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Old 05-19-2002, 10:41 PM   #1
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Question A Question about Honesty...

First of all, before I ask it and comment, I want to say this is NOT directed at ANYONE to make them feel guilty. I want to especially say that to Sandi since this happened with her this week, but my thought and question is not a direct result of that. Sandi- PLEASE do not take this question as anything but a question, because that's all that it is, really

How honest do you really think we need to be with people? I can list a few examples of what I mean. I have a website on the internet. By anyone in the world surfing into it, they will instantly know what I weigh (except for the fact I haven't updated it from my loss last week.) But, I felt really embarrassed for a few minutes and almost couldn't tell my brother the website address yesterday, because I didn't want him to see the numbers in black and white... but I did it. I figured if I could let millions of strangers see the truth about how heavy I was, I should be able to let my beloved brother see the truth, but it was incredibly hard for me to do. Then there are the times we suffer setbacks. Sometimes we have huge gains, and there could be very good reasons why, or it could simply be that we failed. I personally feel that those are important times for me to at least be honest with myself, and I feel that I personally need to be honest with you guys as well about those slipbacks. It is incredibly hard for me as a person to be this honest about myself, my weight, my issues, my life... but I am doing it because I know that if I do not "confess" these things to others, I can simply explain them away. I had played mind games with myself about them for years. And I have appreciated the times that you have "confessed" your slip ups to me, because I feel like you trust me, and I can learn from your mistakes.

But how honest do we really need to be?? Do you feel that you should "confess" every pound?? Are some slip ups too bad to be "confessed"? If we are truly being honest with ourselves, can we really avoid that scale monster, or avoid telling others what he said?? I'm just wondering what you all feel about that.

I will tell you right now that I am terrified of some things on this "walk" I am on. First of all, I will tell you this is the first time I have ever managed to lose more than 5 lbs when I was trying to lose weight. I have never before made ANY successful attempt at this without severe illness playing a role in that. I am so afraid of failing. Should I be? I have no idea. Maybe that fear keeps me motivated. But at the same time, I saw myself making bad decisions about what I ate this weekend. Is it going to kill me? No! But am I really determined to succeed at this if the first weekend I have a good reason to eat whatever the heck I want I eat whatever the heck I want? I'm not sure. I don't know what the scale monster will say Tuesday. I don't know if I will have a good "excuse" if he says something bad. I might need to just admit to failure. But to be honest, although I know that every time I fail, you are there to pick me up, and encourage me, the same way I try to be with you all, I am frightened of posting my weight if I do gain.... Because that will mean I have to admit, in cold hard numbers, that this week I failed. Sure I was sick. But did I really have to eat the foods that I did? Probably not. Will I dust myself off and go back on that wagon again?? Most definately.

I think I am feeling rather bummed tonight as well, and maybe that's the reason behind my deep thoughts. I thought I looked GREAT today. I thought I looked skinnier. I thought I looked really good. But not one single person made one single compliment to me. Not until I told my grandmother outright that I had lost 30 lbs did I get one compliment. When I told Greg about it tonight, he said "well I noticed the change, but I didn't say anything and I'm sorry." I was pretty devastated... But all I can do is pick up the pieces and move on I guess..

I'm really interested to hear what you all think about this... So please be honest with me. I know you will.
Beth Anne
The Ability to persevere is what separates whiners from winners.

My Blog

Last edited by BA99TJ; 05-20-2002 at 09:44 AM.
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Old 05-19-2002, 11:37 PM   #2
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Default (((Beth Anne)))

My husband doesn't even know how much I weigh. When I went in to my prenatal appointments, even *IF* he was with me... he wasn't allowed to look at the scale or be in the room when I was weighed. I have this big phobia with the numbers. That is one of the reasons why you all don't see me posting numbers here. I think the numbers are evil... I know how much I weigh. And by me being here, you all can pretty much assume that I weigh about 100 pounds more than what I'd like to. I will be honest here. If I screw up, I will either post my screw-ups... or hide! LOL!!

I don't feel that I have to state numbers to be honest. My failure is in not taking seriously the health risks that come along with my weight. I feel that I cause my family some fear, as they know that diabetes, heart attacks, poor circulation, etc., run in the family. I know that my sisters would love to see me take the weight off.... I know that their size 6-8-10 bodies look better and are healthier than mine.

