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-   -   What to say? (https://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/weight-loss-support/68025-what-say.html)

TribeFan 11-04-2005 03:20 PM

What to say?
This has been a tough one for me. I have a dear friend. She has been talking about wanting to lose weight ever since I met her, but seems to do everything possible to sabotage it. She has workout videos and elliptical machine at home. She wanted to join Curves, but her husband wouldn't let her. :?: I've tried to suggest lower fat alternatives, but she always seems to have an excuse not to use them. Right now she weighs 312 (maybe higher), and is about 5'6" tall.

What would you do, if anything? I've been telling her about my success with WW, but I don't make it the only thing we talk about. I guess I'm just hoping that she'll see that it can be done, and that you can't expect it to be overnight.

Sorry if I'm rambling- it's been a hectic week! I also didn't know if this was the right forum for this, so I apologize if it's not.

Sheila53 11-04-2005 03:43 PM

IMHO, I wouldn't do anything or even make suggestions. She knows you're doing well and will choose to ask you more about it if she wants. She knows she's fat, she knows she needs to change, but just like the rest of us, she has to want to do something about it, and it sounds like she's not there yet. So just be her friend, and if she brings it up, then it will be time to talk about it.

Just my two cents. . . :)

lucky 11-04-2005 03:52 PM

I have experienced the same thing. The truth is that losing weight is going to change the dynamics of your friendships, especially with those friends who are overweight. It doesn't necessarily have to be a negative change, though. I don't make a point not to talk about losing weight with my heavier friends. That would be impossible since it is such a major part of my life right now. But, I think you are right in making sure that isn't always the topic of conversation. If she is a true friend she'll support you all the way to your goal. But, it is perfectly natural for her to feel disheartened and maybe even abandoned along the way. Those are feelings that she will have to work through. She won't be able to lose weight until she is really ready and even then what is working so well for you might not be her thing. Just keep yourself open for her and let her know that when she is ready to tackle her weight problem that you will be there to help her.

As for the excuses she makes, I know how frustrating that is. I used to make them all of the time and they always seemed so reasonable! Now, though, I can see that they were just excuses and I have a solution to just about every obstacle I ever created for myself. Personally, I wouldn't try to refute her excuses because I am sure she'd just feel like you didn't understand her situation. You can lead by example though and make an effort to include her in your new lifestyle. Invite her to walk with you, maybe have her over for a healthy lunch. It may help more if you show her how doable losing weight is rather than telling her.

numb 11-04-2005 04:16 PM

I ta with Sheila. You shouldn't make any suggestions. She may want to but she isn't ready. I'm sure she will let you know when the time is right. As for her DH not letting her. I completely understand that. I have the same type (different situations) of issue with my mom.

LovesBassets 11-04-2005 05:04 PM

I think that SERIOUSLY deciding to lose weight -- and actually doing something about it -- has to come from deep, deep down inside the individual. It's a HUGE commitment that a person makes to themself and they have to be 100% willing to do all the work and change all the habits FOR themselves...

As far as what to say to her...I don't know. I mean, it could go both ways, really. Even if you just sort of gently tell her you'd love to give her advice or something, she may take it the wrong way and get insulted. Then again, she may love to have a weight-loss partner. So I don't feel that I can give you advice one way or the other because I don't know the dynamics of your relationship.

I DO know that there's always the possibility of her resenting your weight loss. I've run into that quite a bit lately with friends who've been wanting to lose weight "forever" becoming a bit cold toward me (one even made a snide comment about how I'm always drinking diet soda and all that sodium is going to make me fat). It's a strange situation that you should perhaps be on the look-out for. I don't know how to change it, either -- I mean, I am what I am and if a "friend" can't accept that I don't know quite what to do about it...

Sorry to babble :dizzy: .

andreaphilip3 11-04-2005 05:46 PM

you cant do anything. she has to want it i mewan really want it. i knowits hard bc i have a sis like that. we started ww together in june and she dropped out. i dont blame your friends hubby, he knows her track record

Valerie Joy 11-04-2005 07:35 PM

You really can't do much until SHE is ready to change. I had a friend doing weight watchers last year who wanted me to join and I just wasn't emotionally ready to change. It took a medical illness to make me wake up and change.

LovesBassets 11-04-2005 08:20 PM

I was just thinking about this thread while eating dinner. I was thinking, "What would I do if someone had said something to me about losing weight when I was 189 lbs?" And I had to laugh because the answer that first popped into my head was "I'd punch them in the face." But I grew up with a weird relationship with food/dieting/weight issues, so obviously that's an extreme response. I guess my point is, I wouldn't have taken ANY advice/suggestions/thoughts about my weight loss attempts well at all. In fact, I think one of the reasons I waited so long to actually commit to losing weight is because my mother always wanted me "thinner" -- even back when I WAS thin-ish. I just rebelled against it....

More babbling, sorry :dizzy:

icedragon6669 11-04-2005 08:39 PM

I agree with everyone here, she needs to find it within herself to want to do the work involved in losing weight, and even you nudging her may have a negative effect, like wanting to rebel against what you are saying.
you best thing would be to support her if she decides to try, or just go with the flow if she doesn't, do not make a topic of it, and one day she might decide.
she might say, gee look at you, I think i am going to give it a go. but until she is ready I would completely back off.

You only are trying to help, and be a friend, but the more you push, or comment, even telling her of your sucess, the worse she will feel, and she will only want to go home and eat even more to cover the hurt.

Be a friend to her, and when she is ready to want help then pounce on it and give her your enthusiasm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

penpal 11-04-2005 09:00 PM

I agree with those who say it has to come from within a person. In fact, pushing someone who is not ready to make a lifestyle change can have the opposite effect. I hope your friend becomes motivated before she faces a health crisis - which, I think, is the motivating wake-up call for many of us.

Let's face it, to lose a large amount of weight means commitment to a lifestyle change that is very challenging and almost like taking on a second job! It's very time-consuming and sometimes frustrating, but it can be done if you are ready to make a lifetime commitment.

The best thing you can do is to be a good example to your friend. :df:

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