On rereading my response, I think it might sound a little harsh. The original post kind of got under my skin. I've bolded the verbiage that sounds like it comes with sneers. If you've been nagging her about her food choices all her life, how can you be surprised that she's put on some weight during a time of high stress and increased peer pressure (for most young people)? Some girls who experience this kind of focus on their external lives turn to bulimia or anorexia when they get to this age. Others of us get fat.
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Originally Posted by MariaOfColumbia
Hi all. As I've been dropping pounds since January, it seems like my younger daughter is putting them on. She's just turned 16, and has had a gorgeous figure since she hit puberty. Big busted, slim body- and dresses to make guys eyes pop out.
I haven't said anything at all about it. She used to call herself fat when she wasn't, and we'd vehemently deny it- and now she's got a definite gut on her and had to buy bigger clothes. I don't want her to have to lose a bunch of weight --we all know how hard that is-- but I also don't want to damage her self esteem by breaking her state of denial and forcing her to confront the fact that she's inching up there in pounds.
I don't know what to say, or if I should just continue to ignore the matter. She's a completely different physique than me- a true hourglass figure- the kind that gets really fat, pretty fast. I was the small busted, big hipped type before I got fat- and it went on really slowly. She's going to balloon out to an unhealthy weight fairly quickly, if she doesn't watch it. But I feel like I can't warn her.
I point out when she's eating something that's bad for her -- the same sort of food nagging I've been doing all her life. When she was younger, I had more control over junk food- but now that she's in high school and got a job, she can buy herself whatever she wants without consulting me.
Should I just watch and wait? Surely she'll ask me for advice before things get too bad- since she knows I'm successfully losing weight for the first time.
Hmmm, I don't mean to offend anyone, really I don't but I don't think any teenager should diet unless directed by a doctor to do so. There are so many things that happen to a teenage body (especially girls) that there may be a reason hormonally that she is gaining weight. Maybe there is something more to it, if you are truly concerned take her to the doctor, but If she is still in the "normal" weight range I would leave it be.
(again please don't be offended, I was told by an aunt when I was 17 that I was "thick and fat, at 135; after that I went on a diet ate once a day and ran my butt off I dropped to about 105. When I got my senior pictures I looked like death, so I started eating again, I went from 105 to 145 in about 3 months, but I had such a poor relationship with that aunt and food after that.)
I want to say that I agree with Kateful 100000000%-and I have to say, that before I offer help and advice to you MariaOfColumbia, that I have to say as well, that the tone of your original post made me cringe.
I am not trying to get harsh with you-it is not my intent. My intent is that maybe you need to think about HOW you say or word things to people...because it makes ALL the difference. If you speak to your daughter about her weight in the same manner that you typed about it to us-you are going to have nothing but problems, and you are going to seriously hurt her feelings. I would like to make some points about your original post:
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Originally Posted by MariaOfColumbia
Hi all. As I've been dropping pounds since January, it seems like my younger daughter is putting them on. She's just turned 16, and has had a gorgeous figure since she hit puberty. Big busted, slim body- and dresses to make guys eyes pop out.
There is something about this that just doesn't sit well with me. First of all, she is not "done" with puberty yet. She JUST turned 16. If she started puberty at 11, 12, or 13 and looked great the first couple of years-keep in mind that it wasn't her true adult figure. She will still go through some body changes for the next year or two. I went through puberty in junior high and was an A cup...when I was a junior in high school, I went through another "spurt" of growth and ended up being a C/D cup at that time-I also went from a size 7/8, which I had been from puberty to about age 16-to a size 10 or 12 as well. I wasn't getting FAT...I was getting chestier and more hippy...and I was changing from a young teenager into a woman, with more womanly curves. At her sixteenth birthday, she still has some body changes happening.
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Originally Posted by MariaOfColumbia
She's a completely different physique than me- a true hourglass figure- the kind that gets really fat, pretty fast. I was the small busted, big hipped type before I got fat- and it went on really slowly. She's going to balloon out to an unhealthy weight fairly quickly, if she doesn't watch it. But I feel like I can't warn her.
