An old friend of mine popped online the other day. I hadn't heard from her in months, and to be honest we haven't had a good conversation since I moved a couple of years ago. We used to work together and would often go shopping or out to lunch, and would sometimes vacation in her parent's cabin. And with both of us having a lot of weight to lose, we also used to diet and exercise together. Long story short, I really miss having her as a friend.
I think part of the reason we stopped talking was that she was angry at me for moving across the country to be with "some guy" I'd met online. She was having relationship struggles at the time, so I'm sure part of it was envy as well. Soon after I left she had a long-distance relationship herself, eventually moving to a whole other country to bridge the gap. She apologized to me and told me she finally understood what I'd been going through with the whole long-distance thing, but it hasn't been the same between us since.
Anyway, when she popped on IM the other day she was quick to tell me that she'd gained some weight but that she'd recently lost ten pounds and wanted to know how I was doing. I told her that was awesome and that I hoped she continued to do well. I then let her know that I've been working really hard and have lost almost thirty in the past few months (making a total of over one hundred lost since I've known her) and then linked her to some photos. She immediately had to go and I haven't heard from her since.
I really wasn't trying to act smart about it; she asked how I was doing after bringing up her own weight loss. I'm not sure if I'd hurt her feelings or angered her or what. I'd rather this not feel like a competition, and I'm not exactly gonna hide my weight loss when she's brought up her own just in order to save her feelings. I don't know, maybe the photos were too much?
I'm not sure why I expected any different, but it hurts. We went through a lot of good and bad stuff together. I've tried talking to her many times since the move, but there's no longer a connection and I don't know how to reach her anymore. There's only so much I can do . . . I've even tried to see things from her point of view but both of our lives have changed so much. I still want her in mine but don't know if she feels the same.
It makes me wonder if I should keep my weight loss to myself after all . . .
This is going to sound harsh, but it is HER problem, not yours. If you aren't being smug about it (which it certainly doesn't sound like you are), the problem lies with her.
You shouldn't feel the need to hide your weight loss or lie when asked because other people cannot deal with it.
If it sounded like you were being a jerk about it my advice would be way different... but going from your entire post she can't deal with things maturely or rationally and the problem lies with her, not you.
that's a tough one. losing 100 lbs is a huge accomplishment. It's natural to want to share that kind of thing with a friend. There's really no way to know what your friend is going through, or what that 10lbs means to her and how she's thinkng of it -- wow, I did it! or man, that's all I've managed to do!! I know for me, that can even change from day to day, depending on my mood! Such a sensitive topic, and personal.
she also may feel like you kept her out of the loop of such a big change in your life.
maybe, if you're interested in getting back in sync with her, you can start sharing more stuff that's going on with you that's less loaded. the holidays can be the perfect time for that, sending a t-day card, xmas card, seasons greetings package, whatever. good luck!
I agree with nooch -- it's her problem, not yours. You weren't being smug about your weight loss, just honest, and there is NO reason you should have to hide that -- it's great that you've come so far! It sounds to me like she's insecure. Which is too bad, it's no fun to be insecure, but at the same time, I feel like a truly good friend should be happy for you when you do something good for yourself.
You're not responsible for how she reacts to you. And don't forget, we're all here for you!
A lot of this is perspective. I think the responses this post would be getting would be very different if it was your friend writing, and she said:
"I was trying to recommect with an old friend, and I was so excited that I'd lost 10 lbs, and when I asked my friend how she was doing, she didn't just tell me she'd lost 30 lbs, but she told me how hard SHE has been working to do so (maybe trying to imply that I was not) and THEN she linked to photos to show off her 100 lb loss. Maybe I shouldn't have taken it so personally, after all I did ask, and maybe she didn't mean anything by her comments or the photos, but I just felt like I'd been kicked in the face. I didn't handle it very well, and made excuses why I couldn't chat longer. I've tried to see it from her point of view, but I haven't heard from her since. I'm hurt and embarassed, and I don't know if I should call her or wait for her to call me."
Same situation, different interpretations (I'm not saying this was your friend's perspective, just that it might have been, and the response would have been very different).
Regardless, are either of you right, or wrong (or at least entirely so)?
I don't think so - each of you are entitled to your own feelings, and your own interpretation of the event. And the friendship will either be saved (or not) by both of you being able to understand and acknowledge the other's point of view (not necessarily agree with it).
You need to be proud of your weight loss and shouldn't need to filter it around those that you care about. It's hard when a friend is having success and you're not - but no matter what, you should be happy with it and find it as a motivation to step it up for yourself. It sounds like your friendship is quite broken and with those kind of feelings, perhaps she took your comment. "Oh well I lost 100 pounds" - regardless you should NEVER have to be careful what you say and how you say it. That's not what true friendship is about.
It's hard sometimes to let go of relationships, but it seems as though judgments came in between the two of you, and you have been drifting apart for some time. Maybe she did feel bad that she had lost 10 pounds and you had lost more. The best way to handle it might be to just ask her, or say "I hope you didn't feel bad..." and see if you can continue the conversation that way.
At the same time, you may just want to let the friendship go. Sometimes relationships change and there's nothing to be done.
As for whether you should share about your weight loss--well, the two of you had been sharing about weight loss, so it's not as though you "blindsided" her. I'd say that you shouldn't be afraid to share about how well you have done, with people whom you trust.
