a "compliment" made me mad
 

Hi all...

I just wanted to rant a bit and see if this kind of thing has happened to anyone else.

I recently went on vacation with a group of friends. One of my friends tends to take a lot of "one person at a time" photos, so I ended up with like 12 pictures of myself. Which I don't need or want. So I sent them to my Mom.

She got the pictures and called me yesterday. Here's what she said (I quote):

"You look SO good! You're finally healthy! And thin, thin, thin!! I hoped I'd see your cheekbones again someday! ALL I want for my birthday are enlargements of these photos so I can show them off to my friends!"

Now, there's a dynamic here that needs explaining. She was severely anorexic for 15 years and we've never had much of a relationship. Prior to THESE photos, the only -- I repeat ONLY -- photo she had of me that she felt was "good enough" to frame and put on the mantle was one my Dad took when I returned from Spain having had amoebic dysentery for 2 weeks -- and having lost about 25 lbs in 14 days. Needless to say, I look like death warmed over in that picture. And the picture was taken in 1988, by the way. And is STILL on her mantle. :dizzy:

Anyone else out there ever feel PO'd by someone's "compliment?" Or maybe I'm just over-reacting.

- Kate

Take it is a compliment, smile, think "thanks mum" and - cool cheap birthday present ;)

I'm sure she means well, but she's judging you by standards she sets for herself and I guess they're probably a bit harsh! And of course not valid in your situation!

It sounds like something my insensitive Grandmother would say! I don't listen to her any more! That's what you get for being a pain! :D

Ouch, without the "dynamic" it might have been just a compliment but knowing that I completely agree that it was out of line. Not an overreaction. Just take it as someone pushing their own agenda onto you and try not to let it bother you.

Try not to let it bother you. You are working VERY hard to look good, healthy, and thin. So, take what you WANT to hear in comments and ignore any underlying message that your mom probably didn't even realize she sent.

Thanks, guys :)

I guess family members can make you nuts sometimes -- if you let them! My first reaction (I didn't actually SAY this, thank goodness) was "HA! See, I CAN be thin!" which is a tad immature for a 32-year-old. Ya think? :s: But then my next reaction was, "Nice. It took a 37 pound weight loss for her to finally want to 'show me off' to her friends." Like the BA, MA, and house of my own aren't enough!

But you are all 100% right! It's about her, not me. Let it go...let it go....I'll take it for what it's worth and save some $ on the cheap b-day gift <--- great point, 2frustrated!!

Thanks everyone! I feel better now. :)

I totally understand. Whenever Iam with my mom she keeps saying "You can't have that because you are tying to lose weight" and than the next day buys me my favorate "bad food". I keep telling her it is all about moderation. But she will never learn.

I've not had a compliment make mad, but I've had a comment make me mad.

I was at chuch one day, we have lunch after services and an older man told a pre-teen girl she was fat and she should stop eating. She broke out in tears and stood there while this horrible man was telling her how fat she was. My temper exploded! I grabbed her and I told her, "You are not fat. Don't let what this idiot says bother you. You are getting ready to hit puberty, it's natural for your body to adjust and change while it's getting ready for a big growth spurt."

And then I turned to the older man and laid into him right there in church with every one watching about how eating disorders start at this age "because of thoughtless, cruel, stupid remarks from people like you. You had no business making that comment, you are not a doctor, you are just a petty mean person who wants to hurt children." And by that time I was yelling at almost the top of my lungs. I grabbed the girl and walked away. She was laughing by the time I finished chewing that guy out.

It still makes me angry and that was several years ago. :dizzy:

Sarah

Bravo sarahyu!! :bravo: Good for you! I absolutely LOVE that you had the guts to chew that jerk out! You made a difference that day, I guarantee it!

Beverly

One less little girl with an ED! Go sarahyu!

I wish someone had told my grandad a thing or two when he asked me when was I going to lose weight. On Christmas day! Thanks POPS! Well he's dead now and I'm thin! HA! (petty, mean, moi?) ;)

"Compliments & Mothers"
 

Hi Kate-I just joined 3FC today and I've been poking around the forums and your posting struck a cord with me. I'm 44 yrs old-and about 44 lbs overweight! I'm recently separated after 20 yrs of marriage and I have 2 girls, ages 17 & 13. I have struggled with this weight issue for so long now I can't even think far enough back to when it started. I do know this though. My mother never seemed to be satisfied with my weight when I was growing up, and said stuff like "you have such a pretty face; if only you would lose the weight". Now I would never, in a million years, think of saying something so damaging (long-term) and hurtful like that to my girls-and yet she did it, over & over. My mother passed away in April, 2004, and though our relationship was pretty smooth, it was nothing like what I share with my girls now. And sad to say-it was her loss. Her standards were so high and for me, always unattainable, and I always felt like "If I lose this weight-she'll love me so much". This thinking continued on-and still does-even after she's gone! I am trying like heck to put a new life together now,and it's incredibly hard to stay away from the food and deal with my emotions in light of an impending divorce. I am panicked thinking that I'll eat myself into oblivion and have to figure out a way to deal with all the old issues.....and the new & more demanding issues.

