Why do sabotage our own efforts? Fail to take control of our wants VS our goals.........
Lets discuss this. Everyone give your input. Together we can resolve these issues if ... you apply what you learn. It is our choice after all. Personally I have observed that in life when we really want to achieve something we set up a goal ( whatever our desire is) set up a purpose (why we want it and what we are going to do to get it) and activity (taking action). Now you would be enough if it were a short term goal but what about those that take a long term commitment? Well something extra is needed because after a while our wants overtake our goals. The result is
we allow our goals and desires fall to the way side. Do we have ADT? No. So why does this happen to each and every one of us in one of the most important goals we could possibly set for ourselves? After all excess effects every aspect of our lives. It does you know. Self value, the ability to have freedom of movement, health (which determines more than we realize),how we relate to life, how life relates to us, relationships(with friends, family and aquaintances), sex, jobs, you name it!!!! Let alone avoiding people, places situtations well the list is endless. SO....
Why in God's name would we let go of a goal that will determine what our quality of life is? I am sure there are many reasons but the most important part of our success is focus, plain and simple.
Ya'll know I am intensely serious about freeing myself from this fat prison I have lived with all my life. Due to that fact no matter how many times I fell I came bouncing back. I have asked myself this question more times than I can tell you. I have spent many hours and prayers in self evaluation. I have learned so much here yet still I have experienced the loss of focus.
As for me.... Stress is a factor, self induced or otherwise but the lack of focus.....mmmmm. Let's be honest. It isn't a matter of self control. We hesitate, we think about and finally choose to eat what we know will ruin all our efforts. We choose to let go.
Is it that we feel deprived? Well sometimes times but you have to admit that is pretty dumb and when I am dumb I am dumb all over!!! Now in facing reality, I know I have in my life had much more than my share of whatever I am craving. I have had to many peoples share in fact. When I am done and have reached goal ...in moderation I can have whatever I want. The worlds supply of food and goodies will not vanish by then..right?
Focus. I have found it is a quality that must be reinforced daily until by repeation it becomes an automatic response, like breathing. I am working at it now. How easily I can be side tracked. Caring for my family, seeing to the house, friends , church, good things bad thing, whatever. I have learned I have to keep my focus on me to some degree without fail. On weight loss. I take time no matter what to incorperate weight loss into everything I do. Is it obsessive... it may seem that way but it is not. The easiest thing in the world is to totally forget it. Everyday I will read something about it, remind myself vacuuming is an added exercise, choose my foods for the next day, look at clothes in small sizes I want to be able to wear, research types of exercise for those problem areas, plastic surgery for loose skin, hairstyles, you name it. I do this for my life , my family and my goals. It is working. I do not discuss it outside of here as it is an internal process not an exterior one. I do this because I have to give to me so that I have more to give others, I do this for all of those precious people who love me and care about me as well as to be loving to myself. Until I care about me as much as others do
I am cheating them and myself out of all the things we could do would do and most of all the person I have never allowd them to experience ...the woman hidden beneath the prison of fat.
What do you think?
Pam
oh geez, pam. you HAD to open this can of worms, didn't you???? well, i'll just have to answer later. no time right now. but i promise you: i'll be thinking about everything you wrote today, as i try to stay on track and not snack, even if it's on protein.
Oiy Pam!
I think that we have all had those same feelings and revelations at one time or another. You are absolutely right when you say that you need to learn to give to yourself, in order to give to others. Don't cheat yourself of the person you know you are.
Quote:
I do this because I have to give to me so that I have more to give others, I do this for all of those precious people who love me and care about me as well as to be loving to myself.
I tend to put others as my top priority at all times. I often do not take the time and energy that I need to care for myself. That is mainly what this weight loss journey is about for me. Putting myself first for something. By putting myself and my needs before those of others, I am learning to like myself more and can give that positive energy back to my family and others.
Personally, I think I sabotage myself out of boredom. Being a stay home mom is OK, but then I'm also alone with the kids an average of three to four nights as well as every day. I try to keep myself busy, but it usually turns into another half-finished project tossed into my closet.
I try very hard to be the person that I was in college, the one that my dh married, but realize that so much in my life has changed, that none of us are the same people we were ten years ago and it has nothing to do with weight gain or loss.
I agree that it's always easier to put someone else's needs before my own. I have a real problem with the "I've already blown today" mentality. As in I already ate one brownie and ruined the day so I might as well just start fresh tomorrow. Then I give myself permission to binge just one last time.
HA! I've been bingeing one last time for literally years! Isn't that the ultimate form of self-sabotage? Procrastination? I've put off beginning so much that the vicious cycle never seems to end.
