[HarpoChicoGroucho]

I have a question for everyone. Okay, I've lost lots of weight, and everyone I know and see in my life has complimented me and said how great I look and everything except one person: my dad. He has not said ONE word. Not even asked, "Hey, are you losing weight?" (I usually take this as a slight compliment). I KNOW he has to have noticed. It just really hurts my feelings that he hasn't acknowledged all of my hard work. My mom has told me how proud of me she is and so has every other member of my family. Why would a parent do this to a child? And for some background, he's only ever said 2 positive things about the way I look: 3 or 4 years ago when I got a new shirt (at a heavy weight) he said I looked nice and one time he told me my hair looked pretty. He has never said anything else. But when I was heavier, he did make a few sporadic, very hurtful comments about my weight that absolutely devastated me. Are there just some people who never compliment other people or is it that I'll never be good enough in his eyes?

[fitbyforty]

You look fantastic and you should be very proud of yourself.Some people are just like that,is he the same with the rest of your family?Some people just can't be pleased for anyone.Define your own self worth,that will help keep you on track.Do it for yourself.

[aerotigergirl]

I'm really sorry to hear that your dad is making things difficult for you. A couple of thoughts...

Since you said that your dad has rarely given you compliments in your life, it sounds like perhaps he has a problem expressing his own thoughts. Maybe he is afraid of something? There are tons of reasons why people sometimes want to keep distance between themselves and others... I'm sure it isn't because he hasn't noticed. You've lost over 100 pounds! He has definitely noticed.

My other idea is that he's noticed but he doesn't want to fuss over it because he thinks it might make you feel like you weren't beautiful or worthy of his love before you lost the weight. I have experienced this sort of sentiment in my own life, I know. It's tough, because you know how hard you've worked, and you're proud of yourself, so you want the people you love to be proud of you, too. It's a difficult situation.

Maybe the answer would be for you to just sit down and talk to your dad about it. Especially if you feel like you're needing to earn his love by losing weight. I'm sure, no matter how uncomfortable your dad may be with intimate talks like that, that he'd want you to know that he loves you just as much at your current weight as he did at your starting weight. Good luck. I know it's tough.

[HarpoChicoGroucho]

No way could I ever sit down with him and talk about our feelings! That would be so awkward and uncomfortable and I'd break down sobbing anyway. We're (for the most part) a pretty emotionally distant family, but it hasn't stopped anyone else from commenting.

I don't necessarily feel like I need to earn his love, but I definitely seek his approval, and I haven't felt like I have it.

Does anyone else have a father that seems so hard to please concerning their weight and their looks? I've heard of plenty of people who have mothers who will never be supportive of weight loss efforts, but fathers? I just wish I could see a look of pride of my dad's face when he looks at me. I've never seen him look at me that way.

[sotypical]

I can't say my father - but my step father. I lived with him for 11 years. I can't say that I have trouble pleasing him with my weight and looks IMO that is my concern not his. But I can NEVER seek his approval. And like you - he never has anything to compliment me on.

My whole life - come home with a bunch of A's and a C+ and all I hear is, "Why did you get a C+?"
I got accepted in to college and worked SO hard to get into the program - even got the first half paid for not to mention $1000 scholarship for being so good in my field - I finished my program and I got a practium for a big company in Vancouver. I then got an AMAZING job (all by the age of 19!!!) never ONCE got a congratulations or a way to go! All I got was, "what are you goona do with your life? how are you going to get money? can you actually get a job doing that? you better make sure before you waste your time!" Always the impression that I was wasteing my life.
He was good at telling me what looked fat or made me look fat. "You shouldn't wear that, I can see down your shirt. Take that off" AND THEN my little sister would start at it too.
Any guy I have ever dated was never good enough, he always had something to say about them.

Nothing - NOTHING - is ever good enough. I was working two jobs at one point, I was out of the house from 4:30am-10:15pm (I would have an hour at home to change clothes) and he would always ask why I didn't clean.