Anyway-thanks for listening. I just wanted you to know that I heard my mother's voice in your thread. You lost a lot of weight-congratulations! I'm inspired and very hopeful for a new start!Font=Comic Sans MS

On a recent vacation one of my relatives noticed I had lost weight, she ask what my high weight was, I told her 216. She said "WOW you must of really ate like a pig back then huh?" - Ouch!

:mad: What the heck is wrong with people? "It makes me think-does that mean you like me better cuz I'm not 216lbs anymore....or...am I a better person now that I've lost the weight???" There ought to be a law....

Kate - Sorry I didn't comment on your question. You said your mom has an eating disorder, so take it with a smile, love and understanding.....

...Ouch on the comment by your relative, Star! :(

I think anyone who is *trying* to compliment someone about weight loss should take a lesson fromn Jawsmom (paraphrasing here): "Wow! You are obviously working VERY hard to look good and be healthy" and then maybe add, "I'm so proud of you!"

That's why I like 3FC so much...you gals are great. :D

...And agreed, Wildfit...THERE oughta be a law! ;) Welcome to 3FC. I'm kinda new, too.

- Kate

The truth is when I got to 216, I never thought "I ate like a pig"
Kate, I agree "Wow! You are obviously working VERY hard to look good and be healthy" and then maybe add, "I'm so proud of you!"
Is the perfect compliment!

My mom would always tell me I was fat, even though she was 5'4" tall and weighed well over 200 pounds, I was 5' tall and weighed less then 130. Looking back at pictures of me when I was younger, I wasn't fat. I finally asked Mom what she meant by telling me I was fat so many years ago when I wasn't. She said, "You were a little on the hippy side and I didn't want you to look like me when you grew up." Good job Mom, I turned out just like you.

Just playing devils advocate, maybe people don't really understand how hurtful their comments are? Maybe in their ignorant way they think they are saying they are proud of us? Your mom may not know how to relate to weight loss any way different.

Who knows, I just know that I'm so happy to be living on the opposite side of the country from my 'supportive' family. Whose idea is to say, "God, you got fat. What's wrong with you? Think you got your man now it don't matter how you look?" While they are guzzling beer and eating their weight in bbq. Where is the fairness? :devil:

Sarah

Sarah, you bring up a good point about how we developed our body image in the first place when you said "Good job Mom, I ended up just like you." I've been thinking about this alot lately...I think it's because I'm finally approaching my goal weight and I'm not sure when to "stop" and switch to maintenance. I don't know what weight I *should* be, if that makes any sense.

But back to body image....I remember at my Senior Prom thinking I was fat. I look back at those pictures now and I think "Huh? I looked pretty normal." But back then, no WAY did I feel normal.

What do you ladies think? I'm not trying to play the blame-the-evil-parents-game or anything, but do you feel that negative comments you got as a kid created some kind of self-fulfilling prophecy for you? Maybe you heard "you're fat" or "you need to lose weight" one too many times and it evolved into weight issues later in life?

I felt fat when I wasn't and I became fat (or at least I gave up on being healthy) because of it. I KNOW I decided at some point that being "thin" was utterly hopeless because I knew whatever weight I was would never be "enough." Which brings up the whole "why do you care what people think?" topic, which I won't get into. ;)

Does all this sound familiar? I'd be interested to hear if anyone can relate.

(Maybe this should be a new thread...too late now! Whoopsie.)

- Kate :)

kate - I was plump as a kid until I was 13 and got tall (now 5'7")...But kids made fun of me and that hurts and it sticks with us.
Then when I got tall and thin, I could never be thin enuf, even at 118 (thanks to Twiggy).....I started the crazy diets just after high school at 118...go figure? I loved to exercise and have always done that thin or fat. I'm positive I screwed my metabolism up along the way, testing for slow thyroid somewhere in my 40's. Then with a cross country move I got up to 216 and have been fighting my way down ever since. Today I weigh 170 (recent 5 pound gain) but I don't feel FAT anymore, still would like to get to 150...
So I could blame those kids in kindergarden that called me fat, or I could blame my first husband that said he'd divorce me if I ever got fat. But now it's all up to me, none of those old reasons matter anymore and now that I know what happened and why - I'm still trying to make me happy.

