Hi all

I don't post often, but do lurk. I have read a lot of the adivce you all give, and now I am needing some.

Here is the situation:

My good friend is leaving for New Zeland (for a year). She is having a party at the end of the month. I have been invited. its an hour drive in heavy traffic and I have NEVER driven that way before. I get panicky driving on the highway in decent traffic and I would be driving alone in that traffic for my first time to go to her party. so I am probably not going to go. She doesn't leave until the end of October, and I will probably see her before she leaves. However, my brother is planning an engagment party for the end of October, but has yet to set a date. So if he sets it for that same weekend that I am supposed to see her, I will not be able to say goodbye to her properly.

My other issue and reason for not going is that at her last party I felt really out of place. I didn't know anyone and it seemed as though a lot of her friends didn't want to get to know anyone new. I hardly saw my friend all night. I really didn't feel like she wanted me there at all.

I feel like I am being a bad friend. I have cancelled another outing a month ago because I just could not get the nerve to drive alone. My healthy eating has suffered because whenever I feel like this (stressed) I eat.

am I being a bad friend? What should I do if my brother has is engament party on that weekend?

Is it possible for your friend to travel to see you instead? Not on the day of the party obviously, but another day? If it happens to be your brother's engagement party, couldn't she go with you? Does your friend know about your driving anxiety?

I know I hate going to parties... especially with people around that I don't know. But if this was my good friend I would find a way to get there. Worst case you leave a bit early if you are feeling too uncomfortable. Is there a bus (like grayhound) or something you can take to get there?

I wouldnt say you are a bad friend but if it were me I would do my best to be there as well as make arrangements to see her again alone.

Great idea on taking the bus. Also, some car services are not too expensive. They can run about $20.00 ea. way. Well worth it, to not go through the stress of driving. If neither of these ideas work, surely a good friend would be willing to meet YOU halfway to say goodbye. Friendship goes both ways remember. Good luck!

When I have to go to events where I don't know anyone I try and drag a friend or another relative. They can be your ride and entertainment. Show your face and then you can say..well my ride needs to leave when you're ready to go.

I dont know, Moondust. I will have 2 friends' bdays coming up and I'd rather not go to one of them (1- there will be people I don't like there, 2- no money, 3-this friend has been really mean to me lately), but I know for sure I'd be pressured to. I don;t know why this is, but my friends believe that if I skip out on one of their bdays, I'm being really disrespectful. I don't get this. None of them cared or even knew when my bday was. In fact, none of them even wished me a happy bday. Times like this, I hate being the loyal friend and attending to their social needs. I intend to go, say and eat as little as I can, hope that the time passes me by quickly, and just "be a good friend". When I say I'm going to be a good friend, I mean I'm going to sit my butt down at the party, and just be there, because apparently that's all I have to do to be a good friend. Nope, not those times of struggle when I helped her and she needed me the most, but just this ONE party determines how great of a friend I am. (The truth is, while I will be going to my friend's party, I want you to do what YOU WANT. You shouldn't feel pressured to go, especially if the last time wasn't too hot- if you know what I mean. Do what makes you feel best, because you need to make yourself happy sometimes)

veggielover,

I don't understand why you feel such loyalty to a person who by your own admission has been really mean to you lately. I certainly wouldn't go to her party. If you want to be kind, you could send her a card instead. If she asks why you didn't come, tell her the truth. Someone like that is not really a friend.

By the way, Happy Belated Birthday!

thank you fiddler! That just made me feel so much better....

I kind of lost my train of thought when I was reading/responding to this post. And it occurs to me in retrospect that it was rather rude of me to post a reply to veggielover but not to moondust, the originator of the thread.

So....Moondust, I know exactly how you feel about driving, because I am the same way. I think taking the bus is a good suggestion, if that is feasible. Another possibility is to reserve a motel room where the party is. It may be easier for you to make the drive if you don't have to go there and back all in one day. I know it is easier for me to make driving trips if I can break it up into chunks.

Are there any other people going to the party that you could ride with?

If you feel like you absolutely can't make the drive, I think you should be honest with your friend about the driving phobia, and see if the two of you can work out an alternative. You say she is a good friend, and a year is a long time to be gone. You don't want her to think you aren't coming because you don't care.

Moondust.

You said you have plans to see her in October. If this is not her offical goodbye party then I wouldn't worry about it. If she is a good friend she will understand that driving that way is just not comfortable for you. You have to get over you fear on YOUR terms...forcing it could cause an anxiety attack on the highway, not something you want as could cause a disatorous outcome. Just tell her that you would love to be there but can't because of your phobia.

Hi all,

thanks for your replies, I have given much thought to your suggestions.

I have thought about taking the bus or train, but since I am not working I don't have the money to do that. I have called my other friend, the only one that lives in this direction, but she has to work that day.

So I have decided to pass on the Party, I figure since its not her "offcial" goodbye until October, she will understand. I have made arrangments with my brother for him to plan his engagment party on any weekend but the one of her goodbye party. He had no problems with this, since they haven't even started planning it yet.