I think sometimes I hide the numbers because I may not look as much as I weigh. I carry the weight well. I'm big-boned, strong, carry myself well. I wear jeans every day. I know a lot of women my size are not able to wear jeans (or do not feel comfortable in jeans). I think perhaps I haven't dealt with the numbers, or I'm in denial of the numbers.

That you have a website with "the numbers".... in my eyes, you are a very strong, brave woman. That you share that website with family and/or friends.... makes me know that you are a woman that I would be proud to know. Do I feel that you have to be honest with the truth? I think it's a very personal thing. Maybe that alone would make me take things more seriously with myself. If I shared the numbers..... It's a great fear of mine.

I want the weight OFF. Most days, I feel that I have failed myself... that I've wimped out.... that I'm failing my children by not providing them with the mother that they deserve. But I know in my head that I'm an awesome mom. I just wish that I would be *THE* mom. I don't ever want my children to suffer, or be ridiculed, because their mommy is *FAT*.... I'd so much rather be *PHAT*!!!!! <GRIN>

I can offer you many, many ((((Hugs)))) tonight. My ears, as I'm a great listener... My shoulder if you ever need to cry. I may not always have answers, but who does???

I'm in the fight with you! If you have a crappy, horrible day... I've probably been right there with you! I'm amazed each and every day with the support on these boards, and I'm proud to be here with you all!
Sandi K.
Looking toward a healthy future!

"Courage is being afraid but then doing what you have to do anyway"

~Harold Giuliani
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Old 05-20-2002, 12:23 AM   #3
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I totally understand where you are coming from. Just a bit of a look into my past weeks. I could not bare to tell my husband (or anyone else for that matter ) how much I weighed. I do a low impact workout everymorning in my livingroom, I would send my husband to the bedroom or elsewhere just so he couldnt see, I was/am ashamed of the way I look and I'm totally embarassed by it.

I made a chart and hung it on the back of my bedroom door, showing my start weight and etc. That is how he found out. Then I forced myself to do my workout with him in the room, and everyday he sits at his computer and I do my routine, it is getting easier (though he is still not allowed to look).
My oldest daughter even stood behind me one morning and laughed at me. Talk about a heartache. I started crying instantly because they do not understand what it is like, as much as they may want to, they never will unless they fill our shoes.

It is easier to tell a million strangers, you dont "personally" know them, and even though their opinions may bother you, they are quickly put aside. It's diffrent when opening up to someone you love and care about. If they would look down at you, its not so easily brushed off and it hurts for a long time.
You don't have to tell the world everything...the only person you need to be honest with is yourself. Do it for you! If you are feeling better about yourself **Congratulations** that alone is an amazing thing... Even if you dont get those words we all long to hear... You can feel the diffrence .. You can see the diffrence and it feels GOOD ! you know it ! so be happy and proud at what you have accomplished. Just keep moving forward, you have come this far you know you can do it.

We will be here for you, no matter if you lose 100 pounds, gain 100 pounds or never change at all. I have not been around the boards very long and I have not ever personally talked with you, but I can tell from your posts that you are a very kind and caring woman. You are a beautiful person inside and out! Yes, I have looked at your webpages and yours was one that inspired me to create my own. (coming soon to a website near you)

Ok... enough babbling.. I have a horrible tendency to do so... my posts could easily turn into a book if I'd let it.


Last edited by Zap; 05-20-2002 at 01:15 AM.
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Old 05-20-2002, 08:19 AM   #4
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<groan> oh, what a monster you've let loose with this one, bethanne!!!

this is a BIG issue with me, and unfortunately, i have to grab a protein shake and go to that 'freelance, maybe real' job.

more later.

but one thought before i go: it's essential that we do whatever we have to in order to survive. if that means we keep quiet about some things, then fine. if it means that we do something different, something we've never done before so that we're out of our comfort zone and on a new path, then that's fine too.
Start your day with a smile, and get it over with.
Keeping it off is a hundred decisions a day that help you maintain what you achieved. And that's the hard part. - L Sanders

start: 506 [Sept 2001]
weight at gastric bypass [Jan 29, 2002]: 409
current weight: 225
weight for plastic surgery: 200
final goal: 180

Posts by members, moderators and admins are not medical advice. See your physician before taking advice found on the internet.
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Old 05-20-2002, 08:51 AM   #5
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I'm here for you, too! Just keep trying. Like I said before I plateaued for 3 1/2 weeks with no cheating. I could feel a difference, but no weight loss. Eventually, scientifically, it has to come off. I visualize alot. My family has noticed a change in my attitude. I wear some makeup now when I've always been a neutral/natural type person. I have one of the new bright nailcolors on. I've subscribed to a fashion magazine for people like myself. My daughter actually likes the clothes I've been buying. What I can't find I've discussed making it with my sewing machine. By making these attitude changes, my family has taken notice even though the visual weight loss isn't recognizable yet. They respect my choice not to join them in what they're eating although I appreciate their asking me if I want some. I told them to keep asking me even though I really don't miss it anymore. Once my family saw that I was making style changes, I began to get supportive comments like, "You seem more energetic" or "You're doing great".

