I really don't think he meant to sabotage either...We've been eating healthy as a family for almost 2 years & sometimes my husband just doesn't think when he brings stuff home or when he cooks . He just tries to be nice & he still doesn't get he can eat a heck of a lot more than I can lol
oh yeah...I did mostly break his habit of eating off my plate & I think going overboard helped! I don't let any of my 3 kids eat off my plate either (or drink after me...yuck to backwash!).
It sounds passive-aggressive to me. "Forgetting" is a classic passive-aggressive behavior.
I probably would have reacted similarly. I am very clear with my husband about my food choices and plans and what I need, and when my needs and desires are not respected, I am pretty vocal about it.
However, my husband is extremely actively supportive as well as verbally supportive, and has made his own ton of changes to his food and activity. So when he forgets, I know that it is truly forgetting or obliviousness.
We did have a pretty hilarious argument over the quantity of oil he uses to cook food, a month or so ago--I pointed out to him, "Honey, there is a full quarter-inch of oil in that frying pan." He protested that there wasn't, there was NO WAY that was 1/4 inch of oil. So I got out a knife, dipped it in, then measured the depth of the oil against a ruler--kind of like doing an oil-check on the car, heh.
I was right, of course. There was a full quarter-inch of oil in the pan, and most of the time he has NO IDEA how much oil he is using. ("You just put about four tablespoons of oil in there." "No I didn't, no way, that's only like one tablespoon!" *eye roll*) So he's listening to me a bit more lately about his use of oil in our meals.
I think he learned early on that if he wasn't going to cook food to my specifications, I wasn't going to eat it. And he hated that idea, so he changed. I wasn't *****y about not eating the food, I was just firm; and it got the message across. "Oh, that sure looks good. But it's got too much oil / cheese / bread for me to be interested in eating it. Thanks for cooking, though, honey!"
Mine is pretty supportive too I think he gets comfortable and starts slacking a little, if I don't point it out to him he doesn't seem to catch it....more so for his sake than mine. Like eating out for his lunch...it'll lead him to bring stuff home he wouldn't normally eat. He's very active & doesn't need to lose weight at all but he tells me he feels sluggish after eating bad :P duuh lol
I don't think that it was an overreaction. He needs to pay attention to what you are eating, and be more supportive in your weight loss journey. He needs to follow through and support you with actions, and not with just words.
time2lose, I can very much identify with your feelings. I came home once to find my green beans pan seared with way too much oil. I absolutely refused to eat them and made him eat them for several days at lunch instead.
When I was on my way down (and even now really) I was careful about my selections and how my food was prepared. I was so desperate to get my weight off I wanted to do whatever it took. I still feel that way now. I just could not and canoot bring myself to eat things I knew were/are sub-standard. Now, if I give in and CHOOSE to eat something I really do want--like a piece of homemade carrot cake--I will. Giving up desperately earned calories to eat something prepared incorrectly that will taste the same? NO WAY.
Good for you to stick to your guns. Try to explain to your husband how desperate you are to achieve your goals. Once mine understood how very important this was to me, he was on board 100%. In all honesty, if mine hadn't jumped on board pretty quickly I think it would have had devastating consequences. It really is about SO MUCH MORE than just weight or smaller clothes.
Definitely a tad of an over reaction, but I think a justified one. I go through this all the time, but not as much as I used to! My family is finally starting to get the swing of it... but still every now and then... argh!
It's especially bad when you were looking forward to something especially and they mess that up (like what happened with you) or when you find out that they had done something and didn't tell you about it (like finding out my grandma used regular oil, when she should have used olive or none at all - it drives me nuts and I know I'm a jerk because she didn't mean to forget!).
So, you end up feeling bad for your reaction... but really... do they WANT us to be unhealthy and blown up the way we used to be? Probably not. Someone's gotta protect our healthy living... and if it's not us, then who?
For the record the other nite I asked my hubby to go to the store and get me ONE serving size bag of chips. He came home with the big bag and said he couldn't find the small ones. My garbage disposal is still working fine!
Overreacting?? Nuts-O???? It is so nice to have a place to vent!
When I find myself being over the top angry about something fairly inconsequential, it is usually because the feelings are triggered by the principle of the thing...not the thing itself...Really, it's not the potatoes, it's what his actions represented. Frying potatoes in an inch of oil when you know your wife is living healthier isn't supportive. It represents the baked goods, him cooking his foods, him keeping the junk food in the house, the feeling that he isn't loving you in the way you need to be loved/cared for/supported. I totally understand where you were coming from!
It sounds like your feelings are justified, imho. Perhaps a calmer approach when the dust settles will help you to get your point across and help him to understand.
