help for a friend
 

I need some advice for a friend, no really, it's not me. I really do have a friend. K had bypass surgery in october and all is going well, physically speaking. she has lost about 80 pounds and is down from a size 24 to a size 8. but in the last month or two she is displaying symptoms similar to that of a mid life crisis. she has two young children and has to work full time to keep her benefits but she has also decided to go to school full time. She has also decided to remodel her WHOLE house and buy a second car (just for fun). also she is at the mall buying new clothes on a seemingly daily basis. now i am not so concerned about the money, that's her business but i also know that compulsive shopping is a sign of depression and since she can't feed her depression with food, maybe she is spending money instead. the other problem is that i also work with her and lately that has become a huge chore. she comes and goes as she pleases, she doesn't do her work, basically it's like she doesn't care about anyone but herself anymore.
have any of you experienced this yourselves or with someone you know that has had this surgery? I am really worried about her, she is a completely different person and i just don't know what to do. Our boss has tried talking to her but she doesn't think she has a problem, she thinks everyone in the office is just jealous of her. In the direction she is going I am afraid she may lose everyhting that i know is really important to her (her husband and her job). any advice would be great. thanks!

oh boy. oh dear. yes. these are issues. it's actually quite common for us to swap one compulsive behavior for another. i have no real advice - well, actually i do, but do we really think that she's willing to see a psychologist/other counselor????

from what you've said- if it's truly affecting her work performance, then the boss has to step in and document what's happening, and perhaps even tell her that her job is on the line, and that unless things change, she'll be outta there! having cold, hard performance documentation, especially comparing it with the 'good worker evaluation' that i'm sure she had pre-surgery, is about the only way to show her that things have changed, and that it's NOT jealousy.

hope things change!

I agree completely. She is showing signs of a midlife crisis that, at best, are indicators that she's going overboard with joy at her weight loss success. However, they are likely to be signs of depression, which could lead to all sorts of problems, including endangering herself, especially once it sinks in how much she's getting in debt, damaging her family, flushing her career, etc.

In cases like htis, the traditional wisdom says you should speak to her in a non-confrontational way. Ask her what's going on, what her plans are for the car, wardrobe, education etc., and ask her if she's planning to do anything drastic, like dump her husband for a hotter model. Then, try to move the conversation into any plans to harm herself WITHOUT EVER being judgmental or anything like that. You're just curious, that's all. A little worried about where she's heading, and you're the type to take the direct approach -- put that spin on it. She'll probably laugh at your concerns, but the questions need to be asked.

I'm not a professional, but in my job I have to endure annual training where they tell us behaviors like this in coworkers rate asking questions like this to make sure everyone knows we all watch and care. People can take it badly, think you're jealous or nosy or whatever, but I think it really does help people to know that what they really have is true friends who care enough to help.

Good luck, and let us know how things work out.

thanks for the comments. it has helped alot. i hope i can reach her before it's too late.