When I was growing up, I had the opposite kinds of input. "You are WAY too skinny- you look like a refugee!" "You are losing too much weight, you look sick!" "Eat something!"

I am 5'6", am small framed and I weighed around 110-115. For a teenage girl, that is actually a very good range as I had not had children yet. For an adult, the low end of my weight range starts at 123.

My family did the same thing to my husband when he dropped quite a bit of weight recently. He is 6' and managed to go from about 240 to around 170-175. They all dogged him every chance they got (and we live next door to my mother and my grandparents so it was quite often). It actually hurt his feeling quite a bit because he worked so very hard. I was proud of him and complimented him, but I will admit that it made sex less enjoyable because his hipbones didn't have that extra layer anymore. He has put some weight back on- he's back up to around 195.

But yeah- people can be rude without realizing it. I generally don't listen to what my family has to say because frankly, when I examine the source I realize that they are some really screwed up people.

:lol: :lol3: :rofl:

2frustrated, that post cracked me up, that is the funniest thing I have seen in a while! No offense to your grandfather, of course. ;)

On the topic though, people, including relatives, do say some nasty things. I wish someone had chewed out my dad when he started telling me I was fat all the time starting when I was around 14. Here is the worst thing I have heard a relative of mine say though . . . My cousin got divorced after her husband cheated on her, and my grandmother said "Well, you can't blame him for cheating because she got so fat." :fr: I couldn't believe she said that. How awful!

This HAD to be repeated. I know this is true for me, and I suspect it's probably true for a lot of people (here and/or in general). I remember my first year of college, thinking I was so fat and being disgusted at my appearance. But you know what? I was gorgeous. Truly, truly gorgeous, and I didn't appreciate my body nearly enough. Hindsight is always 20/20, I guess.

That is a horrifyingly awful thing to say (or think for that matter). Perhaps if I ever get married I'll add "in thinner and in fatter" to the vows so I won't have to worry about anyone thinking that my weight releases them from their other promises.:?:

All i can say is you know what mothers are like. I keep thinking there are people out there with happy firendly mums but it seems mums can be the cruellest out of everyone.
I dont speak with my mother as she tries to compete with me, and thinks she looks better than me. She is much thinner but geez, cant she just get over the competition thing and be my mum again. Anyway...let it go Kate.

Aww I love my Mum! But my Mum's Mum is really damaging for her self-esteem. I think she's finally realising it after 50-odd years!

I'm trying to help my Mum lose weight, but it's so hard to be encouraging and motivating when she goes out and buys doughnuts after her gym workout, or a chicken pie! :dunno:

Back on topic - I was bullied FOREVER about being fat. Fatty, people grossing out in the changing rooms after PE, being told the water would jump out of the pool after I jumped in. But you know, I look at all those junior school pictures when it all started and I was so fine. I was completely ok. I looked in proportion, but I guess since I was head and shoulders taller than the other kids, then my girth would be bigger than theirs anyway!

Then I think I lost the plot at Senior school and I did used to look really big, and I piled it on in my teens! :o Then moving out on my own and a relationship with someone who didn't like me big (then why go out with me in the first place?.. GO FIGURE!) kickstarted my healthy life and I've never looked back!

BTW I'm now with a guy who's skinny! He wants me to be healthy and praises me when I lose a bit of weight and tells me not to obsess over the scale. He said the other day, "It doesn't matter about losing the weight, it's increasing the muscle and losing a bit of your fat that counts.." Ain't that the truth?!

Geez - Aren't our relatives suppose to love un unconditionally? Don't we look to them for support, kindness and acceptance? Well on a brighter note it sounds like none of us will be making 'awful' comments to our loved ones.......
"I felt fat when I wasn't and I became fat (or at least I gave up on being healthy) because of it." Ditto for me too.....lol - But it isn't funny, it is downright sad.

I have two younger sisters, both slim, my mum said to me as I was going out to a party "you look so pretty(she had tears in her eyes!) just think how beautiful you'd look if you were slim like your sisters"! How's that for a confidence boost, mums do mean well but like everyone else, me included, they should think before speaking!

