Comfort :O(
 

I cant go to anyone else with this very (to me) painful experience this weekend that wont leave me alone, so I just need to be able to talk about it here.
I went to a festival with my guy. I wore a sexy new tank top (not really a tank top, a strappy top you'd wear out at night) and a skirt, feeling kinda sexy and summery and ready to be oogled by my guy as we play kissy face out in the sunshine listening to good music together.

It was a disaster. There was no spot in the crowd to watch the band that wasnt PACKED with tiny, tan, beautiful young women wearing next to nothing. The ENTIRE show, my guy stared at their bodies. Every single time I looked at him, he wasnt watching the show, wasnt watching me, but rather one of his favorite couple of girls around us. I felt like disappearing into the dirt. I felt like I was at the show alone. Now I wish I had been. How mortifying. Even though I was upset with him, I also felt bad for him, that he has to go home with the gross ugly one. He doesnt have what he wants.

All of my discipline and hard work, and Im just a blob no one wants to look at. Every time I think about that day, my stomach sinks and I just feel HORRIBLE about myself. So undesirable. Who would want me when there are girls like that out there? And apparently in such great number?

I want what they have so badly. And I want my guy's eyes on me. I am going to bring up the day to him, but I have to do it in a casual way.

So now, we're going back this coming weekend to see a different show. I dont want to go because I dont want the day to be ruined. But I have to go, Ive been waiting to see this performer for over 10 years. Im definitely GOING - This whole deal isnt going to take that away from me, no way no how, but I know I am NOT strong enough to keep it from ruining my experience there if he comes and does the same thing he did last time.

I kinda get sick to my stomach thinking about feeling that bad again... every single time I looked at him, his eyes were pushed all the way over to the side, looking sooo desirously at this girl.

Im not going to be able to put up with it.

Obviously he went with you because he wanted to be with you. If his eyes were really straying that much, you might mention it to him. Maybe you could suggest that you want to go with one of your friends next time. My ex-husband used to always stare at other women when we were out together and it made me feel horrible about myself. Good luck with this sticky situation. No matter what, don't give up on yourself and the positive changes that you are making that will make you feel great in the long run.

Thank you so much Lily.
And I think that is a very good idea. I was thinking that too, that I should go with someone else. That would also give me an opening to say something about it... "I was thinking I would go with a girlfriend this time." "Why?" "Well, last weekend...."

Ill think about it, thanks so much.

Did you mention this to him when he was actually staring at the other women? I would have said something right then and there. If he wants a pretty girl that has a crappy personality, then he is not the guy for you. If he loves you, but got caught up in all the ladies, he may not even have noticed it. Men look around and if they see boobs that is where their head stops. I would come to him, and tell him that when he was with you at the festival, he didn't talk to you or pay you any attention, and that hurt your feelings. I wouldn't bring up the fact that he was staring at other women, because that will make you both feel bad. I would also tell him that the changes you are trying to make in your life are very hard for you, and it would be great if he could help you out by being a little gentler and making you feel special. If he looks at you and doesn't know what the heck you are talking about, may be you should re-evalute your relationship. But most of all, the way people treat you is a direct reflection of the way you demand to be treated. My man knows that if his eyes strayed (as well as mine) that I would be quick to tell him to show me a little respect. I think you need to start inforcing that right now, and let him know that you demand more respect than that from him. And finally, you are a strong, beautiful person...but there will always be someone prettier, or thinner or tanner...you have to love yourself and realize that he and anyone else is lucky to have you...and no amount of tan skinny women will change that.

Don't be so hard on yourself. I agree your boyfriend wasn't giving you the attention you wanted and deserved. However, you have the choice to feel like it's your fault because you don't measure up (the way you've been thinking). Or you can choose to blame him. You're a beautiful woman who deserves your man to pay attention to you, and if he doesn't, the problem is with him and not you.

I don't mean to sound hard and insenstive, but I've been in your shoes. I spent a lot of years in an abusive relationship. This man was abusive and unfaithful. He made me feel like I was worthless. I now realize that while I didn't ask for the abuse, I had the choice to leave. I had the choice to listen to him. I had the choice to let him strip me of any self-esteem I had left. The choice was mine to make. I no longer choose to let others make me feel bad.

Don't let him make you feel bad or ugly. Talk to him and let him know how he made you feel. Believe in yourself. And at the next concert, go with the attitude that you look good and you know it. If he doesn't give you the attention that you deserve, then the problem is with him. Keep working and trying to be the best you can be. I believe in you. Believe in yourself.

Jill - thank you so much for that beautiful post. My man doesn't have a staring prolem (or I have never seen it) but it still worries me. We have talked about going to visit his dad this summer and his dad's girlfriend has 3 daugters a bit younger then me and they are little skinny things AND I think at least one of them has a crush on my boyfriend. I wanted to try and lose as much weigh as I can before then. I knew all that stuff in your post but it really makes me feel better to read it. I just wanted to say thanks.

Did he at any point make any effort to show you that he was happy with you, or did he make any sign whatsoever that your efforts are appreciated? It would be absolute crap if you went out of your way to show how good you feel about yourself and he stomps all over it. You definitely need to talk to him about this, or it'll just fester in your heart and you'll get more and more upset by it.

