I want to lose weight the healthy way (i'm self-recovering from an eating disorder) ...But I am so ashamed when eat more than 700 calories. It makes me feel like a failure, even though normal people eat more......I just have mixed feelings I guess. I still want to starve myself sometimes....But sometimes I’d like to be normal....I’d like to not have to freak out about food so much...I’d like to be able to eat without feeling like killing myself. My therapist isn’t much help on this subject. The only problem in me she recognizes is depression. I guess she thinks thats where the eating disorder roots? Yes and no. But the depression has lifted a lot, thanks to the medication....But I’m still as screwed up in the rest of the ways. What am I supposed to do? I want to lose weight of course. I just don’t know how to do this while avoiding eating disordered behaviours. Any help would be appreciated!!

First: Nobody should ever starve themselves. Ever. Even if you've eaten the entire contents of the ice cream freezer at the grocery store in one day. Starving=bad.

Second: Who has told you that you need to lose weight? What does your therapist think when you tell her that you want to lose weight? Maybe now is not the time to lose weight.

Third: Your body needs more than 700 calories just to keep all of the pieces functioning: your brain operating, your hormones secreting, your heart beating. If you only eat 700 calories a day, you will die. Binging is your body's natural response to not getting enough food to keep functioning, when there is food available.

I'm not sure what you're going to need to do in order to fit all the pieces together and get to a healthy way of eating. But one thing I might suggest is to focus on smaller meals, if more than 700 calories seems scary to you. Could you try eating five small meals a day, with about 300 calories in each? That's not a lot of food at a time, but with five of them, you'd be eating a fairly healthy amount, and enough so that you'd be less likely to binge.

If you can't do that, you might look into something like Overeaters Anonymous, where there are lots of people with experience with binging and recovery.

Well...I used to eat about 300 calories a day....I did this for months and lost 30 lbs....I've been eating disordered for 2 years, switching between anorexic and bulimic tendencies and I haven't died yet. Thing is my boyfriend pressured me to recover so then I gained weight. And I realized I was recovering for the wrong reasons. I just want to lose the weight I gained without slipping back into anorexia/bulimia. I want to be happy again.
Thanks for the idea about the 5 smaller meals. I might could do that.

It sounds to me like you need a therapist or clinic that can help you more with your eating issues, especially your suicidal thoughts about eating. It appears that you are acutely aware of your issues, but not sure how to tackle them. Can your doctor or therapist refer you on to someone more experienced?

The five meal idea was an excellent one!

I guess. I don't know Its really hard to talk about these things in person because I feel like people won't take me seriously because I'm fat again. >.>
But my therapist thinks I'm doing so well, so does my mom. I kind of don't want to let them down.
Thanks so much for caring.

It's time to worry about yourself now...not anyone else!!! Your Mom loves you and being dishonest with her will not help you in your recovery or your health!!
As far as your therapist...if you feel you can not be honest with her it is time for a new therapist!! Honesty with your therapist is crucial to your recovery!
You say your boyfriend "forced" you into recovery. It may be that he also saved your life! Just because you are not showing signs of health problems at this time doesn't mean that your body was not wearing down and preparing to have problems!!
You have taken a lot of steps...if you have 5 small meals of 200 calories each, you will keep your blood sugars more even, you will not ever get that "heavy stuffed feeling" and it is a basis to work up in calories to an amount that will satisfy your bodys needs and allow you to lose weight at a healthy pace!!
Good luck to you...please talk to your Mom and let her know what the problems are that you are experiencing and that you need to talk to someone about your eating habits!!! Your Mom loves you and she will not be disappointed if you confide in her!! She will be relieved that you confided in her!!!

thank you so much, shortiemetoo. i've been thinking i want a different therapist... i guess i'll have a talk with mom...some day soon...lolol <3
your support means the world to me,you guys.

I say get another therapist. Not someday soon either, but now. Before you take a backset. As for letting anyone down, I think mom would be more let down if you do take a backset because you were afraid to confide in her. Something like this isn't really a thing one can "self-recover" from. You need help and support in it. And if your current therapist isn't providing that, then you need to shop around.

So you didn't die at 300 calories a day. I'm sure you did plenty of damage to your poor body in that time, though. Being THIN isn't everything (difficult to believe in this age of pencil-thin and airbrushed models, etc., but true), especially if it costs you your health. Eating so little could actually contribute to depression and make it worse because your body thinks it's starving (well, it doesn't just think it, it is being starved), and I know if I weren't even being given enough to sustain life long-term, I'd be pretty darn depressed, too!

