Dieting when the other half doesn't want to

  • Hello =) This is my first post on these forums, and I'm really looking forward to having people to talk to as I work towards my weight loss goals!

    I recently started Weight Watchers on my own after my Grandma (who is a lifelong member) got me the calculator and some of the reading material for my birthday. After calculating, I get 33 pts per day, while my fiance gets 67.

    After starting last week, I've lost about 2 pounds so far, which has me very hopeful! I do feel like I've cut a lot out of what I normally eat, but not in a bad way. I try to make as much food at home as possible, and pre-portion it so that I can just grab it and go. My fiance and I were always going out to eat, or stopping for fast food, and that would both add to our waistline while slimming our wallets. Not a good combo =P

    Anyways, my fiance seems to be fighting the diet...he will listen to what I'm telling him, but it's like it goes in through one ear and out the other. He thinks that because he gets such a high amount of a daily value, he can keep eating like he's always done "because there's no way that what I'm eating is equal to that many points" (that's a direct quote from him).

    He is all for going to exercise....except he doesn't exercise. He believes (because it's worked for him before) that a couple hours of exercise a day will negate the awful way he continues to eat. I have no doubt it will work, but he doesn't take that step to actually do the exercise, and worse, he just continues to eat a ton of fast food and processed foods.

    I've tried making tasty food, writing the point value of something right on the package, etc., but it seems like he just doesn't care. And when we did go out to lunch to Carrabba's (family get together), he kept trying to get me to cheat! I did really well, ordering the small grilled chicken (about 5 oz) and 2 orders of the steamed broccoli instead of potatoes, and said no to dessert! But he kept trying to push it at me, saying that I should give myself a break since it's a special occasion. He didn't understand that while I wanted the desert, I didn't want it enough to go over my points.

    I finally had to sit down with him the other night to say "hey, I will choose when it's necessary to go over my points." But when I told him that, it's like he was angry with me! It's almost like he doesn't want me to lose weight this way, and I don't get it =(

    No matter what I do, I don't think I'm going to get him to do the weight watchers with me, he seems almost against it, and I don't want to force him to do something he doesn't want to do. But how do I stay motivated, and eat the things I need to, when my significant other doesn't seem to be interested in it?
  • I am in a similar boat. I finally just caved and told my hubby that I am dieting. He can get over it. No ore junk food will be bought or brought into the house. I will cook dinner. Eat it or figure something else out, I am not doing two dinners. I will make lunch for him and me. He either eats it or not my problem. The simple fact is, there is no forcing the issue. He has to want to do it. Until then, all it will breed is contempt. Surprisingly, my hubby has been okay with the changes...he took them better than me saying, "Join me." I found that 3FC and the challenges that many people post has been my greatest motivator. It isn't that my hubby doesn't support me, it is the fact that here I am eating a grilled chicken breast and broccoli for the 7th night straight while he horks down a large pizza. But yeah, this forum. Because my hubby doesn't get how important this is to me.
  • My hubby and I had to get out of each other's health and weight loss, because we found it actually harder to work together than to work separately. I know it seems like it would be easier to work together on the same path with the same goals, but it doesn't always work out that way. It's at least as difficult to work together as it is separately. It's too easy to play food and plan cop and yet resent when the roles are reversed. It's just as easy to use the other person's success or failure as an excuse. It's also easy to resent the other person's successes and failures. You can feel very discouraged if you feel like you've worked harder yet lost less. You find it easy to blame your own failures and weakness on the other person's successes or failures. You'll often have different trigger, problem, and treat foods, so that the very foods you may need to stay on plan may be the very foods the other needs to stay motivated.

    Whether you diet and exercise alone, together, or separately, you need to put in the same level of energy and commitment. For every advantage working together has, there is an equal number and degree of disadvantages.

    Some couples will work better together than apart, but I suspect for most it's just as difficult, often more difficult than working together. For my hubby and I separately works MUCH better than together, and only marginally better than working alone (when the other doesn't want to make changes).
  • My husband and I are on 2 different eating plans, mine is more controlled (through a doctor's office) and his is just calorie counting/awareness. Once I lost my first 100, he had lost a couple of pounds. Now I'm within 3lbs of him so it's become my mission to get to his weight and pass him. (He's lost 30lbs so far.)

