I thought you ladies would understand this --
 

I had an argument with my Husband last night. He has a 20-year-old daughter who is very much obese. Each time we see her, she is larger. He is terrified that she will die young or develop some awful disease. Diabetes runs in her mother's family, and there are many overweight people in her family. He wants to call her mother, with whom she lives, and discuss what the two of them can do about their daughter's weight. I told him there's nothing they can do until their daughter is ready to do something about it herself. He thinks if he just points her in the right direction, she will change her eating habits and she will be all right. I told him the time for this is long past; that no one can control the behavior of another, and if he thinks he can 'fix' her he is in for heartache and sorrow. He was angry with me, but I think he is really angry at himself. He really thinks there was something he could do about his child's weight. He and her mother divorced ten years ago; she has not lived in his household since then, so I don't really understand what he thinks he could have done differently (he sets a healthy example), but he is wracked with guilt. I just needed to vent; thanks.

this weight thing is so apart of many peoples life's, it would be so nice to give help to some one and know that it would work, I understand you hubby. it is so hard to see some one you love and not be off help to them, he is not mad at you , he just is at a loss of what to do to help his child, but you are right about it, it has to come from one self, no one can do it for us, yes there is help like this site l and they do help , but if it was me I would just give him a big hug and tell him that you do feel for him and tell him if there is any thing that he thinks you could do to help, you will. that's all that he is looking for , he know as you do, that there is not much any one can do, it has to be his daughter that does it, take care happy valentines day to you and your family

I completely agree, its hard to see someone you love mistreating their body and not being healthy. He is mad he cannot help her and i am sure he feels completely helpless which is one of the worst feelings in the world. He isnt mad at you. Hopefully he can come to terms with maybe he can help her but he cannot "fix" her.

Thanks; I knew you'd understand! None of us knows what it is inside my stepdaughter that makes her eat enough calories to be as large as she is. I have my own weight issues, and *I* don't even know at times why I eat the wrong things or overeat when I know what it will do to me. I think she needs a qualified professional, but if my H were to suggest it, she'd turn a deaf ear.

It is really hard for people to realize they have a weight problem. I am 22 and it just hit me, blaine your fat. My parents and everyone else tried to help me; however, it just made me mad and hurt my feelings. Be patient with her and say things like about how easy weight watchers is and how you will help her if she wants to start. But do not pressure her at all it will only make thinks worse.

I think you are right 5minutes...I think your husband's anger is because he feels powerless. But the fact is that you are right, and that his daughter won't be helped unless she's ready to ask for it herself. Whenever people tried to talk to me about it before, it just made me feel worse, and therefore just made me more adamant to do what I wanted, which at the time involved having another piece of cheesecake. It took me deciding all on my own that I was ready to make a change. Hopefully it won't take a life-threatening illness for her to see the light, but it is out of you and your husband's hands.

One thing that really scares him is that they had a family friend who was so severely obese that her stomach hung to her knees. She was only 36 and one day just dropped dead in her kitchen. No warning, just died...he is so afraid for his daughter. But I do think he is starting to realize that he can't do anything unless she is ready to accept help. His frustration makes him want to take action, even when that action is futile.

Like everyone has said, bringing up her weight to her will most likely make her feel hurt and angry. She has to be ready to lose weight and make a life change before she will accept help. But.. I don't think that means there's absolutely nothing you can do to help her. Of course, I think her mother is probably the one who will be able to help her the most (since she lives with her).

When she comes to visit, make healthy meals and have healthy snacks. If she comments that she thinks something tastes really good, offer her the recipe so that she could make it at home.

Have your husband suggest to her mother that she start making healthier meals. I know for myself, we didn't really eat as a family very often in the past, so I just make whatever i want for myself. But if my mom makes a family dinner, then I'll have whatever she's cooking.

If she ever mentions that she is unhappy with her weight in front of you or your husband, offer to help her out if she wants you to (i.e. "If you want to make a change, your father and I are here to help you.") My mother actually did this for me. She told me that if I was unhappy and wanted to lose weight, she would pay for me to go to weight watchers meetings. She came to every meeting with me. She helped me with making meals, she was always on the look out for new healthy products for me to try. Down the road, she also joined a gym with me.

That said, if her mother is overweight too (or just wants to get into better shape), she could say that she wants to join a gym for herself, and ask if her daughter wants to join with her. Or she could say that she wants to join a weight loss program (weight watchers, for example), and ask if her daughter wants to join too (or just follow along at home). But she should make it about herself, not about the daughter.

