backhanded compliments
 

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"Like a ton?"

!!!

Grr!

No, I haven't had backhanded compliments that implied that I looked bad before. I am uncomfortable, though, when people make a big deal out of my weight loss. I blush and look away and want to sink into a hole. Just a, "You look good" would suffice, thank you.

:yes:

I sooo understand what you are saying. But know that you are probably just glowing from your new lifestyle, more water (healthier skin and hair), exercise (more energy) etc. I felt the same way though. But I honestly had to look at those comments as fuel and I kept on moving. Be proud of the hard work you've done and be glad that people have notice all the hard work you put into making yourself healthier!

Hey lanalanabonana! How great that you've lost so many pounds! You're a hero! :carrot: :cp: :cheer:

Your story reminds me of a friend of mine. She used to be a really heavy drinker, and then one day she saw the light and stopped, with the help of the AA program. Well, time came to tell people she no longer drank, and she started with friends and family members. She was kind of hoping people would say, "You? Problem with drinking? Nawwww! You must be kidding!" But they didn't. They all said they were so glad she stopped. Well, so naturally she wondered what they must have thought of her in the past. And the fact is, they thought she drank too much.

So with the weight thing, yeah, it is likely that people thought you were overweight in the past. How could they not? Just remember that they are HAPPY for you now. And you're happy too! Just smile and say "Yeah, I did! And I'm really glad!"

Jay

hmm... I never really bothers me when people kinda have make these types of comments to me because I have lost a "ton" of weight. However, I dont believe I looked fine before. I mean.. at the size I am NOW, and when I lose the next 25lbs if people who only know me as this size would say something like that, then I think it may hurt my feelings. But 100lbs ago.. I know that I BETTER look soooooooo much better!

I don't think I looked fine before. In fact I looked downright disgusting. In my personal opinion. So someone telling me I look much better is a nice compliment.

And you have to remember that many of these people don't mean these compliments as insults. It's hard to compliment someone that's lost a lot of weight, for this reason exactly - we're afraid of being insulting while trying to be nice.

Not everyone knows how to word things delicately enough to where we'll accept the compliments graciously, this is a very sensitive area. So when someone gives me a compliment, even though it SOUNDS somewhat like an insult, I admire them for being brave enough to say anything at all then accept it and move on.

I understand what you mean about backhanded compliments. Instead of giving you a quality compliment it is mixed with something negative. I find most behanded compliments have more to do with jealousy than actual praise.

Congratulations on your weightloss.

Originally Posted by alwaysbelieve:
I understand what you mean about backhanded compliments. Instead of giving you a quality compliment it is mixed with something negative.

I'm sure that most people don't mean it to sound negative. Like I said, this is a sensitive area and many people that compliment feel they're treading on 'dangerous' ground. I know, I've been on that other side (giving someone that's lost weight a compliment) and every time I think to myself damn! did I word that right???

For example, I saw someone in the grocery store I hadn't seen in a while. We were standing there talking and he says to me, "Wow, how much weight have you lost, anyway?"

Now, I could have perceived that as an insult, but I didn't. He went red in the face and said, "I'm sorry, that's not the proper thing to talk about, I'm sure."

And I said, "No, it's okay, I appreciate that you've noticed," then proceeded to go ahead and tell him how much I've lost.

It's all in how you look at it. And putting yourself into the shoes of the person trying to give the 'compliment'. If someone says, "Wow, have you lost a ton of weight?" they're probably trying to say, in so many words, "Hey, I'm noticing you're much thinner than you used to be and you look so much better."

Nothing wrong with that.

In other words, just accept the compliments at face value and forget about it.

if its coming from the same person all the time, and you detect a note of jealousy.........just say "hey thanks...you're getting very good at those backhanded compliments" I had to do this to my dil....if she could put you down somehow, she would, any way to make herself look better.

But when it comes from pretty much anyone else, I just accept the compliment, and internally shake my head.