I think it would be perfectly appropriate in the future to make "your" food off limits, having a special cupboard just for your stuff or an entire shelf in the fridge just for you. Put your potatoes on your shelf or like you said, put a note on it, to be safe.
I agree, it's about the frustration of putting forth the effort to eat healthy and then not having your partner's full support.
I've posted many times about my husband doing these exact things...
Eating *all* the vegetables in the fridge (that I bought and prepped) and leaving *all* the fatty, junky crap (that HE bought and prepped).
Frying something I was going to saute.
Adding cream or cream cheese to my scrambled egg beaters.
Adding extra oil or egg nog to my reduced fat pancake batter.
Adding a whole stick of butter and some cream to a pan of mashed potatoes I was making.
Buying a CASE of coke when I am the only one who likes coke and told him I quit drinking it.
Buying huge amounts of chips, candy, muffins, cookies.
I think if there is a pattern of sabotage, we are a lot more likely to get angry than if it is a one time thing.
Lyn, to be honest, I would probably have undertaken serious counter-sabotage to get the point across to my husband if he acted like yours. "You didn't want your boxes of collectibles put in that musty old closet, honey? Gosh, I'm sorry, I was just re-organizing! You must feel bad, just like I do when you screw with my food choices. How awful."
Thank you for all the support and comments. I have calmed down but I think I do need to talk to my husband about this. There may have been some passive aggressiveness to this but, for the most part, I think that it was him being selfish. He likes grease, but he could have left some of the potatoes undone for me to do for myself.
His support comes and goes. There are times that he is very supportive but I just can't count on it. I have had to battle for some concessions on his part. At the beginning, we settled on some compromises. He has a spot for his junk and he is supposed to keep it out of sight. There have been a couple of times that he left something in sight that was a temptation for me and I put them in the garbage disposal. That taught him to put the junk up where I can't see it.
I have a shelf in the freezer to store my frozen food. He can't put anything on that shelf so that I am assured of the space to store my stuff.
I am concerned for more than me though. I have a 20 something year old son that had to move back in with us when his hours got cut at work. DS has a big weight problem and already has serious health problems. My husband has a big stomach and could lose 15 or 20 pounds but does not have a problem like me and my son. I have never said anything to my son about his weight or how he eats because I don't think it would do any good. You have to want to be healthy for yourself. However, I don't want to provide food that is harmful to my son. He will eat whatever we have so I really want to provide healthy food. DS likes my potatoes too.
I stress to my husband that I don't want to kill my son but he thinks that I am over reacting. I don't think I am. DS is much worse shape than I was at his age. His future scares me and so I want healthy food at home for him too.
Thanks for letting me vent and I appreciate all the good ideas.
I stress to my husband that I don't want to kill my son but he thinks that I am over reacting. I don't think I am. DS is much worse shape than I was at his age. His future scares me and so I want healthy food at home for him too.
I know you can't nag someone into losing weight, but I would sit down with your son and tell him this. He KNOWS you've struggled with weight and he has seen the impact it's had on your life. I bet a message that he's in worse shape than you were at the same age might hit home, or at the very least, give him food for thought.
And the positive side is that he's seen all the success you've had and therefore has a great role model to know that he can change and he can create a healthy life and future for himself.
Let's face it, food has been too important to us, before we were dieting and of course while we are dieting - I'm trying to cut out potatoes, white rice, white bread, and I really really don't like it. Those were all my favorite things!
I don't think you're overreacting. I think it was a clear case of "unconscious" sabotage on his part. It was also passive-aggressive behavior. Any time someone "forgets" something like that, especially after 18 months, their motives are suspect.
I hope you let him have it really good, so that he doesn't "forget" it again. Yes, they are only potatoes, but that's not the real issue. The real issue is whether he is going to take your needs and desires seriously or not.
Jay
I'm with Jay, and you spotted it for yourself too. After 18 months he does know better; and after your Onederland Wonder, it must feel depressing that he isn't as blown away as you are.
It's one meal and just food... Way way over-reacting on your part, I think. I've done it too, but that doesn't make the response right. If I want to eat a certain way I have to prepare it, my husband is pretty good with following instructions but I can't hold him accountable for my health when he prepares food. If he fries something up, I will either gracefully decline it or eat a small portion and count the calories (or my estimates). It's easy, no harm done. I then would remind him of my preferred preparation later and let it go.
Because as you said, it IS just potatoes, and they are not more important than the treatment of your spouse, or a justification to explode at him, even if he DID do it on purpose!
. He just tries to be nice & he still doesn't get he can eat a heck of a lot more than I can lol