If I could chime in here.....My mother who is an Eating disorder specialist..constantly would tell me I was fat growing up..My highest weight was 149 I am 5'6 ..I would starve myself throw up ect ect ect...
at a family party once I was grabbing some cheese and crackers and she said.."Oh chelsea stop hanging out by the food leave some for the rest of us" Till this day I hate eating in front of my mother...she completly warped my body image....WHen I got down to 89 pounds..(anorexic) she was angry with me for not eating.....and would try to shove food in my mouth...I could never win with her.
NOw...I am HEALTHY and I am HEALTHY for me..not for her. As soon as she starts commenting on my weight..even to compliment me..I say...thanksmom so how is so in so or quickly change the subject....
I think my mother had some issues growing up with her mom..because she has never been skinny..she just didn't want me to be miserable....how ironic

Back in the day, I had the opposite comments from my thin German papaw. "You're too skinny. You need to eat more. You look sick." If he could only see me now. I took his advice unfortunately.

Now every time I see my too thin alcoholic dad it's "You're getting a little plump, aren't you? That's OK, you still look good." I only see him a couple of times a year, so we'll see if he makes his mandatory fat comments at Xmas this year. My husband, who is very physically fit, gets so angry with him, because even when I was "thin" to me (size 8/10) is when he started with the comments. To him I was fat because I had always been so tiny...not because I tried to be but I was very active and we didn't have sweets or junk food in our house (and I hated my mother's and later grandmother's cooking).

Just remember you're doing this for you and your health. You can make some of the people happy all of the time, and all of the people happy some of the time, but you can't make all of the people happy all of the time.

Sorry to hear about your mom's comment, Kate, but it sounds like you are now over it. :)

Can't think of any compliments that have hurt me emotionally. Healthwise, constant compliments on my size when I was growing up probably hurt me. Bit of explanation... I was a nice medium build for most of my life. I always got compliments about my size. Thing is, I was not physically active at all! I ate in moderation, but never exercised. As a result, now, when I think of weight loss, I mostly think of food intake. It took me a long time to learn to exercise. I used to crash diet and never learned to change my overall habits. Ironically, all the positive attention I got for my size hurt in the long run because I concentrated on looks rather than health. Now I am doing better because I am making long-term changes.

Like most of you, the hurtful comments were not compliments but rather negative comments on my weight. Parents were always supportive, luckily, but there was this boy in sixth grade. He told me I had gotten fat. And his stupid comment started making me worry about my weight, even though I was perfectly healthy! Like someone else on this board has said, I went from caring little about my body image to having a majorly negative one. In hindsight, I wish I had hit that boy (and a lot of other boys back in junior high). :p

2frustrated, you are 2 dang funny. :)

That is so true. I thought I was a whale all through high school, and now I think back and realize that when I was 14 I was only 125 lbs, and I'm sure I looked great. In fact, I don't remember ever NOT thinking I was fat (until now). When I called my dad out on calling me fat all the time (since he has always been far more obese than me), he said he just said those things because he didn't want me to end up like him. I'm like, how about setting a good example instead, don't you think that would have worked? Although I can't blame myself getting fat on feeling fat, because I couldn't give up on being healthy since I was never healthy to begin with.

Anyway, my relationship with my parents has greatly improved since moving out of the house, obviously, and especially I think since moving across the country. We'll see how things go when I go home to visit in a few days!

Wow. I didn't realized so many people had similar experiences. It's funny how the people closest to us can be the most insensitive and/or destructive.

But the road to **** is paved with good intentions, right?

Heh. I thought I was fat since I was little. My mother had be dieting since 3. She would call me fat, make oinking noises, say I was embarrassing, have the personality of a slug, yell if she thought I ate anything, wouldn't let me eat lunch for a couple years. I was 5'2" and 118 pounds.

And she thought she was helping me out. :dizzy:

Well, after much therapy, I learned that all such statements aren't really based so much in reality as some sort of psychological issue in the speaker.

It means they have a problem, not you, so I choose to look upon my mother - and anyone else who says such things, with pity. Because they probably don't even know how screwed up they are.

I like the movie I Heart Huckabees..."I wasn't a child, I was my mother's ornament."

Affectionately,
LL

VERY true, paperclippy! I laugh now when I remember MY Dad saying to me once (I think I was about 14 yrs old): "You have child-bearing hips." Fortunately, I was supremely close to my Dad and it didn't really hurt all that much -- like I said, I smile now when I think of it. And ironically, this was coming from a man who consistently had 5 or 6 (BIG) bags of potato chips in his car. :) My mother would have killed him if she even knew! So, yeah, a "good example" woulda been nice. My Mom (when she was anorexic) had a piece of paper taped to the fridge door that said: "One orange = 30 calories = FAT, FAT, FAT." And Dad was potato-chip man. So one of my biggest challenges has been to find Buddha's "Middle Way." And I think I have. :) That's why I love to see people on 3FC call it "A Weight Loss Journey."

Geez, this place is addictive! :D You gals are great!

-Kate