I'm in agreement with Kaplods. Even though you certainly didn't mean to come across as smug or a one-upper, it probably came across that way to your friend. With that said, I also agree that the way she reacts to you is her problem, not yours.
Thank you so much for the responses! I've been trying to give this a lot of thought, especially now that I've attempted to write out what happened.
Kaplods, I totally get what you're saying there. Since I have no clue what's going on in her life these days (other than what she chooses to share on facebook) it's really difficult to feel out what's going on, and I can only imagine she may have taken on a similar point of view as to what you posted. Plus it's so hard to understand the tone of a conversation when you're only talking on IM. I've even tried to imagine how it would feel had I been the one to lose ten pounds only to hear that she'd lost so much more. I guess it would depend on my state of mind at the time, if I was feeling confident or insecure.
I can only hope she knows I didn't mean to come off as smug or hurtful.
I have to admit I'm a bit hurt to find out she recently visited the states for a full month and didn't bother to tell me (I can't afford an international flight right now but probably could have made a trip to the midwest to meet up with her) so she's not the only one that may be feeling out of the loop. I found this out last week when her mom said hi to me on IM (her mom has been like a mother to me); she didn't make any mention of it this last time she spoke to me either (not that she really had time to after running off so fast).
I'm guessing her mom probably mentioned to her that we talked, and is probably what prompted her to say hi to me when she did. I'm not sure what she was wanting or expecting. Maybe just say hi and catch up? Maybe she had something more serious on her mind and decided to drop it after the direction our conversation went? I haven't seen her signed in once since then.
I'm also remembering how I felt when I had gained weight back in the day, not wanting to see any of my old friends out of shame and embarrassment. Obesity is such a complex disease! It's so much more than what it does to your physical health, it pays such a toll on your mental health as well. I think that possibly . . . she was used to me being the one that wanted to hide. I used to be the one afraid to do things on my own. I was always the bigger, heavier one, even when we were losing together. I think it initially shocked her that I decided to move away, that I actually fought to gain my independence, that I made things happen in my life instead of just letting things happen to me like I always used to. I'm wondering if the whole status quo thing has been disturbed, that maybe she had her reasons for not letting me know she was in the states. Maybe she's the one that wants to hide now? There's only so much I can do to reach her.
I've told her many times that I miss her. We've apologized to each other over our differences since the move, both recognizing that we went through a lot of changes in our personal lives that wouldn't make things easy for *any* relationship (we were both living with abusive boyfriends for a time, urging each other to get out but unsure of how to handle it once it actually happened). But it doesn't feel like it's fixed anything between us, and it's downright depressing.
I think I've mostly moved on, but every once in a while something like this pops up and makes me wonder if I did something wrong. I do understand that people, even if they were the best of friends with the best of intentions, sometimes grow apart. Maybe what's made this difficult for me is that I haven't made any friends since I've moved (not counting my boyfriend). I've recently started going out again and am hoping to change that soon, but it's been a bit rough as I was never really the outgoing type (although I feel that changing as we speak).
Well, thanks for listening and once again for the replies, I'm feeling a little better.
I don't think you did anything wrong. You have such a great accomplishment, it's only natural you wanted to share it. Her not telling you she was just in the States isn't the sign of someone who is genuine in her intent to reconnect with you. Although who knows what go through people's heads. Maybe she thought you wouldn't want to see her? Sometimes when people assume things without asking, they conjure up a whole scenario as a way of not dealing with actual facts. Example: She may have thought you either would not want to spend the money on a flight, or that you didn't have the money, where would you stay, if you flew out would she feel obligated to spend the whole time with you, etc etc etc. There are a million different scenarios here.
Bottom line is, you're a good person. You did nothing wrong. You have a lot to be proud of.
This is going to sound harsh, but it is HER problem, not yours. If you aren't being smug about it (which it certainly doesn't sound like you are), the problem lies with her.
You shouldn't feel the need to hide your weight loss or lie when asked because other people cannot deal with it.
If it sounded like you were being a jerk about it my advice would be way different... but going from your entire post she can't deal with things maturely or rationally and the problem lies with her, not you.
It sounds to me like she's jealous, but not ready to commit to her own life change, and taking that out on you. I'm sorry she's proved not to be the kind of friend you need, but you have shown yourself to be such a positive person here on the boards that I'm sure that type of friend will find her way into your life before long.
Maybe someday your old friend will come around and realize what she gave up, but until that happens you don't need that negativity in your life.
I have a long-time friend and one of her main motivations to lose weight is for me to tell her I'm on a diet. She is one of the most competitive people I know. I've know this for years so I just let her do it and claim the fame. It doesn't hurt me and besides, five years ago she was diagnosed with myesthenia gravis so I have to be grateful I don't have to deal with that. It sounds like your relationship with your friend was based on food and now that's gone for her. You'll have to move on and find people who won't feel threatened by your weight loss. Don't risk having this negative influence in your life. She's not the devil; just not in the same place you are.
Um, it seems to me that you really can't hide weight loss! She'd have figured it out when she saw you in person. At least this way you haven't travelled to reunite with her only to get hurt.
When talking about weight loss is too much
You're not responsible for how she reacts to you. And don't forget, we're all here for you!
Her not telling you she was just in the States isn't the sign of someone who is genuine in her intent to reconnect with you. 