This part really rubbed me the wrong way when I read it the first time. I know it wasn't your intent, but this is what I mean about thinking about how you word things before you say, or type them. I am only saying this because I don't want you to hurt your daughter's feelings. If you speak to her about her weight in this manner, then that is what is going to happen.
I am a true hourglass figure. Apparently from what you said, you are a pear. My body type doesn't "get really fat" any faster than a pear shape, or an apple shape (bigger on top, small on bottom). Weight gain is calories in vs. calories out. One body type isn't destined to be "fat". The rate of someone's weight gain, or loss-has nothing to do with their shape. It is their lifestyle.
The only thing that differentiates the body types is where we carry our extra pounds...whether it be all over, our upper bodies, or our lower bodies.
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Originally Posted by MariaOfColumbia
I point out when she's eating something that's bad for her -- the same sort of food nagging I've been doing all her life.
Stop nagging her-and don't use your successful weight loss as an example. It will only tick her off-trust me. The last thing you want to hear when you have gained a few pounds, is someone telling you that you have gained a few pounds-especially when that person is losing weight. Just trust me on this one. If you want to do something for her-cook healthful meals. Serve fruit as dessert. Serve salad as a side dish. invite her to do something active with you. Lead by EXAMPLE, not by nagging.
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Originally Posted by MariaOfColumbia
Should I just watch and wait? Surely she'll ask me for advice before things get too bad- since she knows I'm successfully losing weight for the first time.
Not necessarily, especially if you have been nagging her. If someone had been nagging me about something, I would never ask them for advice about it just on principle. I am stubborn, though. Live a healthy lifestyle, offer healthy food for meals-keep junk out of the house. Don't nag her though. It will only hurt your relationship with her, make you seem "high and mighty" because of your weight loss (to her it will), and make her feel like her appearance is the only thing that matters to you.
Love and support her if she is 100 pounds, or 300 pounds. If she wants to lose weight, then she has to decide to do it for herself...not for you.
This is a topic that is bleeping loud on my radar screen at the moment. I am consumed with food and food facts. I know the caloric and fat and fiber content of every single thing that goes into my mouth. My brain is constantly juggling the statistics. Food is always front and center. Always has been.
In a way, right now that's a good thing, since I am in this stage of my life where I need to control it to lose some weight. But in another way, its really sorta sad that food is such a major issue.
My opinion right now is that nutrition needs to be taught to children in an intuitive manner, by repeated, everday observance of the grownups in their lives eating in a healthy manner. Not by talking about it all the time.
My former boss was raised in Scotland. His mother fed him three healthy meals a day with no snacks. Everyone around him ate that way too. And to this day - at the age of 70, he does not snack. He is very fit and healthy and eats good food. The moral of that little story is that children learn what they live. And once we've trained them the wrong way to do things over many years, we can't just say "Oops! My bad. No more Cheetos. Here's a carrot" and expect it to work. IMO, what we need to do is do things the right way and let them observe us and remain silent.
Sadly I think the only right thing to do is to not mention it to her. I know that it will be difficult for you, but I remember being your daughters age and whatever my parents said, I did the opposite. My Dad used to tell me all the time that I was going to get fat. Well he was right. Here I am 30 years old and I am fat. Point being I didn't stop my bad habits just because he warned me. It took 15 years for me to decide that I needed to lose the weight for myself. I know that it's gotta be hard because I know you don't want your daughter to struggle as we all have, but she has to want to change her own habits.
One suggestion though is to make sure that when she is home that she has healthy food options and maybe try a bonding thing. Taking walks together or something to get her active but without telling her that she needs to lose the weight. Doing that would only backfire on you.
I grew up with relatives always saying things about my weight - cousins, aunts, uncles, and my MOTHER. And get this, most of them are overweight! They are always saying, "You are going to end up fat." I was home for the entire summer and my mother would say, "You are getting heavy...You shouldn't be eating that...If you eat that, just have a little...You don't want to end up fat and alone."