I spent my whole life trying to please him - make him happy - seek his approval. Have him tell me what a good job I did. I appreciate what he did for me - and at the same time I worked HARDER trying to make him happy then I probably would of otherwise. But it was upsetting and always will be. We definatly get along so much better now that I don't live there anymore. haha

Sorry that was long - just wanted you to know you are not alone.

[MtaTJac]

My father, in all of my life has been a quiet man. He showed his love in other ways than with words. I knew he loved us, and I could usually tell he approved based on his expression. But compliments or acknowledgements beyond that were rare to none. Even after his major health problems and a complete 180* flip, he still won't volunteer compliments to anyone.

So I definately understand your disappointment there. I haven't even began to think about how I will deal with that lack of emotion when I can tell a difference in my weight.

I don't have any advice for you, but just wanted to let you know taht youa re not alone in this situation.

[fitgal2]

Just my 2 cents...

You should talk to your dad about your feelings...he's YOUR DAD... if something were to happen to you or him tomorrow, you (and he) may not have a chance to say everything you wanted to say-would you be OK with that?. I am just speaking from a different point of view. I ve been in the situation to an extent. the only way to find out what he is thinking is to talk to him. Yes it will be hard and uncomfortable and you may cry (is that sooo bad?) but at least you will know you let him in on how you feel. You may be surprised, he may have been holding back all this time waiting for you to "show" him its OK to talk to you in this way...

[timmyshawn]

Just a thought. But I know that with Dh's family (I have no contact with mine), his dad is the same way, and whenever one of us "kids" have an issue with something we will mention it to his mom and she will then take it upon herself to discuss it with him and then he will either come to us and say something or she will come back to us and explain why he said or did whatever. so if it were a situation like your's I'd tell his mom "ya know do you think daddy is happy about the weight loss, because he never says anything about it and that kind of bothers me. Has he said anything to you about it?" and then she'd go back and have a talk with him. maybe you could try something like that if it is really bothering you.

[sotypical]

I KNOW - with my step dad. Anytime I TRIED for his opnion, like "does this look nice on me?" "isn't this a nice website I made?" etc, etc, I either heard something I didn't want to IE that looks bad on you or I got a "humf" for an answer witch I leanred to mean, "yah;" however, I never got the answer I was looking for.

I remember ONCE last year when I was living in Vancouver finishing my pratium we got in a fight, I was crying my eyes out, he was yelling his face off at me for something and thats when I scream 'I am so sick of this! nothing I ever do is good enough for you! I work for hard, I have top marks and working for a huge company and you never once congratulated me and your not even proud of me!' thats when he replied with 'I am proud of you! I tell my customers that your working for this big company, but you know what courtnie - I don't even know the name of it when they ask me.' So when I look back on it now - did I ever even TELL him the name of where I was working? Not sure but probably not because I didn't think he cared. It turned out he DOES care he just has a REALLY bad way of showing it.

Shortly after that I ordered myself some business cards and they came in the mail. I needed them the day they came (arrived just on time) - long story short when I opened the box there was a handful missing. I asked my sister where they were and she told me "daddy (her dad - my step dad) took some to show his friends!"

There is a point behind this. I KNOW how hard it is to sit down and have a converstation with a man like this without crying. I think this man has seen me cry more then my own mother. But when it comes down it - he may not show it - but he does care and he does notice.

[Tippy]

You will never get your father's approval until you don't need it.

[aphil]

I have to say, that maybe this is not a case of your father being critical, or unloving, or what have you...maybe he just isn't a "complimenting" type of person. Some people are just not that way, and there isn't anything you can do about it.

People's personalities go the whole scale from "peppy-cheerleader-bubbly all the time" (and I want to strangle them within an hour ) to very reserved and quiet. It doesn't make someone a bad person...just different.

My father is a very, very reserved person when it comes to complimenting someone. He just doesn't "gush" over others, and he never comments on my hair, clothes, weight, or anything either. But-I know he loves me. He would do anything for me, or my children, if I really needed him. I know that, and I accept that about him.

