I can't compare my intentional weight loss to the grief of losing a loved one.
Maybe if I were to discover that I had to have a mastectomy and someone said, "well, at least you'll have your other breast" that might be a similar grief.
I've worked really hard at losing weight, and when someone wants to show me that they recognize that achievement, I'm going to acknowledge that gesture with grace. It's OK if my answer to their question is no:
"You must feel so much better!"
"You know, it's not so much how I feel, but I love these new clothes! Have you been working on your diet too?"
For me, how I feel (and my health improvements) is the CORE of my lifestyle change. The size 12 jeans and the awesome bod is just the sugar free-fat free frosting. I sure do feel better, in my body and about my body! (and I tell people that!)
Well, I get that comment a lot too, but it never occurred to me to take offense, because I do in fact feel MUCH better. I was not physically fit, at all at my high weight, but I used to go out and do 4 miles walks and stuff, so I wasn't so obese that I was immobile or anything.
But my body didn't feel good AT ALL. I had these big fat rolls that seemed to get in the way. My knees creaked. I had hoist myself in and out of chairs.
That being said, I'm basically a healthy person-- rarely sick, and not a complainer. So I wasn't walking around complaining about aches and pains, or even really thinking about them. I spent a lot of time in DENIAL-- not thinking about the fact that I was unable to do so many things I used to do.
When I walk up the stairs carrying my son who weighs forty pounds and realize that every single time I walked up the stairs it was like I was carrying two of him. Gosh. That just blows my mind. And the last year or two of obesity, I had a really big problem with my lower legs swelling at the end of long drives or work days. In fact, come to think about it, I used to get exhausted if I was at work and had to stand all day. I was always leaning on something and wishing I could sit down.
Oh, usually what they say to me is "you look like you've lost some weight."
I say, "yeah, about 30 pounds." They say, "pretty good work," or something like that. I do happen to feel better but it is in a "meh" sort of way. I can get up easier than 30 pounds ago, and walk up stairs without breathing as hard. That certainly does not mean that I am dancing around in happy land. I think a lot of people are way too hard on themselves and raise the bar too high-- maybe expecting miracles.
I too DO feel better. I wasn't 'ill' before but I often felt physically tired at the end of the day, uncomfortable in hot weather, embarassed when clothes shopping and exercising and all those things have gone so that must be 'better' right?
I feel a lot better too but I understand how that comment and my other fav "OMG you look *soo* much better!" can be a double edge sword. For me it just depends on the person that is saying it. A person that I know meant no harm and wanted to compliment me I generally say "Thank you! I can keep up with my crazy kids now lol" or with my other fav I just tell them thank you
Now for the people that do it in mean spirits I can kinda get mean back but they mostly know to not say anything to at least my face....well except one of my aunts. She thinks she is being smooth but we all know better.
The other day one she told me "OMG, Tanee, you look like a million times better than you did before you lost all of that weight!" and she did this in front of a lot of people at our local Winn Dixie. I was a little mean in my response and I thought my best friend was going to die laughing but I told her "I know...I am *such* a hottie now. Ummm" I paused.."well uh you are carrying your...ummm...age well" Bwahahaha! Her face was priceless!
Last edited by TJFitnessDiva; 03-12-2010 at 07:21 AM.
I was thinking about this some more. When people say that you "must feel so much better", they're going under the assumption that you didn't necessarily feel "bad" before - but NOW you must feel, ummm, well BETTER THAN BEFORE. Who wouldn't????
And they're right. I haven't heard one person here lose weight and say they don't feel better (whether it's 10 lbs, 150 lbs or anywhere in between). Physically, emotionally, whatever. Look at all our feel good, NSV and celebratory threads that we each start - we have so many of them for a reason - we FEEL so darn good about ourselves, what we've accomplished, etc. - that we want to share it with everyone here. We feel so good about it. We feel so much - better.
I was thinking about this some more. When people say that you "must feel so much better", they're going under the assumption that you didn't necessarily feel "bad" before - but NOW you must feel, ummm, well BETTER THAN BEFORE. Who wouldn't????
And they're right. I haven't heard one person here lose weight and say they don't feel better (whether it's 10 lbs, 150 lbs or anywhere in between). Physically, emotionally, whatever. Look at all our feel good, NSV and celebratory threads that we each start - we have so many of them for a reason - we FEEL so darn good about ourselves, what we've accomplished, etc. - that we want to share it with everyone here. We feel so good about it. We feel so much - better.