Lana, I saw your pics before and after- I remember that you had a gorgeous face before and after, but I think you should be very proud of your weight loss. It's more flattering if you enjoy it!

good work!!! just go with the flow, not everyone is a eloquent speaker ;)

okay...here's a great back handed compliment i got before i lost my 25 pounds....i think i had lost 10 so far...so it wasn't really noticeable yet. I was showing a girl in my office a picture of me in high school when i weighed 100 pounds, had a good tan and had black hair....then i showed her a picture a of a couple years later...where i weighed 130, had lost my tan and was pale..and had red hair (it was a glamour shot pic)...and this is what she said to me..."Wow, you were hot!! what happened??" how's that??? lol. of course, she said i look great now (yeah....at 186 i look great???!!!) but that i looked really hot then. I told her getting married and having 3 kids and postportum (sp??) depression happened.

but i know this girl...and she didn't mean anything bad...but i did look hot back then...much better than i do now. so...i can't wait until i can take a pic of me these days and compare it to those pics..and go yeah....i'm hot again!! :) (of course, that will be when i hit goal at about 130 before i can compare pics and say i'm hot again!!!) :)

but back to your topic...yeah, you just have to look past the negative and take it as it's meant...a compliment to all the hard work you've put forth to make yourself more healthy. most people who don't have a weight problem can really understand it takes time, hard work and dedication to drop alot of weight ...and they see that you did that. so just smile and say thank you and don't read anything negative into it. i get it all the time at work. there's a guy here who keeps calling me twiggy. it's really giving me a complex because when he says it...it makes me feel more sexy than i am and causes me to want to lower my guard when it comes to my eating habits. but i am not to that twiggy stage yet. i got another 38 pounds to go before i can let my guard down...but even then...i don't want to because i do not want to regain my weight.

I was thinking and I think the only "compliment" that really made me angry was this girl said.. "Dang Dejay, you've lost sooo much weight, (to someone else) You should have seen her before, shje was fat, Im mean fat fat, (back to me) you loook... Soooo great.. wow." Yeah... whatever :censored: My boyfriend at the time was with me and he was like "she WAS NOT" :lol: When the girl said I used to be fat fat. He was trying to make me feel better because it was clear my feelings were hurt, I guess there was just a look on my face.

Originally Posted by Ready2ShedLBS:
I was thinking and I think the only "compliment" that really made me angry was this girl said.. "Dang Dejay, you've lost sooo much weight, (to someone else) You should have seen her before, shje was fat, Im mean fat fat, (back to me) you loook... Soooo great.. wow."

Yikes, now that's bad!

Originally Posted by Ready2ShedLBS:
However, I dont believe I looked fine before.

That's how I feel too! I don't think I look "fine" now... I am fat and I do NOT think it is beautiful; I think it is ugly and I want rid of it! So if people notice I look a lot better I will be thrilled! :) I am just now starting to get the "you're looking good" type comments as my weight loss is still not that noticeable; but hey, 29 pounds is 29 pounds!! :) I'll take all the compliments I can get LOL.

Misti....29 pounds is awesome!!! have you put pics of you now together with pics of you before??? i did last night. i got a pic back from my "date night" and from last year and "I" can actually see what people are talking about. I agree i have a lot further to go too... but i finally am seeing what others are seeing!!! I can't wait to take another pic of me at 155 and put it together with the 196 and 171 pic and see how far i am coming!!!

soon, i'll scan the pics on the computer and let everyone else see what i am starting to see. i just don't have a computer at home anymore and my computer here at work doesn't have a scanner. so i'll have to borrow someone's here at work to scan and email them to my computer so i can upload them to the net....man...sounds like a lot of work huh??? lol :)

Yah Lumi it may be a lot of work but it will be worth it! I can't WAIT to see your pictures!! That is one of my favorite things here at 3FC, to see people's progress photos and celebrate with them!

Yes I did find an absolutely horrid "before" picture which someone took at work.... yikes! And at the beginning of April I took my camera to church with me and asked a close friend to sneak into a back hallway and take front and side pictures; will do that once a month or so! I hate them but I know I will be sorry later if I don't take them. LOL I am NOT brave enough to POST them here yet LOL. But even looking at them myself is an encouragement... as I can see a very big difference especially in the boobs which is really a terrible problem area! The are SO big it is not safe for me to evan have reduction surgery until I lose a lot of weight and reduce them, as it would involve total reconstruction rather than just the normal reduction surgery. Yikes! It is a nightmare living with them! But I have already gone down 3 band sizes (!!) and can tell a big difference!