The result? I'm fixated on my appearance, especially my weight. I'll even go as far to say that I am fixated on EVERYONE'S weight. I can honestly say that I would do anything to not be fat. It is my number one fear. I say that I had an eating disorder, but it never goes away.
This summer I got back up to 165, I'm not going back there ever again. The compliments stopped, the dates stopped, and my mother started with her comments again.
I was in the grocery store the other day and when I saw cookies all I saw was the word FAT. When I saw fruits and vegetables I saw the word SAFE.
Look, don't ruin this poor girl's life. I will admit that I'm all messed up. I cannot leave the house without taking photos to see exactly how I look in an outfit. I cannot eat without feeling guilty.
As others have already pointed out, making comments about her food choices is not nearly as subtle or innocent as you might believe. Your daugher is probably well aware of her weight problem and resents your helpful suggestions.
I agree with other the other posters who recommended preparing healthy meals for everyone in the house, as well as keeping junk off the premises. Since you're in the process of losing weight, you're probably already doing this.
Empowering your daughter was another good idea. One thing you could do is ask her to join a fitness class with you as moral support. You could ask her to train for a marathon with you or participate in a martial arts class. Tell her you want to use this time to bond with her, even if she thinks it lame.
As with so many others of you with body/weight issues, I had ( have) a mom who is so critical and opinionated about my weight. I do know she thought that she was doing it in my best interest. It has REALLY affected me and our relationship. Please be so careful with your daughter. Love her and she will know that she is loveable. Kids are critical enough, and trust me, she knows that she is gaining. Examples are the best teachers.
I admire all you moms with daughters who are working so hard at good foundations for body awareness.
One thing you could do is ask her to join a fitness class with you as moral support. You could ask her to train for a marathon with you or participate in a martial arts class. Tell her you want to use this time to bond with her, even if she thinks it lame.
I think that's a great idea, as long as its presented as "Will you help me?" rather than "Come on - you need to do this too."
I wanted to add that in the dance classes that I teach, and have taught-that I currently have a mother in law/daughter in law pair who come to class together, and I have had numerous mothers/daughters who take belly dance classes together. They love it, are being active, and having a great time doing it.
I agree with the posters who suggested the best strategy is getting the junk food out of the house and preparing healthy meals for the whole family. But I would challenge take it one step further--If you know her problem is that she's choosing junk food over healthy food, then the way you can make the most difference is to figure out how to cook healthy food so that it's more attractive to her than junk food. Believe me, it can be done.
Also, why not suggest a mother/daughter day at a spa? The weight loss topic may come up naturally in that environment, and if not, at the very least she will see that you are concerned about her appearance in a positive way, not just picking on her to lose weight.
My mother had me on a diet aged 7!!!! I think that was what made me fat! She was constantly dieting - I used to think Complan bars were COOL for chrissakes!!! I learned from her never to be satisfied with my body, to sit on my butt and moan about what I eat and to use chocolate to numb the pain, pass the time, treat yourself with. When she berated me I wanted to "sneak" food more. I'd steal money from her purse to buy sweets, then eat them when she couldn't see me. She knew though, "You're only cheating yourself" I was 8 years OLD!!!! I didn't know the first thing about nutrition, weight, salads being good, hydrogenated vegetable oil, HFCS, that exercising would make me feel good, that I had to consistently exercise to reap benefits. And you know what, now I've learned stuff - I'm the one helping her be healthy. I am her example and she now wants to be like me!
My mom never commented on my weight or body, thankfully, but she did stress healthy eating. My father, on the other hand (parents were divorced or Mom would have put a kibosh on this), made comments about needing to trim down from the time I was eleven until about ten years ago and I completely resented it.
I have a 16-y-o son who is height-weight proportionate. I've always stressed conscious knowledge of nutritional content, asking him regularly how many vegetables he ate today. My point is, say to her about nutrition and healthy living what you would say to any child.
I love the idea of taking a dance class with her! If I had a daughter I'd do belly dancing or hula classes. I always try to incorporate exercise into family time - frisbee golf, bike rides, swimming, walks, etc. This year I am thinking it would be nice to include physical activity on the holidays - a nice walk Christmas morning, sledding on Thanksgiving, etc.
