Please be warned this is a whiny and very rambling post. I know I have PMS, and that's part of what's going on, but I'm so frustrated and tired of waiting for the rest of this weight to come off. I'm of half a mind to just say "forget it, this is where my body wants to be" and just try maintaining.
I had lost three pounds last week, but they're back (I haven't changed my ticker though, because I'm being stubborn and insisting it's water). So I'm still hovering between 145-148, just like I have been for about four months, and I'm tired of it. I know I don't get the exercise I should, because I have lupus and I'm ALWAYS exhausted. But because of that, I usually keep my calories really low--less than 1300 a day. I'm afraid to go any higher than that; if I do, I get really upset with myself and end up purging. (I'm sorry if that grosses anyone out.)
There are days when I give myself permission to eat up to about 2200 calories; I do that on purpose, just to prove I can keep the food down. But I can't do it very often, because I just get really freaked out, like I'm going to gain all 90 pounds back overnight. *sigh*
I don't want to lose much more weight, just down to 130-135. But I haven't weighed that little since before puberty, so I wonder if I'm somehow sabotaging myself because I'm afraid to be thin? I don't splurge more than about one day a month, if that, and I journal everything I eat, so I know I'm not overeating. (I won't post menus here because I hate talking to people about the food I eat.) But it's healthy food, I drink lots of water, and I do exercise. Aside from the purging, which doesn't happen often, I'm doing everything right!
But I swear sometimes I think I've got this subconscious "thermostat" inside me that won't let me lose below a certain point. I've had my thyroid checked and it's normal, but I have to confess that I think our minds have more control over our bodies than modern science and medicine would have us believe; I think I'm purposely staying fat.
Ugh. I know this doesn't make sense, so I'm going to shut up now; I just had to get it out there. Thanks for reading.
Hey there tipsygypsy. You sound like you have a lot on your mind! I think maintaining for a while would be a great idea- and maintaining is definitely not giving up! I think eating low-cal is making you obsess about food. Take some mental health time. You should really talk to your doctor about your desire to purge; do you have a therapist?- I think not purging should be your first priority, and weightloss second (or third ). You've already gotten so close to your goal! Focus on your health and take care of yourself!
You know what always helps me when I'm feeling blue? Having a mental health day. If you can get a day off work, say, in the middle of the week... then take one off (if not just use a saturday or a sunday).
Sleep in late, wake up and make your FAVORITE healthy breakfast. After you eat go and take a nice hot bath/shower. Wash your hair and body really good and shave your legs. Once you get out of the shower, put lotion all over your body.
Give yourself a manicure, and a pedicure. Eat a nice, feel good, healthy lunch.
Just spend the whole day focusing on YOU and making yourself feel good. Think to yourself about how far you've come, and how little you have left to go. Be PROUD of yourself for what you've done and achieved. Take a look at all of the things that have changed since you've lost weight.
If you're feeling burnt out, try maintaining for a bit and see how things go. Once you feel like you're ready for it... then try to start losing again.
I agree with the other posters... Maybe you should give yourself some time to relax and forget about the scale. Maintenance is NOT giving up... it's what you'd be doing eventually anyway, so see it as practice.
You definitely aren't alone in this I really agree with those who suggest a maintenance break. Have you done any reading in the Maintainers forum? A lot of people feel exactly the same way (OK, the lupus certainly complicates your life). Most have found that a few weeks or months of maintenance teaches a lot of things:
How to actually maintain
You may actually discover that you are quite happy where you are
You may find that because you aren't so focussed on losing, and obsessing about it, you actually start losing again.
Try adding a few more calories on a daily basis rather than a "big calorie" day just to prove that you can keep it in you. How about bringing it up to 1500 calories with the addition of a healthy snack like an apple and a tablespoon of natural peanut butter?
You've lost a lot of weight- that's a GREAT accomplishment! And I really doubt that you are fat at that weight. Purging is as mentally torturous as it is bad for your body. Try to see the positive of what you've done and the great things about yourself.
I agree with Mel, you are not fat, and please don't think you are just because you haven't gotten down to your goal weight.
Yes, I believe maintenance is best for you at this time. Enjoy the successes you've created! What you have done is awesome and should be shouted from rooftops!
You are healthy and should see yourself as such, and isn't that that the goal for all of us anyways? Why should a # on a scale torture you so much? You are only human. Nurture yourself, stop punishing yourself. Enjoy life as you are now. There is nothing wrong being the weight you are. YOU ARE NOT FAT!!!
I would kill to be your weight, and so would a lot of other people. Time to start enjoying your life and relax a bit. YOU deserve it.
I know everyone's goal weight is different but I just wanted to let you know that you and I are the same height and my goal is 150 lbs. I won't be thin but it's a weight at which I felt good in the past and one I can maintain without making myself miserable.
Good luck getting through this moment and in finding out what works best for you.
Tempted to give up (talk of borderline ED here)
). You've already gotten so close to your goal! Focus on your health and take care of yourself!
