not into dancing, immerse yourself in conversation with interesting people. Take a walk around the reception grounds and take in the sights. And if someone does ask you to dance, don't be afraid to (politely) say no if you're truly uncomfortable with the idea of dancing with them. Or don't be afraid to say yes if the mood strikes you, you may surprise yourself and not be nearly as anxious as you think you'll be.
The best advice I can give you tho, is to do your darndest to stop overthinking it. Thats where all the anxiousness comes from, is the thinking about it for hours and hours beforehand, playing out every possibly scenario and the worst things that could happen, rather than the situation itself. Make yourself so dang busy between now and wedding that you don't have a free minute to worry about it.
I totally agree with Latchkey Princess- I like her positive attitude!! Stay strong!!
I am just now really learning about emotional eating- I know I sabotage myself for some of the same reasons you mentioned. I just bought the audiobook of Women, Food and God and it makes a LOT of sense. Good luck, YOU CAN DO IT!!
I can relate as well! I have a feeling that I will always see myself as the fat girl, and the idea of meeting men as I'm losing weight makes me so anxious.
I'm going to this dating event next week as a matter of fact, because a friend of mine asked me to. I really didn't want to do it, but I decided that if anything, it might provide a good story to tell later on for amusement. I'm pushing aside my fear and I'm determined to make the best of it.
If someone asks you to dance, go for it! Just have fun, a wedding is a celebration and people just want to enjoy themselves. Best of luck to you, and congrats on the weight loss so far!
I can relate too, I think that's why I gained so much weight...my parents got divorced when I was in my early 20s and that did a complete mind trip. I didn't want anyone to love me or want me since my parents marriage of 32 years didn't work I built up a wall so I wouldn't have to feel that pain again from love. Now I'm struggling to gain my self-confidence back and shed the pounds. Just take one step at a time; go to the wedding without any pre-concieved ideas and just enjoy the night. When I go out I find myself acting like I'm "too good" because I don't want a guy to screw up my weightloss efforts. I'll get to a point when I won't be anxious anymore and I'll let down this wall. But weightloss does come with quite a bit unwanted attention. I guess after so many years I missed any attention...the unwanted attention is a confidence boost.
But, you aren't alone in this...I'm glad you posted that...I could have easily written that almost word for word.
I've gotten more attention lately, male and female. I appreciate the comments as it validates my hard work but at the same time I'm always extraordinarily uncomfortable. The quickest, least painful route is to smile and say thank you and nothing else.
As far as the dance, we can't control what others will say or do to us, only our response. If the idea of dancing makes you uncomfortable simply smile and say no thank you if asked. If someone persists say no thank you again. You do not have to do anything you don't want.
This anxiety is more common than you think -- and does stem from your insecurities, but try to remember that a wedding is just a party of celebration for the bride & groom; and they want everyone (including you) to have FUN!
And ... dancing is supposed to be a fun activity; and is a great way to burn some calories, so look at it that way. Dancing IS NOT an invitation to date or anything else; it's just for fun, so go with the attitude that you are just going to have some fun with friends and/or family.
You will probably have a great time; and realize that you were anxious for nothing. BTW, Princess had some great ideas there too. I used to stick close to friends; but would always dance with anyone who asked becuz I think they deserved that for asking. I would enjoy myself and the music; then I would just tell them "thank you very much" and promptly went right back to my friends and table (that gets the point across that you are just dancing for fun with no hard feelings).
I can TOTALLY relate!!! I was just talking about this with someone the other week. (I got pretty close to goal last year, and gained it back.)
Hmm. Could you yourself ASK a relative to dance? Perhaps a 60-year-old uncle? Then you won't be asked to dance, and it will feel comfortable for you to dance with someone who feels "safe."
I am trying to relax. I am going to the fair today, hopefully take my mind off stuff. Then I'm spending the night with the bride and some bridesmaids. That should be fun too.....then I'm sure as the sun goes down I'll start the thinking process again. It's ridiculous to put so much worry into something that might not even happen. I hate that my mind works like this. Yes, I was planning on dancing *some* at the wedding. I just don't like the idea of slow dancing with someone I'm not interested in, or at least know. I really like your idea of taking a walk around the grounds LatchkeyPrincess. I will keep that in mind. I know I don't have to tell someone yes to a dance, but I'm so co-dependent and such a people pleaser, I hate letting someone down, or fear hurting someones feelings. But I know I need to put myself and my feelings first. It's just hard to put that into practice sometimes.
I will post on sunday as to how everything went, maybe I'll even post a photo or two of myself at the event. The dresses are really cute!!
I think it's time to switch up your thinking. You're allowing yourself to dwell on the negative. Whenever these thoughts pop up, make a conscious effort to redirect. Tell yourself that you're going to have a blast and you're going to make some great friends...female and male! Yes, just friends. Our minds are amazing creations and we can create a different outcome for ourselves. Try it.
Self Sabatoge & Unwanted Attention=Me =(
