[melwolfe]

So far as counseling, if you go and tell her that your counselor would like to talk to her about you, etc. etc. that would at least get her in the door. If you make it about helping you rather than focusing on her she might go to help you and get help for herself without really realizing it at first........

Ditto for the eating. Tell her your doctor says your cholestrol is high so no pizza, fast food, etc., maybe you could then get better healthier food and it would help her even though she thinks she's helping you? Not sure of your lifestyle, who cooks, how often you eat out but if you ask her to cook healthy meals for you then maybe she'll eat the same.

Either way, good luck!

[mr206]

Originally Posted by Leenie

Everyone is different, but if it were "ME" I think I would want my you to sit down with me, tell me you love me no matter what, tell me I'm beautiful no matter what size I am. Explain your concerns and that my weight is a health issue as well as the addictions. Tell me you want us both to grow old together. I think "I" would want you to take my hand and go with me to the doctors (therapy and nutritionalist) because I am not only torn apart from losing my child, I am embarassed at what I've done to myself. I need help and lots of patience and understanding as this could take years. I would want you to say that no matter how long it takes you'll be there for me and you won't leave me.

Thanks, this is exactly what I was looking for. In the sessions she had with our HMO counselor, I went with and was 100% supportive. I love her and will support her in anything she does, but she has to take that step/initiative.

[mr206]

Originally Posted by melwolfe

Ditto for the eating. Tell her your doctor says your cholestrol is high so no pizza, fast food, etc., maybe you could then get better healthier food and it would help her even though she thinks she's helping you? Not sure of your lifestyle, who cooks, how often you eat out but if you ask her to cook healthy meals for you then maybe she'll eat the same.

lol I wish I could do that... she knows I'm pretty healthy and knows my stats (kinda).
She cooks and I guess we don't exactly eat as 'good' as we could... we eat things like spaghetti, pastas and other things; I don't think those things are necessasarily 'bad', so long as portions are kept under control... but that's something she has trouble with.

We both agree we have to drastically change what we eat when we move in 2 weeks.. I hope that the change to a different state will be like a fresh start for her and she'll have the motivation to do all the goals she says she has.

[Leenie]

It might be fun for the both of you (after your talk) to go thru the kitchen and do a clean sweep.. get rid of all the junk. Then go shopping and buy some "clean" foods, if she loves ranch dressing, try to find one thats less calories/low fat/light, make small changes and take it from there... it could be lots of fun and challenging. Just remember, if she slips up... she's human. She's going to have good days and bad days (us women are like that normally lol)

Introduce her to fitday.com - its a place where she can log her daily intake and see exactly how much she is eating.. its fun and it might be an eye opener to her.

[mr206]

Originally Posted by Leenie

Just remember, if she slips up... she's human. She's going to have good days and bad days (us women are like that normally lol)

I'll admit, this is not one of my strong suits... but it's something I know I need to work on and I've been trying to do. Luckily with the move, we're not taking ANY food with us (since it's cross-country), so we plan to shop well when we get there; the cost of living and food is about 1/2 what it is here, so eating healthy is something we can actually afford to do now.

Introduce her to fitday.com - its a place where she can log her daily intake and see exactly how much she is eating.. its fun and it might be an eye opener to her.

Yea... we both started doing that on SparkPeople.com and I kept it up... but she didn't like the constant entry online. She kept a food journal for about 2 weeks, but she gave that up. Any ideas on how to keep her motivated to do the journal?

[Leenie]

I am SOOO bad at journaling myself so I'm going to have to let some one else chime in here.

The only other possibility is, if she doesn't like to log things in or journal that much is joining Weight Watchers... they count points which is pretty easy to do. WW is a great way to go, she can go to the meetings or join online.

[jiffypop]

wow. double wow. oh my. look what i missed while coming home from work and falling asleep last night!!!

ok. here's my two cents - and it's not gonna be easy. all of this advice is WONDERFUL, and wise. but it's not gonna do a single bit of good if it doesn't meet your wife's immediate needs - and ANY amount of good intentions will not get past the feeling of being nagged or attacked.

there's a psychology of addiction - and of change. Developed by Prochaska and DiClemente [and one of them wrote a book for us lay folks about it - check Amazon]. it's about THE STAGES OF CHANGE. from denial through action. the key is [and this is starting to make it into the medical literature] that the doc [or anyone else] HAS TO meet the person where they are in the stage.

for example, it's not going to help if you insist that she set up an exercise routine [which is an ACTION-stage thing] when she's still thinking that there's nothing she can do about her weight [the CONTEMPLATION stage].

i strongly suggest looking for that book - i'll see if i can find it but for right this second, i have to go do some work!!!!

good luck. breathe. BOTH OF YOU.

[jiffypop]

oh. one more point. there are a FEW counselors who specialize in weight issues. there's a whole bunch of them at the RENFREW centers [a national group]. while most people think of them as treatment for anorexics, they actually have a program for heavy people/food addicts.

it's a little weird, but a very warm, accepting place.

