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Old 06-03-2006, 06:06 PM   #1  
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Default feeling helpless and frustrated

hey girls... i dont want to dump this on anyone but i really need to spill this or i'll explode... i go to college in upstate NY and i usually avoid going home for schoolbreaks (such as spring break, summer) because i have asthma and my mother chain smokes (there are so many other reasons why but that is the most immediate one that i face when i get home). the thing is, i am in a long distance relationship with someone who lives near my mother. so whenever i am faced with the decision to go home im caught whether or not to because i want to see him but not my mom. anyway, i hadnt been home since january so i decided last week to drop by since i missed my hometon anyway.. and i figured one week with her wouldnt be so bad. well i was WRONG as ever...

i just graduated college and i have to return next semester for a second degree program...so i figure, its my summer, let me chill for a week at home. i didnt really make any plans because i dont really have any friends back there...just my bf who works 14 hours a day and doesnt really have that much time to spend with me.

well, EVERY afternoon my mom would call my phone and be like "have you exited the house today? its really nice outside and you need the exercise!" mind you i am a recovering insomniac... she would badger me about signing up for a gym back in my college town (WHICH I DID, before she ever said anything about it) and be like "please, you need to do it, you're fatter than ever and it's disgusting, how did i make a mistake raising you"...

now, i left her house in the middle of the night two days ago to return to my college town to spend the summer because i decided that i just couldnt take that kind of crap anymore. LAST NIGHT she calls me up, DRUNK out of her MIND and is like "did you sign up for a gym?" and i said yes, i did, and i told you that before.. then she continues to tell me what a failure i am and that my little cousins who are 7 and 9 asked her why i am so fat and she told them it is because i eat and dont exercise (mind you, every time i muster up the courage and endurance to start losing weight again she starts this crap and i feel helpless all over again... so i dont know how she expects me to do this)...she told me that AT MY GRADUATION she discussed my obesity with my boyfriend and that he had a problem with it as well...but he never mentioned anything to me about it... and i said plain and simple, if you are going to call me up and just harass me about how fat i am then dont call me ever again because it is doing me more harm than good.

and right now i feel betrayed by my boyfriend and angry at my mother and humiliated because of what she told my cousins... thank god i am at home now in my college town, and that i live ALONE so i can hide from everyone whenever i want to...
i did sign up for a gym and i plan to go tomorrow (it's closed today) and if i am going to get healthy i will do it for me and not ANYONE else...i just hate when her words trip me up and make me want to stay at the weight i am at just out of spite..
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Old 06-03-2006, 06:51 PM   #2  
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oh boy do you deserve a big

sounds like your mom has a major substance abuse problem. So you weren't talking to her, you were talking to her while she was high, which is a different person completely. I just don't know how much stock I'd give to what she says to you while she's in that state.

I think it's wise of you to create some distance. Maybe you could talk to a college counselor about the situation, or a local group. Get as much support as you can.

Take care, and hang in there!

PS It's not about weight.
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Old 06-03-2006, 06:56 PM   #3  
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Mothers after chocolate, Desperate Housewives re runs and krispy kremes, the biggest cause of obesity, IMHO

OK maybe that's a bit harsh, but our mums sometimes love us so much, that they lose sight that what they are telling us is not helping.

It's really hard to cut yourself off from the remarks, I know this from experience. Already (and bear in mind my mum lives in Australia and me in England) I am worried about seeing her later this month. I just know she is going to criticise my eating (I plan to relax in Oz) and say stuff like "oh you look much better, but your bum is still enormous)

As for the boyfriend, I'd be pretty sure to check on whether what your mum is saying that he said is the truth (does that make sense) She might have been going on and on about your weight and he might have said a throw away line like "yeah I know" just to agree and shut her up (typical man thing)

I hate how when my mum acts like your mum my inner three year old just wants to eat and eat and get fatter.........and in fact I did that for years and years. I first got sent to weight watchers at 15 and 170lbs and then did nothing more about my weight until I was 32 and 262lbs.

Don't do this.........not to be recommended.

You're a smart fat chick, do this, do it for you, and make yourself proud.

If your mum is proud of you, all the better, if not, it doesn't matter.

Oh and the asthma thing, my dad was a chain smoker too, and now has emphysema. I have had asthma since I was a baby. He was so upset when he got diagnosed, because he finally realised how much I had struggled with my breathing over the years.
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Old 06-03-2006, 07:20 PM   #4  
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You really do need a big hug!!!!!!!!!!
Your mom needs to be hit over the head and given a swift kick in the butt!!!!
Our families are sometimes our worst enemy and sabatouge anything positive that we try to do for ourselves.
I think you are doing best by avoiding her and limiting your contact with her. You might also think about seeing a counselor to help you learn to deal with her.
Feeling better about yourself is number 1 priority!!
Doing things for yourself is really important!!
Cling to your friends!!!
I'm like the rest of these guys, don't take a lot of stock in what a drunk woman is saying!!! You can better believe that she is trying to make it look like she knows everything. I would talk to my boyfriend before I believed what alcohol was saying!!
Anyway, here is a few more hugs!!
And I'll send up a prayer for you too!
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Old 06-03-2006, 07:58 PM   #5  
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Wink Hugs

for you! I agree with the other gals here. You need to make YOU a #1 priority right now and also coming from a child of a mother AND father who were alcoholics as well as most of my family, the girls here are correct, its the alcohol talking. Trust me, I used to get made fun as a child by my own family, never by my mother, but by my own father, grandfather and my uncles.