    His way of eating works for him and my way of eating works for me, he has way more control of stopping at 1 serving, etc. plus he does way more physical labor than I do (I exercise for exercise, he works hard and gets exercise benefits!).

    I think you have to do what is best for you and try to tune him out foodwise all together. I haven't been out to dinner with my husband since last July as I'm so particular about my food prep and serving sizes (how come I wasn't like this for the last 20 years??). He's been out with friends and coworkers and has eaten takeout food, mine is all home prepared. And guess what, we've never been happier! It's almost like the weightloss for me and then the weightloss for him has brought us both an unusual happiness as I'm not stressing about food any longer and he found a happy medium.

    I never thought 2 different meal preps and ways of eating would work for us but I'm pleasantly surprised (and thinner!).

    Good luck. I know it's not easy but you can do it. If I can, anyone can!
  • First of all, congratulations on your decision to get healthy! As I'm sure you know, its not an easy decision to make, and you have to be mentally and emotionally ready for it. Clearly your husband's actions show that he isn't ready to make that choice for himself, and as much as you'd like to, sadly you can't make that decision for him.

    I grocery shop for and prepare the foods that are on my plan. Everyone is welcome to what I purchase and prepare (except my Medifast foods - that stuff's expensive!) If the husband or teenagers want junk, they shop for and prepare it themselves. However, they must keep their junk out of my designated veggie drawers in the fridge and off my designated shelf in the pantry. I just don't even look at food that isn't on my shelf or in my drawer anymore. I know that sounds crazy, but I've just trained myself not to look at anything else. It's as though no other part of the fridge or pantry even exists (okay, that does make me sound crazy...). If I find their junk in my space I throw it out. Seriously. There was a bag of pistachios on my shelf one day - trash.

    It isn't that my family isn't supportive, they are; they just don't get that it isn't as easy for me as it is for them... Like my daughter who sweetly bought me a Jamba Juice card for Mother's Day. I didn't have the heart to remind her that it will be a year before I can eat fruit again... She saw it as a healthy gift option, and for her 5'10" 100 pound body, it is a healthy choice. For my 5'2 236 pound body it just feeds my carb addiction.

    Anyway, sorry to get off topic and make it all about me . My point is simply that you need to do what you know is best for you and as difficult as it will be, let your loved ones make the choices for themselves, no matter how poor those choices may be. If you don't get the support you deserve from your loved ones, come here, and come here often. There are some amazing freaking people here on 3FC and they "get" you and the struggles you'll fight every single day. Unfortunately our families don't always have the capacity to understand how hard this can be.

    You can do this without your husband. Is it ideal? No. Is it easy? No. Is it fair? No. Is it worth it? YES, 1000 times, YES!!!
  • Thanks for all the encouraging words =) We've been engaged for almost 4 years now (been a couple for almost 8, so it's almost like we are married already lol!), and I keep getting the question "when's the wedding? did you set a date?" etc, and I know that one of the reasons we haven't set a date yet is because neither of us want to walk down the aisle looking the way we do. I'm tired of getting those questions, and to be honest, I really want to have my wedding day ^_^ That is one of the big reasons why I chose to finally get my tush in gear and lose the weight that's been plaguing me all my life.

    I have generally always been the meal cooker/grocery shopper (when we chose to cook at home), so I know he'll eat whatever I make. But I also know he stops at gas stations and fast food places when he's at work, stating that I don't give him big enough portions (my meal sizes generally range in the 8-10 pts, while I make his in the 15-20pts because he has 67 pts while I have 33).

    I'm really looking forward to this forum...I think a part of him is resentful that I'm not losing weight the way he thinks I should be losing weight, but he really needs to get over that. I'd like him to be at least mindful of what he's eating...maybe take a minute and check the nutrition facts on the large mushroom swiss angus burger meal he just ordered from mcdonalds...but I think that's just going to take time.

    And who knows? maybe once I start seeing noticeable results he'll be more inclined to lose weight =)
  • Quote: And who knows? maybe once I start seeing noticeable results he'll be more inclined to lose weight =)
    Strong possibility! I officially weigh less than my hubby for the first time since we met and it pushed him to quit smoking AND start exercising about two weeks ago. His excuse? He wasn't going to have other men trying to win me away because he is too fat and smelly. He already has age against him, since he is nearly a decade older than me, he didn't want that too

    (should I tell him I married him despite those facts?)