[shrinkingchica]

This is kinda related to neverland's post and kinda like a post I made about a year ago but............

I am now at a new graduate school where there are guys (yep, I am a women's college survivor) EEP!
I have never been uber comfortable talking with guys (because, growing up, not many guys want to be friends with the fat girl) and as I got older (and fatter) I started unconsciously reacting to the fear of rejection by being mostly brusque with guys and not very smilely at all. I would try to put men off from the get-go, "you probably not gonna even want me near you, so I reject you first" sort of thing.
Now I am lighter and feel a *bit* more comfortable with my body, but my mindset needs to change as well. I try to be a bit more friendly looking, but I don't feel that I have the courage to just go and sit at a table in the library with a guy (or, heaven forbid, guys) at it, I will opt for the girl table every time. I still feel like the fat chick, and, while I am chubby, I really don't think that people judge my weight anymore, even really guys.
So, my attention has turned elsewhere. Now I don't feel pretty enough. It used to be that when I was fat I would tell myself that I wasn't pretty, but if I were thin I would be. Well, now I am not far away from being *thin* and I am still feeling unpretty. I even still say to myself now that, oh, if I lose another 30lbs, then I'll be pretty. But really, how much is that gonna change my features??
So now I feel that I am too ugly (and I *know* that I am really not that bad looking, but......you know how it is) for guys to want to be around and that they won't want me near them because I am the ugly chubby chick or something.
I am so shy that I fear I will never have guy friends (or, dare I hope, a boyfriend). There are social (read: drinking) events at my grad school, but I am not that social (read: don't like to drink or go to bars) when it comes to that sort of thing. There are clubs, but I don't want to overwhelm myself at first.............. and I fear that I won't have the courage to walk up to a guy and start a conversation, I am too cowardly for that.

Help, Advice, Suggestions, Commiserations all welcome.

(Ah, glad I got that off my chest...............)

[veggielover]

Well, I have a friend that was just like you. The only problem was, once she got close to a guy, she became overly obsessed with him. I think that occasionally, some women who may have been sheltered from men just think too many things once they get close to them. I don;t know how you feel about guys, but my friend (whose got major self esteem issues) seems to be thinking wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.... out of line!

[card]

I do understand the super shy thing. but maybe if you put yourself in a position where men can approach you you can just respond. That is much easier than approaching. Instead of sitting at the all girl table, look for a table with no one else. Just an idea.

[nelie]

I used to be like you, in a way. I liked having guy friends and because of my degree (Computer Science), I was always around guys. Romantic/social situations were a completely different situation. I would even date guys but the moment that they kissed me (or tried to), I'd end it.

I don't know what happened, but I guess I decided that I would go with the flow and relax a bit when I dated. I had to work at my shyness and also date a guy that was understanding. Now that I'm getting married in a couple months, it is a big change from who I was not that long ago. I also found that I needed to date someone who I knew beforehand. I think you need to start making friends with guys and it will get easier.

[fiddler]

Guys are just people. Some are nice; some are not. I'm sure you've met girls who were catty about your weight--how did you deal with them?

I can see how events that women go to to "meet a guy" would be intimidating for you, because you've hardly even had casual contact with guys. Why not practice by just trying to talk to guys that you meet in your everyday life, instead of at an event? Like if you're at the supermarket and you see a guy putting something in his cart, ask if he has tried that product before and is it any good? Or just ask for the time?

Like Nelie, I'm in the computer field and almost everyone I work with is male. Most of my friends have been male. It's just like getting used to anything else, you have to force yourself to do it for a while then one day you realize you aren't bothered by it anymore.

[shrinkingchica]

Thanks to those of you who responded.

I just wanted to share something positive that I did today. I got out of my comfort zone and sat at a table in the library with a (cute!) guy at it.
I know, it is a stupid little accomplishment, but still an accomplishment for me!
*pats herself on the back*

[fiddler]

Good for you. Way to go!