I have sat down and wrote this post a number of times over the weekend. Each time I've erased it. I attempted to set up a diet blog but just end up confused. so here I am. Here it is.

Over the weekend I've been doing a lot of online research about eating, diet, exercise, all that...and am just more confused and overwhelmed by all the info.

About 11 years ago I lost 80 lbs with Weight Watchers at home. It took me just shy of a year. I have gained 15-20 lbs back, and held steady at 160 ( I was down to 145) for the majority of hte last decade. I've tried to convince myself that I'm down with 160, but deep inside, I'm not. I hate it. I am older and I also take anti depressants/anti-psychotics which can affect my appetite, how I metabolize food or what have you.

Yes, it's a good thing that I haven't gained back any more, and that some may say I have practice in terms of maintenance.

Here I am, caught between quitting, because it feels like all this work is for naught if I'm not going ot be less than 160, let alone the elusive 150. The other part of me wants to re-motivate myself, light a fire beneath me. That's worked in the past but it's not working now. I"m tired. But I am also tired of being 160, too...

First thing I've done is start working on my attitude, aiming for fat loss, not so much as weight loss. I will stay with weight watchers because it does work for me, and I can apply it to any part of my life. Before even trying somethig like South Beach or Atkins, I can tell you that I'm already mentally rebelling. Eggs and bacon with out....with out toast?! No!!

I'm the kind of person that needs a plan. I cook with recipes. I follow directions. I'm going to try to ration my points to different food groups, to make sure i get enough produce and not too much carbohydrates.

I take karate twice a week, which I love. I am goign to write up a plan/routine using the exercises we use in class: pushups, squats, lunges,sit ups, jumping jacks, supermen, kicks, punches, stretches, and supplement that with my jillian 30D shred. I'm also interested in weight lifting, but when I start to read about it I get confused about how to put something like BFL with the WW way of life... I'm interested in running but when I do it I feel like I'm going to die. I also don't know if I want to invest $$ in shoes I may never wear....

Years ago when I lost weight I didn't give it much thouhght. I just did what I felt had to be done. I knew it'd work, even if it took longer than I thought. I didn't weigh myself much, only when someone asked or when my clothes were getting looose. I didn't put so much on that little number. I didn't let it rule me as it does now. I hid my scale from me for a month, and I had thought I was eating well, better, more balanced, staying with in my points, but when I did weigh myself, it wasn't going in the direction I want.

I am confused. I know I need to do something about it. I know I'm not happy where I am now.... I even went on a binge all weekend, eating the foods I had kept from myself. The result? Feeling like crap: bloated, sugar crashy, fat, tired, and the food didn't even taste that good!!

So, here I am, at a cross roads. I'm a weary traveller, knowing that hte high road is the right road but is it worth it?

Normally I"m great at motivating myself to get out there and do it, woo! But not now.

You need a hug! Other than that, the best thing I can say to you right now is that you are the only one who knows if it's worth it, or not. I'm betting that you think it IS, or you wouldn't have taken the time (several times, over the weekend) to share this with us.

Maybe, though, it's time for you to go into maintenance, either for good, or for at least until you know what you want to do. In the meantime, focus on what a success you already are, rather than the recent binge.

<--- Another hug, for good measure.

Our stats and story are somewhat similar. I got married 5 years ago just under 130s - I was 36 at the time. Although I was quite svelte then, I had been 125 lbs. (I was naturally thinnish and athletic) for quite a few years, but after age 35 the weight began to creep on me, even though I was very active and exercised intensely and generally ate quite healthfully.

The weight crept up to the low 130s - I hovered around 133-135 and felt determined to get back to 130. I could drop a lb. or two but not much more. Slowly I crept up to 136-137. I had some health problems and was exercising less intensely but I was still trying to get back to the elusive 130. Soon enough though I found myself at 142. It seemed shocking, suddenly, to weigh over 140. I know it doesn't sound all that large (and boy I'd love to see 140 now!!!!!), but for me, those extra 10-15 made a difference in how I looked and FELT. I had to buy new clothes for work, and STILL I kept striving to lose (at this point I was just hoping to see 135).

