What would you do?
 

I have lost a lot of weight since my friend moved out of state. I think I look better now than I have for many years. One of my challenges involved losing weight to around this goal date because I have been excited to see her and wanted to show it off.

So my friend that moved away came into town over the weekend. She's been saying for a couple months we should get together, she misses me, yadda yadda. Then she called yesterday and said lets all meet at her moms house where she is staying Saturday night. OK, so I make the plans. Then she calls today and says some 'crazy stuff' went down blah blah blah can we meet up somewhere Sunday? I finally get it out of her that the get together is still going to happen at her moms Saturday night but since her mom doesn't like me(long story but her mom is nuts), I am uninvited basically. She tried to cover it up and was nice about it but I am extremely offended.

Am I wrong to be so upset or is it justified? I mean she is an adult right? Seems at 33 she could tell her mom to get over it, or we could have it somewhere else. But no, there is a nice get together with a bunch of girls and I'm not allowed to go. I was supposed to meet her at the beach instead tomorrow but I'm going to call and cancel, i'm so mad.

I am having a hard time not comforting myself with food BUT all I have done bad is eat a little chocolate. It's that TOM for me so i'm craving it extra hard anyway. I have stayed in the calories range so far, but skipped out on my walk.

So, what would you girls say to her, if she were your friend? Since she stood me up totally last year when she came up, I'm about to cut my losses on this friendship. We used to be so close but we just aren't anymore. :(

That's so hard. She did this last time, too, eh? People change, maybe it's time to move on. *hugs*

Well, this is just me, but I'd tell her to have a nice day. If she can't tell her mother, "Hey, this girl is my friend and she's coming whether you want her to or not," then she wouldn't be worth my time.

But, again, that's just me and possibly a bit irrational, but I have a serious problem with people who lack balls.

kierr, hi there. :wave: That's a rough one and it does sound like you've just moved apart. Still, I think it would help you to perhaps realize that if you met up with her at the beach. You know it may be your last time to do so but you could still have a nice day. Yeah, I agree, she's probably pretty wimpy to give in to her mother, then again, her mother could really make things unpleasant for everyone else if you came. You did say the mother was wacko, right? Anyhow, go to the beach, enjoy the day, enjoy yourself. Don't worry if you're friends or not, or if you're going to meet again. Just have fun NOW! :sunny:

I once had a friend who told me that she couldn't take coffee breaks with me anymore, because her supervisor told her not to mingle with people from other units. I was kind of hurt, although I knew that particular supervisor and I didn't get along. Then I thought that if she would let someone influence her that much, she was not my friend. Had I been a little more experienced, I would have reported that as harassment.

Move on. She is a selfish uncaring person whom you don't need in your life.

Nuts or not, is his her Mom's house. It doesn't matter how old you are or what the relation is, it would be rude to entertain unwanted guests in someone elses home. Yes, her mother sounds like a real nut job (what grown woman can't ignore her feelings for the sake of her grown daughter and her friends?). But, that is neither here nor there - it is still HER home.

Why not organize your own get together with these girls? It doesn't have to be a big to-do, maybe just invite them for coffee, drinks out, or a simple walk on the beach.

In the meantime, if you are interested in keeping this particular friendship alive, you need to talk to your friend about your feelings. But, understand, that she is caught between two people that she cares about (presumably). In my opinion, it would be unfair to ask her to choose between the two of you especially for the sake of this one occasion. With that said, there is nothing wrong with cutting your loses if you feel the friendship has run its course. That happens and is certainly nothing to feel guilty about.

Good post.

Lucky: I double that..good post.

I would move on, since this is not the first time it has happened,I'll
bet there are other people who would like to have you for a friend.

This is very true. And it's possible her friend feels bad about having to tell her she wasn't invited. Or uninvited, whatever.

I've been in this situation before, where parents didn't want a particular friend of mine at their house. And I know what it feels like to tell this friend they don't want her there. It's not easy. Because I had to respect my parents' home, but at the same time I didn't want to hurt my friend's feelings. This is where I start to have a serious problem with the parent's point of view. Whether the mother wants this girl at her house or not isn't the point. The point is she put her daughter in a very tight position - a very hurtful position - and the next time my own father told me he didn't want a certain friend in his house, I went and handed him the phone and said, "Well you know what? Then YOU call and tell her."

That was the last time he ever did THAT.