I'm 20 myself, and when I wanted to start losing weight.. I didn't know how or where to start. I didn't have the resources. I wasn't happy being the weight I was, but it was embarassing to admit that I had a problem and needed help. What I needed was for my mom to let me know she was there to help me, without making me feel like I was a failure for letting my weight get so out of hand. I needed her to be there for me and help me along the path.

Wow, Thin, we have such a similar situation, but I'm actually the one who thought it might be useful to have my DH talk to his daughter's mother. My SD is almost 30 (still lives with her mother), is a teacher, and appears to weigh in excess of 300 lbs. and has weighed that much for at least the last five years. It's so hard to watch her become breathless when she goes shopping with us, and to not be able to fit in seats, etc. Watching my father have so many problems with diabetes makes me sensitive to the fact that my SD is ripe for getting the disease, which scares me.

But I know that I can't say anything to her because she has to want it. And I know my DH can't say anything to her, but I thought perhaps her mother, who is a nurse (who smokes and is overweight, however), would be as scared as we are and might be able to get through to SD. Intellectually, I know it won't help, but there's just this overwhelming feeling of helplessness as you watch someone you love, who is so young and with a wonderful life ahead of her, slowly killing herself.

So. . . I can relate to your DH and I know you realize that he has the best of intentions. Let's hope that both your SD and my SD can see the light before much more times passes.

I completely understand both sides of the fence on this one- both your opinion and your husband's. It's hard to watch someone you love destroy themselves, and even harder to decide just what you can and can't do about it. :(
I will say that my opinion in this particular circumstance though, falls more to the opinion of your husband. I do hope that no one gets angry at me for saying this, since it appears that I am going against the majority here. But, if she were addicted to drugs or alcohol, would you still think that it would be best not to say anything to her? Would you still want to wait until she "wanted it herself"? I'm not bashing you, or anyone who disagrees with me, but I think that if you love someone, and you see them hurting themselves or others, you should speak up. Granted, there is a right and a wrong way to speak up, too. But, saying nothing to spare some possible hard feelings may not be in the best interests of your SD.
Since morbid obesity and early mortality runs in her family, I would think early intervention is key. If suggesting professional help is not an option likely to be taken seriously by her, maybe your DH could consult a professional on the best way to approach his daughter?
(((hugs)))

Deep breath.........
 

How about prayer? I would pray for guidance in how or even whether to approach SD.

Now that my husband and I have been doing WW for about five months, people are used to us serving them healthier food at our house. We also are very open about talking about our weight loss program and how it's working for us. When people complain to me that they could never do it, etc., I offer to sit down with them and show them how I do it (journaling, etc.) I don't offer to do it unless someone mentions how much they'd like to lose weight, etc. But sometimes just talking about my own struggles and successes opens people up to sharing their feelings about their own struggles. I don't know if that would help, but it comes off much better than "Gee, I think you need to lose weight."

She has been on WW and LAWL before
 

She lost 60 lbs. on LAWL, and was getting compliments all over the place. She is a gorgeous girl, and was really starting to look marvelous. Then she, her mother and sister went on a cruise right before the holidays. It was all downhill from there. She's gained back all that weight and then some. I guess the cruise food and the holiday food was all too much for her to deal with. Anyway, she does know she needs help and she does know what to do to lose weight. It's just that she can't seem to DO it. I have always believed she needed psychological help, but she has refused to go. That's what makes me think that she won't get help until she really wants it herself.

I understand 100% I have taken my daughter with me to WW. She would lose a little and give up. She gets upset if anyone comments on her weight. She knows she needs to lose at least 50 lbs. But she has yet to change her diet or lifestyle. I agree with you -- until she is ready no one can make her do it!
She complains about her back and knees and I carefully comment trying not to make her angry suggesting her and her hubby eat out less or she take the dog for a walk every day after work. She is 27 and her and her hubby want to start a family. I hope she lose a few lbs. first because we all know as you get older and after childbirth it does not get easier!
if you find a way to get thru to your SD, let me know! My daughter was such a pretty and active teenager. Now she settled in to married life!!

My SD has been heavy since she was a little child. I think she is fighting genetics to a certain degree, and a family lifestyle to another degree, since a lot of people in her mom's family are also overweight. Thank you all, for your positive thoughts. We pray all the time for my SD, as we don't want her to become seriously ill over this.