In the last couple years, although I've lost a few lbs. here or there, for the most part it has crept up. I still exercise, but not as intensely. I still eat very healthfully - almost no fast food, lots of veg and fruits and whole grains, moderate portions -- but I also like my occasional wine, chocolate, and other treats. The weight kept creeping. I stayed steady in the high 140s, bouncing between 147-149 -- stayed there until last year...

Then all of a sudden I was 152 -153. What??? How did I gain 25 lbs. in a few short years - more shopping for bigger clothes, more determination to lose, but the weight kept creeping. This summer I saw 160! Again, I know that doesn't seem like a big gain, but for me, it was, especially while all the while I was trying to lose. It was the slow creep that got me... I just kept thinking that at this rate, within 5 years I would be over 200 lbs.

Like you, I had many moments of acceptance, thinking, well, 147 isn't so bad. I'm still smaller than most, and my body seems to want to stay here. I was using the mantra, "I'm old; my body has just changed; my metabolism has slowed" too much. I began to believe it until I was near 160. The truth is I was darned uncomfortable in my own skin. I was tired of buying bigger pants literally every six months (can't afford it either). I had a massage this summer and when I rolled from back to stomach it felt so uncomfortable and was so difficult. Just moving my body around felt awkward.

I gained a new determination to lose and a new belief that I COULD DO IT. I think I had really given up on the idea that I could. I started on synthroid this summer for mild hypothyroid (I am sure that contributed somewhat to my gain). I knew that the synthroid alone wouldn't help me lose -- I would have to work hard. I needed a kick start - a big one. I had really been in a rut for so long, so I decided to try something quite regimented - I bought the book Extreme Fat Smash and followed it to a t for 3 weeks.

I have now lost 10 lbs. in the last 4-5 weeks, and I feel great. I am still following the concepts of fat smash - several small meals a day, exercise almost every day, but I have increased the portion sizes some. I have been eating tons of brown rice, oatmeal, fruit, vegetables, and I can still have my wine a couple times a week! And, I'm still losing! It feels so great, I cannot even tell you.

I no longer have 130 or 125 as my goals, but I am very excited to see 145 (should be soon!), then 140, and maybe settle in around the mid 130s. I wasn't happy at 160, and I didn't feel well.

For exercise, I've been walk/run - usually 1 hour - several days a week. I also do Jillian Michael's dvds - which are tough but I love - several days a week. That's how I get my weights in - she's very motivating.

I know you are tired of trying, but you also say you are tired of being 160. You sound exactly how I felt. EFS was tough - a very tough 3 weeks - but it's very doable and I feel it gave me the push I needed. I feel back on track and 1,000x better than I felt in July.

Whatever you try, stay strong, and don't give up. You deserve to feel your best! Good luck!

I sat down to reply earlier today. I was going to report that I don't feel any better. Still stuck.... then I went to the store, looking for that Fat Smash book at Target ( they didn't have it)...

So, on the drive back, while noshing through 2 packages of twix bars ( yeah, I know, that's totally not related to how crappy I feel...) I was thinking about whaqt I would tell a friend of mine if she was going through this. I would sure as **** treat her better than I treat myself... and I also realized that a lot of this is mental. It's confidence, self worth, how I percieve things. Its a physical result of what goes on in my head. Its a symptom of something else.

So, being that I'm the only one who can do this,and since I couldnt' find the book I wanted, I'm going to write my own.

In the end, either it'll be a tome that other chicks cn relate to, or if anything, just be a memoir of one woman's journy to self improvement.

It motivates me because I love to write but it'll also be something I can do besides eating....

I fell into the trap of looking for that magic cure. There's a lot of stuff that'll help me, but it all starts with effort and yes, a better attitude.

Rather than writing it old school in a paper journal I'll be putting up a blog about it on blogspot or live journal...we'll see how it goes.

OG-I love your posts....keep going!

Both of you might want to look at the Featherweights threads - it's folks who don't have a lot (i.e. < 20 lbs or so) and the issues involved with that. They don't advocate any special plan, just how to get those last few stubborn pounds off.

Optical, I would certainly look forward to reading your writings, if you decided to post them

When I get this all started, I will have a url....it'll be awhile because I'm studying for an optical test that I'm taking in November. Motivation is in strange places..... when considering starting this project, my thought was "Why not me?" when it comes to writing, and thhen 'why not me' when it came to being a success story in other ways, too.