LOL I agree, Jill! Getting upset with a guy for not noticing things, or trying to train him otherwise, is a wasted effort. <G>

Yup, have to agree here as well. You have to love him as is!

Try temporary deafness - just say 'Sorry? Did you just say I look amazing today?'

Generally they say that they did! Gets the message over in a fun way. Of course sometimes they say 'No I said I can have a cup of tea?' in which case you tickle them. That's my way of working anyway.

I cant thank you all enough for what youve said. You gave me the comfort I needed, I cant believe it, and I feel so much better - not about what happened, but about dealing with it, and knowing Im not alone.

I did indeed say something to him while it was happening. I just couldnt believe how LONG he was staring uninterrupted, and ACROSS me to look at her, so I leaned in and blurted out in a loud whisper (loud enough so just he could hear me over the crowd) "would you STOP STARING?" He said, "What? What did you say? Stop not staring at you? huh?" I thought that sounded good enough, so I said "Yes!" He stopped for 10 seconds then resumed his cocked head. I hadnt really wanted to say anything... I was trying to not put a negative "vibe" on the evening, but it just came out cause I couldnt stand the excessiveness of it.

Jilly its so nice that your guy is like that, that is the ideal way for that situation to pan out. Thank you for sharing your story, and for the nice thoughts. Im not sure I can convince myself that he wouldnt drop me in a second if one of those girls came over and said they wanted him for their own! :O_
Courtnie I hope nothing happens to make you feel bad on your trip. :O( Im sure youll look terrific, and dont tolerate any intrusive crap from the girl who might have a crush!

No he didnt say a thing to me about how I looked - though I understand about how guys often just dont do that... man I wish they would. Well, he has before, and OMG it made me feel so good. We were going out on the town, and I had these knee high black boots on and a skirt and my hair down and he said "OH MY GOD. YOU LOOK SO HOT" and he stared and stared at me. Which was WONDERFUL, only that was like the only time, so now all the other times, I think I must not look hot LOLOL.

But this weekend, he didnt even look at me twice. I started to wonder how he could even be sure I was still there with him! Seriously!

Anyway, ok. I have to say something to him. I am NOT going to the concert next weekend only to feel that way all over. I just cant.

Thanks CW, I know a lot of the problem is just him, Ive had guys who dont do this to me, and if he cant not do this, then I need a different guy, because it makes me feel too bad.

:::::Hugs to everyone::::: I just cant thank you guys enough for the support and advice.

I would just have him read this thread. I think you will get your point across and give him a few pointers.

I had the same thing happen to me and I held it in until one day it just to me and I was so upset and hurt. I think that is the worst part being hurt. But after talking and crying he now understands.

This reminds me of a thing that happened recently with my husband and a few of his co-workers at lunch. They went out to lunch on their break, and were at a restaurant where a couple of the men were ogling and staring at some young "hot" waitresses. They were oohing and ahhing, and one of them asked my husband what he thought. He said he "didn't". They asked him why he wasn't commenting, etc. and my DH, and the other happily married co-worker told them that the reason why they (the other men they were with) were still single, or divorced, is because the "hot factor" is what they were going after.

My husband and his married friend told them, that the "hotness" fades-and that what they should be looking for is someone who takes care of them, someone who is their "friend", someone who will cook, has common interests, someone who is interesting, would take good care of their children, and so on and so forth-naming a million attributes of a good woman that have nothing at all to do with looks. The "single/divorced" men at the table couldn't believe their stance on the whole thing.

I often think about this when I compare myself to all of those young, thin, and tan little ladies that we see half dressed at the concerts, the beach, and the mall.

I think that a different attitude is needed. It doesn't matter if I get down to 115 pounds eventually, and go to the tanning bed every day. That isn't going to get rid of my stretch marks-and I will never have the back end of an 18 year old who has never had any children. I can never compare to that.

BUT-there are a million and two ways that that little thing could never compete with ME. She can't make the homemade soup that my husband loves so much. She couldn't deal with the pain of carrying and birthing the 9+ and 10+ pound babies that I did-so if my stretchmarks are my trade for giving my husband the children whom he adores with all of his heart, I will take them.
Her firm little breasts have never given life and nourishment to an infant and made them grow as mine did. While her biggest concern seems to be getting her acrylic nails filled, and what "status symbol" brand of purse she is carrying-I have spent my life devoted to the arts, and have met people and experienced things that she will only dream about.

I believe that this is the same for EVERY woman. A cute butt doesn't compare to a woman who has earned her law degree. Young skin doesn't compare to a woman who has battled and survived cancer. Hair highlights like Britney Spears do not compare to a woman who has learned and carried on the lost arts of rolling homemade noodles for the holidays like her great grandmother, or has devoted her life to others by being a teacher, or nurse, etc.

There are so, so, so many ways that these young little "perfect" girls cannot compare to REAL WOMEN. :D

I will never be 17 again...and I don't want to be. While it is nice to look back and think about how great I "looked" then, I have much, much more to offer someone now as a grown woman.

They may be nice to look at...but that could be very well ALL they have to offer.