In counseling I discovered that one of the reasons I ate and remained overweight was to keep men at bay. (I have a bad history with men, but my plan to keep them away with fat never worked all that well, to tell you the truth. )

Now, I am finding that men are going more and more beyond just looking these days. I am being forced to deal with my intimacy issues! LOL

I find it hard to find men in my area that don't either...think I'm still too fat and want to wait until I'm thinner to date me or like me fat and, I fear, would try to "keep me plump" if I let them. LOL

I had 2 very difficult dates this week, one man didn't want to date me anymore because I'm a recovering drug addict. I suspect that he does drugs and even in a minor way, I can't be around it. I know, I know, better off without him, but he was fabulous until this came out, we have soooo much in common. Well, I guess too much. LOL And then today, I went to meet the other guy for the first time, after some wonderful chats online and exchanging pictures and all that...I saw him get out of the car, look at me, get back in the car and leave...Strange to say the least and left me dumbfounded and wondering what was wrong...at first, what was wrong with me and then what was wrong with him! A bit cowardly, I'm thinking! Having just started back to the dating scene after a 2 year "breather" following a bad break up...I really didn't need these to be my first 2 tries!

Anyway.... here are some of my questions.

How would you approach things like, going out to dinner? Or not being able to drink without repercussions? (does anyone else get the, 20 minutes of completely drunk on a glass of wine and then it just goes away completely? hehe) or eventually...the skin issue?

Thanks for being here for me as I throw down my fears!

Angela

I was the same way. Unlucky in love and food filled the void and being fat kept the men away!!!

2 weeks after WLS (RNY) I met a man on an on-line dating site who doesn't mind me being heavy!!! I still have not told him about the WLS. He is in another state. We have met in person but I have lost 35 more pounds since he saw me last (in early August). I told him that I have lost 35 pounds and he told me STOP IT SILLY! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL THE WAY YOU ARE! hmmmmmmm ... go figure? Well anyhow, I can't change things. I am stalled at 180 so maybe he is getting his wish? haha I have been stalled for a month now!

I catch men checking me out now and have to chuckle. 5 months ago no one was checking me out unless it was in disgust!!! You have to meet someone who likes you ... really likes you. Try out some of the free on-line dating sites just to get comfortable talking to men.

Best wishes!

Well.....I'd love to date, but my DH won't let me!!! LOL!!! I'm sorry I don't mean to make light of everything you are going through. I'm so out of the world of dating and such. Been with the same person since the 10th grade.
I'm trying to put myself in your shoes and.....I think I'd be passing on dating at this point. Not because I wouldn't be lonesome for male company, but seem like there are a lot of things that I have to work out in my life before I can get to the point of dating, even casually. Is dating a real priority in your life right now? I know you are not dead, but be real careful about putting too much importance on dating and men. I think sex and men are even more addicting than food!!! You don't need a man to validate that you are special, wonderful and good person. You are those things without a fellow. Ange, the man who got back into his car, might not have had anything to do with you. Maybe he was unsure, nervous, or thought you were much to much for him, ever think of it that way. There are ways to do the social drinking thing. I'm not a drinker, don't want the calories, and afraid I'd be a raging fool. Club soda and lime sounds good. The skin issue: Now I know what you are talking about there. I hated my body fat and I hate it wrinkly. My DH informed me that I have a wrinkly butt. He did it jokingly, but it really bothered me. I'm real conscious of saggy, baggy stuff, but after 38 years he loves me and I love him. Don't know that I would be real comfortable with a casual friend being nakie! Be careful my dear, this stuff can work on your head as bad a the food thing. I'm not preaching at you, just care about you enough to let you know you are important to your family and to this group. You are in my thoughts and prayer, missy. Take care!

sorry Angela - i'm no help here!!! i'm in the same boat - and i'm SO IMPRESSED that you're out there trying - i've completely given up. unless the man comes with references.

Angela I've had the 20 min drunk. . .its not worth it seltzer with Lime looks like a G &T! just mind the bubblage
Ok Men ahh men I am married but I definitely have noticed pos and neg male attention since losing in fact 1 neg experience sent me into eating crazy till I told the guy off and was a ***** to him b/c he reffed my appearance all the time and he touched my hair

Stay away from addict guy. . .you are not that girl any more and if you suspect he's using he probably is
as for #2 He was probably intimidated (b/c Hi You're hot!) and figured he'd reject himself for you.
Naked Time- #1 if a guy is seeing you naked he's just overjoyed that you want him to see you Naked! #2 Lingerie and Hardware is a beautiful and supportive thing!
#3 MOST IMPORTANTLY! Before you enter into sexual congress with anyone be comfortable with yourself naked and indeed be confident sag or no sag
Nothing turns a guy off more than lack of confidence.
You have nothing to be sorry for and no reason to settle for someone who's not the best.