[jajabee]

You know, I'm not familiar with the process, but people often mention how much counseling there is before WLS, and it looks like a lot of folks are even strongly encouraged to lose a good amount of weight even before the surgery. Would giving your wife what she wants, the WLS, actually end up being what both of you want? Maybe the whole experience would give her the information and the mental shake-up she needs to start seeing nutrition differently. Especially coupled with the move, which can be a great opportunity to get rid of old habits (that's what I did!).

Just a thought!

[annie175]

Weightloss surgery is only a tool, you still have to work very hard at maintaining, believe me, I am that person. I lost 160 lbs with WLS. You have to continue to eat healthy and exercise. It is only a tool and you CAN gain all your weight back if you are not mentally with the program. It is all work. As a matter of fact, maintaining is harder than anything I have ever done. PM me if you have an questions.

[sfj]

All great advice you have gotten so far.

There is a wonderful workbook out there called Love Hunger. http://www.google.com/products/catal...age#ps-sellers

It deals with the reason behind WHY we overeat and eat the way we do.

You may want to think of getting a copy and looking through it to see if it might help.

[GradPhase]

I just have one bit of last advice to give.

A good friend once told me that if a whole building is overwhelmed with fire, spreaded water won't put out the flames, but only feed them. You have to concentrate the water in sections to put the fire out room by room in order to save the building.

Basically, what I'm getting at... is...

You have a whole host of issues here that you're trying to address at once, and the priorities might be a bit askew.

It sounds, to me at least, that your wife is really in need of a better therapist, and better bereavement counselling - **First and foremost** if and WHEN she is comfortable with her therapist, they can together address her addictions to alcohol, food, relationship issues, self esteem, and everything else going on. I just took a psych class on stress hormones and I learned a lot of really great information about this...

For example.....

When put under prolonged extreme stress, the body can create an abundance of stress hormones (glucocordicoids) in the system which causes a total shift in biological priorities and brain processing. Amungst many other things, Glucos tell your brain you need sugar/carbs, and you need it NOW to survive (which is a big part in comfort eating and cravings when stressed). It's entirely evolutionary. Your body stores sugars to use as energy to literally run away from the stressors (ie a bear chasing you). In today's society though, there's very little to literally run away from and way too much emotional stuff to deal with - but the body processes it as if it really is a bear, and it's trying to prepare you to really run away. When you don't run off the excess calories - your body keeps storing it for when the time DOES come. And thus extreme stress = obesity. When you deal with the stress through coping techniques (deep breathing to get more oxygen in to your brain, journaling to lower anxiety, meditation), medications, and prolonged therapy - you re-train your body to stop over reacting to the stressors, and you stop hanging on so desperately to the sugars - which leads to less over eating and cravings and more emotional and physical healthiness.

What THIS means to YOU is that as simple as you think it may be to just eat pasta in the right proportions - if she has an abundance of glucocordicoids and cortisol in her brain - her body is constantly screaming "Eat this NOW to survive" It's not as much about comforting yourself, as it is about evolution!

This could very well be her thought process. (Not that it IS, just that it COULD be)

*Grieving* -> Stress hormones -> Sugars and carbs because it's what her body is screamign she needs -> Over weight because she actually IS listenign to her body -> Confusion, depresion, lowered self esteem, over all feeling lost, low sex drive, relationship issues -> Alcohol and more eating to forget it all, as it's HER learned coping technique from her family.

Anyway. Back to the burning building. Her first, most important room to quench is absolutely going to be her mind. Get the bereavement therapy. Once she has better coping techniques and her body readjusts to what's actually going on and when it knows there's no actual bear, they can start moving on to the second, third, and forth most important "rooms" and start putting out fires there (diet, exercise, alcohol abuse, self esteem, relationships) and everything will fall in to place like a puzzle.

I'm at work, and don't know if this post is making as much sense as I'm hoping it does. I keep going back and forth between typing and answering phones. But there's my food for thought.

[jajabee]

I just wanted to chime in again on the therapy issue... I know it's not an easy thing to fit into a budget, but since your wife is obviously in desperate need of good professional bereavement therapy, maybe you can look for ways to "do without" other luxuries for a few months while your wife gets all this sorted out. And it's entirely possible that she'll learn to move away from the food therapy if she gets some real therapy, which would be a win-win for both of you!

[mr206]

Originally Posted by jajabee

I just wanted to chime in again on the therapy issue... I know it's not an easy thing to fit into a budget, but since your wife is obviously in desperate need of good professional bereavement therapy, maybe you can look for ways to "do without" other luxuries for a few months while your wife gets all this sorted out.

Trust me, where we live now, we've cut back on quite a bit... but with the move, I think the lower cost of living will allow us to get professional help.

Thanks everyone for the great advise so far... I guess I have some things to think about before I approach her.

[kiramira]

Best of luck to you both. I know you want the best for her, and for you. And you sure have a bunch of issues to deal with. It might be helpful to start with "couples therapy" so that she can go with you. It might make the transition to her getting individual help easier on you and her...
My thoughts are with you...
Kira