I agree that I feel 100% better physically since losing weight but I actually feel worse emotionally. Eating was how I coped with stress and I just don't find anything else works as well. I wish I could be thrilled like you and others but I feel like I gave up a lot when I gave up over eating.
Of course I wouldn't say "No I feel worse." to someone who complimented me because I know they are being nice.
The compliment minefield. I never mind any compliments, however awkwardly stated, because I know I DO feel better and I DO look better. It's true. Are some of those compliments meant in a condescending way? Maybe, but I ignore the tone and say thank you anyway.
However from reading this board and talking to folks I understand not everyone feels the way I do so I usually say things like, "you look nice" or "that looks nice on you."
I would hate to ignore someone's hard work by not complimenting them when I notice a change, but I try to keep it vague.
I agree that I feel 100% better physically since losing weight but I actually feel worse emotionally. Eating was how I coped with stress and I just don't find anything else works as well. I wish I could be thrilled like you and others but I feel like I gave up a lot when I gave up over eating.
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Can I just say that I am saddened that you feel worse emotionally and I hope that you will keep on searching to find something to ease your stress. Keep searching - because it's out there.
But can I ask you this, when you gave up that something - the overfeeding of yourself - do you not feel that you've GAINED so much in other areas? I understand that you've still got to find a way to deal with stress - but do you not feel that being slimmer and healthier was WORTH it? Yes, I've given up that high calorie/high quantity food - but I got back so much more in return. Can you look at it that way? Maybe? Perhaps? Can you maybe see that the food CAUSED waaay more stress than it "solved"? Because in the end, does it really provide you with long term stress relief? Isn't over feeding just a temporary "quick" fix that in the end doesn't wind up fixing much and actually brings about a whole other slew of issues?
Last edited by rockinrobin; 03-12-2010 at 08:42 AM.
LizR, what have you tried for stress relief? I could go back to being an emotional eater if I didn't indulge my "endorphin habit". But that doesn't work for everyone.
Other folks use meditation, yoga, knitting, yelling . I hope you can find something that can work for you.
I agree that I feel 100% better physically since losing weight but I actually feel worse emotionally. Eating was how I coped with stress and I just don't find anything else works as well. I wish I could be thrilled like you and others but I feel like I gave up a lot when I gave up over eating.
Of course I wouldn't say "No I feel worse." to someone who complimented me because I know they are being nice.
I think that’s a really brave and honest comment to make. My original point I was trying to make, was to caution folks from thinking that “as soon as I lose weight, I’ll be happy” or any external event really. “Once I find love, once I get my dream job, once I lose weight, once I do XYZ ….THEN I’ll be happy” the therapist in me balks at the notion that outside forces make us happy or unhappy. WE make us happy. Outside things change, we get fat again, we lose a partner, we lose a job, any number of things change and if THAT’s what our happiness is predicated upon, well you can see what a disaster that is. Work that we do on ourselves, knowing ourselves, finding ways to make us happy as we ARE, methods of coping that hopefully don’t include self-destructive behaviours, all these things are so important to life-long growth and happiness.
Well, as you can see from my ticker, I've not done well on the weight loss front. And, I feel like garbage! I have no energy, my knees hurts, I feel moody from too much sugar. When I was younger, the weight didn't bother me. However, as I've aged, the weight has finally taken it's toll.
I think everyone should just accept the compliments graciously. The majority of them aren't offered with a rude or demeaning spirit.
I felt heaps better at 226! But i know that now I'm back over 300 I did t at the time. It's sad but as I saw the weight carry on increasing I just thought no big deal I'll just lose it again I've done it before.
I remember having more stable moods I slept better and needed less sleep as I was getting better quality of sleep. But I admit at the time I never felt any different than being fat I guess it's just that the changes are so slow you get use to them
I think everyone should just accept the compliments graciously. The majority of them aren't offered with a rude or demeaning spirit.
I think you may have a point there! Perhaps at times we are reading a bit too much into it.
Sooo much better for me to hear these things to my face then probably what many were saying or most likely thinking behind my back.
Really, I am GRATEFUL to have these comments thrown my way. For every not so "bright" remark there are dozens of other well meaning, kind, caring and genuinely happy for me remarks. And again, I am grateful, more than grateful that I am in the position to warrant them.
I sure do feel better, in my body and about my body! (and I tell people that!)
Her face was priceless!
Eating was how I coped with stress and I just don't find anything else works as well. I wish I could be thrilled like you and others but I feel like I gave up a lot when I gave up over eating. 