Its heart renching, but you just got to let what they say go in one ear and out the other, as hard as that may be and just do what is right for YOU!

As for your boyfriend, have you asked him if he said anything like that? Talk to him, don't go by what your mom says.

Also remember you got a great group of women here who care about you.
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Old 06-03-2006, 08:42 PM   #6  
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I totally understand what you're dealing with. I can see that you feel hurt even more than the helplessness and frustration.

I'm going to throw out some ideas for coping. Pick any you like and let the others go.

1. You're over 18, right? So you don't have to listen to Mom any more. Next time she starts, you give her an ultimatum. Say you simply won't listen to her harp on your weight again, that you'll just hang up on her. You can always say "No, I don't have to take this from you. If you want to talk with me, then let's have a good talk. Otherwise, I'm hanging up now." Also, "I'm not going to listen to you when you're drunk. Good-bye."

2. She's your mother, so presumably she knows how her smoking affects your asthma. So if you prefer not to stay with her, you can just bring that up as your reason. No apologies. She's the one who should be making an effort to keep her addiction from harming her daughter! Stay with your bf, if you like.

3. If relations are somewhat okay with your mother, you could make a deal with her that if she'll quit smoking, you'll diet. It could benefit you both, and you could support each other. If she won't go for it, then you need not answer to her about not dieting (see #1 above -- you don't need to, anyway).

4. Yes, talk with your boyfriend. He wouldn't be your bf if the weight was that much of a problem. He'll probably be very supportive when you do get going on the dieting and workouts. But do clear the air and get the story on what he told your mother, or the hurt will just fester inside you.

5. You could always take a walk when the gym isn't open. It's a gentle way to start moving, and you control how much you do at any one time.

6. YES, diet and exercise fot YOU, not for anyone else! Do what you can. If you arent ready for the diet, try the gym for a few weeks. And do it when YOU are ready and willing.

Btw, I too had a mother who was such a problem that I stopped talking to her. It was for a different reason, but what a relief it was!

I also had a chain-smoker father I adored but couldn't be around. (I don't have asthma, but I get very sick from even minute amounts of smoke.) He never even once tried to quit until he was diagnosed with emphysema. He was the type who always succeeded at whatever he did, but he couldn't quit the smoking and eventually he died of it.

Oh yeah, and congratulations on graduating college! You're certainly NOT helpless!
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Old 06-03-2006, 09:24 PM   #7  
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Originally Posted by kykaree

Mothers after chocolate, Desperate Housewives re runs and krispy kremes, the biggest cause of obesity, IMHO

You're smart enough to know you can't take everything your mother says to heart. I know it's VERY hard not to, but distancing yourself is a good move, I think. My mother wasn't outright abusive when it came to my weight, but I always had a feeling she was thinking it because nothing I did was ever good enough (I would come home exstatic with a 95 on an exam, and her response would inevitably be, "Why wasn't it a 100?" UGH!).

I definitely agree with others here about your boyfriend, also. Talk to him, because I'd be willing to bet money that what actually happened was your mother was ranting about you and he just smiled and nodded. I've had this problem with my boyfriend' mother on occasion--they don't get along particularly well, so he'll snap at her about something, and she'll come to me with things like, "How do handle him? He treats me like such garbage [so not true]. He needs to learn to respect me..." yadda yadda yadda, and she won't listen to anything I say, so I often don't say anything at all. I bet it's a similar situation in your case, so clear the air with him before you get upset with him
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Old 06-05-2006, 07:45 PM   #8  
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aw girls thank you so much for your words...yeah i ended up talking to my bf and he told me what he said to her and it was pretty much what you guys said- that he just nodded and said "uh huh" to shut her up... well, i did tell her not to call me with that message anymore so i feel good about that...and i have been working out... *YAY*
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Old 06-05-2006, 09:47 PM   #9  
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And yay from me! You dealt with some unpleasant things there, and you're working out now! You go!
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Old 06-05-2006, 10:16 PM   #10  
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I have an aunt who occasionally calls me up drunk and discusses my "issues" with me. She never talks about my weight, but about my parenting techniques or whatever. I hang up on her. It's not really nice, but it works.
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Old 06-05-2006, 11:44 PM   #11  
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I give you kuddos on the way you handled that situation I don't know if I could have handled it as maturely as you did.

sometimes mothers mean well but they dont know how to express theirself or give advice most mothers think tough love is the only way to get their points across, but regardless of what she or anyone else say you will deal with your weight when you are ready do it for you and no one else.

I am glad you talked to your boyfriend I would have bet eveything I own that it did not go down the way she said, I know he felt uncomfortable and corneded decided to play it safe and not say anything and she just took it as he agreed with her.

good luck to you try to stay focus and I am hear cheering you on
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