We have nothing to hide. We're all in this together.
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Old 05-20-2002, 09:39 AM   #6
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Well...since my name leads the post...I feel I must respond.

I do feel that you need to be honest. Everyone here knows I had a HUGE gain, and if you look at my post Breaking the cycle, everyone knows why. I don't know that you need to know every single pound. You need to know if I'm doing good or bad so you know if you need to be my cheering section or my shoulder or foot (to kick me in the butt!! ) I feel I was VERY honest about my setback, even if I didn't share my numbers. I don't think there are any rules or requirements about honesty. I think you share as much as you feel comfortable.

I also agree with you about the compliments thing. There are so many times when I feel like I am having a "great" day and no one says a word. I hear ya!!

The Secret is: CONSISTENCY
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Old 05-20-2002, 09:57 AM   #7
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Thanks all for your advice... opinions... etc.

I think that maybe I should realized that I am too fixated on the numbers... and that's not what's important. But then again, I feel like if I leave a "blank" I'm trying to hide something... and at this point, although I'm not as brave as the girl on a website I found who poses for all her progress pics in a bra and panties... I haven't hidden much.

I guess it really is a personal thing what you share and what you don't.. I finally told my husband what I weighed, just so he could stop being such a jerk about the whole thing and really understand what I was going through and how much each pound meant. Now that he knows, he (for the most part) has been much more supportive of me.

Beth Anne
The Ability to persevere is what separates whiners from winners.

My Blog

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Old 05-20-2002, 10:05 AM   #8
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Sandi.. you are such a hoot! TBA - you made me

I think the answer Beth Ann you are looking for is only inside of you. I know it's a bummer to hear that.. sometimes we just want an answer!

For the most part I need to be honest - but I haven't gained yet.. (only 4 weeks op) - ask me in a couple of weeks! But 5 weeks ago I had every excuse in the book - and I believed them - that was MY problem.

A couple of weeks ago I went to a great scrapping event till 1 am - they supplied supper - pizza - and all the junkfood you could want! - brownies, chips, nachos - the list went on. This was my first time meeting any of these people (we just moved to this town in March) and I could have eaten anything I wanted - or as much as I wanted. I knew I had to be honest - not because of who they are - but because of me! I told them I was on weight watchers and that I was trying to watch what I ate. I had one slice of pizza (square slice ~7 pts), salad (brought from McDonalds 3 pts) and about 1/4 cup of M&Ms (~5 pts) - that was a success! If I didn't admit I was dieting I would have had 3 slices of pizza, skipped the salad, and a bowl full of M&Ms

The moral is... think of honesty as a tool to reach your (mini) goal. Use it for good - rather then shame yourself with it.

I hope this helps!


235/225/212 10% mini goal and I'm 5 foot nothing!!!
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Old 05-21-2002, 03:06 AM   #9
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Darlins Listen,
It is important to be honest and freeing too but I will tell you I choose to be selective about giving my weight out. Here I let it all hang out not just because I know you understand but because it is my therapy of total accountability. I was very hard when I stuck for so long for months and was totally OP. who could believe it but my calories were to low.Lower than I realized. I am selective truthfully in order to keep negative imput away from me. It took me a while to tell anyone but you all I was even dieting at all just because I did not want the looks of yeah, right , again huh? and the failures of the past to keep popping up.I need my head in the right place and do not open myself to emotional sabatoge though well meaning. As I have a wide variety of health issues that occur and a body resistant to weight loss it is my battle to wage and I choose to, for the most, part keep it here. Here people know the battle and stand behind you. prop you up when you need it and give good opinions as to what can help you on this path. As a result..... my Sister came in and her first words were OMG you have lost so much weight Sissy it really shows. This is a good thing!!!!!!!!! Of course I am having another tom visit so this is something that really complicates things for me!Three or four in a month and you aren't often sure of what you do weigh. LOL but when I can get the numbers I sure do!!!!! No matter what they are!
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