However, I also know that if you're used to 700 calories a day, it can be hard to jump right up to how many you should be consuming (probably at least 1500, more if you're exercising). You can work your way up gradually--try adding 100 calories for a week, then another 100 the next week so your body can adjust to what's going on. What you should understand, though, is that eating MORE may actually help you lose weight faster after a while. Right now, your body is holding on to every calorie and bit of fat for dear life, so weight loss at 700 calories a day will probably happen, but slowly, and you're also eliminating MUSCLE, not fat, which I'm sure is not your goal. Maybe you'll get thin eventually, but what good is it if you've barely got the strength to even stand up straight?

Maybe you could add shakes or smoothies to get some added calories to your day? I love fruit smoothies, and with just frozen fruit, skim milk, and a splash of vanilla, they're super healthy, too. Or maybe just add a yogurt here and there, maybe a peanut butter sandwich on whole-grain bread, or a few handfulls of nuts (peanuts, almonds, pistachios--all VERY good for you). These can all help to add calories to your day without leaving you feeling so full that you want to skip your next meal.

Do you eat breakfast? If not, I suggest you start. I'm not talking a stack of pancakes, eggs, sausage, bacon, and toast...but maybe just a little oatmeal and a piece of fruit? Or a few egg whites and some whole-grain toast? Or even just a yogurt or some fruit and cottage cheese? Breakfast is your fuel for the day, and I find that when I DON'T eat breakfast, I am not as hungry for the rest of the day and end up unintentionally eating too few calories.

These are just suggestions. I'm sure you're not going to listen to me here on an unprofessional message board--eating disorders are very serious and can't be cured by a few strangers telling you to eat more. I agree with others--find a therapist who actually recognizes more than your depression and is more willing to listen and work with you. Good luck!

I agree 100% that you need to talk to a therapist that has experience with eating disorders. You can get support here, but you really need to get professional medical help as well.
You know, you stated that when you slipped into it before, when you were eating less than 700 calories a day, that you "didn't die". I am sure though, that you lost muscle, and you, without maybe realizing it-probably didn't do your hair, fingernails, and skin any favors. There are other side effects to eating disorders that take place before you do enough damage to your system to cause death, and with eating disorders, often death comes suddenly in the form of heart failure.
If you are at the point where you "feel guilty" for eating above 700 calories a day, you need to see a therapist, and you need to take baby steps. First, make sure that you are eating healthful foods. Start out slowly raising your calorie intake from 700 to 800 a day for a week. Get used to the idea of 4 meals of about 200 calories. The next week, go up to 900 a day, and the next week 1000. Slowly get yourself to the point of eating 1200-1500 a day regularly.

Talk with your therapist about slowly regaining more normal eating habits in a similar "baby steps" plan like I suggested, and about slowly getting yourself used to eating more food. Concentrate on the nutrition-lean protein, skim dairy, fruits and vegetables...foods that fuel your body and will help nourish your undernourished body.

I honestly do not believe that this is the right time for you to "lose" weight. You need to get yourself in with a therapist who takes your past seriously, before the problems get out of hand again. Please take care.
Aphil

Thank you so much Almost heaven and Jill...
Yes I know I did tons of damage to my body...But at the time I was so sick...I kind of liked it...>.> But right now my hair nails and etc are fine...
I am going to talk to my mom tomorrow about a different therapist. But I've been seeing this one so long...
Anyway yea...Right now I am going to try to do about 1,000 calories to keep myself in a range that im comfortable eating but thats a little more than usual so as to prevent binges. You can see my journal in journals section, its the same username as this.
I do eat breakfast, at about 3 in the afternoon. It's not usually breakfast food...Just whatever I can find. Does that count? Haha.


Thank you all so much for your caring and comments! I didn't really think more than 1 or 2 people would even care. You've really helped a lot.

I'll just add one more thing to what other people have already said . . . Make sure you specifically look for a therapist who has experience dealing with eating disorders. It's incredibly important that your therapist has studied up on your particular problem. I've heard that therapists who are not specialized/experienced in EDs can do more harm than good.

Alright I will look...But then what if they like don't think I'm serious enough cause I've gained all my weight back? I mean I was never underweight but I was atleast thin....

Therapists do not judge an eating disorder by how thin or underweight you are. They diagnose it on how bad your behavior was/is, and the symptoms associated with it-such as your guilt of eating above 700 calories a day.
All you have to do is explain that you past issues with having an E.D., and that you are feeling that you may have trouble with relapse and want to have therapy for it.

Don't let yourself down my dear...make sure and talk to your Mom...if you try a new therapist who specializes in eating disorders and she/he is not the right one...try again...there will be a person who can help you!!! I am sure of it!!! You have to do the leg work to find them though!!