I, too, have an hourglass figure and I don't think that I get really fat really quickly. If anything, extra weight is proportional and never centered in one area.
OK, obviously I was far too blunt for most people's taste in this thread! Thanks for the input, but I think I need to mention a few things.
I've always served healthy food. The only reason I got overweight was because I was simply eating too much of the healthy, often homegrown, mostly organic, homecooked low fat meals.
What bothers me about what she eats is the fact that she gets home from school before I get home from work, and often I find that she's made cream cheese icing (from scratch) to put on the *healthy* graham crackers I keep around for snacks. Or she buys sodas at work. Or if I've bought some ice cream, she eats a big bowl of that and then has no appetite for supper. She takes small portions and picks at them. The only comments I make about it is that she should fill up at supper, not on snacks when she gets home. I don't think that's excessive. I've never taught my kids to clean their plates- I'm fighting that conditioning myself and have never tried to inflict it on my kids.
I've never called her fat. My assumptions about the hour glass figure were based on my memories of high school and college and the army, where my friends who where shaped like that got big much faster than I did. I assumed it was a universal physiological difference- that maybe extra hormones made packing on fat easier or something- but I've never read anything like that. I apologize to those of you with that sort of figure. I didn't mean to step on your toes.
She's taking a "body-sculpting" class at her high school for a physical ed credit, so she's getting adequate exercise. She had judo lessons for years as a child, and rejected it at about age 10, so there's not much chance of getting her back into martial arts again.
Despite the fact that I've said nothing about her weight gain, I feel like it's my fault that she's gaining so fast. I've never dieted before where the kids would know- but they have noticed this time, since I'm definitely losing weight. It looks like, to me, that she's doing a stupid, ineffectual diet of her own- where she's eating small meals and feeling like she's accomplishing something, and then getting hungry, losing control and eating sweets to make herself feel better.
It's this sort of idiotic "diet" that I really don't want her to do, but I can't bring up the subject without- in effect- calling her fat. She's not, yet, but if she keeps going like she is she soon will be. You've all convinced me that I should continue not noticing what she weighs... and it doesn't really matter to me how eyepoppingly beautiful she is or isn't-- it's just that I know how much it means to her, and I worry that she'll become terribly depressed if people start calling her fat- and it's just so preventable!
That's what gets me the most. She's a good cook, and loves to eat and is considering being a chef. However, she needs to learn some self control in her eating.
But I can't teach her that now, not even by example, because my example seems to be what set her off- without me even saying a word.
*sigh* I'll just watch and wait, and love her no matter what shape she's in. I can't forbid her to buy candy, when it's her own money and she can drive herself to the store, or drop by one on the way home from work. I have to let her make her own mistakes.
If you want to do something for her-cook healthful meals. Serve fruit as dessert. Serve salad as a side dish. invite her to do something active with you. Lead by EXAMPLE, not by nagging. 
I am stubborn, though. Live a healthy lifestyle, offer healthy food for meals-keep junk out of the house. Don't nag her though. It will only hurt your relationship with her, make you seem "high and mighty" because of your weight loss (to her it will), and make her feel like her appearance is the only thing that matters to you. 
Don't say a darned thing!
I think that was what made me fat! She was constantly dieting - I used to think Complan bars were COOL for chrissakes!!! I learned from her never to be satisfied with my body, to sit on my butt and moan about what I eat and to use chocolate to numb the pain, pass the time, treat yourself with. When she berated me I wanted to "sneak" food more. I'd steal money from her purse to buy sweets, then eat them when she couldn't see me. She knew though, "You're only cheating yourself" I was 8 years OLD!!!! I didn't know the first thing about nutrition, weight, salads being good, hydrogenated vegetable oil, HFCS, that exercising would make me feel good, that I had to consistently exercise to reap benefits. And you know what, now I've learned stuff - I'm the one helping her be healthy. I am her example and she now wants to be like me!