I say go out there knowing your hot stuff. and get to know the guys as people first. . .You're too Amazing to waste yourself on a creep or settle!
Kie

I can't speak on the WLS part but..

I had dated at my highest weight and dated after I had lost 75 lbs. I had always been shy around guys and had pushed them away until I was in my late 20s. I had dated before then but really none of them were serious and if the relationship got too serious, I would break it off.

So, I dated someone at my highest weight who didn't care about weight but did care about just overall fitness. He ate a lot and I tended to eat a lot with him so I didn't lose weight while we were dating but I also didn't gain.

Then I lost some weight and started dating my husband but the funny thing is he didn't know I had lost any weight. (He had moved out of state and hadn't seen me in a while). So we started as a long distance relationship and I had told him I had lost some weight as I didn't want him to be surprised when he saw me.

I also told him due to my weight loss I had some loose skin. He said it was 'nothing'. I've lost nearly 100 lbs from when we first started dating and he has been supportive all the way. I can't even wear my wedding rings anymore and told him I want to lose 50 more lbs before I get them resized and he doesn't have an issue with that. From the start though he knew my goal was to lose weight.

As for drinking, personally I drink about once a year. Social events, etc aren't an issue. There is no NEED for you to drink. I would normally suggest club soda for a drink that looks alcoholic but isn't, but I think you can't have carbonation? How about water with a splash of cranberry juice and a lime?

I know it can be a bit nerve wracking but relax. The bad guys would be the ones that would run away. The good ones would be the ones that stay.

I was single when I had WLS. I met my NEW husband in Support Group. He was thinking about WLS and I was getting ready to have it. I was about 300 lbs.

Truthfull it has been wonderful to have a man understand a LOVE me at any size...He loved me at 300 lbs just as much as 150!

He totally "gets" my WL battle. It has really helped out relationship

~*~*~*~*~*~
Susan AKA:SasMnky!
myspace.com/sasmnky
obesityhelp.com/member/sasmnky/
340/298/188/170
Before/atWLS/Current/Goal!
Working on getting those pounds Off again!
WLS 7/04 @298/ As Low as ... 150

I was 300 lbs at one time, dropped down to 165 and thats when I met my DH. I had serious skin issues but you couldn't really tell b/c my pants and tops hid it quite well, plus I'm tall so that might have helped too...anyway... before we even started dating I said to him jokingly (but not really joking) "are you sure you want me and my flabby skin..cause I have a lot of it" he grabbed me and said "yes, I want ALL of you" ...... that was 20 years ago.

So IMHO, I would want the guy to know everything before I even meet him, this way if it doesn't bother him, he'll meet you, if it does bother him you'll know he's a shallow jerk.

I personally think nothing should be hidden in a relationship, even skin

Angela, you can get yourself virgin drinks, there's no need for alcohol, besides, you want all your wits about you when your with a stranger.

Your BEAUTIFUL !!!! guys are jerks

Leenie - i agree - guys are jerks. but jim isn't.

Bottom Line when You have something "different" about you it tends to be a great way to sieve the wheat from the chaff. There's a whole lotta chaff out there! I have CP I've dated a lot of chaff. But James my dh for all he drives me nuts (and I him) He's my best pal he loves me fat thin loose skin falling on my face ok hands I protect the face at all costs!

Most ppl suck but some people Are Amazing (look at the peeps here!)

all of this is great advice. a great guy will fall in your lap one day.

Take a little positive thinking away from the experience (some attention is flattering). Stay away from the addict never a good idea. Nice people come a long when you least expect it, you won't have to try it will just happen. here comes the but... but, you have to be open to it happening. Being open, means loving yourself, knowing that your trying to do/doing the right thing. Whether thats taking care of yourself, being postive with others or just trying to find things that make you happy.

I've been married 15 years, so I couldn't imagine dating, so my hats off to all of you that are doing that. My wife has been supportive of surgery but then again she told me she hasn't been attracted to me in years because of the extra weight. I guess there aren't many women who like fat guys. She married me at 225 and liked a security of being with a "big guy" I guess 400lbs was too much security. It took me 2 years to come to realization that I wanted to do the surgery for me, to make me happy, then I can make other people happy.

Wes

Nelli, I love your motto, and going to adopt it.
every time I reach to something yummy, I'll say your (and now my) motto.
Much easier to say no to unwanted food