I think for me is a deep rooted feeling somewhere deep down that getting to goal weight is something that I won't really be able to accomplish. I don't believe enough in my ability to lose weight. It's ironic that many obese people know nearly everything there is to know about dieting, nutrition, exercise, fat and carb grams, etc. I am so good at planning but I don't follow through.
I have yo-yo'd for years but have not been below 200 in at least a decade. I don't know exactly why I don't have enough faith in myself to accomplish losing all of the weight I want to. I have shed so many tears over how I've let myself go. I have always "felt fat" even when I was just a little overweight. When I see pictures of myself in high school, I looked pretty darn good. Same with college. But I never saw myself as having a good figure. I never enjoyed being 5'9" and 150 pounds. In my mind, I was still big.
Right now I'm focusing on exercise and making that a 5x's a week goal. It's a significant but not overwhelming goal. Then I'll add the not eating after dinner goal. I'm trying to make small changes.
So, I don't have an easy answer. I still don't know why it's so hard to believe in myself. I've accomplished lots of other things in my life I've wanted to do. Hopefully understanding myself on this weight loss journey won't always prove so elusive. If I figure out how to truly believe in myself, I'll jump on this forum and send a screaming message in all caps! Or if anyone else has already figured out how to avoid self-sabotage and truly believe in themselves, please let us all know!
I think I have sabatoged myself when I am depressed. When I get down, I dont seem to care about myself and just eat, eat, eat. When my marriage was bad (the last few years of it)-I put on an alarming amount of weight. Before we seperated I did lose 30 pounds but didnt lose more due to all the stress. Afterwards I have lost 34 more. But still sometimes I feel down or stressed and eat too much of the wrong types of food-junk food!!
Now I am feeling good about myself for sticking to a healthy eating plan and feel pride in the fact I am losing weight. I also have a guy thats been "talking" to me at work (if you know what I mean)-its great to get some male attention again and it's weird how when you feel great it's so much easier to do the right things!!
Jinkies..... Oh Boy do I relate! My Darling your story is the story of my life with a twist. My highest weight was 475 lbs ...at the age of 16! In one year of marriage I went from 180 something to 475!
Yes this was a good marriage!!!!! I have done the same thing especially the one last meal or I have blown it so.... what a merry go round we get into. Do you really think it is a lack of faith in your self or rather a lack of real modivation. It is so much easier just to carry on as usual. How many of us think this is just to hard and to much effort just to fail! That was my easy way out after all here I sat with 225 lbs to lose. Talk about overwhelming. We give up before we begin . I did that, not because I didn't believe I could do it but becuase I didn't care enough about me to take those small steps. 10 lb goal, then 10 more, and 10 more and so on. So far I have lost over 70 lbs and kiddo if I can do it you certainly can. I have done a massive amount of self examination along the way as anyone on this board can attest to and it was so worth it. Along time ago we had a great discussion going about this process and how much we give up our lives for the sake of eating. Don't wait like I did until you are staring 50 in the face to claim the life God gave you. Is it a sacrifice to do a weight loss program? Sure it is but what you are really sacrificing is the lack of self value that comes with being over weight, the loss of your thighs rubbing together, raw skin, fat clothes, avoiding people and situtations, staying home when you would much rather go with others to some fun place or to do something fun, the limitaions we have on us by virtue of being big, embarassment of not fitting in through or over something everyone else can and a hundred other things this is what you are lossing in reality, this is what you are letting go of by reducing your weight. Is it worth it? You bet your sweet *## it is! The feeling of achieving those small goals , the personal growth along the way and the knowledge of the freedom from all those things being fat has stolen from us including health, the damage to our bones. Trust me I found out the hard way. You have a whole future with all the possibilities in life awaiting you if you just reach out and take hold of you. Go for it , you will never be sorry you did.
Boredom believe it or not is not something I am familair with. There is so much to do, to learn,to write, to paint to crochet to sew to cook to whatever. Even when I am unable to function ( like now) my mind is always busy and I guess if there is one real positive about my personality it is that I enjoy my own company. With the web the whole world opened up to me aand having been a shut in for so many years that was a God send. Everything is on the web and allows me to see places I always wanted to, to research whatever I have a fancy but be it coloring butterflies and flowers or on the web I do enjoy what I am doing.
I even have a paint by number of a Victorian scene I look forward to doing. Since my hands have lost the dexterity to do the art work I did years ago it allows me to be creative in this minute way but I am still very creative in other ways. My Gosh I have a whole house to decorate and three acres to landscape. Planning and sketches I can still do!!! Stress was my battle ground and so far so good but just as with my weight loss it can only be dealt with one day at a time....one step at a time.
Pam
Wow--what a powerful and positive message. I've been doing a lot of self-examination too lately--I'm turning 35 soon and I really don't want to continue feeling unhealthy, out of control, and unhappy. I want to truly live and enjoy life, not just exist and watch other people enjoy all the benefits of a healthy body.