But yes the 29 pounds feels SO much lighter; and even though I have so far to go I can do so much more now than before!!!

I like the bar my friend Kathy and I go to. Nobody there knows I used to be fat. Which is good because I don't have to deal with the whispering from people saying stuff to everyone else, like, "Wow, see that girl over there? She used to be really fat."

People can be very cruel and insensitive.When I lost weight years ago everyone hovered over me doing nice things for me.Buying me Diet Soda,making sweet comments etc they wouldn't have done when I was"fat"..who cares what others think really I mean we all have flaws and imperfections and those idgits who make comments aren't perfect either.If I hadn't spent years worrying what others thought I would have better self-esteem and self-confidence about myself today.

My sister is the ultimate champ with these back handed compliments. My favorite was when she'd say "your legs really don't have much hail-damage for as big as they are". Also, "you have such a pretty face, if'd you'd just lose some weight." Now that I've lost 80 lbs. she said 2 days ago, " I think you've went a little over-board and are too skinny now". I just laugh and think, She's so damn jealous that she can't stand it that I'm smaller than her now. She actually was feeling my spine to point out that she thinks I'm too Bony.

Arrrghhh people can be so hard to please... if you are not too fat, now you are too skinny! :) I agree laughing it off is the best approach.

Thanks Misti, she is known as the Biatch of the family and rightfully so, but I love her to death. She told her husband that I only weigh 130 the other day . I think she did this so she can convince him that she weighs 150 still. Which isn't even close to the truth. LOL

Ready that is so awful. I really dont understand people who dont think about how what they say sounds to others... I mean, I dont think, regardless of the subject matter, that I have ever said anything so awfully rude to someone even by accident.

I once overheard this conversation in the kitchen of a restaurant in which I was dining: "I heard you used to date "PeeB". "Yeah, she actually used to be goodlooking before she got so fat" "yeah?" "yeah, I mean she looked totally different dude you cant even imagine".
This was a difference of maybe 120lbs to 140. I mean thats a weight gain, but come on. Ugh I was so embarrassed, and the guy who said it came out in the same breath and continued to wait on me all cheerful. I just wanted to disappear into my chair.

But thats a little different... but then later I dropped some of the weight, and I went into a bar and the bartender said inappropriately loudly "OH MY GOD you have lost a LOT of weight" and I said "thank you" and she said "NO I MEAN A LOT OF WEIGHT, OH MY GAWD, WOW I just cant believe it, OH MY GOD, WOW" - I had maybe gone from 140 to 130, it wasnt like I was emaciated. It was just rude and made a spectacle of me. A guy at the bar snickered meanly and covered his mouth.
Some people are just mean.... some are just insensitive... I dont know if I like it more when people notice or when people dont... but I WOULD like acknowledgement of it at least, cause you want to know your hard work has made you look better enough that its apparent!!

I think the way a compliment is given should depend on how well you know the person, their personality and weight loss history.

I know a couple of my friends work so hard on their weight loss, if I go up to them and say, "Wow, you look like you've lost a lot of weight!" that's an encouragement because they don't always see the results the same way as someone who doesn't see you every single day. But I still know them well enough to know what their journey has been and what an accomplishment it is to finally get there. They want people to notice... and to comment about it.

But for other people who I might not know so well, I usually just say, "Wow, you look great!" and leave it at that.

I know I take compliments differently depending on who gives them too. If they're already someone I know to be an insincere person, I try to ignore it, good or bad. My husband and friends are very supportive and will give me both compliments and criticisms. And this is going to sound bad, but the compliments I take the best are from people I might not see that often. If they say that I look like I've lost a ton of weight, I know it's because they can notice a difference, not because they're just trying to make me feel better because the majority of them don't know I'm working out and dieting.