Just because someone doesn't compliment out loud, does not mean that they disapprove. Remember that. I am sure he is proud of you, and thinks you are beautiful-he just isn't the type to say it.

[HarpoChicoGroucho]

Thanks everyone for your opinions ~ they have really made me feel better and think more clearly about my situation. I am wondering if my dad & I got into a fight (we never do, we're both the non-confrontational types; it's only happened twice and that was when I was a teenager) and I accused him of not being proud of me, he would finally say he WAS proud of me, like Courtnie's step dad.

I would be devastated if I lost him, because there are so many unresolved issues between us. Him and I are just very unique individuals and the ironic thing is we are also very much alike. We're not the most psychologically of healthy individuals (we actually suffer from exactly the same ailment and this has never been discussed between us) and although I'm better at expressing my emotions and feelings, we still hide them the majority of the time.

He's a smoker, and I was just thinking if he quit I would say to him: "I'm so proud of you for quitting smoking." And you know what? I don't think that I could. But I would be immensely proud and I would tell my friends and co workers (that is if I still had any). I think I could write it in a card better than I could say it to his face. But I easily can compliment anyone else. We have an almost cryptic relationship. We always have to guess what each other is feeling. He has a picture of me in his wallet, but I wonder if he's ever pulled it out and showed anybody.

I do want to sit down with him one day and have an intimate conversation with him (especially before I lose him) to tell him how influential and important he has been in my life. And maybe then he finally could say he's proud of me.

Thanks again everyone!!

[penpal]

Although I know my dad (age 84) loves me dearly - he has NEVER said the words "I love you" to me. When I was younger he would often call me "bessie" (as in bessie the cow) or refer to my feet as "trotters"! He thought these were terms of endearment! It never really bothered me, in fact I never even thought about it until everyone started psychoanalyzing everything about their parents, spouses, etc. I think it's not that uncommon for men to be non-communicative with their emotions - it's just the way their brains are wired

My husband is the same way - he does say the three magic words, but hardly ever gives me a compliment. Sometimes when I'm all dolled up to go somewhere I pathetically ask "how do I look" and he'll always answer "very nice" as he glances up from his laptop! I've come to accept the fact that I can't go looking for affirmation through other people - it just leads to heartache and a poor self-image.

I get a lot of emotional satisfaction from my friendships with women. We're much more in tune with each other's need for the occasional compliment than our husbands! I realize that I don't like a girlfriend any less if she's fat, skinny, homely or pretty - it's the person inside that I like (or not!) So that's probably how people see me too - I hope in a good way.

[jtammy]

I have to agree with Aphil and Penny that some people, especially some men, just don't give compliments. My husband is one of those. I have lost almost 80 lbs and my husband has never commented. Not that he doesn't know because I talk about it frequently enough, but he never comments, much less compliments. It's aggravating and sometimes painful, but I have to tell myself that that's just how he is.

Harpo, I hope you do get to sit down and have that conversation with your Dad at some point!

[freiamaya]

What a tough situation! Listen, my mom was/is exactly the same. She is unable to recognize the fact that she is more than less supportive, and always has been. It doesn't matter what I say, that is just how she is. It has taken me YEARS to come to terms with this, and I doubt that I ever really, really will. So, for what it is worth, you might want to focus on pleasing yourself as you will be living with the results of your weight-loss efforts. Second, we don't always get the parents we want or think we deserve. I can't affect my mom's behavior. I can only affect my reaction to her. I can discuss this until I am blue in the face, she JUST DOESN'T GET IT. Third, I accept that she loves me in her own way, but her patterns are not those that I model or repeat to those important to me. Sometimes, acceptance is the way to go (note: this does not mean saying that this kind of behaviour is acceptable -- it just means that I no longer take responsibility for her behavior upon myself). Stop beating yourself up about it, and keep with your program. Your dad most likely is prouder than you think, but just can't verbalize it.