I wonder some times if it's not just a lack of faith in my ability to lose weight. I think right now I blame so much unhappiness on my weight that if I got to goal weight, what would I do? If someone snubs me, it wouldn't be because I'm fat. If I don't accomplish something, it wouldn't be because I'm fat--it would be because of me. I don't know if that's 100% true for me but it's worth thinking about. As much as I hate weighing what I do, I think the fat psychologically insulates me from getting hurt. It's easier to be the fun, "jolly" fat girl that is no threat to anyone.
I'm so happy that some of the women on this forum are in their 20s and getting a handle on their health and happiness. I've already wasted a lot of time and I don't want to waste anymore.
So, I'm off to the gym soon to go for 5 days in a row of exercising! It's also a chance to focus on me and think about the changes I'm making and will make.
And I think the belief in myself will come as I accomplish more of these small goals that will lead me to my ultimate goal--a healthy, fit body and mind inside and out.
I think somewhere along the line, I have become someone who is Lazy and very reliant on instant gratification. Someone's tag line says "Don't give up what you really want for what you want right now" That's me. I wake up, I do good, I get the munchies, the cookies are there. "Oh, what the heck!!" For me it's about feeling good. And food is my feel good. I am always giving in. Basically I do what I want. When I do good, it's because I'm in a groove and doing good is easy at the moment. When it becomes hard, I quit. I don't want to call it willpower, but self-control, I have none. (maybe they are the same thing). 90% of the time if I want to eat something, I do. If I don't feel like exercising, I don't. Sometimes I push myself, but more often I am "nice" to myself. If you look at it though, by being "nice" to myself, I am just keeping myself in this Fat place that haunts me every day.
I know what the answers are. Planning, points (for me), water, daily exercise. But it never lasts. I've been good for months at a time, but usually it doesn't last over 2 weeks. How do you keep it going? I guess you just do. I need to just MAKE myself do it. I think that way, get all pumped up, and then I putter out and get the "What the heck" attitude.
And Jinkies, I think I may be the queen of "I've already blown it".
There is much to think about. Gbo, thanks for the great thread.
Oh my Darlings, I totally understand. I have lived so many, many years with all those actions and attitudes. It took me way to long to get It, as Dr. Phil would say. I think the word control is made into a monster that doesn't really exist. Jinkies, sweet Jinkies you have control you just have not exercised it yet and like a muscle you have to build up the strength in it. What is control really? I think it is simply a matter of keeping a focus and being determined to about it. I think it applies to all factors of life. Know what you want, why you want it and then do it. You have to keep your goals in mind. In point of fact try to imagine how you would feel, what you would do, feel the freedom of movement. Jump a fense in your mind. A little visualization goes a long way. See your self shopping for clothes at Fredericks or what ever. I know it works. Once many years ago after a car wreck that crushed my left wrist, ripped out the inside of my face, and left massive deep brusing all over my body, I had developed a total fear of being in a car. I screamed if a car turned a mile down the road. I neede to drive again. After the year and a half of healing and physical therapy I could not drive due to histeria. I was a nightmare as a passenger let alone drive the thing. A very wise woman told me to take an hour , sit and picture myself driving without fear, confident of my ability to handle what ever situtation occured on the road. See Trucks passing me cars without signaling and so on. I Thought that was silly but she kept after me. Make it real she said, so real you can see it , smell it, touch it. well, it took awhile but evidently with my head laying on the kitchen table, I drove. I did feel it, see it and touch it. So much so that I jumped up ran to the phone and called my friend to tell her in all my excitement I had just driven my car with no problems, just like I used to. We were all excited! My Mother, walked into the room after I got off the phone and said "um, dear, you haven't left the house. You were sitting with your head on the table the whole time, you haven't really done it." I recall clearly staring at her as though she had suddenly turned into a martian and it dawned on me slowly she was right! Well I guess I had better go do it as I have already told everyone of my success! I did just that and was never afraid again. Try it! You will be amazed at the results. See your self doing all the things it takes to get where you want to be. Make your image real. Like anything else in life it takes practice. See the weight loss, see your joy along the way, feel it,smell it , touch it. See your success and you at goal the differences to your life. You will be surprised at the results. As far as people who don't like you or ignores you......so what! Their loss not yours. No one like everyone. There are always people whose chemistry rubs you or you them, the wrong way. The people who love you no matter what are all that counts. With your new added confidence you will have more friends and loved ones than you know what to do with. That fat safe person only means you are not a threat to the other persons confidence. That my Darling is their problem and of no concern. We all have personal inner challenges to meet and that is theirs!
Pam
Self Sabotage..........