Exactly, funny and very true. Thanks for letting me get all that off my chest. I wanted to go to the beach but I was just so hurt yet. I think it would have been so easy for her to clear it with her mom before she invited me over, or to set it up somewhere else since she felt that way, but she didn't. I didn't have the time to set up a get together myself, I only had one days notice and no idea what to do or where to go. :( ah well. Time to move her from 'friend' to 'friendly acquantance' I think. :)

Don't lose a friend over a mom. It hurt, but friends are hard to come by. It's also easy to judge someone about them not standing up to their mom, but thats a lack on their relationship, not yours. She should have cleared it ahead of time. That was a lack of foresight. If she wasn't that great of a friend to begin with, then that is one thing, but a good friend is worth keeping. My parents ragged about a friend of mine's appearance several times to me. They had enough grace to not do it in front of her. They liked her well enough (she had a muscluar disease). I thought it tacky of them to even comment on it and laugh about it. I told them so. They kept doing it. I couldn't make them stop. I never told my friend. She and I go back to middle school when she stood up for ME when others thought I was a freak for having a hearing loss. Not everybody has manners.

I agree with Lucky. Good post. It IS her Mom's house.

Im going threw the same thing right now!!! My best friend all durning highschool go married right after we graduated her husband went into the marines and they moved to South Caralina. Every year she would come home for christmas and only invite me to her house for her kids birthday party which is in december. I wouldnt get a phone call or anything any other time. Well she just moved back home like 4 months ago and she has only met up with me once. She's always saying we need to meet up but I invite her to do things weekly and she always has an excuse. Sometimes friendships arent meant to be I guess?!?! Good luck!

I don't think she did it on purpose, sweetie. I'm sure her intentions were good and like others are saying, it probably would have helped if she'd cleared it with her mother before inviting you. But maybe she assumed the troubles between you and her mother were water under the bridge? Maybe she assumed her mother could be grown up about the situation instead of acting like a child. Apparently she assumed wrong.

Yes, it is her mother's house - but I think some are missing the point. It doesn't matter whose house it is. They should have talked it over between themselves before doing an actual invite.

If I were the mother, I would have put my 'bad' feelings aside so my daughter could be happy and enjoy herself with ALL of her friends instead of letting her go through the whole day feeling bad that one of them had to be left out.

In this case, it's the mother who lacks balls and she was being very childish and selfish. Regardless of who owns the blasted house.

Meaning... her mother could have handled it a little more tactfully. Reassessing the situation, I don't think your friend did any of this on purpose.

My brother was 12 years old and stuck at an airport flying back from our dad's to his moms. I remember him calling from the airport cuz he lost his ticket (and he was halfway home). My dad said "what the f**k to do you want ME to do about it" and hung up. My dad is great to me but wasn't so great to my other siblings. I think because he raised me, we had a different bond. I felt so bad I went out to the truck to get the information for the airflight. I was gonna call them myself. I tried to do it in secret because my dad was already being a major jerk. He caught me and asked me if I was gonna "bail him out" (said it in a snide way). I can remember us yelling and then I said, well somebody has to. He told me to let him bail himself out. I told him, he is a MINOR. Who is the grownup in this relationship (between my dad and my brother)? I don't think it is YOU! I stormed off and defiantly TRIED to page my brother and make sure everything was okay. I couldnt' reach him. I heard later that someone found him crying and felt sorry and looked up his ticket and sent him home.

My point to everything is no matter how much we want our parents to be grown ups in every situation, it may not happen. As a child of his, I could do NOTHING to change his mind, though I did try to change the situation.

Talk it through with your friend. Chances are she felt just as bad.

Awww, poor thing :(

And you're right, parents don't always act mature about things. Lord knows my parents were the king and queen of childish behavior. They definitely don't always handle things the way they should. I'm no perfect parent either. But I DO know I wouldn't put my daughter in a position that she'd have to tell her friend she was no longer invited or leave my son stranded at an airport.

I swear, sometimes the parents are more childish than the kids.

I'd evaluate the friendship. Where is it going? Is she there for you when you need a friend? Are you there for her? Is it completely one sided?

You're friend should have known that her mother doesn't care for you and arranged to have the get together some place else where every one she wanted was welcome. (Hey, it'a a fact of life that not everybody likes everybody. Try not to take it personally about her mom. She sounds very immature.)

Not every friendship stands the test of time, we grow in different directions with our life experiences and such.

I've lost track of what was a good friend when I was in college she married, dropped out of college had 2 kids became a sahm, her husband didn't make much money and they had the difficulties of making ends meet on a basically a little over poverty level. I made different choices. We stopped having any common ground after a few years. I miss what we had when we were in college but not what we had shortly before the friendship fizzled out. That wasn't worth the hassle.

Sarah

I agree with a lot of what other posters have said, it is her mother's house. I would never want to force anyone to do something they didn't want to do.

BUT, that being said, my thought was, that if I was her, 33, an adult and I had genuine friends that I wanted to see and my mother couldn't deal with it, I would find somewhere else to have the get together. If my mother wanted to be the petty one, then it should be her to miss the first gathering. I would do the "adult" thing with my friends and then see my mother after. That is, IF these were people I really wanted to see.

Yes, it is very telling about the relationship between mother and daughter, but it also tells a lot about how the friendship is going. Don't stress and don't count on her, just have fun however you feel comfortable. :hug: